If you're new to the block, this portion of my blog features weekly re-caps of the ABC classic, The Bachelorette. We got drive-by, bullet style commentary through the whole episode. Welcome.
- We begin with the a dramatic and depressing montage of JoJo's failed relationship with Ben, which is supposed to make me feel bad for her, but it's hard to feel bad for someone wearing this:
- She's quirky and fun, GET IT?!
- He didn't love two people at once, honey. He never loved you. He was lying, no matter how pure his motives are. He's on a show.
- One thing we can't deny is that her body is absolutely slammin'. Which is exactly what ABC wanted us to be thinking as they had her, bikini-clad, silhouetted in golden light walking down a beach. Subtle.
- But she's also SUPER HOT, get it?!?
- I'd be incredibly nervous too if I was wearing that outfit. Joje, I love ya, but I can't get down with a summer-weight romper and black suede open-toed booties. We're having a seasonally appropriate crisis, here.
- Look how many women there are up there who've been The Bachelorette and are still in a relationship. Three. Know how many seasons there have been? 11.
- Oh, here we go. I wonder how many horribly tragic backstories we'll have to listen to tonight?
- Greg, you wear me out. DEFINITELY not as good looking as his picture leads you to believe.
- Apparently how attractive he is is completely dependent on how much of his forehead is facing us.
- Jojo "lights my fire??" Come on, dude. Have some self-respect.
- Jordan is a former pro QB? Hmmm.
- HE'S AARON ROGERS' LITTLE BROTHER?!!?!? Well that's really cool.
- Oh, no. Except he's not smart. "Paying a toll" is what you do at a tollbooth, Jordan.
- "Smart" doesn't really matter on this show, though. I have a hunch that Jordan is going to be one of the final two. Just calling it now.
- We've made it through Tragic Story #1: "I cared about work too much and lost the love of my life." Phew. We can do it, you guys. Stay strong.
- Alex rides in on a Lil' Tykes motorbike.
- My friend, you are too short for that motorcycle. I don't think your arms are supposed to be stick-straight.
- Okay jokes aside, the Marines are the real freakin' deal.
- ...is that his twin??
- Oh. It actually is his twin.
- James...I can't really talk about you. You're pretty odd. Moving on. But his mom calling in the middle of his interview made me LOL.
- I WAS A PASTOR FOR YEARS. Y'ALL. I LITERALLY SAID THIS IN MY CONTESTANT OVERVIEW.
- Anyone?? ANYONE?? Come on. That is amazing.
- "Pumping up my guys and getting them excited." AND I SAID HE WAS GAY. I AM BRILLIANT. Evan, go home and get a boyf.
- Ari is the best one by a mile so far.
- CHRISTIAN! My boy. I love this guy. Look at that smile - I just think he's the bee's knees. Tragic Story #2: "My grandparents were bigots and I raised my brothers."
- Good looking and a nerd?? Sign me up.
- "100% country boys" do not have undercuts. That is not something they have. You're confused.
Nope.
- Military vet - Tragic Story #3: "I've had bigger problems in my life than this stupid ass show."
PART I: JOJO MEETS THE GUYS.
- This is what we call a cinderella story, girl. You're looking a little better this time around.
- If you're a long-time fan of this franchise, you know that the first person out of the limo is always "spouse material." And who's first out of the limo?
Like I said. One of the final two.
- Wanna know who was first out of the limo on Ben's season? Lauren "The Bee" B. And look how well that went.
- Their meeting was perfect. Watch him win the show.
- Also, JoJo's nervous tic is telling the guys how good they look. Let's keep a tally.
- Jonathan Taylor Thomas exits the limo.
- Grant. Grant, you're lame.
- This was actually one of my favorite meetings, though. Because:
- Dead.
- I fear Alex won't last very long. He's not tall enough for her - she always gravitates toward the tallies. Ben was a big'un.
- I like Will. I like goofy. I think he's cute and sweet.
- Ugh. CHAD. Who comes at a woman hands-first??
- Chad likes himself so much. SO much. I have different feelings about Chad.
- ALI!! I love him so much.
- James Taylor rolls in playin' the guitar. It was pretty cute. I guess. "You're way more prettier than on TV," wasn't the best line I've ever heard, but whatever.
- ...did this guy really just make an "Asian guys have small penises" joke?? Within 2 minutes of meeting this girl?
- ...I bet you're wrong. I bet you DO take off your clothes. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that naked guy at the end is you, my friend.
- That guy is right, there are definitely two categories of guys here. It's almost like they've done the hard work for her. There are like four quality guys and 20 idiots.
- Okay enough of the limo. Let's get to the actual party.
- Nope, I lied.
- Y'all. He got out of the limo and said, "Oh my God bless America." He might as well have gotten out and said, "Well shiitake mushrooms, you are just so fudging beautiful, gosh dangit! Also, I'm for dudes."
- A capella, unicorns, blah blah blah. Christian is adorable on his motorcycle, even though typically I'm not a moto fan. But he sure did make it look awesome.
- Okay NOW let's get to the party.
- ...but like, literally. A few. Like three. That's it.
PART II: Cocktail party.
- Evan said "Oh my God bless America." AGAIN. Wow. Wow. WOW.
- Well now you look like JTT.
- So all the guys are nervous except for Jordan. Although he was tickling her back in a creepy way the entire time they were talking. Well, I say "creepy." Really I just mean that I personally would be put off by someone invading my personal space during our first conversation.
- So they're portraying Jordan to be the only non-idiot on this show. This happened:
- Then this happened:
- First impression rose is now down between Jordan and whatever other guy makes a shred of a good impression with her.
- Falling RIGHT into his trap.
- ...what?!?!?
- "Have you been paying attention to ANYTHING, YOU STUPID IDIOT?! DON'T YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS VIRAL VIDEO?? I'M A GROWN MAN AND I KNOW ABOUT. GOD KAREN YOU'RE SO STUPID."
- Here is a little tour de disaster:
- Okay so she likes James, Ali, Luke, and Jord. Jordan, I mean. And Chad, despite all the brain cells I KNOW are telling her to get outta here.
- Aaaaand first impression rose goes to: Jordan. As predicted. I would be proud of myself for crushing the game, but honestly, this season is like softball after softball. When there are only a handful of quality guys, making predictions gets easier and easier.
PART III: Rose Ceremony.
- Oh, Lord. We're adding Jake freakin' Pavelka to the mix?
- I can't really comment on this, because I didn't watch this show at the time that Jake was on. But I know that he chose some chick named Vienna and then it imploded horrible. It was supposed to be one of the worst, most cringe-worthy moments of this entire show's history - they ended up screaming at each other in an interview with Chris Harrison.
- And, as usual, this is just clickbait. He's here to give her advice. This is so stupid.
- I HATE YOU, ABC, LET'S JUST MOVE ON.
Roses: Luke, Wells, James P., Grant, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Christian (YAY!), Chad (EW!), Alex, Chase, Robby, Vampire Brandon, James F., Ali, Will (despite that awkward kiss), James S., Vinny (despite the bangs), Nick B., Evan (despite the fact that he bats for the other team), James Taylor, and Daniel (because RATINGS!!!).
See ya: Coley, Jake, Jonathan (the kilt), Peter (don't even know who that is).
- DAWN IS BREAKING. It is daytime. No wonder these guys are trashed - they've been drinking LITERALLY all night long.
- I think Luke and Jordan are going far.
- I think this season is going to be boring.
- I don't care. I'm here for you. That's just the kind of blogger I am.
See you next week, Bachelor Nation.