Contestant rundown. — deep hunger, deep gladness.

Let's just get down to business, shall we? In case you want to follow along, let me cite my source.

Alex is 25. TWENTY. FIVE. These people are looking for their spouses at 25. I mean, so was I...25 just seems so young all of a sudden. Anyway, Alex is a marine. He has tattoos. He's also 5'7''. He looks manic and I don't like it.

Ali here is 27. He's a bartender. He is 5'8''. He listed Midnight in Paris as one of his favorite movies, which would have made him my favorite if he wasn't such a liar. His other choices were Her and Dumb and Dumber. Ali, no one lists all three of those movies together. Dumb and Dumber was your only real answer. To get the other two you asked your college-age sister who's majoring in film studies.

I have to be honest and tell you guys that initially I just skipped this picture because vampire Brandon doesn't do it for me. But then I saw that he'd listed "Hipster" as his occupation, so I had to keep reading. He, too, listed Her as one of his top three favorite movies. Is ScarJo getting a cut of this or something?? Did Joaquin Phoenix call all these guys while on some crazy crack bender and threaten to stab them all to death unless they mentioned one of his movies? Brandon, you're awful. You look like the kind of guy who's proud of his Adam's apple.

I had such high hopes for Chad. He's well over 6 feet. His jaw is very square and attractive. And THEN I read his bio. Chad, it turns out, is...very Chad. Chad made three "alright, alright, alright," McConaughey references in here. They were, and this is not an exaggeration, all included in the exact same response: "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright." The questions to which that was the answer? "Who do you admire most?" "Who would you trade lives with?" and "Who would you like to have lunch with?" Also, this guy is from Tulsa and is being billed as this season's villain.

Snore.

Christian, you look like a nice guy. Forget what I said about v-necks. You're making it work. Now I'm realizing what I was missing before. I really like that you listed "spoiling my grandchildren" as one of your bucket list items. Sadly, we probably won't get to know you very well unless you have a horribly tragic backstory, because this show is pretty racist and people of color never advance to the finals. I also notice you said you don't like women who are "high-maintenance and snobby." Buddy, I have to break it to you - JoJo lives in a McMansion in a VERY wealthy neighborhood in Dallas. She ain't your type.

Oh, Coley. Coley, Coley, Coley. Just go on home, now. Just go on home. You listed "Visit every US State" and "see the 7 wonders of the world" as life goals. Coley, those are the sweetest and most earnest goals I've ever heard. You're going to get crushed on this show. For all our sake, don't get out of the limo.

Okay, Derek. I see you. I like you. You look vaguely like Jonathan Taylor Thomas. You're a banker, you're over 6', you listed Star Wars and Field of Dreams as some of your favorite movies (though Star Wars isn't a movie, bro), and you said something smart in your bio. You're on my shortlist. You also seem like you could be very boring.

Daniel for sure shaves his chest. Daniel referred to his body as a "lambo," (that's right, a lowercase version of the nickname proper noun, Lamborghini) not once, but TWICE in his interview. Daniel says his biggest fear is that his girlfriend will "embarrass him at a restaurant." He lists "experienced" as an adjective that best describes him (bold, right?). Daniel deserves for a couple of people to play baseball with his head. NEXT.

Small-town evangelical preacher who thinks no one knows he's gay NEXT.

THAT is a square chin. Goodness gracious. I mean seriously, that's like an actual square. So listen, Grant is problematic for a couple of reasons: one, he hated on Harry Potter, and two, he listed "being a field agent for the FBI" as a dream career. Quick story: once, I brought a guy I was dating to dinner at my parents' house. When my dad asked him what his plans were after college, he expressed interest in three careers in totally different fields. After that dinner, the guy was henceforth known as "The Astronaut" by my dad, who said it was just as likely he'd be one of those as any of the other three things he'd listed.

Grant = The Astronaut.

I happen to think that being a landscape architect is very cool. And it empirically IS very cool when some of his fellow contestants listed "hipster" as their actual occupation. But this is another guy who looks so sweet and eager and is probably going to get mercilessly flattened on this show. The finale will cut to a shot of Jake wielding a half-drunk bottle of tequila and cursing Chris Harrison for ruining his life.

I think this guy is the oldest of the lot. He's 34, has a good list of best qualities, mentions the Bible (the first so far to make a religious reference), but also has some tattoos he's having lasered off. WHATCHA GOT TO HIDE THERE, JIM? He also listed Les Miserables as one of his favorite movies - which one?? Uma or Anne? Liam Neeson or Hugh Jackman?? I NEED TO KNOW. I bet it's the one that came out in 2012. Sellout.

I really just can't with this guy. He looks like he's made of silly putty. NEXT.

No way. No. Way. He's also a singer-songwriter. He's also got the American flag and a bald eagle tattooed on his arm. James Taylor, go home. You're drunk.

Really, really unsure about that shirt, man. You have French cuffs on a short sleeved shirt?? Is it a button up that's actually made out of jersey?! What could possibly be the point of a shirt with that design? Are you going to a cocktail party then ripping off your suit jacket to race to a hot dog eating contest? Or maybe you have a job interview followed by a Buddy Holly impersonation? And I know you meant well, but your answer to "Who would you like to trade lives with?" being "A very poor person from a third-world country so I could see what it's like," ...oof. Mis-step. Mis-step with the shirt, too, in case that was unclear. Also, he's the guy in the kilt in the big picture above. Meaning he is going to really confuse me.

Oooooo, I want to like you. I want to so bad. Your name is Jordan, so I want to. You gave a great interview. But...something is holding me back. It could be the "I pooted," look or the entire case of hair product you used before this photo was taken.

...didn't we already see this guy?? All these white guys with a strong jaw and over-waxed hair are starting to melt into each other in my head. I feel like this guy doesn't eat very often.

This is an open judgment, but he looks a guy with an anger problem. Something about his half-smile paired with his bio which says things like, "I've never received a romantic gift...and I'm not sure why," leads me to believe that he is going to be one of the emotional trainwrecks and will probably bully JoJo in some way. I'm also 99% positive that this is the guy who's dressed as Santa in the cast photo above, so...WHOLE buncha issues there.

HOWDY DOODY! I LOVE YOUR WORK! Or, Ryan Seacrest's younger brother. Nick Seacrest. I mean obviously I can't really even talk about the bandada open collar short sleeved polo combo. It's an affront to my morals. As far as who he most admires, he lists "Don Draper and James Bond." As Dwight Schrute would say, those guys are "Unavailable, fictional, and overqualified." Nick Seacrest. You really are such a goober. At least wait until you get on the show to embarrass yourself.

Right out of the gate, if I were Peter's stylist, I would recommend that he shave immediately. He would be so much cuter without that weird dirt-stache! Although he does use the word "Mesozoic" in his bio, so maybe there's hope for him yet. ...but probably not.

Robby: cries easily, is one of the first to tell JoJo he loves her. Can't understand why everyone is so mean and why the guys can't just get along. Makes personalized Valentines for everyone in the house and gets really mad when a housemate eats his cereal without asking. Wait - sorry. Not mad, just disappointed.

"What's the craziest thing you've ever done?" Sal's answer? "Egged a gym teacher's house in high school." Sal. Come on. I egged a gym TEACHER in high school. You gotta do better than that. You also listed your three favorite attributes as "Humor, dependability, and truthful." Well those words are not the same parts of speech, and that really bothers me, man. It's either "humor, dependability, and truthfulness," or "funny, dependable, truthful." COME ON, SAL, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.

I'm not even going to make jokes here. I'm just going to report to you what he said, because that will be enough. Occupation? BARBER. BARBER. HE'S A BARBER. LOOK AT THOSE STRAIGHT ACROSS BANGS. THOSE ARE ON PURPOSE. Tattoos? "No, my mom would kill me." RED FLAG. Most embarrassing style you've rocked? "One time I bleached my tips like Justin Timberlake." OH I BET YOU DID. Anything you wouldn't do for love? "Use turkey meat." Ladies, Vinny. Vinny, ladies.

...Fargo wagon is a'comin' down the street...Music Man? Anyone? No? Well, anyway, despite Wells' extremely strange denim jacket with buttons a la every girl in the 90's, I actually really liked his bio. He's a radio DJ, he sounds smart, I guess. I don't know. It's moments like this, looking at a grown man in a jacket with flare all over it when I think to myself, "Why do I watch this show?"

SERIOUSLY though, we've seen him already, right??? NO?! Okay, so this is Will. He's a civil engineer (good), has a big side-body tattoo, and seems okay. I mean, this is pretty much the drill at this point: well-groomed, slightly edgy white boy says a couple of dumb things and wears a V-neck. Can we all go home now? There are only so many flavors of white boy.

I feel better about the contestants this season than last, solely because keeping up with them is going to be much easier now that I actually know their faces. Although to be fair Chase/Jordan/Luke/Robby is all the same guy, so it'll take some getting used to. Let's all get ready to hate Chad and look forward to officially discovering which one of these guys is Santa. See you guys next week.

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