So, I always do these recaps first thing on Tuesday morning (like I usually get up at 5 AM to have them done by 8 my time). But tonight - tonight, I'm watching it live. I can't not know what happens with Chad.
Last episode was practically a Chad-cap.
Tonight, in preparation, I have decided to start drinking. I feel very good about this decision, as last night's episode was so insanely crude/tense that it's time to just get loose and wild. And I gotsta watch 'cause I gotsta know what happens. I GOTSTA FREAKIN' KNOW.
Part XVI - Evan tattles on Chad and Harrison tells Chad to make friends.
- I already take issue with the portrayal of Chad in this recap. Look, he's not a class act, but he didn't start ANY of this stuff.
- The only thing he did wrong was pop off at JoJo for giving the rose to Evan, but then again, DIDN'T WE ALL WANNA DO THAT?
- Robby holy HELL you are over-groomed. You look like one of those women who can't stop having cosmetic procedures on their face. When you look like you have a Bump-it, it's time to find the brakes.
- Everyone was expecting Chad to blow up, weren't they? And he didn't. Totally calm. All he's asking is that people leave him alone.
- Evan, you are such a WIENER.
- Evan, you owe us hours of our lives back. And stop wearing all those stupid necklaces! And stop scoffing as though you have anything to be indignant about, you butt-faced miscreant (copyright Rory Gilmore).
- THANK YOU JAMES TAYLOR FOR SAYING WHAT I WANTED TO SAY.
- Would a murderer play with noodles like that? I think not.
- JoJo decides to throw a curveball.
- "I've decided to cancel the cocktail party because I think I'd rather make the cocktail party sexier, somehow. Sexy is my thing."
- They decide to do some water aerobics.
- What am I looking at. Why. Why is this happening. Why is every guy is such a loser.
- EVAN HAS A NOSEBLEED. OF COURSE HE DOES BECAUSE HE IS SUCH A WIENER.
- ^^^^^^^ that might literally be the best line anyone has ever said on this show. Ever.
- So everyone proceeds to drink a whole lot which leads to some verrrrrry touchy conversations. These people are much too physically comfortable around each other for having sat down together (ever) 3 times.
- Jordan's hair, you guys. Seriously, imagine the process he must go through every morning. He has to blow dry the front part of it back every single day.
- Yes, JoJo, Jordan is absolutely too good to be true. 110%. He's a slimy fellow. Normal, respectful guys (like James Taylor) don't expect/encourage a bikini-clad girl they've known for 2 days to sit in their lap/feel her up. That's something that slimy guys do.
- I bet Jordan organized that stupid frikkin coordinated swan dive.
- Evan. I don't know how else to say it. Honey. LEAVE CHAD ALONE.
- Chad and JTT get into it a little bit.
- Oh my gosh I figured it out. JTT is a cross between John Krasinski and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
- Ali is like my favorite guy right now because he keeps his damn mouth shut.
- Oh gosh. Chad made a joke about how a guy like him stole JTT's girlfriend and JTT REALLY DID GET CHEATED ON.
- But JTT is really smart. Very well-spoken and eloquent. I might like him even more now.
PART ONE MILLION - ROSE CEREMONY.
- JoJo loves her some glitter. I like it.
- Also, of course Chad is gonna get a rose.
Roses: James Taylor, Evan, Chase, Grant, JTT, Jordan "The Weasel" Rodgers (cool tie clip by the way), Luke (more like Who???-ke. We haven't heard from him AT ALL in an entire episode.) Robby (ew), Wells, James F., Vinny (despite that haircut), Daniel, Lil' Tyke Alex, Chad (OF COURSE).
Bye: Christian (NO!!! I LOVED HIM!), Ali (ANOTHER NICE FREAKIN' GUY, SHIT!!!), and Nick (who should go home after that horrible oral sex story which was the most offensive thing BY FAR that happened on last night's episode).
PART THREEVE: One-on-one In a new location.
- Oh, a giant black bear. Are they on location in my backyard?
- And the exotic location IS.....PENNSYLVANIA!!!!
- ...wait, what? Why?
- Once again, the lamest season full of the most girly guys. They pulled up to this resort in coordinating Jeeps.
- Evan describes this resort as "manly" and "rugged." Let's hope the resort is also "fun to be around" and "cool" so that all of those things can rub off on you, dude.
- Luke gets the date. I don't know what it is about him, but he scares me to look at. Something about him reminds me of a serpent.
- Oh wait - this date is sexual?? There's a hot tub? I'm shocked.
- "I really just want to see Luke take his shirt off." DOWN GIRL. If a guy were saying this kind of stuff, we would think he was TRULY disgusting. Every date, she makes a comment on how hot the guys are/how she wants to see someone shirtless.
- Wow, I just realized Luke and Jordan have exactly the same haircut. What on earth. These guys all look so alike
- Yeah. Like....everything?
- While JoJo and Luke are bumpin' uglies in the hot tub, I'd like to play a game called, "Would Mary Catherine Have Dated This Guy?"
- Jordan: Probably, because he makes a good first impression, but all my friends would hate him and I'd eventually hate him, too.
Alex: No, and not just because he's too short for me. He's also got a weird temper.
JTT: Maybe. Once I realized he's smart. He's also very shy, though, which I don't really do.
James Taylor: He is almost TOO sweet for me, but I might have. But I like a little edge, so...I don't know. But I LOVE him and want him to win.
Chase: Too groomed. Says a lot about what kind of man he is.
Robby: Absolutely freaking not. He cares about his appearance more than I care about mine.
Vinny: Not even a shred of a chance.
Evan: Don't make me laugh. But he's gay, so he probably would've been in love with me, which is the common trait in easily 1/2 of the men who have loved me.
Wells: Maybe. He's pretty teeny though.
James F: Who?
Grant: Jury's out on Grant. I still think he's very sweet, but I have this weird feeling that he's too good to be true. If not, then yes.
Luke: Bitch, I might. Ssssssssssss (That's me speaking "snake" to Luke.)
- Oh good heavens, the 2x1 is Alex v. Chad. Stop, y'all. Oh snap, who's going home?? I think Alex is going home. I really think he's too short for her.
- Okay so Luke is really sweet and genuine. He'll make it far on this show.
- I'm predicting that Luke, James Taylor, and Jordan will do well.
- They are legit falling in love. That dancing at the bad country show was really sweet. Luke might win this whole enchilada.
PART ELEVENTEEN: GROUP DATE.
- Okay so they're at some stadium somewhere.
- They're doing football warm ups. Oh, Jordan, were you a QB?
- Doing some drills and James Taylor gets nailed in the head with someone else's head?
- Oh. James Taylor. Oh my gosh, your head is a Q-tip.
- And he's BACK IN THE GAME! He doesn't care that he looks like a wounded Civil War soldier with all that head-gauze. HELL NO. HE'S IN!
Back at the mansion...
- There's a big stupid conversation between Chad and Alex.
Back on the date...
- Evan just says he feels dangerous. I, on the other hand, feel like I want to throw up.
- EVAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH. You are the Boy George of this football game.
- White team blue team yada yada. It's a regular game of touch football.
- White team loses. Sorry 'bout ya luck.
- Robby and his bump it are disgusting. Putting someone on the pool table to hardcore make out is so gross, but it's JoJo's favorite thing to do, so whatever. She just said, "I feel like there's something in Robby that is going to blow me away." YOU MAKE MY JOB TOO EASY, JOJO.
- Poor James Taylor's head.
- JoJo keeps telling Jordan that she can't figure him out. Maybe stop hanging on each other for 5 seconds in order to have an adult conversation. Maybe try that.
- "I feel like I'm falling for you," he deadpanned, in the most monotone voice I've ever heard.
- JoJo, you didn't need Jordan to tell you how he felt about you because you wondered. You needed him to tell you how he felt about you so that you can justify how physical y'all are with each other. Let's be honest.
- TRUTH BOMBS 'CAUSE I'M DRINKIN' AND WATCHIN'.
The next day, back at the hotel...
- Chad's getting antagonized and then pops off. Yawn. How many times do we have to see this storyline play out?
- Also, told you Grant was too good to be true. Stay out of it, Grant.
- Chad is saying to Jordan what I want to say to Jordan. But he makes the mistake of threatening Jordan's life, when all he had to do was threaten to muss Jordan's hair.
- Chad has to physically babysit this entire crowd just to make sure they stop talking about him.
- Is Alex wearing black combat boots, unlaced, with a button up shirt with an open collar? Boo, that does not go.
- I hope this date is in the desert and she leaves one of them in the damn dirt. Or leaves them to get eaten by a bear.
- Oh, wow. They really are going to get eaten by a bear.
- Why is JoJo wearing a little bitch backpack? Why isn't she wearing proper hiking clothes?
- JoJo is low-blowing by talking about Chad to Alex instead of talking about Alex to Alex. Further proving the point that this is The Chad Show. But Alex took that bait and is RUNNING WITH IT.
- JoJo looks like the kind of girl who says, "Beat your ass," and hangs out with people who says, "Beat your ass," a lot. She is just striking me as...how can I put this delicately?...not the classiest girl in the world.
- He HAS tried and tried and tried to talk to these guys. I mean, he's gross, but like...
- Chad menacingly whistling while walking through the woods is reminding me of that Johnny Depp movie Secret Window. Does somebody whistle in that movie?
- But I'm sure nothing will actually happen between he and Alex, because ABC is always a lie. They tried to trick us into believing that Chad and Evan got into it because Evan had a bloody nose and Chad punched a door. Editing is the devil. I bet he'll just go sit back down.
- AND he does. Just sits down.
- Chad is totally trolling Alex. Gah this is the best. This is exchange is excellent.
- Chad is saying a bunch of nonsense and tricking Alex into getting riled up. "I don't like milk, DAMMIT! STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MILK!!!!!!" Hysterical. Comedy gold.
- "Pigs are in the castle, dude."
- Aaaaand Alex gets the rose. That sucks. Poor Chad. I'm sad to see him go. He's easily the most entertaining thing about this show.
- Wait I'm sorry - she didn't even say goodbye to him?? What just happened? Did he actually get dumped in the woods and she just walked off making out with Lil' Tyke Alex? I'm dead serious what is going on. She literally left him in the woods. She didn't even hug him? Okay, I'm just gonna say it: she sucks. I don't like her.
The preview for the next episode in two weeks looks like a absolute doozy. Although, as we all know, ABC is a master of lies, so it could easily be the most low-key thing we've ever seen.
Meet you guys back on the couch.