Week 9: Sex Island.

Let's recap the most insane thing on TV: one guy sleeps with three women and somehow totally gets away with it. 

Also, if you haven't read this, you should. 

Let's get started. 

Ben begins this episode by recapping where he stands with all three women. 

1. Caila. 

Pros: Beautiful. Cons: Too smiley.
My thoughts: Caila is one of the women he picks at the end of this episode. I could maybe see her being sent home and JoJo being kept, but I don't know. That's not what my gut says.

2. Lauren.  

Pros: As close as he's ever gotten to "love at first sight." Cons: Wonders if it's too good to be true, hasn't heard her "true feelings" yet. 
My thoughts: Lauren B. is going to win the show. I want him to pick Caila, but it looks pretty clear at this point. 

3. JoJo.

 That's right. Let's all remember that JoJo is the unicorn head girl. 

That's right. Let's all remember that JoJo is the unicorn head girl. 

Pros: He feels "more himself" and "more comfortable" around JoJo than anyone else. Cons: Her family is batshit crazy. 
My thoughts: He's more himself around JoJo because she's "BroJo" - she's the BFF, not the girl you marry. I think she's going home this week. 

Let's rumble. 

PART I - CAILA. 

  • I feel the need to start this recap by saying that my dad is morally opposed to this episode (and this entire show) and, at a wedding we all went to this weekend, I had to hear about how completely ridiculous the premise of Fantasy Suites are...from my dad. AND HE'S RIGHT. 
  • Caila and Ben get paddled around on this bamboo float and make awkward small talk about the amenities. ABC underscores this scene with weird music because they want to make sure we know it's awkward. 
  • They stop at a jerk chicken store in the middle of the jungle. And eat chicken. And drink from coconuts. 
  • Caila tells Ben she's feeling weird and Ben tries to calm her down. But let's all remember (if you read the article I linked earlier) that she should be nervous to say "I love you," because they've known each other for LESS THAN 6 WEEKS at this point. 
  • ...looks like they get over it. 
  • Caila drops the "L" word and then we have to listen to Caila talk about...breath...a lot. ?
 ...huh. Breath talk. 

...huh. Breath talk. 

  • Also, I always forget about this being the episode that we are subjected to SO MUCH TONGUE YECCCCHHH.

CAILA STOP YOUR TOYMAKER DAD IS WATCHING

  • Ben is relieved that Caila was just being weird because she was nervous, and then they receive a date card that "Chris Harrison" "wrote" inviting them to stay in the Sex Island suite. 
  • These women are masters of compartmentalization, because they know as they read this card aloud that their boyfriend is gonna share this EXACT moment with two other people. 
  • BOW CHICKA WOW WOW....
  • ABC is SUPER SUBTLE about foreshadowing their explosive evening with fireworks. I'm rolling my eyes over here, people.  
  • The next morning, we all get treated to the fact that Caila does in fact #wakeuplikethis #flawless.
  • They are giddy and smiley and happy and then Ben bounces to go on his next two sex dates. 
  • Interesting note that we do NOT see him tell Caila he loves her, but we know he says it to two women this week. Doesn't mean he won't say it at some point, but still interesting. 

PART II: LAUREN "THE BEE" B.

  • YA THINK?!?!?!?!!?! 
  • Their date is helping baby sea turtles make it to the ocean! I have actually done this before and it is incredibly adorable. 
  • I recently read some research about why, when humans encounter things that are too cute to handle, we have the impulse to pinch them or smush them or eat them (think about how many times you've seen someone hold a baby and say, "I could just eat you up!") and it's because we literally can't handle all the cuteness, so we want to destroy the thing that is making us so emotionally overloaded. 
  • So basically what I'm saying is I want to destroy Lauren B. 
  • Y'all, bump this show, I want a show about watching baby sea turtles. 
  • Lauren and Ben talk about how they basically think the other person is too wonderful to be real, gag. So much mushy talk. Although it is further solidifying the fact that I think he's gonna pick her. 
  • Evening date. As Lauren contemplates sharing with Ben that she loves him, Lauren and Ben go see a band. They're singing a song I've never heard whose lyrics are "I'm in love with you," over and over. SUPER SUBTLE PART TWO. 
  • Lauren, once again, decides not to tell him. 
  • The Fantasy Suite card arrives and Lauren is ready to ROLL. 
  • HEY DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY'RE AT SANDALS?!!? 
  • Lauren finally works up the courage to tell him she loves him, admitting that she's felt this way for "a long time" (or in human measurements, less than 5 weeks). 
  • Ben's reaction is YET ANOTHER clue that #mybracket #isover because he's gonna pick The Bee and not Caila. 
  • CURVEBALL, you guys. I don't know if I've ever seen a season where The Bachelor actually tells the girls he loves them prior to the finale episode. And CERTAINLY not a moment like this: 
  • Yeah, okay. So let's just skip to the finale episode because #mybracket hurts at this point. 

SEX EVIDENCE. 

  • WAIT. WAIT. This is the second time that the preview showed Ben saying "I love you," to someone and it's to Lauren again. 
  • So it's possible that he doesn't say it to two people, even if he does feel it. This is the second time in the preview for Sex Island that ABC showed him saying it, and they made it seem like it was to two separate people, BUT NO. Same person. Curveball #2. 
  • Ben's gonna pick The Bee, but he has one more burner date with BroJo to complete.

PART III - BROJO. 

  • I'm honestly so uninvested in their relationship. I mean, JoJo is a genuinely nice person (with a crazy family dynamic - pretty sure her dad is who mobsters send their corpses to for disposal -- or maybe I've just been watching too much Breaking Bad), but they're just not in the same place in terms of closeness. Or at least it doesn't feel like that to me. 
  • I really do think he just wants to take her to Pleasuretown, and I think they'll make it there. 
  • They make out under a waterfall and JoJo spills the beans. 
  • Yawn. 
  • WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
  • WHAT?!?!?!?!?! 
  • I'M GOING TO GET MORE COFFEE I CAN'T HANDLE THIS MY LIFE IS OVER 
  • I CAN'T I CAN'T 
  • I really can't. 
  • Now I have to sit here and watch #mybracket go up in smoke. 
  • Y'all I really just can't. 
  • Ugh I GUESS her reaction was really precious (it was). 
  • These are the most genuine relationships I have ever seen on this show, which comes from the fact that Ben is a pretty incredible guy. 
  • BUT. 
  • Y'all, how would you feel if you were one of these girls and watched this whole season back and saw your boyfriend tell another woman he loved her within 24 hours of telling you?! AFTER HE HAD SEX WITH ALL THREE OF YOU?! 
  • ...stop trying to rationalize this show, Mary Catherine. 
  • This is one of my English major pet peeves. The phrase is not "Let's cheers to ______." The phrase is "Let's TOAST to _______." "Cheers!" is what you say when you're clinking glasses. Don't be a redneck and make this mistake.
  • Ben and BroJo talk about how her family is an obstacle, but that they'll get over it, blah blah blah I'm bored. 
  • The coolest part of this whole date is that she caught the cork when it blew out of the champagne bottle. 
  • Of course ya did, Broje. 
  • They're real happy and feelin' real good about themselves and their relationship. 

PART IV: CAILA MARCHES TO HER DEATH.

  • This is actually physically painful. 
  • This is awful. This is making my stomach hurt. I really hope he didn't sleep with this poor girl. But of course he did.
  • If you didn't know this was a breakup, you'd never know it by her face. 
  • She GETS OUT OF THE LIMO, YAAAAAS CAILA. 
  • You can tell that she wants to ask if he slept with the other women, too. But she can't bring herself to do it. 
  • God bless her, she's too smart for this show.
  • Anyone who's going to say, "Well she should've shown this side to Ben! She should've opened up more!" can GO SOMEWHERE. She did open up! She said "I love you," before those other two chicks. 
  • Is this the phone call he makes at the proposal?? If there even IS a phone call. ABC. I'm lookin' at you. 
  • ...why are we even having a rose ceremony? 
  • Ben, let me tell you a little something. You don't have two "true loves." When you have a "true love," it's one person. And it's that person forever, singularly, end of story. 

PART V - UNNECESSARY ROSE CEREMONY.

  • Well, he does. 
  • Why does this feel like an engagement ceremony and not a rose ceremony? 
  • Once again, YA THINK?!?!?! 
  • I don't know what to do or think or say or feel or how to even process this emotionally all I know is CAILA FOR BACHELORETTE.

See you guys next week for Women Tell All. I'm basically in shambles right now and I have to go convince my very anxious dog that everything is okay and I'm just upset about a TV show. It's okay, Tom Hanks. Don't worry.