Well, people, it's over. Season 20 of The Bachelor is in the books, and I for one am both relieved and sad to see it go.
I'm happy for Ben and Lauren, but really I'm most happy for myself, because #icalledit and #mybracket. I had Caila winning, but Lauren B. was my #2, so I'm feeling pret-ty pret-ty good about that (hey Larry David!).
If you followed along with me on Twitter last night, I apologize in advance, because I am totally about to recycle some jokes. I'm not funny enough to come up with two separate sets.
Sadly, Hulu has not posted the finale online yet (WHY?!?!?) so I'm not able to screengrab like I normally would. But that's okay, because we all saw it. Let's quick-and-dirty this business.
- We kick off with Harrison trying to convince us that Ben is going to get married on the after-show. Um, okay, Chris. Sure thing. Good thing you're not going to beat that joke to death OH WAIT YOU ARE.
- Both families are standing by on the live set just in case their daughter gets married on national TV. Meaning one of those families is there live when their daughter gets dumped on national TV.
- My friend Greg pointed out that if you paid attention, it was already obvious: JoJo's parents looked like they wanted to stab their eyeballs out, and Lauren's entire family was there basically bursting with excitement.
- What do you think Lauren's dad thought as he sat there and watched an entire episode of what he already knows is his soon-to-be son in law making out with/telling another girl he loves her? Gotta be a proud moment as a father.
- They also have Ben's hometown pastor on standby. This guy is an embarrassment to anyone of the cloth. He took their blood money to fly to LA and be on The Bachelor. What's the clerical equivalent of disbarred? Because that should happen.
- We then get to watch Ben's family meet both women. Ben's dad seems like an incredibly nice lady (I meant lady), while Ben's mom is busting balls and breaking hearts.
- I simply cannot deal with Lauren's vocal fry and upspeak. Everything she says sounds like a question? Her voice sounds like the oldest, rustiest door in the entire world opening at the speed of tectonic plates shifting. It's TORTUROUS.
- Ben's parents are politely nonplussed by The Bee, but totally obsessed with JoJo. Probably because JoJo is falling all over herself with charming awkward sincerity to tell them how in love with Ben she is.
- Somebody makes a joke about "too much cuddle time," which really means "too much sexy time," which really made me feel like I wanted to crawl into a wormhole and go back in time before I knew what this show was.
- At this point there was a tornado warning in my area. Probably God's wrath at ABC.
- We hear Ben talk about how he's just not sure "what life would look like with Lauren" because "they haven't faced any challenges together;" whereas he and JoJO have been through some "rough things."
- We move to the individual date portion of the program, where he appears to be less into Lauren (less smiley, less enthusiastic). My theory about that was that he's more emotionally guarded with Lauren because he loves and respects her more, whereas he feels comfortable opening up completely to JoJo even if it risks breaking her heart. The stakes are just lower in that relationship.
- Their date is super generic and plain, so I'm skipping it. Just like ABC did. I feel like Lauren got maybe 4 cumulative minutes of air time last night.
- On JoJo's date, things really get hairy.
- Also, SO MANY JEAN SHORTS. Can we not?? They're practically pornographic.
- JoJo makes the classic and fatal error of asking too many questions.
- JoJo ends up on the bathroom floor with Ben behind closed doors, begging him to give her some sort of answer or clarity to hold onto, at which point he drops the bomb that he's also told Lauren he loves her.
- This was where Lauren had it all tied up for me. Ben confessing that he loves her to JoJo told me it was going to be The Bee.
- Being on the bathroom floor is supposed to be as bad as it gets. That assumes you are already at your lowest point. The fact that he found a way to make that situation worse is really impressive.
- One of the things that REALLY bugged last night was that Ben was casually dropping, "Love you!"'s on his way out the door to both these women, like they'd been saying "I love you," for years. YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT, BEN.
- I don't think you can be in love with two people at once. I think he thinks he was, but it's really just not possible. And by testing out those feelings out loud, he kind of ruined JoJo's life.
- We watch Ben meet up with Neil Lane, who has never looked more like a whispering serial killer, to pick out yet another giant stone in a diamond halo and pave band. THANKS FOR THE ORIGINALITY ABC.
- I really do believe the reason the halo setting came back into popularity is 1/2 because of this show.
- Ben admits to Neil that he actually doesn't even know who he's choosing a ring for. I mean, totally normal. Every guy's been through that, right?
- Finally he chooses a...very...tasteful...square cut diamond...okay I hated it. I really did. And to be honest, the only time my certainty wavered was when I saw that ring. I can't believe he thought that looked like Lauren. That is totally a BroJo ring.
- Both women get ready, and I have to say, JoJo's spray tan is SCREAMING at us at this point. Layered with that pale pink gown, it's basically like handing her a black light.
- Lauren's dress is pretty, but a skosh too tight for my taste. Just in case anyone cared.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY.
- ABC really missed an opportunity to make this the best of all time:
- If only.
- So JoJo is the first out of the helicopter, which always means that she's the one who's going home.
- I'll tell you - in all my years of hate-watching this show, I have never seen it come down to two more quality people. Both Lauren and JoJo are great, smart, beautiful women. Which made it that much harder to watch JoJo get brutally dumped.
- ...which she did.
- Ben went ahead and let JoJo tell him absolutely everything she's ever felt about him in her entire lifetime before he started talking. It was truly painful and really kind of dirty of him.
- There was nothing quick or painless about that breakup. Between JoJo's long speech and Ben's incredibly harsh delivery, that was one of the most truly horrific breakups I've ever seen on this show.
- THIS is why you don't say "I love you," to anyone. Because if you say it to one woman, you've already spoiled the ending. If you say it to both women, you've ruined someone's life, because to one of them, you're telling a lie.
- JP Rosenbaum, a former finalist and current husband of Bachelorette Ashley Hebert, tweeted this gem:
- SO true!! How have I never realized this before?!
- JoJo calls Ben out as much as she can in the midst of being dumped with the tact of a wild animal. She handles herself well, but doesn't let him feel too good about himself, which I respect.
- I really didn't expect America to fall so in love with JoJo. I was really surprised to see so much of the Twitter world rooting for her.
- SO WHO DOES BEN CALL ON THE PHONE? Welp, it's Lauren's dad. Proving once again that you can never, EVER trust ABC, because the first time they teased that phone call, there was a woman on the other end.
- Would've loved it if he'd spoken to both her parents and not just the dad because #patriarchy, but I love that he called. So thoughtful and precious.
- His little air punch and 'WOOOO!' after he hung up with Lauren's dad was actually adorable.
- And the whole proposal, top to bottom, was charming, genuine, and lovely. These two crazy kids love each other for real.
- I wonder how much ABC paid Ben and Lauren to say, "You're my person!" Because "you're my person" came from ABC's Grey's Anatomy. Trick. Triiiiicky.
- Also, "You're my person," was coined about a female friendship. So, you know, it's been totally bastardized by romantic relationships. But that's fine. THAT'S FINE.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE.
- There's not too much to say here, so we'll just hit the highlights:
- If Harrison tried one more time to convince me that this "pastor" was going to marry Lauren and Ben on TV, my eyeballs were going to start spontaneously bleeding. This was the most ridiculous and exhausting bit I have ever seen.
- JoJo comes out and is very civil. She also looks completely gorgeous, while Ben is losing all the color in his face form nervousness and looks like a corpse. She handled herself really well, except that she was wearing a really awkward dress.
- Harrison gets up and punks because JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE which made me want to set my hair on fire. Not because I don't like Joje, but because Caila was clearly so deserving. BUT. What I think that means is that they offered it to Caila and she turned it down. Let me turn it over to myself here, from two weeks ago:
- ...and she is too good for this show.
- The Bee finally comes out wearing a dress that she looks naked underneath. She is also LOVING her hair and keeps tossing it over her shoulder.
- They make googly eyes at each other until Harrison actually beats the damn horse to death and insists that Ben make a decision about whether or not he's gonna get married right then, to which he basically responds, "Oh, were you serious? No, dude."
- Instead, he awkwardly re-proposes in front of Lauren's family?? ...so weird, Ben. SO weird.
And that, ladies and germs, is the ballgame. It has been a pleasure walking through this season with you, if also a moral corruption. Of all the Bachelors, though, I have to hand it to Ben - he was a pretty fantastic one. Probably my favorite. Although if my dad were sitting here, he'd say, "He slept with three women in three days!! How can you say he's a good guy?!" It's Bachelor rules, Dad. It's not real-world rules.
We'll see whether JoJo's season of The Bachelorette feels like it's worth Bach-capping, but for now, let's all savor this moment when our Mondays are free from guilt and go bathe our eyeballs in a stream of acid to cleanse them from all we've seen.
Most importantly, remember this, children:
She who wears a unicorn head, loses.