We're breaking up. Well, we broke up, I should say. I tried to break up with you two years ago, but then the most recent season got added to Netflix on an afternoon when Jordan was out of town, so I binged you while I painted my nails. I haven't watched you in three weeks because you are mind-rottingly dumb. I'm sorry. Not even Kerry Washington's fabulous outwear could change my mind. It's not me, it's you. DNR - JTI.
Dear Mad Men,
You were the best I ever had. I think about you all the time. Your costumes, your beautiful actors. I saw Joan's mean ex-husband in a show this week and refused to like him because I know who he really is. Please come back. Just one more episode. DNR - JTI.
This season I hated every single one of your major protagonists. They were entitled, annoying, indecisive, rude, inappropriate, helpless, selfish, and narcissistic. But your finale? One of the best episodes of TV I've ever seen. Lena Dunham, you've still got it. I'll be back next season. Good work. DNR - JTI.
Dear 19 Kids and Counting,
I miss you. OBVIOUSLY I don't support The Duggars' anti-gay attitudes, or their arguably anti-feminist attitudes, or any of the other not-so-savory things. And OBVIOUSLY I am repulsed by the wildly creepy Josh Duggar (YIKES - that guy. Yeesh.). But I miss having a show on TV where there was good, solid, old-timey family fun. I miss watching you guys make 45 hashbrown casseroles together and eat them all. I miss watching the girls get ready by using chemically dangerous amounts of Aussie Sprunch Spray. I miss Cousin Amy showing up and scandalizing everyone with her bare kneecaps. You guys were the best. Sorry about your bad luck. DNR - JTI.
Dear Grey's Anatomy,
Back in 2005, I was a sophomore in high school, and you premiered. The show was so good that even my dad watched the first season, which was New York Times acclaimed. Eleven years later, I can't quit you. I just can't. It's too nostalgic for me to quit. I want to. Oh, boy do I want to. But I'll be here until Ellen Pompeo leaves/dies tragically or the show ends - whichever comes first. All the characters that I love, save a few, have died of shark attack/alien invasion/hospital gunman/exploding head (or some other insane event). But I'm holding on with the OG, Meredith Grey. I hate that I love you. DNR - JTI.
Dear The Sopranos,
Jordan and I are going to start watching you because we need a quality show to watch together. I'm sorry I fell asleep during your first episode. It's not an indication of how much I care about you. I was just really, really tired. DNR - JTI.
Dear Narcos and Bloodline,
Season 2. STAT. Get on it. Hurry it up. DNR - JTI.
Dear Saturday Night Live,
The last few episodes have been really awkward and/or bad. Peter Dinklage? An hour full of awkwardness. Russell Crowe? An hour full of bad. (That "Bear me a son!" sketch was particularly cringe-worthy.) And I really had high hopes for Julia Louis-Dreyfus, but there were only a couple of sketches that really made me LOL. One of them wasn't a sketch at all, really - it was Nick Jonas. That guy is just a hoot. ...oh he wasn't trying to be funny while singing? Welp. He was. Turns out he's not that great a performer. Come ON, SNL! You have a great cast. You can do better than this. Been a great season up to this slump, though. DNR - JTI.
Dear Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,
I am yours forever. Please never leave me, because we are two of a kind.