Dear People Who Use Facebook In Place of Going to the Doctor,
I recently saw a status - a status that inspired this entire post, actually - that read, "Doubled over in pain. Uncontrollable stomach cramping for 5 hours. Any ideas??" I do have an idea: go to the emergency room. There, you will find scores of trained professionals who have attended years of schooling to be able to answer just such a question. Conversely, on Facebook, you will find a lot of people who have the same access to WebMD that you do, in addition to a lot of people who believe themselves to be doctors, but are not. If it's attention you're looking for, just go ahead and post a picture of a puppy or baby orangutan or something like that. People LOVE that stuff. I know I'd certainly enjoy it more. DNR - JTI. And go to the doctor.
Dear People Who Are Outraged and/or Disgusted About Something,
It seems to me that in most problems can be solved with a couple of deep breaths and some more information. In many cases, if I'm outraged, I find that it's because I don't have all the facts. Whenever I've done more research, or talked to someone more informed than I am, I usually get a lot cooler-headed and am so thankful I didn't do anything rash, like post something on the Internet, about whatever it was. I know, I know, getting more information and just breathing deeply won't work for everyone. But try it. See how it feels. DNR - JTI.
Dear Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,
Every single video you post is a delight. Melissa McCarthy doing "Colors of the Wind" was a highlight of my week. It even made my husband laugh out loud. Keep doing you. DNR - JTI.
Dear People Who Start Their Posts With, "I usually don't post stuff like this...",
DNR - JTI.
Dear Some of My Former Students Who Post Things That Would Make R. Kelly Blush,
Don't you remember the whole lesson I did on how the Internet is forever?? I am about to private message you with the fire of a thousand suns. You're better than that. DNR - JTI. And then quit it.
Dear Social Media,
Thank you, sincerely, for not being around when I myself was a youth. Livejournal contains plenty of emotionally overwrought entries from 14-year-old me, but the idea that I could have (and would have) posted 1,000 selfies of my awkwardly parted hair and general middle school-ness gives me goosies. Bless the hearts of the children who are coming of age in front of a screen. DNR - JTI.
Dear Every 20 Year Old Girl Posting Pictures of College,
You have no idea how much fun the time you're living in is. Adulthood has its own awesome things, like never having take another final again, getting married, and making money. But after you graduate? You don't get to go to formals once a quarter. No swaps. No fraternity parties in the basement. No getting covered in beer. It's only wedding receptions from here on out, and while those are really fun, it's the only big occasion to dress up anymore. LIVE IT UP, KIDS. DNR - JTI.
Please forgive me for the thousands of Facebook etiquette laws I have inevitably breached. I'm sure lots of you are so glad that there's an "Unfollow" button, though those people probably won't even be reading this post, because, you know...they unfollowed. I am a lot. It's true. I bet you could do a whole DNR - JTI just for me. You guys are great. DNR - JTI.