DNR - JTI: To ACTUALLY Kill a Mockingbird

First, let me say, pardon the progress on the blog. I'm in the process of making it a little prettier. Hope you like the changes so far! 

Now, then. 

Dear Mockingbird Outside My Window in College circa 2010,
I honestly didn't know what mockingbirds were, apart of famous Southern literature. I didn't know that the reason you got that name is that you're a world-class imitator. I also didn't know that I hate mockingbirds until you decided to live in the tree outside my window. I hate you. I hate everything you are. I hate that you imitate a car alarm at 5 AM. Don't you know this is COLLEGE?? People are trying to sleep in and skip class. Beat it. DNR - JTI. 

Dear That Same Mockingbird,
Listen, chump. I wish I felt bad about waking up this morning at 4:43, snatching the glass of water from my nightstand, opening my window, and hurling said glass at you. But I don't. The only thing I'm sorry about is that I don't have better aim. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Mockingbird Outside My Window in Eutaw circa 2011,
Listen. I am a first-year teacher. I am trying to teach class every day. I am trying not to die. I am trying to grade lesson plans. You imitating garbage trucks all day, EVERY DAY is driving me to drink. You know what you should imitate? A mute. Or a mime. I'm sure any circus would happily oblige. Please leave and never come back. 

Dear Mockingbird Outside My Window in Homewood circa 2014,
Hi! I'm a newlywed. I'd like to have those adorable Nancy Meyers moments where my husband and I wake up in a room streaming with golden light and then drink coffee in bed while talking about our weekend plans. I can't have that. Do you know why? Because you're out there. Screaming at us. There's no golden light. There's no coffee in bed. There's me waking up with drool dried to my cheek and bags under my eyes so big you could store your groceries in them. BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP. BECAUSE OF YOU. SCREAMING. I feel like Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs. Except my lambs are MOCKINGBIRDS. 

Dear God,
Is this the same bird? Tell me the truth. Is this the same bird at every house? Are you trying to teach me a lesson in patience? Are you trying to show me how trivial my problems are if the biggest hurdle in my life is a mockingbird? I'm sorry I'm so ungrateful. 

Dear Cat Stuck in a Tree circa Two Nights Ago,
Jordan and I were casually sitting on our porch - having a cocktail, playing a card game. Your distressed meows were very concerning to us. We heard them over and over until it became clear that you really needed help. Did you see Jordan descend our porch steps? Did you hear him speaking in dulcet tones to try and coax you down? DID YOU SEE MY HEAD EXPLODE WHEN I REALIZED YOU WEREN'T A CAT, BUT A FREAKING MOCKINGBIRD??????? Did you hear me yell, "Oh HELL NO," so loudly that the neighbors across the street turned and looked? Could you still hear me yelling at you once I was inside? I hope so. Because there were a lot of swear words. You bastard. I could practically hear you laughing from the tree. 

Dear All Mockingbirds Ever,
You have been #1 on my hit list for quite some time, but your friend's cat-imitation antics the other night have pushed things over the edge. You've been protected in nature by the Law of Harper Lee, but NO MORE. I'm rallying everyone against you because I know you're not sweet little songbirds. You are full-sized demons living in tiny little bodies. I bet your heads can spin all the way around. Ms. Lee, God rest her soul, didn't write that book in the age of car alarms and other electronic nuisances. She didn't know what she was saying.