Week 6.

Looks like a lotta boy drama and a lotta makin' out this episode. Strap yourselves in. Let's do this, baby Junior. 

PART I: One-on-one.

  • JoJo has officially reached the point where The Bachelorette fame has gone to her head. She packed up one tiny bag and is probably like "WHO'S GONNA GET THIS OTHER STUFF? Somebody needs to come get my dry cleaning. I'm not carrying that." 
  • Harrison shows up while all the guys are reminiscing about that time James Taylor and Lil' Tyke Alex almost went home. 
  • He tells them there are no more one-on-one roses, but that there are group date roses. He also tells them the first date is a road trip with JoJo, and that all the other suckers have to ride a bus. 
  • ...did anyone else feel like he really rubbed that "bus" part in? 
  • I mean, just look at that face. He loves it. He LOVES his job. 
  • We also learn in this segment (or maybe I learned) that James Taylor is working an arm tattoo. 
  • The Tyke gets the date! Is anyone else shocked that he's still here?? I feel like either Chase or Robby is going home this week, and that the final four are going to be Alex, Jordan, Snake, and James Taylor. 
 ...hilarious. 

...hilarious. 

  • But The Tyke is very whiney, so, you know. Maybe he'll get cut. 
  • This seems like...not the right attitude for him to have.
  • JoJo's clothes have not been my style at all this season, but I am here for that Chanel-esque jacket. I think that's pretty gorgeous. 
  • Meanwhile...
  • This date is very...normal. Like, too casual for a first date. Like, why are you sharing chips out of the bag? Isn't a fairy supposed to be feeding you chips while you gaze at each other in a field? This is not a good Bachelorette date. 
  • THIS WEEK ON "THE GIRLIEST SEASON EVER:"
  • Although I will say it was awesome to see that Snake is not only very good looking, but also has rhythm and can hang in a musical situation. 
  • Some questions and comments about this rap: 
  1. How did this idea come up? Do you think there was a lull in conversation and someone said, "Hey man, let's come up with a rap about Alex?" 
  2. Over under that James Taylor wrote the entire thing. 
  3. Chase's strangely solid beatboxing skills?
  4. How many times did they practice that before they got it right?
  5. Do you think they wrote it down at any point? 
  6. Snake and James Taylor are just so far and beyond my favorites.
  7. If James Taylor goes home and the musical numbers stop, will it be obvious that he was the mastermind? 
  • Meanwhile on the most awkward car ride ever... 
  • Looks like a real blast. 
  • I kind of love these old gauchos. 
  • On second thought, these guys are probably from Central Casting and have never even been to Argentina. 
  • Say what you will about JoJo's brains, but the girl is in ridiculous shape. She is WEARING those suede pants. I want this entire outfit. 
  • Alex, on the other hand...
  • SHE twirled HIM. Oh, no. No no no. 
  • And this...

On the barbecue truck...

  • The girls gossip about whether Alex is coming back with the rose. Jordan reveals that he's a picky eater. I gotta say, if you're a grown man, "Picky Eater" is not really an attractive quality. 

Back on the gaucho date...

  • They really are in the most beautiful setting, good grief. It's gorgeous there. Anyone want to go to Argentina with me? 
  • WHOA. 
  • That was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. WOW. 
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaand #ruined. 

Later, at dinner...

  • The Tyke seems to be feeling more confident than JoJo about their relationship. Now maybe he won't get a rose. 
  • Their relationship is very boring. It's two good looking (but short) people, neither of whom have very much to contribute to the conversation. Is anyone else asleep? 

Back at the hotel...

  • The date card arrives. Jordan gets the one-on-one. I'm just so deeply unimpressed with him. He's so...Jordany. 

  •  
  • ...ew. 

Back on the date...

  • Good GRIEF that was a brutal breakup. He said he loves her and she basically said, "Oh really? Awww...that's sweet. Well I'm not feeling you so SEE YA."  
  • Yeah that was absolutely awful. Geez. 
  • And he has to get in that janky ass pickup truck...poor guy. At least he didn't have to step up very high? ...that was mean. 
  • Oh, please. Get a grip. You didn't like him that much. This is part of the gig. 
  • You know she's basically just waiting until the next time she and Snake can swap spit. 

PART II - Second one-on-one. 

  • You couldn't have ironed your t-shirt there, Rodgers? 
  • So they're wine tasting. 
  • NOPE. They're stomping. Oh my gosh. Is anyone else hoping for this?? 
  • JoJo smearing grape juice all over Jordan's leg was the creepiest thing I've ever seen. If anyone did that to me on a date, I'd be like, "Good joke! Now go home because you got grape all over my leg." 
  • Part of me feels like these two deserve each other. They're both just kind of ding dongs. 
  • EW. They're drinking it?? EW!!!! 
  • Holy gag reflex. I want to vomit. 
  • In a real curveball move, JoJo has installed a hot tub in the winery!! 
  • Just kidding half this season has taken place in a hot tub. 
  • All the other guys think Jordan sucks. (Because he does.) 
  • Also, in case you missed it. They're basically twins, right?? 
 Sorry for the low-res. Apparently Buzzfeed does not have the high standards of this blog. 

Sorry for the low-res. Apparently Buzzfeed does not have the high standards of this blog. 

Back at the hotel...

  • The date card arrives and reveals that Snake is getting the final one-on-one of the week. 
  • The other guys are less than thrilled. 
  • ...can a girl get a plot twist? A fight? Some tears? GETTIN' BORED. 

Meanwhile, on the date...

  • Well TOO DAMN BAD 'cause you're sure as shit not eating on this date. 
  • Genuinely can't understand why anyone would find this haircut attractive. 
  • Um...did you seriously go on TV and trash your MUCH MORE FAMOUS brother?? I feel like that was...a mistake. 
  • Also that Rogue Curl is really just driving me c r a z y. 
  • I feel like Jordan's winning this show. I really do. I think he's takin' it home. 
  • She totally "loves" him too. Whatever that means on this show. 
  • So it'll be Jordan and Snake in the final two. And she's gonna pick Jordan. Don't y'all think?? 

PART III - Group Date. 

  • Why was this so adorable to me? Sweet lil' James Taylor. 
  • Presh. 
  • It's raining, so JoJo organizes a good old fashioned game day. 
  • James Taylor kicks things off by accepting the challenge to "Chubby Bunny" all the fries on a plate. 
  • That's really a waste of perfectly good fries, man. Come on. 
  • Quick story: The first time I met Jordan's family, we made s'mores for dessert. I, like the idiot I am, decided it would be a fun idea to introduce the game Chubby Bunny to them. If you're unfamiliar, Chubby Bunny is a game that involves you putting a marshmallow in your mouth and saying, "Chubby bunny." You keep putting marshmallows in until you are no longer able to say, "Chubby bunny," and be clearly heard by the group. You basically end up drooling like a rabid dog and looking...well, you look like James Taylor does in those photos below. I went first. 

    SO let this be a lesson to you, kiddies: when meeting your future in-laws, stuff your face, talk with your mouth full, and make sure there's a solid line of marshmallow drool hanging out. 
  • Then this happened:
  • ...I'm uncomfortable. 
  • Things got...weird.
  • #neverhaveiever heard a man in his underwear talk so much about his grandmother. 
  • Also, I'm pretty sure you grandmother is going to be more upset with the fact that JoJo was straddling you on a pool table on national television IN WEEK THREE. 
  • Mmhmm. Thought I'd forgotten about that, didn't you, Robert? #elephantsneverforget 
  • Get outta here, there's a Brazilian Bachelor?? 
  • I love it. 
  • SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. Tell me I'm seeing things. 
  • James Taylor calls Robby out for having "wandering eyes." Whether or not it's true, that was kind of brilliant. #sabotage 
  • In JoJo's conversation with Robby, he discusses his most recent relationship. (Side note - wouldn't it be horrible to be the ex-girlfriend of one of these guys and have them trash you all over TV? That wouldn't be ideal.)
  • He also mentions that he just broke up with his girlfriend. I feel like he may have just bought his ticket home.  
  • The JoJo is not impressed. 
  • In Chase's conversation, they have the most uninteresting one yet. 
  • I'm sorry - what?? "I really like you...I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Huh?? How do those two things go together?? 
  • James Taylor basically lays it on the line when he says that they have a sweet and genuine relationship, and while it might not be as physical as other relationships, it's an actual connection. 
  • I don't know you guys, I just love James Taylor to freakin' death. 
  • He is just such a sweet dadgum person. 
  • If she doesn't give James Taylor this rose, she's an idiot. 
  • Then the guys spend a lot of time saying the words "front runner." 
  • JoJo comes in to deliver the boom. James Taylor or bust. 
Screen Shot 2016-07-12 at 8.00.34 AM.png
  • Kill me. This sucks. 

PART IV - One-on-one. 

Is this episode still happening?? 

  • Snake shows up to this date looking...real good. 
  • So Snake basically spends this entire date being a world-beating BADASS. He knows horses, he is a legit farmboy, he hits the skeet every single time - I mean, come on. How could she POSSIBLY be more enamored with anyone than she is with Snake?? 
  • And yet, I still bet she'll choose Jordan at the end. And then it'll be #snakeforBachelor. 
  • I really like him. He is, like all my favorites, #toogoodforthisshow. 

PART V - ROSE CEREMONY. 

  • Who do we think is going home? IT BETTER BE CHASE. She has no connection with Chase! But it'll probably be James Taylor because she just got through telling him that he has all the qualities she'd want in a husband. 
  • ...what is that brown thing on her dress?? I don't get it. 
  • Okay, Snake and Jordan are safe. Oh gah lee my heart is pounding! Poor James Taylor PLEASE DON'T CUT HIM!!!! 
  • DAMN IT JOJO YOU DEMON 
  • WHY
  • WHY
  • WHY
  • This one was rough. Really rough. Not as bad as John Krasinski's, but really bad. 
  • JT, you're also #toogood. Go blossom with someone who deserves you. 

Stay tuned for next week when we get to watch this parade of losers (except Snake) and get to see that JORDAN'S BROTHER HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT. 

Week 5

Jord's comment when he heard Chris Harrison say, "This week, on The Bachelorette," was, "Oh SHIT, this is already on??" 

Yep. 

Also, from here forward, Jordan Scott will be referred to as "Jordy," Jordan Rodgers will be referred to as Jordan. Mmk? Let's not get them confused. One I married, one I wanna kick in the side of the head. 

  • Okay, so it seems this episode is going to focus on Jordan. And I don't have a problem with that, because Jordan finally needs to get blown up on this show. He is clearly a rat demon and impersonating a nice guy
    Think Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh. Not gonna lie, I didn't read it, but our 7th grade class had to make a board game out of that book as a final project and I'm just sayin' I got an A. #alabamapublicschool 
  • JoJo trying to pronounce "Buenos Aires" with the rolled "r" is one of the whitest things I've ever seen. 
  • In a cocktail dress in the middle of the day drinking a...coffee?? 
  • Nope. No. Cocktail dress in the middle of the day drinking tea. Interesting.
  • The fact that Robby has already told her he loves her is so insane. It's like Robby got one look at a pretty girl and basically turned into the emotional equivalent of Bruce from Matilda. He gobbled her right up. 
 "Bruce! BRUCE! BRUCE! BRUCE!!!"

"Bruce! BRUCE! BRUCE! BRUCE!!!"

  • What do you love about her, Robby? Her perfume? Her tight shiny dresses? Her shoe size? That she'll make out with you? I don't really know how you're in a position to love anything beyond a surface-level trait.
  • Harrison comes in and drops a bomb:
  • Do we think it'll be James Taylor?? I can see her doing that to him. He's too nice and sweet for her/this show. 
  • Snake, you're better than wearing your camo pants out and about. You're a legit war veteran. Don't stoop to the level of rednecks in Alabama! 
  • Also, I saw on Instagram earlier this week that Chris Harrison posted this charming photo of several of the guys shooting him the bird: 
  • So, you know. If that changes your opinion of anyone. Also, I wonder what the "B" in "chrisbharrison" stands for. I bet it's "Bachelor." 

PART I: One-on-one.

  • The date card arrives and Robby reads it while also revealing he TOTALLY has a girl's hair tie around his wrist. His hair is not long enough to need to use that. Y'all, what is this season.
  • Wells finally gets the one-on-one and he admits he hasn't kissed her yet. Dude. I wouldn't have done that. I think he realized pretty quickly that it was a huge mistake. 
  • The fact that thousands of us are watching 8 guys sit around and talk about how they casually make out with the same girl is the epitome of #america. 
  • Y'ALL THIS IS SO AWKWARD!! Poor Wells!!! 
  • Legit can't believe Snake straight up asked her if they were going to kiss. That right there is a REAL confident dude. 
  • But also, the #girliestseasonever. 
  • As much as I don't like Lil' Tyke Alex, I do love that he and Snake stood when JoJo left the room. All those other suckers stayed seated. 
  • These two leave for their date and we get to see Wells' kneecaps. Can someone please explain the trend of men having holes in their jeans to me? 'Cause I DON'T GET IT. 
  • Meanwhile, the other guys sit around and talk about how/whether Wells is gonna kiss their girlfriend. #normal
  • #bringbackchad
  • I kind of feel like Wells is going home tonight. 
  • So they show up in this darkened room when suddenly glowing acrobats start appearing. This is pretty MFing unsettling. I think this is one of my nightmares and Chris Harrison incepted me and now I'm living it all over again.
  • Nope. 
  • Nope. 
  • Nope.
  • Okay but seriously what the hell is going on WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON this is Willy Wonka's boat ride isn't it, you bastards?? Only the scariest scene of any childhood movie EVER.
  • Am I in someone's acid trip?? IS IT RAINING? IS IT SNOWING? IS A HURRICANE A'BLOWING?? 
  • Wells, I think I speak on behalf of all straight men everywhere that you're a better man than most to have resisted having your first kiss with a girl in what is essentially a safe-space threesome. You're an American Hero. 
  • So then they get to do some...performance art?? Where Wells gets shot? And JoJo casually just strolls by indifferently?? 
  • The execs at ABC were 1000% on 'shrooms when they came up with this idea

"OH HEY MAN LETS' LIGHT UP PEOPLE IN NEON AND HAVE THEM SWIM IN A SUSPENSION POOL!" 
"YEAH AND LET'S MAKE SURE THE SWIMMERS ARE ALL TOPLESS!" 
"YEAH AND THEN LET'S PUT THEM ON A TREADMILL AND SHOOT AT THEM!!!!!!!!!"
"...dude, Alan. Too Far. LET'S DO IT!"

Back at the hotel...

  • The girls - sorry, GUYS - talk about whether they think Wells will come home. Jordan, the consummate gentleman, says he thinks he ain't comin' back. 
  • But I can barely hear him because his beard is so patchy that it's making my ears bleed. 
  • Hahahahahaha all three of the guys who look really alike and have the same haircut are next to each other. You can't write this, people. This is gold. Short on the sides sides, long on top. 

Back on the date...

  • We watch the slowest, most painstakingly awkward buildup to a first kiss while these two roll around half-naked in the water together. Jesus H. Christ on a cracker this is taking SO LONG and is SO HARD TO WATCH.
  • I'm gonna go ahead and say that all of Well's confidence, and also his balls, just shriveled right back up when she screamed, "WE DID IT!" 
  • They go on their "dinner" date, and it's pretty obvious that while Wells has calmed down a lot, JoJo is just not into it. 
  • He's not gonna get the rose. She's gonna tell him that SHE feels like she's just friends with Wells. Poor lil' guy. They almost killed you in the fireman challenge and now she's gonna axe you. 

Back at the hotel...

  • Hmm. 2x1 between a guy whose named I can't remember, so I'm calling him "Who?" and JTT. I think Who?'s name is Chase. 

Back on the date where no one eats...

  • Wow. And she did dump him. 'Bye Wells. Go be a normal person and don't even go on a show like this again.
  • Class act on the way out. And even did the subtle tear wipe-away. 
  • What kind of guy says something that sweet after being dumped on national television?
  • Jordy "These guys are such douchebags. Poor Wells." Agree, honey. Agree. 
  • I'm sorry, we're supposed to feel emotional watching JoJo talk about her love life over footage of her standing alone in a performance art rainstorm? 'Cause I don't. 
  • #RIPWELLS

PART II: Group date.  

  • So I heard Chad interviewed this morning on an XM radio show (yes, that Chad) and he was asked who he thinks is the best looking guy besides him, and he said Snake. I think I agree. Very good looking, despite his snakiness.
  • JAMES TAYLOR you're actually self-aware! None of these guys are! YOU are the BEST guy!! Don't lose hope. 
  • Especially since this goon is your competition. What a loser. 
  • Cool hat, Jordan. 
  • They do a little goal shooting contest to see who can kiss JoJo. 
  • Good. I'm glad Jordan missed it. 
  • YESSSSS JAMES TAYLOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID IT!!!! AHHHHHHH THAT'S SO AWESOME!! 
  • Jordy thinks that James Taylor will be the next Bachelor since they'll need someone wholesome and sweet after this season. 

After party:

  • Mmmm, I bet I know. 
  • he has her hand between his legs?!?!? GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
  • Y'all I don't know about you, but when I had been on exactly one date with Jordan, I didn't sit with my hand in his lap. 
  • She is literally licking and touching her lips constantly. She wants to have sex right here on this bench. 
  • Not listening to a single word he is saying. Just waiting to make out. 
  • Snake just bought himself a ticket to Sex Island. 
  • Longest kissing montage E V E R. 

Back at the hotel...

  • Who? Is mean. I really don't like him. He also has a douche beard, so, you know, figures. I'm sure she'll keep Who? because he's mean and edgy and, like all the other nice guys, JTTKrasinski will be sent home.

Back at the party where this makeout scene is STILL HAPPENING...

  • If she doesn't end up with Luke, any guy who she picks who sees that makeout scene with Luke is probably gonna be out the door. 
  • TURN BACK, JAMES TAYLOR!
  • RUN AWAY!
  • DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF! 95% of people who talk smack about other contestants go home!! 
  • Oh, gosh, he just started word vomiting. Oh, no. Somebody find him a gag. 
  • She's touching his shoulder to shut him up because she knows he's nervous talking. But she also immediately reassured James Taylor, which tells us that she's also having doubts about Jordan. Which is good. Because he is a NIMH rat.
  • So then of course JoJo pulls Jordan aside and tells him everything James Taylor just said, because why not. 
  • She basically leads with, "James is awesome and I side with him and agree with him so before you even start let me just say I ALREADY DON'T BELIEVE YOU."
  • Jordan reacts...not very well. But I mean, he probably can't get proper circulation to his brain in that woman's jacket he's wearing.
  • Both their hands are on the other person's legs while they're fighting. What?? 
  • So Jordan goes back into the group of guy and cold-shoulders/ices/pouts at them for a full minute. 
  • I'm sorry he's SWILLING HIS WINE LIKE AN ACTUAL CARTOON VILLAIN????
  • Hey, Jordan? I know you're trying to be super-intimidating right now and prove to everyone that you're a hardass, but you're wearing a ladies' coat and pointy grey suede boots. Don't try to flex on anybody when you're dressed like Inigo Montoya's gay brother. 
  • Let me just say this right now: If I EVER saw my boyfriend acting like this on television, that would be the end of the relationship. The way Jordan's handling this would make me dump him the second I saw this footage. CHUMP. Such a chump. 
  • Snake gets the rose because #hormones. 

PART III - Two-on-one.

  • So there's gonna be a tango. Two guys. One girl. DRAMA. 
  • This week on OBVIOUS METAPHORS. 
  • These guys look so weak. They had to do that a billion times where they threw her into the other one's arms. They look like children. That's something I would've done in third grade. The number of screenshots here is not an exaggeration, that's ACTUALLY how many times they did this move.

    Quick story: Once I told my 3rd grade boyfriend that I was going to play this pretend scenario in which I walked along the brick wall at our elementary school playground. BUT the grass was lava. If I touched the grass, he'd have to come save me. I did it like 5 times so he would come "rescue me from the lava." He broke up with me later that year because he said my nose squeaked. AND THAT'S HOW THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. 
  • At the after-party, JTTKrasinski gets emo. 
  • Well that's a new one. 
  • "When we're freakin' sittin' together." JTTKrasinski, you are a wordsmith. 
  • In case anyone is unclear, a douche beard is when a guy shaves his beard along his jawline. And Who? has one. 
  • Who? has no personality and what personality he does have is mean. This should be an easy choice for JoJo, kind of like that time Jordan told me I could either go with him to Home Depot or take a nap. 
  • JoJo expresses concern to Who? about his 100% vanilla personality. 
  • JoJo: "I'm worried you're reserved." 
    Who?: "...but I'm not --" 
    JoJo: "YOU'RE NOT?? OKAY!!!" 
  • So of course, because she's JoJo, she gives assy Who? the rose. I am genuinely sad about this choice. 
  • This is awful. JTTKrasinski deserved that rose 10x over.
  • "GO FIND YOUR FOREVER?!?!?!?!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! SHE DUMPED THIS PRECIOUS ANGEL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
  • POOR THING!!!!
  • DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA IS THE BACKGROUND MUSIC?!?!?!??!?!
  • This is honestly breaking my heart. 
  • This song is adding insult to injury because it's stupid. Do you think the producers just Googled "Songs with the word 'Argentina' in it"? Because that's the only way this song makes any freaking sense. 
  • #JTTKRASINSKIFORBACHELOR
  • It's okay, JTTKrasinski. Don't you worry. You're MUCH too good for this show and YOU WILL FIND YOUR PAM.
 Now I just wanna go watch The Office. 

Now I just wanna go watch The Office. 

PART IV - Rose ceremony. 

  • I think it's either gonna be Alex or James Taylor going home, but I'm not sure that she'll send anyone home. 
  • Jordan's suit is way too small. 
  • Yada yada conversations she's not sending anyone home obviously. 
  • So. Much. Self-tanner. 
  • Most of these guys are repugnant to me at this point. Who?, Jordan, and Robby could all go home and it wouldn't faze me a bit.
  • The only one I care about is Snake. And I kind of feel like he's going to win because they're giving him the least screen time. 
  • And I care about James Taylor. 
  • Also, has no one explained the concept of cocktail attire to these guys? This girl is in a full-on black tie ballgown and two of these knuckleheads are in light-colored suits. I'm going to start a whole separate blog cataloging the (many) fashion faux-pas on this show.
  • Blah blah blah, roses to everyone no one goes home. 
  • Okay but I know I'm grossed out by Robby but him correctly spelling margherita pizza honestly made me want to stand up and cheer. GO NERDS! Now stop grooming yourself Robby, you creepy wax figure. 

Week 4.

I already hate this episode. I already know we're going to spend the first 1/2 on Chad, who has already been dismissed, so his storyline is essentially over. Because JOJO IS SO BORING they have to use every second of Chad they have on film. 

Let's get to work. 

PART I - Return of the Chad. 

  • I just remembered Chad told Lil' Tyke Alex to "have some milk" and it made me die laughing again. 

  • Oh  yeah, and forgot JoJo said, "Beat your ass," repeatedly. #drippingwithclass
  • ...did we hear her say, "I don't think anyone deserves someone like you?" I don't remember that from the last episode. That's pretty freakin' harsh. 
  • Back at the mansion, the guys decide to have a little funeral for Chad by scattering his ashes - - I mean, protein powder. Let's chalk this ceremony up as the third completely wienery thing that has happened next to the song and the coordinated dive. 
  • They're also looping the track of Chad whistling the same tune to make him seem menacing, I guess? 
  • Evan might have pooped in his pants when he saw Chad at that door. 
  • (Poop jokes. That's where we are. That's how far we've fallen.)
  • So then we get into this altercation where Chad tries to explain himself and Jordan tries to empathize. 
  • Wells the philosopher drops this gem. That's some brilliant stuff right there. Is it just me, or does Wells look constantly jaundiced or something? 
  • The minute that Chad said he'd say all those things again, he became exactly who they wanted him to be: a total ass. 
  • Meanwhile, Daniel just focused on eating his mac and cheese. I strongly identify with that impulse. "Don't care what's going on over here, but nobody touch my food." 
  • Chad is getting too comfortable with these guys. Him touching Jordan's head was too far. At the same time, Jordan seems like one of those guys who's going to keep pursuing something until he gets punched in the face, so I don't really have a dog in this fight.  
  • ARE YOU SERIOUS EVAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN CHAD. YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE WIENER IN A ROOM FULLA WIENERS.
  • Anyway, Chad leaves for good and Alex arrives to a hero's welcome. They kept chanting, "Dragon slayer! Dragon slayer!" because this is the girliest season in human history. 
  • Look, he's finally tall. 
  • I predict that now that Chad is gone, we're going to see ugly sides of some of these guys that were getting trumped by Chad. 
  • My predictions for Town Villain are: Jordan, Lil' Tyke Alex, and over-groomed Robby. 

PART II: Rose Ceremony.

But first, OF COURSE CHAD IS GOING TO BACHELOR IN PARADISE. 

  • Kinda love her dress. 
  • Chase thought it would be sexy to put a girl who's in full hair, makeup, a gown, and heels inside one of those giant hamster balls. 
  • OMG YOU GUYS I HAVE BEEN IN ONE OF THOSE BALLS. Oh man. Quick side note: A group of girlfriends and I came across these in a park in Atlanta, so a couple of us paid to get in there and run around. (The other patrons were 7 year olds, just to paint the picture.) Anyway, I thought it was going to be hysterical, and it was, but they are SO hot and at a certain point I got so claustrophobic that I had to get out. I was panicking and running around like a crazed molerat. I thought maybe I could outrun my crippling anxiety about it, but nope. Followed me. 
  • Meanwhile, Chase describes their relationship this way: 
  • ...so Chase isn't the sharpest tool. 
  • I know that it should always be hard to believe that guys can "fall for" a girl within a month, but because this whole show has been devoted to Chad so far, it's even more ridiculous that these guys are saying things like, "I'm really falling for this girl." We've barely gotten to see any interaction between them. 
  • here's also a lot of first kissing that includes tongue. You guys, can we at least not start with the tongue?? I mean, good Lord. We're not animals. 
  • Oh, no. 
  • Okay, let's talk about this poem. Did it have a rhyme scheme?? Let's dissect:

    Her heart is like a treasure (A)
    Her dreams not far away (B) 
    And whenever she decides to hand someone the key (C)
    That man should let her know (D)
    And daily help her see (C)
    The wonder that is her (E)
    The beauty that is she. (C)

    So...nope. No discernable rhyme scheme except sporadically rhyming with the word "key." I mean, I guess if we're being super generous we could say that the first two lines are a couplet? But that's not how couplets work so I'm out. 
     
  • ...I know. I'm a monster and I'm mean. But I'm an English major, I can't help it!!! 
  • Daniel, you're goin' home. 
  • There is SO much tongue happening. Y'all, wow. 
  • I hate Evan.
  • Jordan steals JoJo and, to get his taboo kicks, hardcore makes out with her just around the corner from the rest of the guys. 
  • This is easily the trashiest thing I've ever seen. This is the trashiest season I've ever seen. What kind of respectable guy does that? No one. You're either decent (James Taylor) or gross (Chad). But the most dangerous guys are the guys who APPEAR to be decent and then are gross, like Jordan. 
  • Also, ABC is getting ridiculous with the editing. Before the commercial, they teased this scene to look like Jordan used physical force to make out with JoJo and then said, "Oops," in some kind of evil, rape-y way. That was a little far, I think. But then again, this show knows no bounds. 

Rose Ceremony: 

  • PLEASE SEND EVAN HOME for the love of GOD. 
  • But seriously, is Wells just really tired or what? Dude looks like he needs an IV.

ROSES: Snake (Luke), Jordan, JTT, Robby, Chase, Wells, Vinny the Barber, Grant, James T. and EVAN?!?!?! COME ON COME ON COME ONNNNNNNNNN. 

BYE: James F. (who wrote the poem - I bet it was the lack of rhyme scheme) and Daniel (who gave a very pitiful exit interview about how hot his body is). 

    • During this commercial I'll write a list of things that make me feel the way that I feel when I look at Evan: 
       - If I was on the street and it had just rained and a wet rat ran across my shoe.
      - When I cut my fingernail below the quick.
      - Taking a big gulp of pulp-free OJ but realizing mid-sip that it's high pulp.
      - Watching a GIF of a guy doing a skateboard trick down a stair railing and he falls off and hurts himself.
      - Reaching to grab a fruit except it turns out the fruit is soft and rotten.

PART III - One-on-one. 

  • I wonder if this is the furthest an African American contestant has ever made it. I need to find out what episodes Marquel and Jubes were eliminated. 

    *does some research*

    Okay, so the longest a Black contestant has ever stayed is 5 episodes. So pathetic.
     
  • Jordan gets the one-on-one and all the other guys are super jeal. 
  • I have a couple of complaints about Jordan's overall look: 
  1. Jordan has what I like to call the "douche beard." His beard is shaved along his jawline instead of of along his neckline. 
  2. Jordan shouldn't have a beard because his "beard" is very patchy. 
  3. That hair. 
  • I really don't like this guy. I know that's unpopular. Someone defend Jordan to me. Make me like him more, because I'm sure he's going to go far. 
  • Oh SNAP, the guys got their hands on some contraband. 
  • Okay so quick pop quiz: Are the guys on The Bachelorette allowed to have magazines, books, or cell phones? 

Answer: NO. 

Gold star to all those who knew that because of my podcast last week. 

  • It just occurred to me that the producers planted these magazines. 
  • This is how boring this season is. They PLANTED THOSE MAGAZINES. Holy hot dogs this is ridiculous. They knew that without Chad this show stops being interesting. 
  • ...do guys not know that In Touch is a gossip rag? That means it's not real. 
  • I just asked Jordan (Scott) and he said he wouldn't have known that. So, there ya go. 
  • So this Jordan story about his girlfriend reporting that he's a shady boyfriend is making me pretty wary. Not that he wasn't ALREADY making me feel that way. 
  • SO basically he did to this girl what Ben did to her. He said I love you and talked about marriage, then ghosted her. 
  • #bringbackchad
  • JoJo is SO into Jordan. I bet he's one of the final two. Rose. 

PART IV - Group date. 

  • Y'all I can guarantee you that the producers not only planted this magazine but PAID In Touch to write it. I would seriously bet my life. 
  • I have never in my life been as bored by any season of this show as I am by this season. The amount of drama that they're had to manufacture in order to keep us interested speaks volumes. 
  • So blah blah blah, they present JoJo with the magazine, she goes and makes nicey with the guys, I'm asleep. 
  • Here's another reason I can't stand Jordan: he's an attention-whore. Who does this??? 
  • We get to see about 20 seconds of the guys sand surfing, which actually looks like it would be super fun.
  • James T, I love you. You are so sweet and nice. 
  • At the cocktail party, poor sweet JTT has a little chat with Joje. I think he's so precious and is too good for this smutty show. 
  • Snake loves kissing JoJo. And JoJo REALLY loves mackin' Snake. 
  • I think it's gonna be Snake and Jordan in the final two. 
  • YES JTT!! You deserve that group rose, honey! But now run away and leave. 
  • We get some not-so-pleased reactions from the Tyke. 
  • Turns out the Tyke is kinda hateful. Tiny and hateful? I'll let Buddy say what I'm thinking: 

PART V - One-on-one. 

  • I only feel the need to comment on two things about this date: 
  1. What happened to that dog when they were done using it as a prop? 
  2. That. Bathing suit. 
  • A shark attack would've been way better. 
  • ...did he just say he knows he loves her? After three weeks? 
  • Sure. 

PART VI - ROSE CEREMONY. 

  • List of guys who I actually like: 
    - JTT, Snake, and James Taylor.
    - That's it. 
  • Who I think is going home: 
    - Evan, Grant, and Vinny. 

Okay, here we go. 

Holy cow, I nailed it. Not that it's that hard, all those guys needed to go. 

  • Go home to your kids! Don't do any more reality shows! Ever! 

BYE EVAN! BYE BARBER! BYE SWEET GREG! BYE!!! 

The previews for the rest of the season at least look a little more entertaining that it's been so far, so we've got that to look forward to. But without Chad, let's all be honest, it's just not the same. 

'Til next week,

Week 3: Part II.

So, I always do these recaps first thing on Tuesday morning (like I usually get up at 5 AM to have them done by 8 my time). But tonight - tonight, I'm watching it live. I can't not know what happens with Chad. 

Last episode was practically a Chad-cap. 

Tonight, in preparation, I have decided to start drinking. I feel very good about this decision, as last night's episode was so insanely crude/tense that it's time to just get loose and wild. And I gotsta watch 'cause I gotsta know what happens. I GOTSTA FREAKIN' KNOW. 

Part XVI - Evan tattles on Chad and Harrison tells Chad to make friends. 

  • I already take issue with the portrayal of Chad in this recap. Look, he's not a class act, but he didn't start ANY of this stuff. 
  • The only thing he did wrong was pop off at JoJo for giving the rose to Evan, but then again, DIDN'T WE ALL WANNA DO THAT? 
  • Robby holy HELL you are over-groomed. You look like one of those women who can't stop having cosmetic procedures on their face. When you look like you have a Bump-it, it's time to find the brakes.
  • Everyone was expecting Chad to blow up, weren't they? And he didn't. Totally calm. All he's asking is that people leave him alone. 
  • Evan, you are such a WIENER. 
  • Evan, you owe us hours of our lives back. And stop wearing all those stupid necklaces! And stop scoffing as though you have anything to be indignant about, you butt-faced miscreant (copyright Rory Gilmore). 
  • THANK YOU JAMES TAYLOR FOR SAYING WHAT I WANTED TO SAY. 
  • Would a murderer play with noodles like that? I think not. 
  • JoJo decides to throw a curveball. 
  • "I've decided to cancel the cocktail party because I think I'd rather make the cocktail party sexier, somehow. Sexy is my thing." 
  • They decide to do some water aerobics. 
  • What am I looking at. Why. Why is this happening. Why is every guy is such a loser. 
  • EVAN HAS A NOSEBLEED. OF COURSE HE DOES BECAUSE HE IS SUCH A WIENER. 
  • ^^^^^^^ that might literally be the best line anyone has ever said on this show. Ever. 
  • So everyone proceeds to drink a whole lot which leads to some verrrrrry touchy conversations. These people are much too physically comfortable around each other for having sat down together (ever) 3 times. 
  • Jordan's hair, you guys. Seriously, imagine the process he must go through every morning. He has to blow dry the front part of it back every single day. 
  • Yes, JoJo, Jordan is absolutely too good to be true. 110%. He's a slimy fellow. Normal, respectful guys (like James Taylor) don't expect/encourage a bikini-clad girl they've known for 2 days to sit in their lap/feel her up. That's something that slimy guys do. 
  • I bet Jordan organized that stupid frikkin coordinated swan dive. 
  • Evan. I don't know how else to say it. Honey. LEAVE CHAD ALONE. 
  • Chad and JTT get into it a little bit. 
  • Oh my gosh I figured it out. JTT is a cross between John Krasinski and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
  • Ali is like my favorite guy right now because he keeps his damn mouth shut. 
  • Oh gosh. Chad made a joke about how a guy like him stole JTT's girlfriend and JTT REALLY DID GET CHEATED ON. 
  • But JTT is really smart. Very well-spoken and eloquent. I might like him even more now. 

PART ONE MILLION - ROSE CEREMONY.

  • JoJo loves her some glitter. I like it. 
  • Also, of course Chad is gonna get a rose. 

Roses: James Taylor, Evan, Chase, Grant, JTT, Jordan "The Weasel" Rodgers (cool tie clip by the way), Luke (more like Who???-ke. We haven't heard from him AT ALL in an entire episode.) Robby (ew), Wells, James F., Vinny (despite that haircut), Daniel, Lil' Tyke Alex, Chad (OF COURSE). 

Bye: Christian (NO!!! I LOVED HIM!), Ali (ANOTHER NICE FREAKIN' GUY, SHIT!!!), and Nick (who should go home after that horrible oral sex story which was the most offensive thing BY FAR that happened on last night's episode).

PART THREEVE: One-on-one In a new location.

  • Oh, a giant black bear. Are they on location in my backyard? 
  • And the exotic location IS.....PENNSYLVANIA!!!! 
  • ...wait, what? Why? 
  • Once again, the lamest season full of the most girly guys. They pulled up to this resort in coordinating Jeeps. 
  • Evan describes this resort as "manly" and "rugged." Let's hope the resort is also "fun to be around" and "cool" so that all of those things can rub off on you, dude. 
  • Luke gets the date. I don't know what it is about him, but he scares me to look at. Something about him reminds me of a serpent. 
  • Oh wait - this date is sexual?? There's a hot tub? I'm shocked. 
  • "I really just want to see Luke take his shirt off." DOWN GIRL. If a guy were saying this kind of stuff, we would think he was TRULY disgusting. Every date, she makes a comment on how hot the guys are/how she wants to see someone shirtless. 
  • Wow, I just realized Luke and Jordan have exactly the same haircut. What on earth. These guys all look so alike

 

  • Yeah. Like....everything?  
  • While JoJo and Luke are bumpin' uglies in the hot tub, I'd like to play a game called, "Would Mary Catherine Have Dated This Guy?" 
  • Jordan: Probably, because he makes a good first impression, but all my friends would hate him and I'd eventually hate him, too. 
    Alex: No, and not just because he's too short for me. He's also got a weird temper. 
    Chad: No. 
    JTT: Maybe. Once I realized he's smart. He's also very shy, though, which I don't really do.
    James Taylor: He is almost TOO sweet for me, but I might have. But I like a little edge, so...I don't know. But I LOVE him and want him to win. 
    Chase: Too groomed. Says a lot about what kind of man he is.
    Robby: Absolutely freaking not. He cares about his appearance more than I care about mine.
    Vinny: Not even a shred of a chance.
    Daniel: Never.
    Evan: Don't make me laugh. But he's gay, so he probably would've been in love with me, which is the common trait in easily 1/2 of the men who have loved me.
    Wells: Maybe. He's pretty teeny though. 
    James F: Who? 
    Grant: Jury's out on Grant. I still think he's very sweet, but I have this weird feeling that he's too good to be true. If not, then yes. 
    Luke: Bitch, I might. Ssssssssssss (That's me speaking "snake" to Luke.)

     
  • Oh good heavens, the 2x1 is Alex v. Chad. Stop, y'all. Oh snap, who's going home?? I think Alex is going home. I really think he's too short for her. 
  • Okay so Luke is really sweet and genuine. He'll make it far on this show. 
  • I'm predicting that Luke, James Taylor, and Jordan will do well.
  • They are legit falling in love. That dancing at the bad country show was really sweet. Luke might win this whole enchilada. 

PART ELEVENTEEN: GROUP DATE. 

  • Okay so they're at some stadium somewhere. 
  • They're doing football warm ups. Oh, Jordan, were you a QB? 
  • Doing some drills and James Taylor gets nailed in the head with someone else's head? 
  • Oh. James Taylor. Oh my gosh, your head is a Q-tip. 
  • And he's BACK IN THE GAME! He doesn't care that he looks like a wounded Civil War soldier with all that head-gauze. HELL NO. HE'S IN! 

Back at the mansion...

  • There's a big stupid conversation between Chad and Alex. 

Back on the date...

  • Evan just says he feels dangerous. I, on the other hand, feel like I want to throw up. 
  • EVAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH. You are the Boy George of this football game. 
  • White team blue team yada yada. It's a regular game of touch football. 
  • White team loses. Sorry 'bout ya luck. 
  • Robby and his bump it are disgusting. Putting someone on the pool table to hardcore make out is so gross, but it's JoJo's favorite thing to do, so whatever. She just said, "I feel like there's something in Robby that is going to blow me away." YOU MAKE MY JOB TOO EASY, JOJO. 
  • Poor James Taylor's head. 
  • JoJo keeps telling Jordan that she can't figure him out. Maybe stop hanging on each other for 5 seconds in order to have an adult conversation. Maybe try that. 
  • "I feel like I'm falling for you," he deadpanned, in the most monotone voice I've ever heard. 
  • JoJo, you didn't need Jordan to tell you how he felt about you because you wondered. You needed him to tell you how he felt about you so that you can justify how physical y'all are with each other. Let's be honest. 
  • TRUTH BOMBS 'CAUSE I'M DRINKIN' AND WATCHIN'. 

    The next day, back at the hotel...
     
  • Chad's getting antagonized and then pops off. Yawn. How many times do we have to see this storyline play out? 
  • Also, told you Grant was too good to be true. Stay out of it, Grant.  
  • Chad is saying to Jordan what I want to say to Jordan. But he makes the mistake of threatening Jordan's life, when all he had to do was threaten to muss Jordan's hair. 
  • Chad has to physically babysit this entire crowd just to make sure they stop talking about him. 
  • Is Alex wearing black combat boots, unlaced, with a button up shirt with an open collar? Boo, that does not go. 
  • I hope this date is in the desert and she leaves one of them in the damn dirt. Or leaves them to get eaten by a bear. 
  • Oh, wow. They really are going to get eaten by a bear. 
  • Why is JoJo wearing a little bitch backpack? Why isn't she wearing proper hiking clothes? 
  • JoJo is low-blowing by talking about Chad to Alex instead of talking about Alex to Alex. Further proving the point that this is The Chad Show. But Alex took that bait and is RUNNING WITH IT.
  • JoJo looks like the kind of girl who says, "Beat your ass," and hangs out with people who says, "Beat your ass," a lot. She is just striking me as...how can I put this delicately?...not the classiest girl in the world. 
  • He HAS tried and tried and tried to talk to these guys. I mean, he's gross, but like...
  • Chad menacingly whistling while walking through the woods is reminding me of that Johnny Depp movie Secret Window. Does somebody whistle in that movie? 
  • But I'm sure nothing will actually happen between he and Alex, because ABC is always a lie. They tried to trick us into believing that Chad and Evan got into it because Evan had a bloody nose and Chad punched a door. Editing is the devil. I bet he'll just go sit back down. 
  • AND he does. Just sits down. 
  • Chad is totally trolling Alex. Gah this is the best. This is exchange is excellent. 
  • Chad is saying a bunch of nonsense and tricking Alex into getting riled up. "I don't like milk, DAMMIT! STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MILK!!!!!!" Hysterical. Comedy gold. 
  • "Pigs are in the castle, dude." 
  • Aaaaand Alex gets the rose. That sucks. Poor Chad. I'm sad to see him go. He's easily the most entertaining thing about this show. 
  • Wait I'm sorry - she didn't even say goodbye to him?? What just happened? Did he actually get dumped in the woods and she just walked off making out with Lil' Tyke Alex? I'm dead serious what is going on. She literally left him in the woods. She didn't even hug him? Okay, I'm just gonna say it: she sucks. I don't like her. 

 

The preview for the next episode in two weeks looks like a absolute doozy. Although, as we all know, ABC is a master of lies, so it could easily be the most low-key thing we've ever seen. 

Meet you guys back on the couch. 

Week 3 - Part I.

How do we think this will all work out? What thing will Evan do tonight to reveal to us that he's actually a gay man? Will or won't Chad upset everyone? 

As Alex Trebek would say, "Let's go to work." 

  • We start the episode with all the dudes complaining about - who else?? - Chad. 
  • Robby impressed me by using the words "trounced" and "indicative" in one interview. Well done! But I still hate his hair and beard. 
  • Hey guys, do you think Chad is the villain this season?? I couldn't really pick up on it. 
  • Evan has already started whining about something. I can't.
  • CHAD. Chad may not be someone I'd want to be friends with in real life, but Chad is doing it right. Eating, working out, livin' life, and stirring the pot. You guys might hate him, but I'm #teamchad because he's the only person worth watching on this show, including JoJo. 
  • Chris Harrison rolls in looking like a dad who's going on a blind date. 
  • Chase gets the date. 
  • ...who's Chase?!?! He and Robby look exactly alike.
  • If any men are reading this, please don't replicate this look. The whole "I spent 3 hours on this look even though I appear tousled and rugged" thing is not fooling anyone. 
  • Fat chance that Harrison is cleaning up that TP. He probably did that one shot and then called his personal assistant to come finish the rest. 
  • It says a lot that these got drunk and rolled their own house. I don't think they know how rolling works. 

PART I - One-on-one.

  • Sister, have you SEEN the Bachelorette? They don't get intimate until Sex Island, friend. 
  • So one of my dearest friends is a yogi, and her response to this date was a short but telling "LOL." 
  • We cut back to the mansion to talk some more about Chad. Y'all - this season is The Chad Show. We have seen more of Chad than we have of JoJo so far this episode. 
  • Evan's just hanging out, complaining, watching them work out, makin' jokes about how Chad and The Canadian are gay...
  • The lady doth protest too much, methinks. (Evan. Evan is the lady.) 
  • Meanwhile, back on the date, we get to see these two scream at each other and also watch JoJo mount this guy. 
  • Let's pause here and take a look back at how sex-based all of these dates have been. Fireman fantasy. Check. Hot girl talks about sports. Boner alert. And now, SEX YOGA. 
Screen Shot 2016-06-07 at 7.55.39 AM.png
  • Jordan (my husband, not Jordan "The Weasel" Rodgers) said, "I hope the poor bastard doubled up on his compression shorts." This is awful. That poor guy. 
  • This is so inappropriate. I feel uncomfortable. HER GRANDPARENTS ARE GOING TO WATCH THIS SHOW. COME ON. 
  • I just don't understand how you can have a moment this intense with cameras in the next room. I really don't. 
  • Yeah. This is what every Sunday School teacher ever has called, "TEMPTATION." Ya feel connected because you're having clothes-on sex, Joje. It's not rocket science.
  • This week on FOOD NO ONE EATS. 
  • I hope they at least use plastic food and don't waste real food. Because if I was a cameraperson on this show, I'd be sneaking fries on the side when no one was looking.
  • Chase is sweet. I like him. She does, too. And, as with anyone I like, I will say, "He's too good for this show." 
  • Cool music is playing. Does this mean...A CONCERT IS AROUND THE CORNER?? 
  • Lady Antebellum?? DAMN! Cool! Oh, wait. Hold on. 1/3 of Lady Antebellum. La Ant. 
  • Charles Kelley. I have a big crush on this guy, actually. Before I met Jordan, I once googled, "Is Charles Kelley single?" No, just in case you're wondering. Anyway he's a good singer and that was nice to listen to. 
  • I just realized Charles Kelly looks just like Chase who looks just like Robby. He could slip right into this season and we'd never know. Obviously Chase got a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion...

  • Chad's mad because he has to go on a group date. His major problem is that he's having normal reactions to a situation that is not normal. When you go on this show, you have to buy into the insanity. If you don't, you end up like Chad - saying that going on a date with 12 other guys is ridiculous (it is), but them's the rules. Either shut up about it or move on. 
  • The other guys decide to take Chad to task for expressing this opinion. 
  • OOOOO, BURRRRRRN. *eye roll* 
  • Listen, Jordan, I already didn't like you. But let's have some real talk: you look like you weigh a buck thirty soaking wet. We'll say 140 if you add in the hair product. Don't let your mouth write checks you can't cash, mmkay pumpkin? 
  • Chad is being mean. But to be fair to Chad, he's kind of just defending himself after everybody came for him. 
  • Lil' Tyke Alex (henceforth known as LTA) is really holding his own. 

PART II - Group date.

  • WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. This is disgusting and awful. I am about to go full-tilt Southern-indignant-woman right now. THIS IS SO INAPPROPRIATE and there is no reason for this to be on network television. Can't believe JoJo endorsed this and wanted other guys to think this represented her. 

I will now list my objections to this date: 

  1. Yet another sex date. Except in this one, the "sex" part isn't even subtle. 
  2. I say again, YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE WATCHING THIS. 
  3. How is it cool for her to expect that 100% of these guys are comfortable sharing sex stories? 
  4. Why would you want to hear about someone's sexual relationship with another person before you've even been on a date with them? 
  5. I bet she won't share anything, meaning she's basically hanging all these guys out to dry in front of a crowd and MILLIONS OF AT HOME VIEWERS. If she wants to share, that's cool. But this is below the belt. 
  6. This season is so boring that the entire storyline so far is about Chad and/or sex. Cool, ABC. 
  7. ...I have like 15 other things to say, but I'll stop here. Maybe it's the Southern propriety in me, but this date is really bugging. I think it's awful. 
  • HOW AM I CONSTANTLY AGREEING WITH CHAD?!?!?!?! He just said, "Sex is something that should be between two people." 
  • Evan is like your best friend's little brother who's constantly trying to say cool stuff and hang out with the older kids. EVAN, YOU'RE NOT COOL. STOP TRYING. 
  • Also, the phrase is "The gloves may come off." Not "The MAN gloves may come OUT." UGH I want to box his ears so bad.
  • As far as the stories, Grant's was funny and he's got a good personality. But his pants are way too tight. 
  • I can't and won't elaborate on the fact that Santa told the most vile oral sex story, except to say that it happened and it was V I L E. 
  • So Evan cooks up this brilliant plan (with the help of the producers, no doubt) to get up there and totally annihilate Chad in front of a crowd. 
  • If I was Chad, I would be absolutely. Freaking. Furious. 
  • So I mean obviously Chad shouldn't have yanked Evan around. Duh. But it did look to me like Chad was trying to get out of the aisle and Evan kept pushing in? I don't know. 
  • Yikes. Acting out. The deny kiss. OOF. Goodness this is rough. 
  • This episode has taken a turn. I don't like it when my frothy, silly TV turns into serious TV. Get it together, The Bachelorette. 
  • Can we also talk about why Evan has holes in his jeans?? I'll give you 5 seconds to name a grown man that you know who wears jeans with massive holes in them. 
  • Evan, you are an embarrassment to your country.
  • We then move on to the cocktail party, after finding out that Chad punched a door and that Evan is still trying to make what he did okay. He wasn't okay. Chad's reaction wasn't okay either, but what do you expect when you poke a bear?? 
  • Can we talk about what Jordan's hair looks like wet? I mean how much time does he have to spend blowing that top part of his head dry and styling it perfectly with enough product so that it doesn't fall down? Can we also talk about the one Jordan hair curl that was out of place, and how it was so maddening that I have no idea what he actually said to JoJo?
  • Aaaaaaand now we're back to Evan and Chad. Because this is still The Chad Show. 
  • Dead serious, I think we've spent more time on Chad, STILL, than on JoJo this episode. 
  • When Evan said, "Hey Chad?" I genuinely thought he was going to apologize. I thought he was gonna ask if he could see Chad outside to apologize. Instead, he continued to cause a problem. LIke an actual idiot. 
  • Evan has three kids??? 
  • I can almost guarantee you that Evan has fallen prey to a producer on this show who is trying to create a storyline since this season has been boring so far. Since Chad is the only interesting character, a producer probably cajoled Evan into baiting him over and over. That's why to us, it looks like Evan is looking for trouble. He probably is looking for it, and he's probably getting paid for it under the table by a production assistant. If you think that's a crazy theory, watch UnREAL.
  • Seriously, there's truth to both sides of this argument. Chad is handling himself really poorly (punching walls, acting out while JoJo's talking to other guys, pulling shirts, etc.), BUT. Evan is also unrelentingly pestering him.
 Except replace "Peter" with "Evan." 

Except replace "Peter" with "Evan." 

  • EVAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STOP. He's like a tick on a big animal. He's bothering people and bothering people and he's eventually going to get his head pulled off.
  • I thought Chad asking Evan to please leave him alone was fair and totally fine. Like, if Evan is going to come for Chad in a group, FOR THE SECOND TIME, this is actually the best possible outcome - to be calmly asked to cool it. 
  • LTA somehow, still, has clothes that are too small. I guess that's what happens when you're a yoked guy who's also tiny guy? 
  • Somehow, despite being asked to buzz off, Evan is back. I feel you, Chad. 
  • Did they outfit every guy here with a pair of skinny jeans, a motorcycle jacket, and a bucket of hair grease?? I would bet my life that this ultimatum Evan's offering doesn't work out in his favor. MY LIFE, PEOPLE. 
  • We start this next portion of the episode with a stuffed deer. Because Chad is going to taxidermy Evan. But not if I get there first. 
  • Evan got the rose.
  • Remember when I said I'd stake my life on it? Please just send an assassin to my home. I can't believe this. What's happening right now.
  • Chad, you just sealed your fate. That "Are you serious right now?" outburst just got yo' ass sent home. But what do I know? Evan is, despite his MANY wiener-y qualities, still here. 
  • Guys, guys, guys...y'all are taking this way too seriously. This is a game show where the prize is marriage. By the way, none of this has anything to with JoJo. We have officially been pulled down a reality rabbit hole and now we're watching Chad star on his own show. 
  • Jonathan Taylor Thomas hired a security guard to watch Chad???? YOU GUYS. COME ON. This show just jumped the shark. 

PART III - One-on-one.

  • I am, frankly, exhausted from the last segment, so this is gonna be short and sweet. 
  • James Taylor's suspenders are undone in the back. ...why are ya wearin' those, James? 
  • JoJo, you look like a million dollars. Please go for more great classic looks like this. 
  • I like how we've suddenly swung from the smuttiest segment on any episode of this show in recent history to the most classic, old-school date I've seen in years. 
  • Oh, he can't dance. God bless him. 
  • Man oh man, they really stacked the deck this season. Parade of losers with two decent guys. Wonder who she'll end up with? 
  • Let's just sum this date up by saying that it was adorable, James Taylor is obviously a front-runner, and that he's also the Whitest Guy in America. He sings her a song he wrote for her and she starts crying. James might win this show. 
  • It makes me sad that she said she hasn't felt like this before, because she's being treated well, he's a gentleman, and he's acting like a person with manners. Says a lot about the other guys in her past/present: 
  • ...case in point. 

PART IV - Non-cocktail party. 

  • You're kidding! Evan is going to follow Chris Harrison outside and tattle on Chad? Again? I can't believe it! This is such a plot twist!! What a shock to the system! 
  • I'm not much for violence on TV, but at this point I genuinely want to watch Chad beat Evan up. This is so ridiculous. Evan's ultimatum didn't work, so now he's going to try and get Chad thrown off the show any way he can. Pathetic. 
  • Holy COW. This guy is HUGE. 
  • I can only hope that Chad rips Evan up by his thirty-five necklaces and they both go home. I can't. This is so insane. 

See you guys tomorrow as we conclude Part II of The Chad Show. Maybe JoJo will make more than a ten-minute appearance tonight. 

'Til then,