Week 3 - Part I.

How do we think this will all work out? What thing will Evan do tonight to reveal to us that he's actually a gay man? Will or won't Chad upset everyone? 

As Alex Trebek would say, "Let's go to work." 

  • We start the episode with all the dudes complaining about - who else?? - Chad. 
  • Robby impressed me by using the words "trounced" and "indicative" in one interview. Well done! But I still hate his hair and beard. 
  • Hey guys, do you think Chad is the villain this season?? I couldn't really pick up on it. 
  • Evan has already started whining about something. I can't.
  • CHAD. Chad may not be someone I'd want to be friends with in real life, but Chad is doing it right. Eating, working out, livin' life, and stirring the pot. You guys might hate him, but I'm #teamchad because he's the only person worth watching on this show, including JoJo. 
  • Chris Harrison rolls in looking like a dad who's going on a blind date. 
  • Chase gets the date. 
  • ...who's Chase?!?! He and Robby look exactly alike.
  • If any men are reading this, please don't replicate this look. The whole "I spent 3 hours on this look even though I appear tousled and rugged" thing is not fooling anyone. 
  • Fat chance that Harrison is cleaning up that TP. He probably did that one shot and then called his personal assistant to come finish the rest. 
  • It says a lot that these got drunk and rolled their own house. I don't think they know how rolling works. 

PART I - One-on-one.

  • Sister, have you SEEN the Bachelorette? They don't get intimate until Sex Island, friend. 
  • So one of my dearest friends is a yogi, and her response to this date was a short but telling "LOL." 
  • We cut back to the mansion to talk some more about Chad. Y'all - this season is The Chad Show. We have seen more of Chad than we have of JoJo so far this episode. 
  • Evan's just hanging out, complaining, watching them work out, makin' jokes about how Chad and The Canadian are gay...
  • The lady doth protest too much, methinks. (Evan. Evan is the lady.) 
  • Meanwhile, back on the date, we get to see these two scream at each other and also watch JoJo mount this guy. 
  • Let's pause here and take a look back at how sex-based all of these dates have been. Fireman fantasy. Check. Hot girl talks about sports. Boner alert. And now, SEX YOGA. 
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  • Jordan (my husband, not Jordan "The Weasel" Rodgers) said, "I hope the poor bastard doubled up on his compression shorts." This is awful. That poor guy. 
  • This is so inappropriate. I feel uncomfortable. HER GRANDPARENTS ARE GOING TO WATCH THIS SHOW. COME ON. 
  • I just don't understand how you can have a moment this intense with cameras in the next room. I really don't. 
  • Yeah. This is what every Sunday School teacher ever has called, "TEMPTATION." Ya feel connected because you're having clothes-on sex, Joje. It's not rocket science.
  • This week on FOOD NO ONE EATS. 
  • I hope they at least use plastic food and don't waste real food. Because if I was a cameraperson on this show, I'd be sneaking fries on the side when no one was looking.
  • Chase is sweet. I like him. She does, too. And, as with anyone I like, I will say, "He's too good for this show." 
  • Cool music is playing. Does this mean...A CONCERT IS AROUND THE CORNER?? 
  • Lady Antebellum?? DAMN! Cool! Oh, wait. Hold on. 1/3 of Lady Antebellum. La Ant. 
  • Charles Kelley. I have a big crush on this guy, actually. Before I met Jordan, I once googled, "Is Charles Kelley single?" No, just in case you're wondering. Anyway he's a good singer and that was nice to listen to. 
  • I just realized Charles Kelly looks just like Chase who looks just like Robby. He could slip right into this season and we'd never know. Obviously Chase got a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion...

  • Chad's mad because he has to go on a group date. His major problem is that he's having normal reactions to a situation that is not normal. When you go on this show, you have to buy into the insanity. If you don't, you end up like Chad - saying that going on a date with 12 other guys is ridiculous (it is), but them's the rules. Either shut up about it or move on. 
  • The other guys decide to take Chad to task for expressing this opinion. 
  • OOOOO, BURRRRRRN. *eye roll* 
  • Listen, Jordan, I already didn't like you. But let's have some real talk: you look like you weigh a buck thirty soaking wet. We'll say 140 if you add in the hair product. Don't let your mouth write checks you can't cash, mmkay pumpkin? 
  • Chad is being mean. But to be fair to Chad, he's kind of just defending himself after everybody came for him. 
  • Lil' Tyke Alex (henceforth known as LTA) is really holding his own. 

PART II - Group date.

  • WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. This is disgusting and awful. I am about to go full-tilt Southern-indignant-woman right now. THIS IS SO INAPPROPRIATE and there is no reason for this to be on network television. Can't believe JoJo endorsed this and wanted other guys to think this represented her. 

I will now list my objections to this date: 

  1. Yet another sex date. Except in this one, the "sex" part isn't even subtle. 
  2. I say again, YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE WATCHING THIS. 
  3. How is it cool for her to expect that 100% of these guys are comfortable sharing sex stories? 
  4. Why would you want to hear about someone's sexual relationship with another person before you've even been on a date with them? 
  5. I bet she won't share anything, meaning she's basically hanging all these guys out to dry in front of a crowd and MILLIONS OF AT HOME VIEWERS. If she wants to share, that's cool. But this is below the belt. 
  6. This season is so boring that the entire storyline so far is about Chad and/or sex. Cool, ABC. 
  7. ...I have like 15 other things to say, but I'll stop here. Maybe it's the Southern propriety in me, but this date is really bugging. I think it's awful. 
  • HOW AM I CONSTANTLY AGREEING WITH CHAD?!?!?!?! He just said, "Sex is something that should be between two people." 
  • Evan is like your best friend's little brother who's constantly trying to say cool stuff and hang out with the older kids. EVAN, YOU'RE NOT COOL. STOP TRYING. 
  • Also, the phrase is "The gloves may come off." Not "The MAN gloves may come OUT." UGH I want to box his ears so bad.
  • As far as the stories, Grant's was funny and he's got a good personality. But his pants are way too tight. 
  • I can't and won't elaborate on the fact that Santa told the most vile oral sex story, except to say that it happened and it was V I L E. 
  • So Evan cooks up this brilliant plan (with the help of the producers, no doubt) to get up there and totally annihilate Chad in front of a crowd. 
  • If I was Chad, I would be absolutely. Freaking. Furious. 
  • So I mean obviously Chad shouldn't have yanked Evan around. Duh. But it did look to me like Chad was trying to get out of the aisle and Evan kept pushing in? I don't know. 
  • Yikes. Acting out. The deny kiss. OOF. Goodness this is rough. 
  • This episode has taken a turn. I don't like it when my frothy, silly TV turns into serious TV. Get it together, The Bachelorette. 
  • Can we also talk about why Evan has holes in his jeans?? I'll give you 5 seconds to name a grown man that you know who wears jeans with massive holes in them. 
  • Evan, you are an embarrassment to your country.
  • We then move on to the cocktail party, after finding out that Chad punched a door and that Evan is still trying to make what he did okay. He wasn't okay. Chad's reaction wasn't okay either, but what do you expect when you poke a bear?? 
  • Can we talk about what Jordan's hair looks like wet? I mean how much time does he have to spend blowing that top part of his head dry and styling it perfectly with enough product so that it doesn't fall down? Can we also talk about the one Jordan hair curl that was out of place, and how it was so maddening that I have no idea what he actually said to JoJo?
  • Aaaaaaand now we're back to Evan and Chad. Because this is still The Chad Show. 
  • Dead serious, I think we've spent more time on Chad, STILL, than on JoJo this episode. 
  • When Evan said, "Hey Chad?" I genuinely thought he was going to apologize. I thought he was gonna ask if he could see Chad outside to apologize. Instead, he continued to cause a problem. LIke an actual idiot. 
  • Evan has three kids??? 
  • I can almost guarantee you that Evan has fallen prey to a producer on this show who is trying to create a storyline since this season has been boring so far. Since Chad is the only interesting character, a producer probably cajoled Evan into baiting him over and over. That's why to us, it looks like Evan is looking for trouble. He probably is looking for it, and he's probably getting paid for it under the table by a production assistant. If you think that's a crazy theory, watch UnREAL.
  • Seriously, there's truth to both sides of this argument. Chad is handling himself really poorly (punching walls, acting out while JoJo's talking to other guys, pulling shirts, etc.), BUT. Evan is also unrelentingly pestering him.
 Except replace "Peter" with "Evan." 

Except replace "Peter" with "Evan." 

  • EVAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STOP. He's like a tick on a big animal. He's bothering people and bothering people and he's eventually going to get his head pulled off.
  • I thought Chad asking Evan to please leave him alone was fair and totally fine. Like, if Evan is going to come for Chad in a group, FOR THE SECOND TIME, this is actually the best possible outcome - to be calmly asked to cool it. 
  • LTA somehow, still, has clothes that are too small. I guess that's what happens when you're a yoked guy who's also tiny guy? 
  • Somehow, despite being asked to buzz off, Evan is back. I feel you, Chad. 
  • Did they outfit every guy here with a pair of skinny jeans, a motorcycle jacket, and a bucket of hair grease?? I would bet my life that this ultimatum Evan's offering doesn't work out in his favor. MY LIFE, PEOPLE. 
  • We start this next portion of the episode with a stuffed deer. Because Chad is going to taxidermy Evan. But not if I get there first. 
  • Evan got the rose.
  • Remember when I said I'd stake my life on it? Please just send an assassin to my home. I can't believe this. What's happening right now.
  • Chad, you just sealed your fate. That "Are you serious right now?" outburst just got yo' ass sent home. But what do I know? Evan is, despite his MANY wiener-y qualities, still here. 
  • Guys, guys, guys...y'all are taking this way too seriously. This is a game show where the prize is marriage. By the way, none of this has anything to with JoJo. We have officially been pulled down a reality rabbit hole and now we're watching Chad star on his own show. 
  • Jonathan Taylor Thomas hired a security guard to watch Chad???? YOU GUYS. COME ON. This show just jumped the shark. 

PART III - One-on-one.

  • I am, frankly, exhausted from the last segment, so this is gonna be short and sweet. 
  • James Taylor's suspenders are undone in the back. ...why are ya wearin' those, James? 
  • JoJo, you look like a million dollars. Please go for more great classic looks like this. 
  • I like how we've suddenly swung from the smuttiest segment on any episode of this show in recent history to the most classic, old-school date I've seen in years. 
  • Oh, he can't dance. God bless him. 
  • Man oh man, they really stacked the deck this season. Parade of losers with two decent guys. Wonder who she'll end up with? 
  • Let's just sum this date up by saying that it was adorable, James Taylor is obviously a front-runner, and that he's also the Whitest Guy in America. He sings her a song he wrote for her and she starts crying. James might win this show. 
  • It makes me sad that she said she hasn't felt like this before, because she's being treated well, he's a gentleman, and he's acting like a person with manners. Says a lot about the other guys in her past/present: 
  • ...case in point. 

PART IV - Non-cocktail party. 

  • You're kidding! Evan is going to follow Chris Harrison outside and tattle on Chad? Again? I can't believe it! This is such a plot twist!! What a shock to the system! 
  • I'm not much for violence on TV, but at this point I genuinely want to watch Chad beat Evan up. This is so ridiculous. Evan's ultimatum didn't work, so now he's going to try and get Chad thrown off the show any way he can. Pathetic. 
  • Holy COW. This guy is HUGE. 
  • I can only hope that Chad rips Evan up by his thirty-five necklaces and they both go home. I can't. This is so insane. 

See you guys tomorrow as we conclude Part II of The Chad Show. Maybe JoJo will make more than a ten-minute appearance tonight. 

'Til then,