5 Ways I Know I'm Not 20 Anymore

Getting old is tough, kiddies. There are definitely some perks to being 27 rather than 22, but there are also some downsides.

Let's explore.

1. I wait excitedly for Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy to come on. 

As I've previously mentioned, Jordan and I don't have cable - we use Apple TV/Hulu/Netflix. But we did buy some rabbit ears to get basic cable, so now we can watch all the old people game shows that come on right after the 5 o'clock news. This has now become part of my evening ritual. 

You guys, Alex Trebek is SO MEAN to these people. Seriously, if you haven't watched Jeopardy in a while, I implore you to do so if only to watch Trebek passive aggressively ROAST these folks. It really is something special. Here's an excerpt from a recent episode when he really wouldn't give this poor soul Irene a break: 

After the Jeopardy! round:

Alex: And Irene trailing both of you…by a hefty margin.

Before Double Jeopardy!:

Alex: Despite those scores, it’s not out of reach for Irene.

Before Final Jeopardy!

Alex: Irene – this wasn’t your day, but we’ll start with you.

Damn, Trebek. 

2. When plans get canceled, I am elated. 

Now, don't get me wrong - sometimes I really want to see people and do things. And nobody likes being flaked on - that's not what I'm talking about. I am referring to those times when plans have been tentatively made for a particular day, and on that day, you wake up unsure of what's going to happen. Then you get THE TEXT: "Hey! ________ came up for me - can we do it another night?" 

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce you to my sweatpants and the couch. 

Because that's what's happening when plans get broken. And I love every second of it. When I was 20, I would've been super disappointed and/or angry that I was probably going to miss out on some hilarious great time. These days? Pass the Cape Cod Kettle Chips. Thanks.

3. The sun hates me. 

Oh, ancestors. Couldn't you have been ANYTHING but super, super white?? 

I vividly remember the moment when I saw the first lines on my face. I was doing Teach For America at the time. One of the things you have to perfect as a teacher is a non-verbal warning to a misbehaving student while not missing a step in the lesson you're teaching. Something like this: 

 TFA pays for Botox, right? 

TFA pays for Botox, right? 

Anyway, I'd just gotten back into my car at the end of the day, and I pulled down my visor to check my lipstick in the mirror (I was going somewhere right after to meet some folks for a drink). My car was flooded with natural light, which, as you ladies know, leaves NO flaw unturned. 

It was like three tiny rivers had been running across my forehead for years and left the fossils on my face. TERRIBLE.

When I was 20, I fell asleep with my makeup on. Now, I exfoliate, use a retinoid, a moisturizer, a spot corrector (if necessary), Burt's Bees, and do a mask once a week. I will have no more lines than is absolutely necessary.

I used to be able to galavant all over the place and not worry about the sun giving me additional lines/wrinkles. In high school, I went to the TANNING BED. That's right. Tanning bed. Can't even believe that's still legal. 

Now, I am the person who will be tucked away in the shade at the beach, under an umbrella, with SPF 125. Why? Because my ancestors came from ScotIreEngland, Home of the Vampires. We don't do sun. I've accepted it. 

4. Tons of junk food ruins my life.

There were multiple occasions in college - no one really needs to know how many - that I got out of bed at 11 and went to Waffle House with my buddies. My standard order was: a double order of hashbrowns, double covered; egg and cheese sandwich on white; side of grits and a chocolate chip waffle. 

And I ate every bite.

Recently, Jordan and I went to Huntsville for a wedding. We ate McDonald's for breakfast on the way out of town, had Mexican food at Rosie's for lunch, then, after the reception, swung through McDonald's FOR A SECOND TIME to grab some late night. 

I felt like I had eaten bricks. And I felt like that for a week. 

The first night I met Jordan was at Birmingham-Southern's homecoming event. We met, talked for about 5 hours, and then I convinced him to go with me to grab everyone some late night food. We drove through Wendy's, where I ordered a sack of 7 or 8 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. When we got back to the fraternity house, only 6 were eaten. That left two. 

I ate both.

All this to say, I've prided myself for many years on having something of an iron stomach. My brother is blessed with the same condition. But now? Now, I'm old. I'm washed up. I can't anymore. It's hard, but for the most part, I've had to break up with eating constant junk. 

For anyone who is still 20 and can do this without consequence or weight gain:  

5. Relationship games are a thing of the past.

Oh, relationship games. How much I loved you. How fun you were. 

You guys know what I'm talking about. The, "Will he text me back?" "Do you think he'll ask me out?" "I'm not going to respond for another thirty minutes so he doesn't think I'm too available." "Will you ask his friend to ask him if he's seeing anyone?" 

Yeah. 

I like to think Jordan and I are still keeping the mystery alive. There are definitely certain things that are still private - for example, we are not the couple that continues a conversation while one of us is using the bathroom by leaving the door open - BUT. There are lots of comforting things about being married that don't have anything to do with leaving the bathroom door open.

Here is a random sample of the riveting text exchanges that have happened in the last few weeks, which I think are as far away from "games" or even "interesting" as two people can get:

 Riveting, right? 

Or this: 

Or, how about this? 

Or how about this charming information? 

 Actually can't believe I posted this one, but there ya go. 

Actually can't believe I posted this one, but there ya go. 

Listen - marriage is the best. It is really, really nice to be done with the early 20's portion of my life, when I spent a lot of time wondering who I'd end up with, and instead, actually spend time BEING with that person. Jord is my teammate and I love every second of it (except the occasional day where we want to kill each other). This high-five-from-a-distance gets done a lot in our relationship: 

And it's just what 20-year-old MC dreamed about. 

Have such a happy weekend, friends!