Week 2

Welcome to Week 2, or as I like to call it, "Ben Higgins: Extremely Vanilla with a Heart of Gold."

I live-blogged this one as I was watching, so let's waste no time. 

PART I - Group Date

  • Olivia saying, "Kill 'em with your eyes," followed by, "I want to marry Ben Higgins," is concerning. Dude. YOU JUST MET. Find your chill.
  • The fact that they show the date cards "signed" by the bachelor always wears me out. Those things are written by a 22-year-old production assistant who dots her "i's" with hearts. Suspiciously, Chris Harrison will have exactly the same "handwriting" later in the season when the Fantasy Suite cards come out. You are not smooth, ABC. 
  • Too many midriffs on this group date. Put your bellybuttons away.
  • These early group dates kill me. Remember on Chris Soules' season when the girls had a tractor race in their bikinis? Or on Kaitlyn's season when a bunch of testosterone-jacked dudes had to BOX EACH OTHER? So, sure. "Making Ben's volcano explode" falls right in line. 
  • "One of the most attractive things about this date is that I'm really seeing these women putting themselves out there." I bet.
  • Find Indiana and placing it on the map is a challenge I would have 100% failed. I wish I was kidding. Becca, I feel you, honey.
  • Speaking of Becca, watching her eat Ben for lunch at a casual game of HORSE was a highlight.
  • Olivia looks completely different without makeup. Like, different human being. Also...a picture is worth a thousand words, right? 

This is Olivia waiting for the date card. Imagine what she'll look like when she actually gets one.

  • "I'm not crazy, I just need one more minute." Quick anecdote: I had a guy friend in college who went out with a girl a couple times. They stopped seeing each other after a few dates. Just didn't work out. One night, he wakes up and his girl is standing over his bed. Her first words? "I'm not crazy, I just need to talk to you." Lace. Listen to this story. Let it guide you. 
  • JoJo and Ben's kiss was probably the only natural kiss on the group date. I bet she gets the rose.
 Nailed it.

Nailed it.

PART II - One-on-One 

  • There is literally no chance that the production team didn't have to tell Ben who Kevin Hart and Ice Cube are.
 Riiiiiiiiight....

Riiiiiiiiight....

  • Caila (the spelling, y'all...) has the best convertible hair I have ever seen in my life. 
  • ARE YOU READY FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THE BACHELOR? "FOOD NO ONE EATS!" They NEVER, ever eat their dinners. Ever. I have never seen anyone eat their food on a one-on-one. 
  • The fact that freakin' Amos Lee is the musical guest for their date is such a win for ABC and such a low-point in Amos Lee's career. Amos Lee is an actual artist who is real, real talented. What is he doing? 
  • I really like Caila. She's super sweet and genuine. I see her going far. Ben singing the Amos Lee lyrics to her was really cute. I would've said, "Shhh, I'm listening to Amos Lee," but still...sweet. 

PART III - Group Date

  • This is so ridiculous. Dear Jordan, never smell me on a date. Love, your wife. 
  • Dear Ben, you are an idiot for the following reason: 
  • Dear Shushana, ...???
  • 2.42 out of 10. Sorry, Sam, you are a biological mis-match. Your body is incompatible. Goodbye. 
 That sound you just heard would be me leaving the show if I was one of those girls watching.

That sound you just heard would be me leaving the show if I was one of those girls watching.

 That. Face. 

That. Face. 

  • Y'all, having a line to lean in and kiss someone? "Doing the nose-to-nose thing - can we try that again?" BEN. Just kiss her. UGH your lack of game is so hard to watch.
 ...ever.

...ever.

  • This was a stupid move. 
 Great. 

Great. 

  • I wish I could take the time to go through and document all the mis-uses of the English language, like Olivia saying, "rest your laurels," or some chick at the beginning saying, "If I had a list of requirements, he would check off every list." But that's another job for another blogger. 
  • My prediction is that Olivia will make it pretty far - maybe even to hometowns - but her demise is inevitable. Ben's moral compass points due North. No one can corrupt him. 
  • This situation, on the other hand...
  • Don't speak, Ben. Just say no more. Lace, you've sealed your fate. 
  • Like, Who is THIS?? I've never seen her before. 
  • I love his special little treats for each girl. The photo for Lauren B. (AKA total stranger), the first place ribbon for Lauren H., the...WHAT?! Oh my gosh I'm crying. I never cry at this show. He wants to make barrettes for Amanda's DAUGHTERS?! 
 The face of a girl who's fallen in love.

The face of a girl who's fallen in love.

  • People. This guy. I tell you. Precious. Damn. That really just knocked me out. See?! He's so wonderful! Olivia doesn't stand a chance.

PART IV: Rose Ceremony 

ROSES: Olivia, Caila, Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B., Leah, Becca, Rachel (AKA total stranger 2), Lace (UGH undoubtedly placed by the production team), LB (who basically says, "Thanks, but no thanks,") so her rose goes to Jennifer (AKA total stranger part 3), Emily (AKA 1/2 Twin), Jamie, Lauren H., Shushana (AKA Cabbage), Haley (AKA 1/2 Twin), and Amber walk away with roses. 

ELIMINATED: Smelly Sam and the crazy dentist. 

'Til next week, Bachelor Nation. Always remember: NEVER go on this show if you smell sour.