Looks like a lotta boy drama and a lotta makin' out this episode. Strap yourselves in. Let's do this, baby Junior.
PART I: One-on-one.
- JoJo has officially reached the point where The Bachelorette fame has gone to her head. She packed up one tiny bag and is probably like "WHO'S GONNA GET THIS OTHER STUFF? Somebody needs to come get my dry cleaning. I'm not carrying that."
- Harrison shows up while all the guys are reminiscing about that time James Taylor and Lil' Tyke Alex almost went home.
- He tells them there are no more one-on-one roses, but that there are group date roses. He also tells them the first date is a road trip with JoJo, and that all the other suckers have to ride a bus.
- ...did anyone else feel like he really rubbed that "bus" part in?
- I mean, just look at that face. He loves it. He LOVES his job.
- We also learn in this segment (or maybe I learned) that James Taylor is working an arm tattoo.
- The Tyke gets the date! Is anyone else shocked that he's still here?? I feel like either Chase or Robby is going home this week, and that the final four are going to be Alex, Jordan, Snake, and James Taylor.
- But The Tyke is very whiney, so, you know. Maybe he'll get cut.
- This seems like...not the right attitude for him to have.
- JoJo's clothes have not been my style at all this season, but I am here for that Chanel-esque jacket. I think that's pretty gorgeous.
- This date is very...normal. Like, too casual for a first date. Like, why are you sharing chips out of the bag? Isn't a fairy supposed to be feeding you chips while you gaze at each other in a field? This is not a good Bachelorette date.
- THIS WEEK ON "THE GIRLIEST SEASON EVER:"
- Although I will say it was awesome to see that Snake is not only very good looking, but also has rhythm and can hang in a musical situation.
- Some questions and comments about this rap:
- How did this idea come up? Do you think there was a lull in conversation and someone said, "Hey man, let's come up with a rap about Alex?"
- Over under that James Taylor wrote the entire thing.
- Chase's strangely solid beatboxing skills?
- How many times did they practice that before they got it right?
- Do you think they wrote it down at any point?
- Snake and James Taylor are just so far and beyond my favorites.
- If James Taylor goes home and the musical numbers stop, will it be obvious that he was the mastermind?
- Meanwhile on the most awkward car ride ever...
- Looks like a real blast.
- I kind of love these old gauchos.
- On second thought, these guys are probably from Central Casting and have never even been to Argentina.
- Say what you will about JoJo's brains, but the girl is in ridiculous shape. She is WEARING those suede pants. I want this entire outfit.
- Alex, on the other hand...
- SHE twirled HIM. Oh, no. No no no.
- And this...
On the barbecue truck...
- The girls gossip about whether Alex is coming back with the rose. Jordan reveals that he's a picky eater. I gotta say, if you're a grown man, "Picky Eater" is not really an attractive quality.
Back on the gaucho date...
- They really are in the most beautiful setting, good grief. It's gorgeous there. Anyone want to go to Argentina with me?
- That was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. WOW.
- Aaaaaaaaaaaand #ruined.
Later, at dinner...
- The Tyke seems to be feeling more confident than JoJo about their relationship. Now maybe he won't get a rose.
- Their relationship is very boring. It's two good looking (but short) people, neither of whom have very much to contribute to the conversation. Is anyone else asleep?
Back at the hotel...
- The date card arrives. Jordan gets the one-on-one. I'm just so deeply unimpressed with him. He's so...Jordany.
Back on the date...
- Good GRIEF that was a brutal breakup. He said he loves her and she basically said, "Oh really? Awww...that's sweet. Well I'm not feeling you so SEE YA."
- Yeah that was absolutely awful. Geez.
- And he has to get in that janky ass pickup truck...poor guy. At least he didn't have to step up very high? ...that was mean.
- Oh, please. Get a grip. You didn't like him that much. This is part of the gig.
- You know she's basically just waiting until the next time she and Snake can swap spit.
PART II - Second one-on-one.
- You couldn't have ironed your t-shirt there, Rodgers?
- So they're wine tasting.
- NOPE. They're stomping. Oh my gosh. Is anyone else hoping for this??
- JoJo smearing grape juice all over Jordan's leg was the creepiest thing I've ever seen. If anyone did that to me on a date, I'd be like, "Good joke! Now go home because you got grape all over my leg."
- Part of me feels like these two deserve each other. They're both just kind of ding dongs.
- EW. They're drinking it?? EW!!!!
- Holy gag reflex. I want to vomit.
- In a real curveball move, JoJo has installed a hot tub in the winery!!
- Just kidding half this season has taken place in a hot tub.
- All the other guys think Jordan sucks. (Because he does.)
- Also, in case you missed it. They're basically twins, right??
Back at the hotel...
- The date card arrives and reveals that Snake is getting the final one-on-one of the week.
- The other guys are less than thrilled.
- ...can a girl get a plot twist? A fight? Some tears? GETTIN' BORED.
Meanwhile, on the date...
- Well TOO DAMN BAD 'cause you're sure as shit not eating on this date.
- Genuinely can't understand why anyone would find this haircut attractive.
- Um...did you seriously go on TV and trash your MUCH MORE FAMOUS brother?? I feel like that was...a mistake.
- Also that Rogue Curl is really just driving me c r a z y.
- I feel like Jordan's winning this show. I really do. I think he's takin' it home.
- She totally "loves" him too. Whatever that means on this show.
- So it'll be Jordan and Snake in the final two. And she's gonna pick Jordan. Don't y'all think??
PART III - Group Date.
- Why was this so adorable to me? Sweet lil' James Taylor.
- It's raining, so JoJo organizes a good old fashioned game day.
- James Taylor kicks things off by accepting the challenge to "Chubby Bunny" all the fries on a plate.
- That's really a waste of perfectly good fries, man. Come on.
- Quick story: The first time I met Jordan's family, we made s'mores for dessert. I, like the idiot I am, decided it would be a fun idea to introduce the game Chubby Bunny to them. If you're unfamiliar, Chubby Bunny is a game that involves you putting a marshmallow in your mouth and saying, "Chubby bunny." You keep putting marshmallows in until you are no longer able to say, "Chubby bunny," and be clearly heard by the group. You basically end up drooling like a rabid dog and looking...well, you look like James Taylor does in those photos below. I went first.
SO let this be a lesson to you, kiddies: when meeting your future in-laws, stuff your face, talk with your mouth full, and make sure there's a solid line of marshmallow drool hanging out.
- Then this happened:
- ...I'm uncomfortable.
- Things got...weird.
- #neverhaveiever heard a man in his underwear talk so much about his grandmother.
- Also, I'm pretty sure you grandmother is going to be more upset with the fact that JoJo was straddling you on a pool table on national television IN WEEK THREE.
- Mmhmm. Thought I'd forgotten about that, didn't you, Robert? #elephantsneverforget
- Get outta here, there's a Brazilian Bachelor??
- I love it.
- SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. Tell me I'm seeing things.
- James Taylor calls Robby out for having "wandering eyes." Whether or not it's true, that was kind of brilliant. #sabotage
- In JoJo's conversation with Robby, he discusses his most recent relationship. (Side note - wouldn't it be horrible to be the ex-girlfriend of one of these guys and have them trash you all over TV? That wouldn't be ideal.)
- He also mentions that he just broke up with his girlfriend. I feel like he may have just bought his ticket home.
- The JoJo is not impressed.
- In Chase's conversation, they have the most uninteresting one yet.
- I'm sorry - what?? "I really like you...I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Huh?? How do those two things go together??
- James Taylor basically lays it on the line when he says that they have a sweet and genuine relationship, and while it might not be as physical as other relationships, it's an actual connection.
- I don't know you guys, I just love James Taylor to freakin' death.
- He is just such a sweet dadgum person.
- If she doesn't give James Taylor this rose, she's an idiot.
- Then the guys spend a lot of time saying the words "front runner."
- JoJo comes in to deliver the boom. James Taylor or bust.
- Kill me. This sucks.
PART IV - One-on-one.
Is this episode still happening??
- Snake shows up to this date looking...real good.
- So Snake basically spends this entire date being a world-beating BADASS. He knows horses, he is a legit farmboy, he hits the skeet every single time - I mean, come on. How could she POSSIBLY be more enamored with anyone than she is with Snake??
- And yet, I still bet she'll choose Jordan at the end. And then it'll be #snakeforBachelor.
- I really like him. He is, like all my favorites, #toogoodforthisshow.
PART V - ROSE CEREMONY.
- Who do we think is going home? IT BETTER BE CHASE. She has no connection with Chase! But it'll probably be James Taylor because she just got through telling him that he has all the qualities she'd want in a husband.
- ...what is that brown thing on her dress?? I don't get it.
- Okay, Snake and Jordan are safe. Oh gah lee my heart is pounding! Poor James Taylor PLEASE DON'T CUT HIM!!!!
- DAMN IT JOJO YOU DEMON
- This one was rough. Really rough. Not as bad as John Krasinski's, but really bad.
- JT, you're also #toogood. Go blossom with someone who deserves you.
Stay tuned for next week when we get to watch this parade of losers (except Snake) and get to see that JORDAN'S BROTHER HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT.