Something to Uplift You.

I'll keep it short and sweet this morning. 

Yesterday, a reader left this video series in the comments section of my post. I watched and was so heartened, so lifted up, by both sides of this conversation.

First, by the fact that Van Jones, an African American man who was a policy advisor-turned CNN commentator, took the time, for free, to sit down with (entirely White) people with whom he knew he disagreed. He wasn't there to convert people, he was there to share his opinion and to learn about theirs. 

Secondly, by the fact that this group of White folks could express their beliefs, but also listen to and learn from him. 

People would have us believe that America is a completely divided place in this moment; that we can't sit and have a respectful conversation with people who don't share our beliefs. 

Don't buy it. 

Watch this, and I'll see you Monday. Love you. 

It's Going to Be Okay. But First:

I have written and re-written this post in my head countless times today. Not because I flatter myself that anyone is waiting to hear my opinion; rather, because I feel a compulsive need to express it and to express it well. I also want to acknowledge that I understand that as a White person, even as a woman who has felt discriminated against, there is a certain privilege I will experience, especially as the result of a Trump presidency. There are inevitably blind spots in what follows.  

I want to make it clear that this blog is neutral space. And to be extra clear: I am not inviting hateful, racist, xenophobic, sexist bigots to the table. There is no neutral space for that sort of rhetoric.

But for thoughtful, caring folks - conservative, progressive, and everything in-between - this is for all of us. 

I want to describe the 24 hours from Tuesday afternoon to Wednesday. And I want to talk about some rough things on the way through, but trust me -- this post is hopeful. Just stay with me if you can.

----

Monday, around lunch, I jumped on Facebook to see what people were talking about in response to the election. I saw a status written by a friend of mine who is Muslim and whose family immigrated to this country. The last line said:

"Donald Trump has made it clear that this country isn't for people like us. The ******* family needs a Clinton win because our lives will change forever without it." 
 

I also saw so many hopeful, joyful, fabulous statuses celebration Hillary Clinton's historic candidacy. Women all over the place celebrating the fact that they'd cast their vote for a woman. I felt I knew beyond a doubt that she would win the election. 

When Jordan got home, I went with him to vote (I had already done so through North Carolina's early voting option). When we got to the polls, I stayed in the car and watched a volunteer offer Jordan a Democratic sample ballot. Another volunteer offered him a Republican sample ballot. He took both, said thank you, and walked into his polling place. 

Minutes later, another car pulled up. A well-dressed White man in his late 50's or early 60's got out of the car with his wife. The Democratic volunteer approached him and offered him a ballot. He responded by saying: 

"If I had it my way, you would be shot. You people are a bunch of fucking Communists." 
 

My mouth fell open. From inside the car, I gave the volunteer a sympathetic smile and tried to be as kind to him as possible as the man and his wife walked in to vote.

Afterward, we went to dinner at a local Mexican restaurant and another man walked in with his wife. At that point in the evening, it was just Jordan, Tom Hanks (our dog) and I on the outdoor porch of this restaurant. The hostess came out to wipe off a few tables. He shouted at her, grinning:

"Excuse me! We're from immigration, and we're here to check for any illegals!" 
 

We came back home and went across the street to a watch party, which was supplied with adorable decorations, hats, pizza, and cookie cake.

We watched the returns roll in. We slowly realized what was happening. 

I went back across the street to our house and put the returns on. I kept falling asleep on the couch, waking up every time I heard Wolf Blitzer announce another projection. Trump. Trump. Trump. 

I went to bed around 2 AM when it was all over. Donald Trump was going to win. HRC's concession speech was set for the next morning. 

Jordan woke up at about 6:30 to make coffee. I had planned on sleeping in to make up for the late night, but I couldn't. I walked out to the kitchen and before I could even find the words I wanted to say, I found myself dissolving into tears and enveloped in Jordan's hug. 

It wasn't because my candidate didn't win. It had nothing to do with losing. I've lost before. I cried because Donald Trump has said and done some gruesome, terrible, frightening things, and because I had no idea that so many people in this country were hurting badly enough to elect him. It felt like learning that Santa isn't real, except Santa is the America that I recognize. The one that's inclusive and kind, that welcomes instead of wipes out. It's the "celebrate our differences" America, not the "build a wall" America. It wasn't the "choke up and move on" kind of cry. It was something deep inside me that kept welling up unexpectedly throughout the day. The dehydrating kind. It was heartbreak. 

I never, never, never knew that there were enough people in our country who were so unhappy, who felt so unrepresented, that this man would have even a shred of a chance. I read this post after Jordan left for work, written by a friend of mine who is gay, and it brought a new round of tears: 

And this brings me to the part where (and I hope they're still reading) many Trump voters began to make more sense to me. 

There are Trump voters who are terrible. They're racist, they're backwards, they're Alt Right, they've Twitter-harassed people, they say things like the folks above have said. It's not okay. It will never be okay. 

But there's another group here. These people who elected a man so many of us find deplorable - they themselves are not deplorable. There is a litany of reasons why a person would vote for Donald Trump. 

Maybe they couldn't stomach the thought of a left-leaning Supreme Court. 
Maybe they are so hungry for a candidate who will deliver on a promise to see them, acknowledge them, and hear them that they were willing to put aside a lot of what Trump said. 
Maybe they just couldn't bring themselves to trust Secretary Clinton or her message because she was too "establishment."  
Maybe they are lifelong conservatives who felt they had no other choice. 

I don't know why, but I do know who. You do, too. They're our friends from home, they are our immediate family members or grandparents, our co-workers, our friends from church. They are Americans, just like us. 

In the coming weeks, the waters are going to be choppy. I am not naive enough - or maybe I am no longer naive enough - to believe otherwise. Facebook is a warzone of declarations, excuses, defenses, cries for help. I don't want to tell you how to feel - you can bail on this post right now. But here's where I think we have a choice: 

If you voted for Donald Trump, you are going to have to give people a minute. The man you elected has wounded many of us on a level that no longer allows us to feel safe in our own country. The world is a scary place for me as a woman, and an even scarier one for my friends who are immigrants, Muslims, LGBT, or disabled. It is frightening to have a leader who has made us feel like we are disposable. You have to give us some time. You have to ask us some questions and make sure that we are okay. I don't think it's a coincidence that I've heard two unbelievably hateful things in the last 24 hours. I think this election has made people feel like it's acceptable to talk like that. And I think Donald Trump is responsible. So, you gotta understand - this is a tough one.

HOWEVER.

Voting for Trump doesn't mean you're a racist (or sexist, or misogynist, or xenophobe, or bigot). What it does mean is that you have an added responsibility to combat racism (and the like), because a Trump White House means that lots of bigots in our country are going to feel more comfortable saying and doing horrible, discriminatory things. Like this: 

I also want to say that I think I'm starting to understand how you have felt. I think you have been feeling what I felt on Wednesday morning - that this country is unrecognizable to you, that this isn't the America you know, that your voice isn't being heard - for years now. Especially if you are White and working class, you've been counted out. I know I have counted you out. It's a terrible feeling. I hope we can fix it together. 

If you voted for Hillary Clinton, take your time and grieve. And then, when we recover, we are going to have to do some listening of our own. Not to anyone whose rhetoric is like Trump's has been during this campaign; no. Never. We NEVER have to listen to demeaning, hateful, vitriol. Never. But there is something we've been missing, and here's how I know: a significant cross-section of the people who voted for Trump also voted for Barack Obama.

That tells us something very important: lots of Trump voters weren't voting based on policy or ideology. They were voting based on the change they want to see in Washington. They've voting for whichever candidate promises the more radically different version of America. They're hoping that this person who appealed directly to them is finally going to see them and hear them.

Something is wrong and we have to fix it. And we have to start by actually looking each other in the eye. Your only other choice is to stay stewing, bitter and hardened. We can't do that. We have to show up. Our presence is vital, just like theirs. The truth is, we have no idea what kind of President Donald Trump will be. He ran as a Republican, which, ideologically, he isn't. So we have to hope that his unpredictability will surprise us once again -- that the candidate he was isn't representative of the President he'll become. 

--

I don't know what's going to happen. Tuesday night taught me that lesson in the form of an enormous slice of humble pie. What I know is that it is a lot harder to hate people you know. It's a lot harder to fear people you've met and talked with. There is some hate and some fear that we've got to get rid of by sitting at the table together and talking this the hell out. In the last 12 hours, I have talked to and listened to two Trump voters who I love. One is one of my very best friends, and one is someone with whom I work. There were a couple of uncomfortable moments for both of us. But we did it. And we are on the other side of that conversation. And I have to believe it made us stronger. 

If you spent yesterday crying, I understand. I am here with you. I have never felt heartbreak like that unless it was the result of getting dumped unexpectedly (has happened more than a few times). 

If you spent yesterday celebrating, be patient. Look around. Would you celebrate in a room full of people who'd all had a beer thrown in their faces? You wouldn't. You'd grab a towel and start cleaning up. 

If you woke up yesterday in America, take heart: we're all still here. Don't get carried away in the emotional tidal wave that's headed straight for us. Don't allow yourself to get cynical about whether or not this country is beautiful. Don't let the hatefulness of a few people convince you that the world is a hateful place. Instead, I hope we can start to show that bullying is fundamentally un-American. I hope we'll invite hard conversations and hold on for dear life as they unfold. I hope you'll hug someone who you have a hard time loving. I hope we can all understand that, though it's hard to believe, there are folks out there who have a hard time loving us. 

So go home. Circle your wagons. Listen to people feel their feelings all out loud. And then take a deep breath. Wait and watch. The Next Right Thing always comes around the corner. It's up to us to have the courage - not the absence of fear, but action in spite of it - to do that Thing, whatever it is. 

It sure looks a lot like that Thing is returning to each other, reaching for each other, apologizing to each other, weeping with each other, and then building again. 

And in case no one has said it to you yet, let me: 

Everything is going to be okay. 

Let's Not Talk About the Election.

Are you just about at capacity? 

Oh my gosh. Me. TOO. 

Facebook has been a veritable war zone of think pieces, pleas, slams, and some downright angry rants. I have been feeling a mild, mounting anxiety - though it took me a long time to figure out why. Even though I've tried to shield myself from "candidate talk" (very different from "How awesome is it to vote?? SO awesome," talk, because voting is so awesome), I've still found myself reading post after post. And e-mail after e-mail. (HRC, I love ya, girl, but the 75 e-mails a day from your campaign are A LOT.)

It's like watching a trainwreck. 

Realizing that the pressure in my chest is coming from this election really gave me pause. Something amorphous, intangible, had created an actual physical symptom. How crazy is that?? 

So I gotta figure, it works the other way around. 

I want to be clear: I care about the election. I've had innumerable discussions about the candidates, relentlessly encouraged everyone I work with to vote, done my research, donated to a campaign, and voted. But for the past few days, I've been working on reversing the process.

Instead of allowing myself to listen to, read, or watch anything election-related (hell, I already voted and donated to a campaign - I consider my civic duty done until the votes are tallied), I've been turning that attention toward the world around me. 

Disciplining your thoughts is a powerful and challenging thing. I certainly haven't mastered it. But here's what I've been trying: 

• Not speaking negatively about anything or anyone - at all. This doesn't mean being fake, it just means choosing to only acknowledge the positive. 
• Being intentionally patient with everyone - cashiers, traffic, even Jordan. 
• Noticing tiny things throughout my day that are beautiful/wonderful/unique that I take for granted otherwise. 

Even just those three things have changed my mood and attitude. I've noticed: 

• The impulses to make negative comments or criticize things or people has significantly lessened.
• My blood pressure is just feels lower. So what if I'm stuck in traffic?? Who cares? What impact does that have on me? It doesn't. And it has felt good to let that go.
• Being so much more observant and grateful. Today, I noticed light streaming through the trees and onto the freshly fallen leaves and found myself laughing out loud at how beautiful it was. I like to think I'm a "stop and smell the roses" person generally, but this extra emphasis on noticing the wonder of the world has made a huge difference.

This election is important. There's no doubt about that. And by no means am I implying that the election is inconsequential or that caring about its outcome is a waste of time. 

What I do mean to say is that this election has gotten crazy as hell and I need a time out. And, for me at least, taking the time to disconnect makes my actual connection more meaningful. Stepping away from the coverage and re-charging has made me excited to re-engage on election night. 

So. Take a deep breath if you need to. Put down your phone. Turn off the TV. Look around. What's one thing you love so much it sends you into a giggle or grin? 

Let's give it some thought. 

5 Things: Podcast Roundup.

What should you be listening to? Allow me. 

A few people have asked me to do some podcast recommendations on the blog. In February, I made a list of five (This American Life, Serial, WTF with Marc Maron, Stuff You Should Know, and my podcast with Jordan - shameless, I know). Here's five more you can delight your ears with this weekend. 

In no particular order: 

1. The Moth 

Genre: Storytelling, nonfiction. 

What's it about? The Moth is recorded live, which makes it especially dynamic because there's an actual audience. There's a loose theme presented, then people tell stories related to that theme. It started out as an actual show, packing small rooms all over the country, before transforming into a podcast. 

What would it be rated? Anything from G to R - it depends on the storyteller. The same is true for the overall effect - some of these stories are hysterical, while some of them rip your guts out. I can vividly remember driving home one afternoon while listening to The Moth and having to pull over because I was in tears. It'll getcha. 

Where do I start? Just choose one and jump in. You can get a little taste for what it's like by watching this clip from the season finale of Girls last year. Disclaimer: This clip is pretty foul. Not all stories on this podcast are like this. Not even most of them, really.

2. Beautiful Anonymous

Genre: Well...any and everything, really. Confessional? 

What's it about? Okay. This is such a cool idea. There's this comedian named Chris Gethard who hosts a weekly call. Anyone can call in to this particular phone line, and if he answers, then you have up to an hour to talk about whatever you want. The catch is, he doesn't want to know your name or any specific identifying details about you, beyond what you choose to offer up. He stays on the phone until the one hour mark, then the call is over. He can't hang up until you hang up. 

What would it be rated? Again, anything from G to R. There is some intense stuff discussed on this podcast, as can be expected given that it's anonymous. There's also some truly hilarious stuff. It's a grab bag. It's also a pretty new podcast - he's only recorded 35 episodes - so it's fun to watch him find his footing. 

Where should I start? My favorite one so far has been this conversation between Chris and a guy in his 30's - they start out talking about passports and end up talking about the details of Judaism. It's called Passport, Exodus. 

3. TED Radio Hour

Genre: ALL THE THINGS. 

What's it about? I can practically hear the voice of Guy Raz as I type this. So TED (which stands for "technology," "entertainment," and "design,") is an organization that hosts talks all around the world. I'm sure you've heard of it. Brilliant people get up and explain something awesome. On TED Radio Hour, the host, Guy Raz, takes those same speakers and talks more with with them. You get to hear both clips of their talks and interviews with them, plumbing the depths of their subject. 

What would it be rated? G or PG, mostly. He'll tell you if otherwise. 

Where should I start? How We Love, Maslow's Human Needs, What We Fear, 7 Deadly Sins...you can't go wrong. Visit the page and start falling in love here. 

4. WTF with Marc Maron

SO I'm cheating and listing this one again because I listen to it every week.

Genre: Interview, comedy. 

What's it about?  Incredibly foul comedian and TV star Marc Maron sits down with celebrities and interviews them for an hour. He does a little "bit" at the beginning of each episode, which is always funny and usually self-deprecating in a disarming way (but if you're short on time, skip it). The interviews are poignant, interesting, and (of course) hilarious. You'll learn lots about your favorite actors, authors, and musicians that you didn't know before. 

What would it be rated? PG-13 or R. And it's not even because the content is mature, it's because Maron has the such a filthy mouth. I mean, the "f" word is part of his title, for the love. 

Where should I start? There are so many good ones here that it's hard to list. Sarah Jessica Parker was just interviewed, hers is great. President Obama was on this podcast and it was brilliant. Louis CK did a two-parter. You can't go wrong. Start listening here. 

5. Fresh Air

Genre: Interview, informational. 

What's it about? Oh, it's just about my favorite freakin' person Terry Gross interviewing newsmakers. She is so brilliant and so smart - lots of people of import are on the show, and lots of people you've never heard of are on the show. Either way, you leave with a deeper understanding of whatever it is she's asking about. And I promise you, you'll love her. This is also #11 on the iTunes podcast chart, so, you know. It's no slouch. 

What would it be rated? G! It's public radio, after all. 

Where should I start? Well, Stephen Colbert was interviewed a couple of days ago and he was fantastic. Start there! He actually made Terry LOL several times, and when the normally-staid-and-professional Terry Gross gets tickled, it's just delightful. 

Happy listening, folks! Play them on your walks, runs, grocery store trips, car rides...podcasts are the very best. 

Fetch or Wretch: CMA Red Carpet.

The biggest night in country music, people! If you haven't already seen it, the best thing to come out of that awards show is this Beyonce/Dixie Chicks performance. If you grew up in the 90's, this will make you get up and dance. Trust. 

I shouldn't have led with that - the rest of this post will be a let-down. 

But, we press on. 

You guys know the drill, so let's just get down to it. BRING ON THE WHITE PEOPLE! 

Fetch. 

 

Nicole Kidman

Okay yes, this is a little too "on-the-nose" literal, but I think she's making it work. The color is beautiful on her, the fit is great, and poor Nicole has had a history of making bad head choices. Her head looks great here! Nicole found her some country music gays to floof up that hair. I'm proud of her. 

Kacey Musgraves

A few things. First of all, I'm probably being blinded by my love for Kacey Musgraves (who is super talented and you should listen to her stuff if you haven't already). Her whole schtick is to wear very "frou-frou" clothes and then sing songs about trailer parks. Traditionally, I loathe pickup skirts or tiered skirts like this, but I think I love it here because it's so exaggerated. She really does look like one of those Barbies shoved in the top of a birthday cake. She also has the best people in town doing her makeup, because she is actually poreless.

My only real complaint is that the bust is too full. It looks like she's trying to smuggle something into the venue in her bodice. Whatcha got in there, girl? Booze? Puppies? A few McDonald's cheeseburgers ('cause I sure would). 

Carrie Underwood, I GUESS. 

Country Music Barbie. My eyes are rolled all the way back in my head. Everything she wears is princess-y and neutral. Don't believe me? 

...right. So. As I was saying. 

Okay, okay, she looks pretty and the dress fits and her head styling looks great. But would some color KILL HER? I think not. 

Gymnasts! 

Laurie Hernandez, Simone Biles, Aly Raisman, Madison Kocian, and Gabby Douglas. 

Of course there are some basic things that could be fixed (don't love the length of Gabby's dress + a train; Laurie Hernandez is underdressed a bit), but overall, I think these ladies look great. They're having fun, they're stepping out - and you know what? They're athletes. They're not red carpet celebrities. So they get a more lenient hand in the judging process. Fetch! Fetch for all! 

Reba

Wouldja just look at 'er? She's so cute! Great job choosing something age-appropriate, flattering, and formal. Her hair and makeup look great - I would cosign on this look any day. Go, Reba!! And she's 61, so, you know. #werk 

...that pretty much does it for the good ones. The bad ones, I'm afraid, are much more worse. 

Wretch. 

Sharon Stone

Number one: Whatcha doin' at the CMA's, Sharon Stone??

Number two: Sharon here, only 3 years younger than Reba, opted for a very different route. Look, girl, we all know your brand is SEXY, but you have to know when to pump the brakes. It looks a little like you were pledging a sorority, got drugged, had half your head shaved in the car, then got shoved out of a limo in this dress. Sharon, do you need help? Blink twice if you're being held here against your will. 

Faith Hill

Ohhhhhhhhhh, Faith. 

It's been a long, slow descent ever since this moment: 

I really don't know what to say about this look because I can't figure out where to start. This is a perfect example of a Franken-dress (copyright Tom and Lorenzo) - it can't figure out what it wants to be. Sparkly! Sleek! Peplum! Shiny! Matte! And speaking of people who look like they're being held against their will...yikes. Faith, go home. Put on a mask. Sink into a bubble bath. Have Tim McGraw give you a shoulder rub. You need a day off. 

Miss America, Savvy Shields

... 

... 

...

Can't wear a pageant dress on the red carpet, Sav. Also, don't look behind you, but your dress is being slowly eaten by another dress. Run away, girl!!! 

Elle King

I AM I, DON QUIXOTE, THE LORD OF LA MANCHA!! 

But seriously. 

I have no idea who this person is, but she obviously slept in her Halloween costume from a few days ago. Part of me wants to give her credit for having the stones to wear this on the red carpet, but the other part of me is too busy recovering from the series of eye-twitches I collapsed into after seeing this combination of fringe and corset. I mean...you do you, sister. But for me, this one's a miss. 

Gretchen Wilson

I seem to remember this woman telling us in no uncertain terms that she "ain't no high class broad," and yet, somehow that still doesn't excuse wearing a t-shirt and leggings (maybe even tights, actually) to a black-tie event. 

Listen, Gretch: if you're invited somewhere thousands of people would kill to be, show a little respect. At the very least, put on some pants. You are officially the wretchest of them all.

That does it, people. May we all go forth and make good style choices. Amen.  

How to Meal Plan in 5 Steps.

Until about three years ago, I had never even heard of meal planning. It wasn't until I did The Whole 30 in 2014 that I became a disciple of this technique, which is absolutely guaranteed to save you time, money, and brain cells. 

The idea behind meal planning is that you carve out 15 minutes at the beginning of your week to (you guessed it!) plan your meals. I used to do one of two things: make multiple trips to the store (time consuming) OR make one trip, but just kind of grab whatever I thought I'd need (expensive and inefficient). By planning meals at the beginning of the week, I save myself hundreds of dollars a year, make my trip short and succinct, and, to my surprise, enjoyable. 

Walk with me.

I start by deciding what I want to make for dinner. This particular week, we're eating in all 5 nights. Other weeks, depending on what we have going on, I may only plan for 3 or 4 nights - it varies. Make it work for you! 

A note: I don't formally plan breakfasts and dinners, but I do include ingredients for what I know we eat every morning (eggs, granola, yogurt, berries) and what Jordan will need for lunch (bread, cheese, apples, etc.) on my list for the week. 

I have a little spiral-bound notebook that I do this in each week. In the top margin, write your name in the upper right-hand corner. 

...that was a reflex from teaching. Sorry. 

1. In the top margin, I write what we'll be eating: 

2. I create my categories. Here are the codes I use:

"P" for produce;
"D" for dairy;
"M" for meat;
"C&B" for canned and boxed;
"H" for household;
"F" for frozen. 

I learned this from a meal-planning service years ago - make your grocery list according to sections of the store *mind = blown*. That way, you aren't running back and forth between aisles because you listed "broccoli" right after "chips" and "eggs." Listing by category allows you to get everything on your list the first time you're in that part of the store - then you can move on! It's a game-changer. 

3. I take a look back at Monday night's dinner. What do I already have in the pantry? I've got several of the ingredients already covered. So - what do I need from the grocery? 

Ignore the "berries" and "grapes" in the "P" section. I got a little carried away. I will not, in fact, put either of those things in my chili. 

4. I'm now ready to move on to Tuesday's dinner. I list what I'll need to get. 

5. Then I complete the process for the week's dinners, also adding in anything "extra" that doesn't have to do with dinner (La Croix, dog food, eggs, etc.). PS - I know eggs are not dairy, but they're in the dairy section. 

That's it! 

Of course, we have some things in the house that will be used for our meals/snacks that aren't on this list since they're already in the pantry/fridge. But that's the beauty of meal planning: you don't buy anything you already have, because you check as you go to see what you need.

Going to the grocery used to be a slog for me. Ever since meal planning came into my life, I take my neat little list, pop in my headphones, listen to a podcast, and enjoy. Everything is laid out for me! It makes the process so. much. more. enjoyable. 

And if we can make the mundane not just tolerable, but enjoyable, then haven't we won? 

So. Do you meal plan? What's your method?? I love learning tricks from people who also do this. 

Happy eating!