"She's not a girl I would fight over." - Jordan
That hits the nail on the head. I didn't connect with JoJo last season. I mean, sure, she's a nice girl - she seems very sweet, but they haven't made her compelling beyond the fact that she's really attractive. I feel about her the way I feel about Bernie Sanders: I don't want them to hold the title they're vying for, but they'd be fun to go bowling with. Except I'm not really even sure she'd be fun to go bowling with. Bernie Sanders would 100% be fun to bowl with. Bowling with Bernie should be a new feature in the campaign.
PART I: GROUP DATE.
- Chris Harrison shows up to hand out the date card, where we find out that Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, and Robby are going on the date.
- Evan's reaction to reading his own name on the group date:
- Ali's reaction to Evan's reaction:
- Me too, Ali. Me, too.
- Robby is WILDLY over-groomed. I read in Esquire over the weekend that a man should never have a perfectly groomed scruff, and I agree. Or at the very least, choose between a well-maintained scruff and 25 bottles of product in your hair. YA CAN'T HAVE BOTH, ROBBY. He's a pretty boy.
- Things are exploding for no reason. What is this, a Michael Bay movie?
- BET SHE'S GONNA BE IN THE FIREMAN'S COSTUME annnnnnnd of course she is. Of COURSE she is.
- So basically we're watching a porn? That's what this is? A rated G porn fantasy? Y'all. This can't be real.
- As I've read many times before, the producers make suggestions, but the cast memebrs have to agree to go along with them. Which means that some producer said, "Hey JoJo, why don't we put you on a firetruck, naked, in some fireman's clothes Samantha Jones-style, and then you can come extinguish a burning lim-ferno?"
- "Guys, I'm not comfortable with that," JoJo replied. "I have to at least be wearing a soaking wet white wife beater."
- "Hot" is big for JoJo. This feels like watching Paris Hilton in the early aughts.
- Daniel makes a masturbation joke. So...that happened.
- Lil' Wells can't hang and genuinely looks like he's about to die. Luckily, he gets some extra time with Joje.
Back at the house...
- Are these guys seriously high-fiving about songwriting?? I mean I think songwriting is VERY cool, don't get me wrong, but it's not the same thing as watching sports.
- AND THERE'S CHOREOGRAPHY???? If I was JoJo and I saw this, I'd be feeling pretty bad about my chances.
- I figured it out. They think they're on The Voice. That must be it.
- I think I hate Jordan.
- This season is so extreme. Everything that's happening is to the nth degree. I mean, one minute these guys are fighting huge fires in 80 pounds of gear and the next minute we're songwriting. Even the stereotypes are extreme: The Canadian is lame. The erectile dysfunction guy is gay. The short guy has little man syndrome. Oy.
Back on the date...
- ...because you don't know their names.
- Grant wins the Fireman Award because he's, you know, a fireman.
- Grant!!!! Go Grant. I started out not liking you but I can't help it right now. You seem kind of selfless and sweet.
- She is INTO THE KISSING. Holy cow. She really is about it unapologetically.
- Jojo's conversation with Wells had such potential. I mean, maybe I'm mean, but I would've given Wells just a little tiny bit of a hard time before telling him how well he did and how proud of him I was. As one of my hilarious friends Darren said last night, "I'm already ready for next season when we watch Jordan and 25 lovely ladies."
- Luke, like, has just a tiny bit of, like, a speech tic.
- But JoJo doesn't seem to care.
PART II - ONE-ON-ONE.
- JTT has the next date. He's so sweet and nice, but this is SO BORING.
- Doesn't stop our girl, though. The guy could have Zika virus and she'd still make out with them.
- Oh, the two ass clowns are talking shit about everybody? In the future if you're trying to appear hardcore, maybe try not to match.
- Also, did you both do meth before this shot? What are you TALKING about??
- But for real, what happened was probably that a producer said, "Chad, can you compare this group of guys to a protein shake?" And Chad said, "Sure, no problem!" And what came out was nonsense.
- Back on the date, JoJo's talks about how she was ready to get engaged and it didn't work out.
- JTT, being a sweet person who doesn't know how this show works, mistakes JoJo's willingness to open up about her past for her awareness that she's on a TV show that everyone's already seen. Inspired by her bravery, he admits to JoJo that he was ready to propose to his girlfriend and then found out she was cheating on him.
- Poor bastard. Rose.
PART III - GROUP DATE.
- Hot girl wears fireman suspenders. Hot girl talks about sports. DO YOU HAVE A BONER YET??
- ...I think he's not gonna even know that you were a quarterback.
- Made me actually LOL. Jordan really BUGS.
- You know the best way to woo a girl who almost got engaged but didn't? Fake proposals.
- I genuinely feel bad for these guys on this silly challenge. If you take it too seriously, you look like such a fraud:
- If you take it too lightly, you look like a chump:
- Chad refuses to propose on grounds that he's known this person for less than 24 hours.
- HE CALLED HER NAGGY. That happened. Happened.
- The saddest part is that Chad is the only one who's telling the truth. I mean, it's just a game and he should lighten up, but none of these guys have any ideas what qualities they like best in this girl who is almost a perfect stranger. He needs to be nicer, but he's actually right.
- Let's just roll right through to the after party, because I'm bored by this Chad v. Alex conflict and of course JoJo is going to keep Chad around.
- I actually have a friend who went to college with James T., and he said that James is a super nice and genuine guy. So I have decided to like James until he's proven guilty.
- He killed it making JoJo cry with that note, but calling her the "most special woman alive" was a leeeeeetle much. Cool it off, brother. Take it slow.
- Are you kidding me that they put that tiny guy in a giant chair????
- Also Chad the villain gets made out with. But then again, JoJo more or less made out with everything that was standing still this episode, so that doesn't mean much.
- James T. gets the rose, of course. Have we just stopped calling him James Taylor? Because you can't make me forget that easily, ABC.
PART IV - COCKTAIL PARTY.
- Chad walks in with JoJo and all the guys freak out. Detective Alex is on the case, asking Chad 1,000,000 questions.
- The guys try to confront him about it.
- The meat plate. I can't decide if I love this or hate this. Love that he's unapologetically eating fourteen portions of food, because I identify strongly with that. Okay yeah, I love this. I don't hate it.
- Little does he know he's in for the meat sweats later.
- Christian tries to take a bath with her and James Taylor is rolling the Bachelor Mansion. Maybe it's just too early in the season, but all of these guys are really putting me to sleep.
- Can Daniel go home yet? To Transylvania?
- Alex, honey...this just isn't your moment. You're the size of a mushroom and you need to just head home.
- "Am I un-figure-out-able?" - William Butler Yeats. Oh, sorry - nope. Chad.
- Then they try to confront Chad again. Doesn't work. Again.
- Chad might suck, but his West Side Story reference complete with snapping choreography was impressive. He's totally been in a community theater production of that show.
- Oh hey, Ali! Forgot you were here. Your shirt is too tight, brother.
- Evan feels like he could "legitimately fall for this girl." No you don't. Are you crying?? Are you CRYING?? There's no crying in baseball!!
- Somehow Alex's suit is too small. See how it buckles?? I don't understand how that happened.
- Once again, I'm bored by this Alex/Chad altercation. Alex, I respect your motives, but you really aren't going to be able to defend yourself against someone who can do pull ups with your body weight attached.
- I'm also too distracted by Chad's messy beardline to pay attention. I want to do a whole post on the bad fashion/facial hair of these contestants. They need makeovers.
PART V - ROSE CEREMONY.
- We're doing a lot of Ben and Lauren talk this season. I can't really understand why she keeps bringing Ben up if he broke her heart so badly. Probably because this season has no plot aside from #meatChad.
- This next shot is absolutely brutal. Damn you, ABC, for putting these guys next to each other.
- Pretty predictable as far as roses go:
Roses: James Taylor, JTT, Wells, Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick (Santa), Vinny (haircut), Evan (COME ON), Chad (of course).
Leaving: James S. (Silly Putty face), Will (mistake, he was cute), Brandon.
Until next week when maybe we'll get an ounce of excitement because someone gets punched in the face, enjoy this still of Chad eating lunch meat at the rose ceremony.