Women Tell All.

Oh, Women Tell All. You are a usually a throw-away show designed to fill time so that we have to wait one week longer for a finale. You are usually mildly entertaining, if not very interesting. The best thing to come out of a WTA was this: 

...in case you're new to the franchise, that was Shawn "B." Snapchatting last year's Women Tell All, where he saw Kaitlyn for the first time. They're now engaged. So, you know, miracles do happen. 

In terms of loose ends or loose canons, we've got: 

  1. Everybody hates Olivia,
  2. Jubilee's departure,
  3. The twins are kind of evil and will say anything, 
  4. Olivia coming after Amanda being a "teen mom," 
  5. Leah trying to make Lauren "The Bee" B. seem like...a b., 
  6. Caila being rumored to be the next Bachelorette. 

Two bits of housekeeping before we begin. First, a word about that last bullet: IT'S ABOUT TIME. I won't say it again because this Refinery 29 piece said it best, but it is high time that a non-white person serve as the star of one of these things. 

Secondly, there's a theory that Ben only told JoJo he loved her because the production made him. The theory is: producers were pissed and shocked that Ben told Lauren B. that he loves her, and because it was so obvious that Lauren B. is going to be THE girl at the end, the peeps over at The Bachelor were all, "Yeah, no. You're gonna need to tell another one you love her to keep it interesting." For more on that, read this article where it is very convincingly explained. 

Okay. So, here we go. Come along, children, to this wild and twisted ride. 

  • Y'all, Chris Harrison loves his freaking job. 
  • How long do you think we have to wait until Chris Harrison is The Bachelor? Hopefully not much longer. Sweet little divorcée Chris Harrison (one must always use both his names) needs love. 
  • Ben and Chris Harrison go crash a bunch of Bachelor parties and make all the women luv him. 
 This kills me. Standing in an actual sea of women. 

This kills me. Standing in an actual sea of women. 

  • So the women come out, everybody gets cheers, but Amanda and Caila obvi get more cheers than anyone. 
  • Can I just ask, wouldn't you be SO embarrassed to be one of the girls who got sent home early?? If I went home Weeks 1-3, I would just sit quietly at the Women Tell All and hope no one noticed I was there. 
  • We hear about how hot Ben is to start. You guys, Ben is super sweet and chivalrous, he's a wonderful person, but "sexy" isn't one of the first words I'd use to describe him. 
  • Chris Harrison plays the video of all the women backstabbing each other, and we have to watch the women watch themselves. First thing that jumps out to me is the MASSIVE amount of contouring Olivia has done on her nose. 
  • There is a chicken on this show because #ofcoursethereis. I think her name is Sheila? And Sheila is SO over it. 
 Me, too, Chicken. Me, too. 

Me, too, Chicken. Me, too. 

  • They start grilling Leah about going after The Bee, but I'm so uninterested in that because it's a) boring and b) clearly a producer-manipulated storyline. 
  • However, THEN they start going after my girl Jubs., 
  • Jubilee said that none of these girls voiced their complaints directly to her (which I buy) until Amber literally strong-armed her into a confrontation. 
  • Amber and Jami, who are both bi-racial, make a claim that Jubilee said she'd be the first "full black woman" to go the distance on this show. That was kind of a gasp-out-loud moment.
  • I don't have an opinion about Jami (besides that her name is lacking an "e"), but I really don't care for Amber as evidenced in my previous posts.  
  • Jubilee gets kind of emosh over being called out, and Chris Harrison gives her a chance to respond. She owns that she probably did say that, but that she meant it jokingly (It sounds like it was part of a discussion about people being the "token this" or "token that"), that she didn't mean for it to be offensive, but that she gets it and apologized. Like a champ. #teamjubilee
  • Meanwhile, Leah goes ahead and SHOWS HER ASS by yelling at Jami and Amber to "get over" being racially offended. Nobody called for you, Leah. Stay in your lane, honey. Also YOU'RE BEING REALLY INSENSITIVE and your #whiteprivelege is showing. 
jane.gif
  • All is resolved on that matter, then Jubilee gets called down to the hot seat. Oh, Lord. I'm nervous. 
  • This is so classic Chris Harrison. "Ben was taking those steps. Ben was falling for you. I want to talk to you about that. But first, let's watch along as you get your heart broken. Take a look." Chris Harrison, you are a sneaky sunofabitch. 
 Laughing at people's pain since 2002.

Laughing at people's pain since 2002.

HOT SEAT: JUBILEE.

  • So we watch this sad recap of Jubilee's story. I won't re-cap how I felt about her departure, but if you want to read it, it's right here. 
  • Jubilee tells Chris Harrison how she's a chronic "overthinker," which caused her to kind of self-destruct. (Although I still maintain that she didn't do much wrong, but that's fine.) 
  • She also tells Chris Harrison that she just made Sergeant in the Army because she is a legit badass. I love her. I think she's beautiful and has come through so much and I am just so firmly on her team. 
 She owns me. 

She owns me. 

HOT SEAT: LACE.

  • Yawn. 
  • Drunk Lace gets her recap played back of what a drunk ass she was and how drunk she was and drunk. 
  • Chris Harrison is so Chris Harrison. "Sweetie, honey, baby...you think it was the music? You're cute." 
  • Lace admits that being on this show brought out a lout of things in her that she doesn't like, and that she's working on loving herself, but that she's "not there yet." 
  • So, naturally, Chris Harrison asks her if she wants to be on ANOTHER reality dating show, and she says yes. Because that's a normal reaction. 
  • THEN A TOTALLY RANDOM MAN POPS OUT OF THE AUDIENCE WHO HAS LACE'S FACE TATTOOED ON HIS BODY. 
  • That is a real sentence, you guys. This is real. That happened. 
  • Chicken and a tattoo. 
  • Chris Harrison loves his job. 
  • See ya on BIP, Lace. 

HOT SEAT: OLIVIA.

  • I can't focus on anything she's saying because of the nose-contouring.
 SO. MUCH. CONTOURING.

SO. MUCH. CONTOURING.

  • So basically everyone comes at Olivia with the fire of a thousand hells.
  • But don't worry, Leah is here with another Opinion Nobody Asked For (although this time she is definitely right because the twins and Amber were HEINOUS to Olivia). 
  • Jennifer zings her with the "talk smart things" disaster of a comment she made to Ben: 
  • Ugh the Twins just keep going and going like the worst Energizer battery of all time. This is about to sound really anti-feminist, but listening to unintelligent women screech at each other might be one of my least favorite sounds, as featured in this GIF from the classic film Jaws.
  • Speaking of Jaws, I would for sure rather be doing this than listening to Emily and Haley yap about whatever will get them the most screen time: 
 Spoiler alert, I guess. But I mean, if you haven't seen Jaws at this point...I don't know what to do with you. 

Spoiler alert, I guess. But I mean, if you haven't seen Jaws at this point...I don't know what to do with you. 

  • Meanwhile, this chicken is stealing the show. 
  • Olivia tries to pawn that she was severely bullied as a child, which, while it might be true, doesn't make up for the fact that she was pretty unkind and heartless a lot of this season. 
  • ...but her actions don't excuse the Wondertwins being horrible to her about her body, so, you know. Everybody wins. Everybody loses? We all lose? We're all losers for watching this? What?? 
  • CHRIIIIIIISSSSSS Harrison will say anything to make someone cry. 
  • AND SAY WHAT, OLIVIA? WHAT SPECIFICALLY DO THEY SAY TO YOU TO UPSET YOU?? 
  • Anyway, blah blah blah Olivia apologizes to Amanda and everything's fine and she leaves and is handed the ultimate insult by NOT invited to BIP. So there. 

HOT SEAT: CAILA.

  • HOW did I forget to mention Ben An Officer And A Gentleman-ing Caila out of her dad's warehouse when it happened?? 
 So adorable. 

So adorable. 

  • Caila continues to be the complete class act that she is by answering Chris Harrison's questions without getting her hands dirty. 
  • Ugh CAILA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. You are a precious, beautiful fairy princess and if you aren't offered The Bachelorette I'll burn this place to the ground. But I also hope you don't take it because you're too good for this show. 
  • Nothing else controversial happens this segment, just Caila being her wonderful confection of a self.

HOT SEAT: BEN. 

  • Ben shows up having still not shaved his face for national television, per usual. 
  • Although I'm starting to suspect that he's one of those guys who shaves and 10 minutes later has a 5 o'clock shadow. Look at this picture. They HAVE to. I've never once seen him look that clean-shaven. 
 PHOTOSHOP YOU DEMON

PHOTOSHOP YOU DEMON

  •  But they should just leave it in because it bothers people like me. Stop photoshopping out Ben's weirdly fast-growing facial hair. LET HIM BE A CHIA PET. 
 Teddy Bear, Puppy, Kitten, Ram, Bull, Tree, BEN HIGGINS. 

Teddy Bear, Puppy, Kitten, Ram, Bull, Tree, BEN HIGGINS. 

  • Chris Harrison opens by allowing Ben to address Caila. 
 She's contractually obligated to, but okay, sure. 

She's contractually obligated to, but okay, sure. 

  • Caila basically asks him if she confused him too much, and he said...something that didn't really answer the question, but that's okay, because they're just not made for each other and Caila needs to go marry someone else. 
  • Then LEAH, Queen of Unsolicited Comments, pipes up. 
 ...come on. Please stop. We don't care about your storyline.

...come on. Please stop. We don't care about your storyline.

  • Jubilee CALLS. HIM. OUT. She basically says that she watched all season while Ben continued to work at relationships where the women were "pulling away," and when it came to her, he bailed instead. 
  • I think his answer is a good one - that he'd tried, and he felt like he couldn't get through to her. 
  • They end on good terms by Jubilee explaining that she felt blamed for their lack of connection, and Ben reassuring her that it was just a wrong fit - both of their "faults," equally. 
  • Good. Good for Ben and good for JuJuBee. 

We're going to a commercial break and Chris Harrison is freakin' me out with this "very important question" for Ben...

  • Okay we're back. Why is my heart racing? 
  • UGH first we have to hear from Olivia I don't care blah blah blah moving on. 
  • Precious Amanda is still precious. 
 The chicken is still with us.

The chicken is still with us.

  • COME ON WITH THIS HUGE QUESTION CHRIS HARRISON. 
  • ...are you kidding me? Which one twin is which?? Go jump in a fire. 
  • NEVER TRUST CHRIS HARRISON. Why do I always forget this?? 
  • Apparently the preview for the finale is really great, so I'm very excited and I'm just going to rapid fire some thoughts as watch this together.

Okay they're in a beautiful location obviously both women are telling him they love him again and UGH he definitely only loves The Bee poor JoJo she's going to get her heart broken so intensely. HE KEEPS SAYING I LOVE YOU this is so unprecedented. He does not love JoJo STOP SAYING IT. Ben's parents are confused about why he loves two women they're like, "Yeah that's not real." His mom called it disturbing YAAAAAS. Oh no the music changed why is everything bad. The Bee is crying! DON'T MAKE THE BEE CRY! Ugh does he tell them that he loves the other person?? "I need something from you??" "I'm sitting here on a bathroom floor...I LOVE YOU?!" Oh my gosh THIS IS SO DRAMATIC HE TELLS JOJO HE LOVES THE BEE oh my gosh. He's cryin' over the ring omg omg OMG. 

Okay. Phew. 

So real quick before we go - my theory is that the person he calls on the phone is his mom. He doesn't call a girl. He calls his mommy to tell her who he's gonna propose to. 

OKAY so see ya next week HOLY CRAP. Recap will be up on Tuesday morning.