A Miracle Product for Dogs.

Our sweet little puppy has a bit of an anxiety problem these days. 

If you've ever met Tom Hanks, you know he is the chillest and the illest. At this point, we have probably taken a few dozen different pictures of him asleep in various positions, locations, and places in our house. If we're here, he is mostly cool as a cucumber. 

Recently, though, I've started working a bit more (hey, Pure Barre! Woo hoo!) and because of that, both Jordan and I have been spending more time away from our house. Last year, TH went from being kept in a crate while we were gone to having full reign of the house. He does really well with that - doesn't chew up or destroy anything - but we have noticed that he's started chewing hot spots into his poor little legs. He'll start chewing these hot spots while we're gone, but these days he keeps chewing on them even when we're home.  

We called our vet to ask her advice, and she recommended a product that they actually use in the vet's office. 

Enter: Comfort Zone. 

Comfort Zone is a diffuser that releases a pheromone they call Adaptil. Adaptil mimics the Dog Appeasing Pheromone (DAP) that nursing moms release to calm their puppies. To use it, you simply plug it in. The rest is done for you. The scent is imperceptible to humans, but I am here to TESTIFY that it works for dogs. 

No joke - literally within minutes of plugging these diffusers in, Tom Hanks had a noticeably calmer demeanor. We have not seen or heard him scratching, chewing, or restlessly gnawing at his paws or hot spots - not even once - since we plugged these in. I am completely bowled over by these results. We have two downstairs - one in our bedroom and one in the dining room. Probably overkill, since they work for up to 500 square feet. One cartridge works for 30 days, and the plug-ins are good for up to 6 months. 

Mere minutes after the diffuser was plugged in.

My disclaimer is that TH is already a pretty calm dog - he just needed a little push over the edge into Chill Town while we were gone. If your dog struggles with aggression or behavioral issues, this may not be the product you're looking for. 

But if your dog is skittish toward, barks at noises outside, or has separation anxiety (like our little fella), this may be a life-saver. 

I ordered mine on Amazon at this link. 

Thanks, Comfort Zone! We love you! 

This post is not sponsored - it's just that good a product. 

My First Camping Trip, Part I.

I SURVIVED. 

Big, bold headline to start. 

I am also VERY thankful that I had not seen Deliverance prior to this trip. Although I did immediately come home and stream it on Netflix, which was probably a poor choice for future camping trips. 

You may have read last Friday that I was striking out with Jordan, Parker (my brother) and Emily (his girlfriend) on my first-ever camping trip. So much fun, so many stories. So I'll give you a play-by-play of the weekend. 

• We depart about two hours late because Jordan had a work emergency. 
• As we're driving, it starts to rain. So we're late and it's raining, and because we're late, we have no idea whether or not there will actually be a campsite, since you can't reserve them in advance. 
• Jordan is a little flustered and misses our turn, so we end up driving about 4 hours instead of what would've been 3. 
• Off to a good start.
• Jordan had planned to arrive around 4 so that we had plenty of daylight to "make camp," which is a thing outdoorsy people say to mean "put up a tent and build a fire." 
• Instead, we have about 10 minutes of low-level daylight left when we get to the site at about 8 PM, so Jordan deftly assembles the tent with a little help from me, then gets to work on the fire. 
• I start to gather firewood (small sticks, medium stick, and larger logs, as I'm instructed) and immediately discover two woodland creatures living by our campsite: a giant frog and a teeny tiny garter snake. 
• Instead of losing it re: seeing a snake, I cover my total panic by stating, "SNAKE," in a very loud, clear voice. I knew upon seeing it that it was a garter snake, but it was still two tiny, shiny eyes staring at me from within the bowels of a dead tree stump. 
• I pick up a log and five GIANT daddy longlegs crawl off of it. 
• I also discover with horror that the last people to use the campsite decided to use the facilities, i.e. POOP, in the middle of the dirt road leading to where we pitched our tent. 
• Human. Poop. 
• Their toilet paper, which also should have been disposed of, is sitting in a crumpled pile next to the HUMAN POOP. 
• We avoid it all weekend. 
• Jordan grabs his headlamp and starts a fire using the few scraps of wood that I gathered (and dry, because it also rained while we were driving out there - yikes).
• Because it is SO DARK, he also has to turn the headlights of the Jeep on in order to have something to see by. 

Why yes, it was dark as hell. 

• Having never been camping before, I was trying to talk myself out of being freaked out. The dark is not my favorite thing, particularly unfamiliar dark. Add "outdoor" to the unfamiliar darkness, and it's basically my own special little horror movie. 
• To keep myself from being scared, I nervously chatter to Jordan. "Wow. This fire is impressive. Seriously! How did you learn to do that? Well, you're good at it. I feel so protected! Also, cute shirt. Did I get you that shirt? I can't remember. Blue looks good on you, though. You should wear more blue. I love you! What are you thinking about?? Do you miss Tom Hanks?" 
• #myhusbandisasaint
• Eventually, we got the fire going. I remembered that I actually know how to make/stoke a fire from my childhood home's wood burning fireplace, so I help Jordan and actually do a pretty damn good job taking our fire from small to medium. 

Look at me go! 

• Parker and Emily were driving in from Nashville, so Jordan and I had a couple of hours to ourselves, we decided to make dinner using the MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat) we bought. 
• I had a penne with marinara, Jordan had something called Chili Mac. ...mmm. 
• I am sad to report that Jordan's was absolutely better than mine. Like, not even close. Mine tasted like what I would imagine shards of fiberglass soaked in unseasoned water would taste like. 
• Jordan's, though the name was MUCH grosser, tasted like what I expected - not great, but definitely not terrible. He shared with me. 
• Emily and P rolled in at about 10:45 and we got the party ROLLING! 

They were in color in person.

• They'd already eaten, so we toured them around the campsite (included the HUMAN POOP), they set up their tent, and we cooked some marshmallows. 
• After some catching up and giggles, we all headed to bed to get good rest for the day ahead. 

• We piled into our tents. Jordan's and my tent is mesh at the top, so we could see the stars We could also see the moon, which happened to be a full one that night and VERY bright. 
• I felt stupid complaining about it, but the moon was so bright that it was as though a giant lamp was being held over my face as I slept. While Jordan slept peacefully, I flipped around in the tent all night like a fish.
• I started with my head in one direction, then flipped so my head was at Jordan's feet to try to find some SHADE FROM THE MOON (yep, that's a real thing). 
• At one point in the night, we hear a gunshot in the distance. I am convinced that someone is going to come shoot us to death and that I will wake up to a crazy mountain man's face grinning wildly through the mesh ceiling before he puts me out of my misery. 
• The murderer does not show up, though several trucks drive by around 3 AM. With each passing car, I shoot up straight in my sleeping back and prepare for battle. 
• They keep driving. 
• I jam up my shoulder a little bit trying to sleep on my side, but it's worth it. I finally fall into a deep sleep for three hours or so, until we were all gently awoken by the sweet sounds of the crow:

• Jordan and I got up a little ahead of P and E and got "ready" for the day. That entailed wiping down with some baby wipes, changing clothes, and brushing our teeth over the little river flowing behind our campsite. 

• Once I was able to see everything in the daylight, I started to really appreciate where we were. Though the night had been a little sleepless, the area we had chosen was gorgeous and secluded, and it started to be exciting that we were really fending for ourselves out here.
• Jordan got started on coffee while I started setting things out for breakfast burritos. 
• When Parker did wake up (last, of course), he immediately asked for a marshmallow. And so his trail name was born = MARSHMALLOW. 

• Once the whole gang was up and moving, Emily and I started preparing the potatoes and sausage for our burritos, while Parker started what would become an hours-long odyssey to start a fire with a fire-starter he'd bought at an outdoor store.

• For anyone going on any future group camping trips, I can't recommend our breakfast highly enough. Let me just include this recipe really quick: 

One-Skillet Breakfast Burritos - AKA Camp Food: 

1 package of Andouille sausage
Carton of eggs
1 ziplock bag of chopped peppers and onions
2 russet potatoes
Salt and pepper to taste
Cheddar cheese
Small tortillas

Crumble and cook the sausage while chopping the potatoes into consistent pieces. Add the potatoes to the sausage mixture and let them soften. Crack 6 eggs right into the pan and scramble the mixture together. When you're ready to serve, add chopped peppers and onions. Lay tortillas on a flat surface, scoop the sausage mixture in, and top with cheese which will melt upon sprinkling. PERFECT camping meal! 

• Then we sat around, drinking coffee/tea and and hanging out for a while as Parker continued to work on starting a fire.  
• Jordan made him what's called a "featherstick," and is supposed to be helpful. 

• It turns out, starting a fire without a lighter is pretty challenging. 
• I snuck off to go to the bathroom, i.e. tee tee in the woods, and was of course, immediately caught by a passing car. #classic 
• After our breakfast pans were cleaned, we finished the coffee and started getting ready to go rafting on the Ocoee. 
• We piled in the car and drove to Ducktown, which was about 15 minutes from our site. Ducktown is exactly as you would picture it: very small, very rural, lots of ducks.
• (Just kidding about the ducks.) 
• We get AMPED for rafting - I am the only one on our trip who's never been, and I am extremely excited. 

Emily, I know you're going to kill me, but this picture is way too funny not to share. 

• We get geared up - vests, helmets, and paddles - and board the bus for our river adventure. 

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2! Spoiler alert: 

Emmy 2016: Fetch or Wretch?

It's that time of the week. Let's recap a night full of, as Amy Poehler once put it, the rat-faced people of television! 

Can I just say something before we start? I saw this headline today: "Amy Schumer Shut Down the Sexist Question, 'Who are you wearing?' Once and For All!" 

Mmkay. 

First of all, what Amy actually said was who she was wearing, she just happened to make a joke about how she was also wearing an OB tampon. #classicamy 

It really bothers me that the question, "Who are you wearing?" is being deemed as sexist. Y'all, these celebrities don't own any of these clothes. These gowns were loaned or were custom-made for them by design houses as a means of promotion. When Kerry Washington steps on the red carpet looking FIERCE AS HELL (we'll get to that in a minute), she's a walking advertisement for Brandon Maxwell. It's not sexist to ask women what designer has created the look they're wearing - it IS sexist to ONLY ask them about that. 

Whew. I feel better. Okay. Let's get to judgin'. 

FETCH. 

1. Felicity Huffman

Girl, I don't know whatcha man is wearing, but you look great. This is simple, understated, well-fitted - hair and makeup are on point. I also love her, which never hurts. 

2. Padma Lakshmi

I mean, it's Padma in a skin-tight, slinky, silver, sequined gown. Do I really need to say more? Fit is fabulous and she looks super striking. 

3. Priyanka Chopra

The actual definition of "feeling myself." Priyanka is such a knockout 100% of the time, but everything about this look makes me want to applaud. That color on her is to die for, and she clearly  l o v e s  how she looks in it, which makes it that much better. She was twirling all night, including when she came out on stage to present an award. You go, Priyanka. 

4. Kristen Bell

Beautiful. My only quibble here is that the makeup could've been a touch more punchy, just so everything wasn't quite so beige, but that dress is SUPER fabulous and really unusual. I love that all four dresses featured so far are totally different, which just goes to show - it's not about fitting into a mold, it's about finding what works for you. 

5. Emilia Clarke

That fit. WOW. She looks like she was poured into that dress, and I mean that in the best way. Totally beautiful. Again, could've punched up the makeup, but I love that she kept her hair back so that all you see is dressdressdress. 

6. Kate McKinnon

Jordan's girlfriend Kate doesn't always get it right, but she really nailed it last night. Sure, there are some minor fit issues around her waist, but overall, that dress reads as lovely. She is glowing, which, once again, makes a huge difference. And she won! Love her so. 

7. Tina Fey

So really I have a couple of bones to pick here, but I loooooove this color and love that Tina knows what works: her tiny, not-a-real-human waist is showcased. It does read as a little "bathing suit cover-up" if you're not careful...man, I don't know anymore. I may have just talked myself out of this being Fetch. Let's move on. 

8. Sarah Paulson

I waffled a little on this, but ultimately, this dress is pretty spectacular. The craftsmanship of the dress alone is pretty incredible, but when you pair it with Sarah Paulson, who I find to be particularly fabulous, it really sings. Perfect color on her. Not completely in love with the plunging neckline, but whatever. More than anything, this was a great night for her because DAMN did she ever deserve that win. If you haven't seen American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson, you need to RUN, not walk, to your computer and start. It's worth every second, and its cast (rightly) cleaned house last night. Watching Marcia Clark get absolved on stage by Sarah Paulson was tear-jerking. 

Now, for a declaration.

The winner of the night: 

Kerry "Slay All Day" Washington!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the Fetchest of them all? KERRY KERRY KERRY. 

I mean, come ON, right?? Every angle, every photo, everyTHING about this look is so fierce it's almost hard to look at directly. I can't even form a full sentence so here are some fragments: pregnant. Glowing. Natural hair. Goddess. Perfect skin. Cutouts. Fit. 

She is not of this world and we are lucky to behold her. 

Le sigh. Soak up Kerry, because now it's time to rot your corneas with these MESSES. 

WRETCH. 

1. Sarah Hyland. 

Sarah's dress got caught in the limo door on the way here, so she borrowed a friend's workout leggings to make do. Really, though, it's pretty terrible. I understand the idea, but everything about it is aging and unflattering, from where the bodice hits her midsection to the two giant, floppy dog ears she's wearing as a skirt. It's not good, girl. Reconsider. 

2. Giuliana Rancic

Giuliana looks like a small mammal who got caught in a wind tunnel outside a bridal salon. She is tangled up in that tulle and she can't get out. SOMEBODY HELP. 

3. Sofia Vergara

I know I know, I said that thing about knowing what works, but y'all - it's just tired. She wears the same tight, bustier, corset-backed, ass-featuring dress to every event. Come on, Sofia. You're gorg. Find something else. 

5. Gabby Hoffman

This isn't really fair, but I can't get Gabby's character on Girls (has long underarm hair, takes baths in front of her brother) out of my head when looking at her. Know your audience, Gabby. This men's shirt is just not cutting it. 

6. Alia Shawkat

Oh - sorry! The barbeque is down the street. No, you're totally fine - happens all the time! You can leave your heels here and grab some flip flops from the basket at the back door. Thanks! 

7. Michelle Dockery

Hot take, I know. Listen, the overall look is gorgeous. The level of formality is exactly right, she's perfectly accessorized, her head styling is on point. This is a personal preference. I reeeeeeeeeeally don't love tiered (or pick-up, for that matter) skirts. But what's bugging even more about this dress is the two little boob ruffles. Each breast looks like a hooded head. Not my thing. Sorry, Michelle. Love you though. 

8. Aziz Ansari

This is what you should look like at the end of the night, not the beginning. Not here for the tie-less look. Also, those pants are too tight. ...I feel bad, because I love Aziz so much, but it's true. 

And the Wretchest goes to...

Anna Chlumsky! 

*needle scratch*

Um...what?? 

My Girl has been playing dress up in her grandmother's trunk. Tonight, she's wearing a brocade quilt she found. The little ring of elastic around the hem of the skirt was her favorite touch, because she did that herself with her own sewing machine. It says, "I'm here to look classy, but if I need to drop at low at the after-party, this skirt gives me the freedom to do so." 

Wince. 

You know JLD personally, right?? Take some style tips from her. And ask her what her skincare regimen is because THA BITCH DOESN'T AGE. 

Anxiety.

It's a pesky little concept. 

Anxiety is something I never really thought I struggled with. And, to be fair, I don't have a chronic anxiety problem. It isn't something for which I take medication or see a counselor (though man oh man do I believe in counseling and therapy!). But it is something I've learned more about recently, and I'll tell you why. 

First, let me share how anxiety creeps into my world.

Mine is a social anxiety. Sure, I experience other types from time to time - anxiety about work, about money, about big looming life decisions - but the majority of the time, my anxiety shows up in one of the following ways: 

• Inviting people over, then stressing to an absurd degree about my house (what it looks like, whether it's nice enough, hosting, etc.). 
• Tightness in my chest at the thought of an upcoming social gathering with people I don't know very well and whether people will like me.
• Playing a social interaction back in my head (sometimes over and over) and worrying whether that thing I said or did has made a person start spontaneously disliking me. 
• Knowing someone is upset with me and being slowly eaten alive by that information.

Have you been there? 

I know many of my friends struggle with anxiety in a more debilitating way: playing back the day's conversations long into the night, restless, unable to sleep until they know beyond a doubt that they didn't offend or upset anyone; that same tight-chestedness, but all the time and spanning from activity to activity; being so racked with doubt and fear that everyday decisions can seem overwhelming. 

Do you relate? 

I think anxiety, lots of times, is born out of being sensitive. And I don't mean "sensitive" as in, "get your feelings hurt easily." I mean truly sensitive - the definition of the word - a person who senses. If you're a person like me who senses the social balance in a room when you walk into it, or who senses when someone is upset before other people catch on, or who reads about tragedy in the world and feels like it has happened to you: that's sensitivity. And I think that's a great quality (though I'm admittedly a little biased). It makes for creative, loving, intuitive people. But it can also be a tinderbox for anxiety. 

This is where my friend Meredith comes in. 

There's a concept in carpentry (h/t Glennon Doyle Melton) called that really applies here. When the joists (the weight-bearing pieces of a building that preserve the structural integrity) get overloaded with bearing the weight of the building, carpenters go back in and add reinforcements. They add a board on either side of the joist, creating a stronger, more stable structure. The act of adding those extra boards is called "sistering." 

When I first heard this explained, a lightbulb went off in my head. I don't have any biological sisters (hey, Parker!); instead, I have a handful of girlfriends who are more like family. All throughout my life, when I've needed extra support - when the weight of my own world has become too heavy - I have looked to my left and to my right and found my sisters to help me bear the burden. 

In this particular case, at this particular juncture in my life, the concepts of sistering and dealing with anxiety fit like a hand in a glove. 

Meredith, one of my sisters, has taken her own winding and fascinating path to end up exactly where she is right now. She has done loads of research about anxiety and has dealt with it in very real ways herself. She's a certified yoga instructor and a pharmacist, so she's deeply familiar with the inner-workings of both the mind and the body. Meredith decided a few months ago that she was going to use the work she'd done to overcome her own anxiety toward helping others overcome theirs. Aside from just talking about anxiety, this program involves movement - actual yoga - to accompany the mantras and lessons you learn each session. I took Meredith's pilot program in February and noticed a tangible difference in the way I moved through the world: 

Suddenly, I felt lighter, more at peace, less mentally frantic. I wasn't re-tracing my conversational steps. I wasn't freaking out when people came over. I could separate my thoughts from my SELF - the deepest and truest part of me. I could be still. It was world-rocking and incredible. 

Since her course, there have been moments when I slip back into my old habits. When that happens, I have a list of mantras (provided by Meredith's coursework) that I return to to remind myself of what's important; of how to stay grounded. It has helped me enormously.

You can get more of an idea of what the course is like by visiting this link and listening to the free workshop Meredith put together to explain the program. Stick with it - if it sounds a little "rah-rah-cheerleader" for you at the beginning, just give it some time. I can guarantee that you'll learn something, be intrigued, and, if you decide to pursue the course, your life will be changed by this important and meaningful work. 

Because y'all - we have ONE LIFE. Who wants to live it tied up in knots about things beyond their control?? 

Life is hard. Anxiety is paralyzing. Sistering is important. So let me lend you one of mine. 

To learn more, click the photo above or visit meredithmcelroy.com. 

The Story of My Wedding Shoes

So the first thing you should know about me is that I'm a serious Sarah Jessica Parker fan. Yes, I'm a Sex And the City fan, too, but it runs deeper than that. My love affair with SJP began in high school when saw my first few episodes of SATC. The curly-haired, effortlessly stylish writer that she played on that show would serve to be one of the female characters I idolized growing up (more on that in another post). One of my most treasured Christmas gifts was a tiny diamond horseshoe necklace like the one she wears. I still have a giant costume flower that I pin on jackets and dresses every so often. 

Beyond Carrie, though, I love SJP herself. She is whip-smart, funny, classy to a fault. I love her blindly and always will.

My freshman year in college, the Sex and the City movie came out. My mom and I went to see it and it was every bit as fabulous as I thought it would be. One scene in particular stayed with me: 

Those shoes, people. 

They were so gorgeous and so unique. I loved them so much that when a friend of mine spotted them in a Saks in Chicago, she snapped a photo and sent it to me. That picture was the background photo of my Blackberry Pearl (anyone? anyone?) for two years. 

My between my sophomore and junior years, I studied abroad in England at Oxford University. One of the weekend trips I'd scheduled was for me and two girlfriends - just a day trip into London. We would arrive, shop, eat, see Les Miserables (my all-time favorite Broadway show) and then come back. 

Little did I know.

The girls, Alexis and Elizabeth, had seen the background photo on my phone and had recognized the shoes immediately. 

"I wonder if there's a Manolo store here," Elizabeth asked.

I hadn't even thought of this possibility and grabbed my phone to Google. 

There was. It was a stand-alone Manolo Blahnik store - not inside a mall, but a real-deal, floor-to-ceiling Manolo store. We all squealed. 

"Call and see if they have your shoes!!" 

I frantically clicked the number listed underneath the address I'd found online and waited. 

"Manolo Blahnik, how can we help?" 

"Um, hi!" I was painfully Southern and PAINFULLY uncool, but I was trying my hardest to sound adult and professional. "I'm looking for the 'Something Blue' pumps with the rhinestone buckle. Do you have any in store?" 

"We have one pair." 

"Really?? Oh my gosh, thank you!!" I practically screamed. Then hung up. 

The girls stared at me in anticipation. 

"...well?" 

"They have a pair. I can't believe it." 

"Are they your size??" Elizabeth was being practical. In my spazzy panic, I hadn't even asked. 

"Oh. Right. Okay. Yes." 

So I called back and asked. 

"The shoes are a 39 1/2." 

I quickly thanked them and hung up again. 

"And??" the girls said. 

"They're a 39 1/2," I reported. I had absolutely no idea what that meant. 

I Googled (man, Google really came to our rescue in this story) to discover that the single pair of my dream shoes in all of London - maybe even all of England - came in my size. I relayed this information to the girls. 

"We have to go. Right now." Alexis was determined to get us there before the curtain rose for our show later that afternoon. 

And so we did. 

Alexis, in her brilliance, documented each leg of the journey. First, we took the tube to the stop nearest the store:  

Circa 2009. 

We literally ran out of the subway and, panting, hailed a cab we'd soon realize was being manned by the slowest driver on this planet. 

Me and the slowest man. Note the Blackberry Pearl hanging out in my lap.

"Sir, I hate to be a bother, but could you speed it up just a bit? We're really trying to make an appointment." 

The whole ride over, all I could think about was whether I was about to put my foot into a shoe I'd been dreaming about for years. It was more than just a shoe - it was a connection with this person who'd always been aspirational to me. It sounds silly, I know, but Sarah Jessica Parker is more than just a celebrity I love. She's someone whose candor and example have given me something to strive for. I have plenty of wonderful female role models in my real life, but she and I have a special relationship. I wanted to have my very own Carrie Bradshaw moment. 

Finally, we arrived. I remember pulling up like it was yesterday. Vines grew along the edges of the marble awning where the subtle words "Manolo Blahnik" were carved in small letters. 

I felt light-headed. Suddenly, I didn't feel old enough to be here. Did you need parental supervision at Manolo?? Would they let us in? It felt sneaky - rebellious, even - to waltz into this store at 20 years old, accompanied only by other 20-year-old's. But I was on my own in another country, and everything, even going to the food truck outside our college, sent a bolt of electric independence through my chest. 

"I'm only going to try them on," I told the girls. I didn't want any expectations raised that I'd actually be purchasing these bad boys.

Elizabeth and me right before walking in. 

We took our first steps into the small store and I quickly realized we were the only people there. The salesman immediately recognized me (I'm sure the accent was a dead giveaway) and led me straight to the shoes, which were sitting on top of a box, waiting.

"Will you be trying them on?" he asked. 

"Yes."  

I sat down in a chair and the salesman slipped the shoes on, one after the other.

The last photo we were able to take inside as we were told that "Mr. Blahnik doesn't allow photography in the store." Well then. Noted.

Few times in my life have I been speechless, but this was one of them. I couldn't believe I was here. I couldn't believe these shoes were on my feet. 

I stood up and looked in the full-length mirror. Suddenly, standing before me was the reflection of a grown-up girl. These shoes completed the transformation that study abroad had begun: I was an adult now. I was my own woman. I was the agent of my own happiness. For that moment, the person I always wanted to be and the person I actually was merged together. It wasn't the shoes - it was what the shoes represented. Tears filled my eyes, and I heard myself say, 

"Sold." 

"YAY!!!" My precious friends were celebrating and clapping - they'd secretly wanted me to buy these shoes all along. 

It was, to date, the most expensive purchase I've ever made and will probably be the only one of its kind. I won't go into cost details (cough, way-too-expensive, cough) except to say that I paid my parents back for the loan they made. But what choice did I have? These shoes were more than shoes. 

Moments after we left the store, having a total joy-fit. 

We ran sprinting down the streets of London, breaking a tiny sweat, and slid into our seats during the overture of Les Mis. It was a Top 5 day in my life then, and still is. 

I knew when I bought them that I'd keep them unworn until I got married. These were no ordinary shoes - not shoes to tout around at parties or wear to random dinners. No, these shoes were sacred to me - they would be worn for the first time down the aisle at my wedding. 

(Except for all the times I'd "practice" around my house, of course.) 

When I put these shoes on to walk down the aisle in 2014, years later, to a man I hadn't even met when I tried these shoes on in that store in London, I felt a funny wrinkle in time. 

As I looked in the full-length mirror in my wedding gown, I realized that part of what made that moment 2009 so transcendent is that that Mary Catherine, the 20-year-old version, knew somewhere deep down in her bones that these shoes would accent not just that one, but two moments of formative importance. My past self and my current one connected across time and space, both of us standing in our favorite shoes, both having traveled miles and learned lots of lessons to be standing right there. It almost felt like, if I stared hard enough at my reflection, I'd see myself in that yellow dress, smile bursting off my face. Without that girl, I wouldn't have been this one, I thought. They took me down the aisle to the love of my life, then out the door with him as we started our new adventure together. 

I've only ever worn the shoes again to my second anniversary dinner with Jordan. They sit in the now-tattered Manolo box that has been moved from house to house to house, and every so often I peek inside. They wink at me from their box, still inside, still magical, wondering what adventure is around the corner. 

Whatever it is, they'll be along for the trip. 

Fetch or Wretch: VMA Red Carpet

My dear friend Andy Garden and I used to play this game when we lived in the same city. We'd all congregate at someone's house to watch an awards show red carpet, and Andy I would deem (and by "deem," I mean "scream at the TV") the looks "fetch" (h/t Mean Girls) or "wretch." "Fetch," obviously, was the a look we loved, "wretch" was...well, you get it. 

This list was never about the body in the dress, but about whether the dress was an absolute trainwreck of a choice. And it's the VMA's, so there are bound to be some. 

I recognized some obvious characters, but lots of this this red carpet was one long, sad question: "Who ARE these kids?!" 

...is 27 the new 87? 'Cause I'm feelin' old, friends. 

Let's take a walk. 

Fetch. 

1. Beyoncé

...obviously. It almost didn't matter what she wore last night because the level of slayage was so high. Although I am sick to DEATH of this sheer dress "check out my underwear" trend and want it to die in a fire, if we have to look at it, this is a pretty fabulous execution. I love the feathery collar (stacked sky high and reminiscent of Victorian couture), I love the color, I love it all. Beyoncé is not about practicality in this dress. She's telling you to bow down. Which you should. 

2. Justine Skye

"Who?" I know. Exactly. I seriously feel like Jack Skellington when he goes to Christmastown. "What's this?? What's this??" ...anyone? No? 

Well anyway, I really love this freakin' jacket. LOOK at it! It has a life of its own. Great shoe choice. She's clearly having fun with it, and that's the point of the VMA's red carpet. 

3. Hailee Steinfeld

Hailee is channeling Kylie Jenner, who wore a similar Balmain look to something I'm not going to look up because I'm trying not to #keepupwiththekardashians these days: 

It's well done, I guess, but it's just so basic. Remember when Lady Gaga showed up in a freakin' egg?? Those were the days. Where's all the theater gone? 

Similarly, remember when the Kardashians hadn't taken over the fashion industry and influenced people to wear barely-there, naked dresses and Balmain? I do. I do. 

AND YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN. 

4. Britney Spears

Again - basic. BUT. With Britney, sometimes "basic" is a great thing. Sister knows that all eyes are on her with the release of her newest album, Glory, and she's playing it smart. No weirdo outfits, no risks - simple, body-con, black pumps, killer hair. I know it's boring, okay? I know. But #leavebritneyalone because she looks great, even if it could've been a more exciting look. 

4. Hailey Baldwin

Hailey is also representing the second alternative spelling of "Haley" in this post. Good for you, girls. Plant those flags. 

In what is now becoming a pattern of looks that I can't really fully get behind but have to because the others are so SO bad, this is just polished enough to be on this side of the list. It's tailored, it's beautiful, the head styling is really nice, and I really wish the pants were opaque. 

Is it so much to ask that I don't have to look at the panties of every celebrity who steps outside? Somebody get her a beach towel to wrap around her waist. 

5. Stella Maxwell

I have no idea who this person is, but I have nothing but respect for this outfit choice. Is it crazy? Sure it is. But this is the Video Music Awards, site of such legendary moments as Britney and Madonna making out, Lady Gaga and the meat dress, Kanye beginning the Taylor and Kanye feud, Miley twerking all over Robin Thicke. It's where Beyoncé announced she was pregnant. CAN WE GET A LITTLE DRAMA?

Of COURSE this outfit is insane. And yes, the top makes her boobs look like the eyes of a chameleon. But it's dramatic, bold, and risky - exactly what the VMA red carpet should be. And it's well-styled to boot. Stella may have just won the night in my book. 

6. Nicki Minaj

To be honest, I passed over this look the first time. The amount of cleavage was off-putting at first. But the more I look at it, the more I realize that this is actually a good look for Nicki. Great color, styled well...I mean, I feel like I've already made my point about the sheer/naked dress movement, so I wouldn't be redundant, but I'll give this a solid B. 

...and that does it for "Looks That Didn't Make Me Violently Ill." 

Let's get down and dirty with the not-so-good. 

Wretch. 

1. Naomi Campbell

Would have been a slam dunk, except that I'm way too distracted by whether Naomi Campbell's Naomi Campbell is about to make an appearance. We couldn't have moved that slit over just a BIT?? I mean, I guess I did ask for dramatic looks, but damn.

2. The Guy From The Fault In Our Stars

A case study in what happens when you make an average white guy feel cool. Overkill, my man. Get some sewing scissors, snip those threads off your pants, and go home to think about your choices. 

3. Whoever These People Are

This is a joke, right? Where's Ashton Kutcher? 

This looks like one of those lists featuring the worst Wal Mart family photos of all time. To just say it out loud so we can all bask in the ridiculousness, this woman, arguably in her third trimester of pregnancy, has elected to wear no shirt and boob jewelry to a nationally televised red carpet event. 

Listen, I fully plan to turn into Jabba the Hutt when I'm pregnant and eat literally anything that crosses my path, so let me first say that this girl looks like a million bucks. But like...shirt. Shirt. Just put a shirt on. Somebody gave you some bad advice, girl. 

3. Goth Barbie

I didn't think the sheer dress trend could get any worse, but this is both sheer AND crotch-centric. And doesn't have a lining in the top. So...yep. That really happened. 

4. Baddie Winkle

Had not had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Winkle until this moment, but apparently she's an 88 year old "American Internet Personality." So there's that. 

Ms. Winkle, if I may - it seems that you have been misguided by an evil stylist and/or a mischievous grandchild. Might I suggest you call Dame Helen Mirren and get some tips from her? I feel like she could point you in the right direction. Because we can see your winkle. 

Respectfully,
My Eyeballs. 

5. Dascha Polanco

Daya! No! You're beautiful and you can do better than this. Let's hook you up with Christian Siriano, who has done a beautiful job dressing some of your colleagues from OITNB. Love you!! 

6. ...ugh. 

He looks like he just got finished painting a house and she looks like she just got out of the shower. Can't even with these two. Actually cannot. Let's stop giving them what they want and talk about something else. 

7. Nick Jonas

Nicky Nicky Jo Jo. Ya got rick rack on your jacket, my man. Take it to Hobby Lobby and have them do something about that. 

And that concludes our red carpet report! Hope everyone has a great Monday - sorry for the damage these outfits inevitably caused to your brains first thing on a weekday. We should all go wash our eyeballs in one of those sinks they have in science labs for when you get a chemical burn in your retinas. See you tomorrow.