Week 6.

Refresh yourself from last week here: 

Now then. 

Let's get to gettin', because according to last week's preview for this week, Ben must stab an entire box of cute furry creatures to death because there's SO MUCH CRYING.

I have lots of screen grabbing of lots of sobbing girls to do. Such is the life of a Bachelor blogger. 

Onward. 

PART I: ROSE CEREMONY FROM LAST WEEK. 

  • We left last week on a note of uncertainty. Whether Ben is going to drop the axe over Olivia's head, or show mercy - we're about to see. 
thumbs_down_gladiator.gif
  • Ben basically says, "What gives with you being an awful person?" And Olivia's all, "Every other girl here has a low IQ and I'm a genius and THAT'S why girls have such a hard time getting along with me. Because I know how to read." 
  • And so Ben decides to keep her. At least it appears that way. WHICH MEANS JORDAN WAS RIGHT, UGGGGHHHHHHHH so over it. 
  • Ben comes back to talk to the girls who are obviously disappointed in his choices. He says "BYE, cocktail party, I'm gonna go cut some peeps." 
  • My dad always told me guys find it super attractive when you say things like, "Everybody else can suck it." So I get it. I mean, who ISN'T charmed by her??
  • (That is a joke. My dad never said that.)
  • I feel like we're gonna be saying goodbye to Jennifer this week. LET'S WATCH. 
  • Poor Jenny. Bye girl. 

We barely knew you. ...but really. 

PART II: ONE-ON-ONE. 

  • How many times do you think the producers have to do these shots where all the girls yell, "Hello, _______!" per season? Like, 8? 
  • But really though, I'm sitting in the mountains in Uggs and a big giant sweater with snow on the ground. Let's go to the Bahamas. 
  • Chris Harrison rolls in to drop a bomb as usual. Time for a 2x1. For some reason I have a hankering that it's going to be Emily and Leah on that date. 
  • Leah is the Cardly Waddell of this season. 

Basically twins. 

  • Ben gives Caila the date card, which is pretty ballsy considering that there are three girls (Leah, Olivia, and Emily) who haven't gotten a one-on-one with him yet. This will be Caila's second one-on-one. But I mean...this was said about her: 

So, you know. Not THAT surprising. 

  • ...what exactly are you questioning? You don't have a relationship. 
  • So Caila and Ben take off on a boat, and she couldn't be more adorable. THE BELT LITERALLY SWALLOWS HER. SHE IS TOO SMALL FOR THE BELT, ugh. I think I just developed a spontaneous eating disorder watching her. 
  • ...nope, false alarm. I just remembered pizza exists.

AND her hair is still perfect. On the open seas. 

  • I kind of want her to just win the show right now. Not just because I have her slated to win, but because anyone who can look and act this precious while in rough waters where all you really want to do is yack into the chum bucket is my girl and I am HERE FOR THEM. 
  • Although I will say, this date is kind of a snoozefest and we could kick up the drama easily by adding some actual chum. 
  • Meanwhile Leah is upset about...what, again?? I really don't get it. And I don't care about this storyline because inevitably the producers have locked Leah in a room and fed her only Long Island Ice Teas for a week and that's why she's behaving like an insane person. 
  • He's actually complaining about this. This is not a drill. He is complaining about her being TOO HAPPY.  
  • I'm just going to screengrab this ENTIRE COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS CONVERSATION THAT HE TRIES TO START. 
  • ...what????? 
  • So he says, "Be vulnerable!" and she's all, "I don't know why you're trying to make me cry just to prove that I like you," and he's like, "No, no, I would never ask you to be vulnerable, I just want to know if you love me," and she's like, "Well, I do, but I'm not going to tell you." 
  • If you're still following the narrative arc of the most strangely cut convo in history, I salute you. On a serious note, though, I absolutely love that she wasn't playing his "spill your guts to me after 5 weeks" game. She TOTALLY held the cards and made him work for it. 
  • Back at the house, the group date card arrives. 
  • THE TWO ON ONE IS WITH EMILY AND OLIVIA?! STOP. STOP. ABC, you have outdone yourself. 
  • Obviously Olivia is going to come out with the rose, if anyone. Emily has the moral high ground, but she's going up against a heavyweight. 
  • Meanwhile, in the space time continuum of this conversation, Caila says, "Listen, I'm falling in love, okay? Just gimme the damn rose." And he does. 

PART III: GROUP DATE.

  • Leah is melting down. She's def going to make a mistake this episode out of pure exhaustion and drunkenness. #longislandiceteas 
  • Ben takes his Bevy of Blonde Beauties out on the boat, where the dress code was obviously jean shorts and bikini tops. 
  • We move on to one of the most hysterical things I've ever seen, which is a hoard of wild sea pigs chasing a bunch of skinny girls with hot dogs. Y'all. I can't. 
  • I'd like to turn off the TV now, because this is unbeatable. Best group date of all time. Hell, best DATE of all time. Somebody tell my husband I want to go scream with the pigs. 
  • Then things get awkward because 6 women are trying to date 1 guy. 
  • Drunk Leah starts to self-destruct. 
  • ...yikes. 

Peein' in the water and cryin' about her boyf. 

  • At the cocktail party afterwards, Ben pulls his BFF Becca aside and they talk like pals about why all the girls were being weird. But part of being in a relash is being a BFF, so that probably put a few ticks in Becca's column. 
  • That's ticks, not ticks. I hope Becca doesn't have any ticks. 
  • Blah blah blah one on one time with all the women reassuring them that they're the one and making out with all of them like the Tongue Burglar he is. 
  • At the house, sweet little Caila REVELS in telling these chicks that one of them is toast. 

Brutal. 

  • Back on Weirdo Island, Ben finally gives Drunk Leah some personal attention.
  • Okay, I'm bored, so we're going to play Spot How ABC is Manipulating Us. Ready? Pay really close attention. I'm going to walk you through my theory. 
  • A producer pulled Drunk Leah aside, handed her a Long Island Iced Tea, and said, "Listen, Leah - aren't you mad that Ben hasn't spent any real time with you? You have been so overlooked. You deserve some special time with him. And the way to get it is by mentioning how Lauren B. is really inauthentic." 
  • This is called manipulation by the production. I bet Drunk Leah didn't actually feel this much animosity toward Lauren B., but she's weak enough and desperate enough that the producers were able to trick her into "creating a storyline" for herself by slingin' mud at Lauren "The Bee" B.
  • I do, I do! It's because the producers told her to! 
  • And Leah is now the villain. And Lauren B. is now a total mess. 
  • Sorry to pull back the curtain for a minute, but I think it's important that we think about how these women are pitted against each  o-- OH SNAP SHE'S GOING BACK AFTER HIM?! 
  • She's going to his HOUSE?! 
  • If I were writing my Bad Grammar on The Bachelor blog, I'd say, "It's not 'less,' it's 'fewer,' because you're talking about a finite number of things." But like, what kind of nerd notices THAT boring stuff?? 
  • Once again, Leah is the Carly of this season. Carly told Chris that Britt was inauthentic, just like Leah is telling Ben that Lauren B. isn't serious. 

Mmhmm. 

  • And then Ben proves why he's one of the best guys to have ever been on this show. He sees through the producer's BS and says, "Not in my backyard." 
  • HOLLA BACK PRODUCTION PUPPET, talk to you never. Call Carly Waddell, you guys will have tons to chat about.
  • Is this the longest episode ever?? UGH let's get this 2x1 over with. 

PART IV: TWO-ON-ONE. 

  • Let me start this section by mentioning that Olivia and Emily have an age difference of...one year. Olivia is 23 and Emily is 22. 
  • Also, Olivia is 23?? She seems like a 45 year old witch doctor. 
  • So Olivia and Emily go out on the appropriately stormy Bahama seas. 
  • Ben steals Olivia and her "cankles" for the first convo. 
  • Meanwhile Emily looks like a dime while waiting on the beach. Did she lighten her hair?? I don't know...something looks different, though. 
  • Olivia casually drops that she's in love with Ben after 5 weeks of knowing him and probably less than 24 hours cumulatively spent together. And Ben says, "Yeah." Which is every girl's dream response. 
  • Oh, sorry, he CHUCKLES and then says, "Yeah." That's worse. 
  • WOW. Oh, man. You guys, I mean, he reacted so poorly when she told him she loved him, but I also never thought he'd axe her. How 'bout that?! Go on, BEN! Redeeming yourself!! (But you just ruined my bracket so poof you.) 
  • Although taking the rose with him to bounce her was a little cold-blooded. But, whatever. 
  • Emily gets the rose, which means she's sticking around, and Olivia is left alone on an island full of...geysers? 
  • Sorry, girl. I get it. You played your game, but it had a shelf life. Villains gotta vil' and geysers gotta geys'. That's what you get for being the worst. Geyser Island by your damn self. 
  • This episode has been SO. DRA. MATIC. And not even good, just...dramatic. Let's remember happier times. 

"SCREAMS" is the best thing I've ever seen. 

PART V: ROSE CEREMONY.

  • Is he even going to cut anyone this week?? He cut Leah and Olivia already. I bet he doesn't send anyone home - he digs all these girls. 
  • NAILED IT. Drunk Chris Harrison (probably a facilitator of Drunk Leah) rolls in and drops the bomb that the cocktail party is for chumps and IT'S OVER. 

A little Homestar Runner/Teen Girl Squad reference for my homies. 

  • Okay so wait...let me gather my thoughts. Caila, Amanda, and Emily have roses, so there are three roses to be distributed among...4 women? Becca, JoJo, Lauren H., and Lauren B. Hmm. And he's gonna do it? Okay. Curveball. 
  • So I guess it'll come down to the Laurens - Lauren B. and her tiny mouth vs. Lauren H. and her giant one. So he'll pick The Bee.
  • This one hit me hard - I really like her. Jordan will not love that she's gone - she was an early favorite of his because she's nice and funny. Disappointed Emily's still around and she's gone. 

Poor thing. 

  • So at this point on the show, we have QUALITY girls. Jordan says, and I agree, that Emily is a "burner," meaning Ben could (and will) get rid of her and not sweat it. 
  • BUT. Then we're down to Amanda, Lauren B., Caila, Becca, and JoJo. All of whom I can see him ending up with, and all of whom tell him they love him in the preview for the rest of the season. We also get to hear Ben say, "I love you" prior to the finale, which is fairly unprecedented. 

Buckle in, people. It's gonna be a long and bumpy ride to paradise. 

See you next week. 

Jordan Says, Episode 5.

...it's really Episode 3 about Week 5, but it's just easier to call it Episode 5. 

Why did we do this again? Well, I just don't know. People listened last time. We had a bottle of wine in the house and an hour to kill. Any number of reasons. 

Refresh your memory from last week with this silliness, then tune in tomorrow and let's BachCap together. 

See you in the AM from some ruthless commentary on Week 6. 

Week 5.

Let me start by posting the podcast from last week's episode. 

Now then. According to the caucus last night, we aren't going to be swearing President Trump into office, which I think by most accounts is a #win. Let's take that good energy and funnel it into BACHCAPPING. 

Ready? 

Good. Because from the preview, it looks like we're really gonna sink our teeth into this one. 

PART I: ONE ON ONE. 

  • This fuzzy screengrab is because I wanted to remind you these girls are flying first class internationally. So if you're not going on the show to find love, go on the show for the amenities.
  • Single Mom Amanda gets the first one-on-one date, which surprises Olivia as she digs herself further and further into a hole of evil remarks. 

She's a real delight. 

  • A point I need to make before we move forward: If you're a longtime Bachelor fan, you remember Emily Maynard, the shy, single mom whose fiancé died in a PLANE CRASH. She was stunning and mild-mannered, much like Amanda - but more importantly, she sounds just like Amanda. Do some YouTubing. I'm right about this. Anyway, let's proceed.  
  • Though Amanda is the only person who's going on this date, Ben feels the need to wake every girl up by shining a bright blue flashlight in their faces a la A Really Bad Cop Show. Let's take a tour through their reactions: 
  • On the off-chance that any straight guys read this blog, let me discourage you from this behavior. If ever you need to wake up your girlfriend in the middle of the night for a date, the best way to do it is to approach her bed with your face turned away, place a hot cup of coffee on her nightstand, and whisper at increasing decibel levels until she sweetly opens her eyes and wipes her drool-mouth. 
  • God bless Lauren H. and her retainer. Love. 
  • Also, Ben picked up someone's blonde weave. Love x 2. 
  • Olivia is charming, isn't she? I bet it gets worse. 
  • Ben and Amanda take a hot air balloon ride over Mexico City. One thing you should know about a hot air balloon ride is that you can't hear each other over the helium pump. So I bet that conversation was riveting. 

Precious. 

  • Amanda is impossibly sweet, down-to-earth, and practical, which makes her an easy frontrunner as far as quality on this show. She knows she comes with two sweet little girls, and takes that very seriously. 
  • Getting allusions to the fact that she might have been in an abusive marriage. I want to round up all my friends and go kick that guy's ass. She is a gem. 
  • Meanwhile, back at the house, the group date card comes with everyone's name on it but Lauren H.'s. That retainer worked, girl! 

Olivia is thrilled. 

  • Olivia is flexing her crazy muscles. She's really working it out. Do we think she's on this show for publicity? Yes. Do we think she actually cares about Ben? No. She's trying to make a career out of having been on this show. 
  • Ben and Amanda continue their marathon date into dinnertime, where they talk real life. 
  • Can we all agree to go and pummel this guy until his eyeballs pop out? I mean - if I'm being generous, I understand that people do the best they can, this guy just isn't evolved enough yet, blah blah blah - but the primal part of me wants to slather that guy in lighter fluid and put him over a fire pit. KILL THE BEAST! 
  • OBVIOUSLY, Amanda gets the rose. 

PART II - GROUP DATE. 

  • The women meet Ben in downtown Mexico City for some...sightseeing? 
  • Oh, nope. Spanish class. I actually love this - one of my goals this year is to learn Spanish, so I'd love to do this. 
  • Except for this part. Awkward watching him talk to all these people and tell them he loves them? 
  • Okay - wait a minute. I'm sorry. People are mad because Jubilee doesn't want to play along having just listened to Ben tell 7 other women that he loves them and wants to kiss them? And we think JUBILEE is being irrational?? How about this whole situation is royally WEIRD and Jubilee is the only one having a normal reaction. 

"Hi, I'm Jubilee and I have some sense." 

  • ...what this actually means is that these girls like American Mexican food with dollar margs and bottomless cheese dip. Don't lie, ladies. Don't tell a lie. 
  • A battle ensues for Ben between Jujubee and Olivia. Of course, Olivia comes out on top. She didn't get a one-on-one, but she sho' did make herself a one-on-one.  

He looks excited, right? 

  • Caila's hair game continues to be on point. 
  • Jennifer makes a crack about Emily's palate not having expanded past the kid's menu. 
  • Emily makes a crack about Olivia's breath being horrible. Lots of crackin' in this ep. 
  • Back at the house, Lauren H. and Amanda are having a civil, normal conversation about dating the same person. 
  • And in the kitchen, Ben is making really horrible cooking puns, God bless him. 
  • ... 
  • Jubilee starts to melt down a little bit because she's not seeing enough of Ben. Okay, I will concede here that you do have to play the game if you come on this show. You can't wilt on group dates! Poor Juj. I love her unconditionally.
  • The brother and sister chefs taste the dishes. Becca and her topknot are very appreciative of the compliments. 

Boom.

  • And Olivia weirdly microaggresses the Mexican culture?

UGGGH GO AWAY.

  • JUBILEE AND LAUREN B. WIN! I love it. 
  • At the cocktail party, Olivia literally cuts Ben off mid-sentence to take him away first. He hates her. It's pretty obvious at this point. 

Over it. 

  • Lauren B. rocks bridal white, shows off her slammin' bod, and walks through Mexico City with Ben. Oh sorry did I say walks? I meant "stands on a street corner and makes out." 
  • This is a classic Bachelor mistake. Ben wants to assure his front-runners that he's into them, but there's a pack of other women who are waiting, knowing he's smashing faces with Lauren B.. Chris Soules made this same mistake with Britt when he took her to a special concert while on a group date. 
  • ...I can't believe I'm psychoanalyzing this show. I hate myself. 
  • Things are getting pretty testy at the cocktail party. YIKES. 
  • Jubilee tells Ben she feels overshadowed, and Ben is very patient. ...to start out with. 
  • He then tells her that he feels their connection is dwindling because she's literally and figuratively pulling away. 
  • Okay, Ben. I have some opinions for you here. I understand that I'm only getting to see what the producers want me to see of this conversation, but you need to LIGHTEN UP. She didn't hold your hand because she's feeling weird in front of other people, given that they picked apart her comments last time. Cut her some slack, maybe. Stop making assumptions. She got shut down before she had the chance to feel comfortable enough to explain what she felt! 
  • ...again, I hate myself. 

SHE'S DOING THE BEST SHE CAN LEAVE HER ALONE. 

  • Okay, I did not see this coming. He's about to dump her, isn't he? 
  • I really can't believe this. I'm pretty mad at him right now. 
  • Are you serious?? Are. You. Serious. He knew exactly how that conversation was going to turn out the minute he sat down, as evidenced by the fact that he didn't give her any emotional space to express herself. 
  • UNBELIEVABLE. 

This is breaking my heart.

  • You know who else I'm mad at right now? The producers of this show. For making it look like Jubilee had some kind of epic meltdown in the teaser for this episode. She was perfectly calm throughout the whole thing, even when Ben SENT HER HOME. That is shady and not okay. And, if we really want to get real, plays into the "mad black woman" stereotype. So much for your shining, diversified cast of contestants, ABC. Well done. 
  • OOOOOO, I have a lot of opinions right now. I am MAD. 
  • Ben's really upset, you guys. He's SO UPSET and SO heartbroken. 

See? He's so upset. Obviously. 

  • But don't fret! He's definitely up for making out with JoJo 5 minutes later. It's cool! It's fine. Don't panic. 

Shave your FREAKING face, you ass hat. 

  • I'm pretty irritated. Can you tell? Okay, rose ceremony. And he gives the rose to...
  • ...I have no words. I need a break. I'm going to get a coffee. 

PART III - ONE ON ONE

  • I'm still not over it. My heart rate is up right now because I TRUSTED BEN HIGGINS. 
  • I'm tempted to just end the recap because I don't care about what happens to him this episode. But I won't, in case he does the impossible and wins me back. ...which he won't. 
  • He and Lauren H. go shopping. Shopping. On a date. Groundbreaking. 
  • They get to go to fashion week in Mexico City. Kewl. Sounds fun. 
  • Back at the house, the girls are plotting about whether or not to tell Ben that Olivia is heinous. What they don't know is that, ALWAYS, people who come to the Bachelor/Bachelorette and tell on another contestant for being awful are always sent home for "caring more about the drama than about the person they're dating." Their only hope is to use Amanda, who can do no wrong in Ben's eyes. 
  • Lauren H. and Ben prepare to walk in a fashion show. 

My new life motto. 

You deserve that God-awful shirt. Stop winking. You aren't cool. 

  • HE LITERALLY NEVER SHAVES PROPERLY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU SHAVE YOUR 5 O'CLOCK SHADOW. 
  • I'm over it. Lauren H. is obviously adorable and is going to get a rose. I'm not even recapping the rest of this date because I'm too pissed. I'm bored and this is generic AF. Let's get to the rose ceremony. 

PART IV: ROSE CEREMONY

  • Girls continue to conspire against Olivia. Duh. 
  • Ben's getting more and more comfortable being in the position of talking to/dating 10 women. He shouldn't be. NO ONE should be. He needs to eat a big ol' hunk of humble pie, because he's getting pretty full of himself. 
  • Ugh, but to be fair, how could you not when you're the Bachelor? Of COURSE you have an inflated sense of self. 
  • Whatever, Ben makes out with JoJo again. Grool. 
  • ...and Lauren B. ...

...we know. 

  • Then this happens, which is unprecedented and insane. What is the MATTER WITH YOU. 
  • And then she tries to cry her way out of it. 
  • And everyone is, OF COURSE, horrified.
  • So then Emily decides she'll be the one to fall on the sword, which usually doesn't turn out well, but might in this case because Amanda is going to back her up (according to the previews). 
  • Then Ben asks all the women about Olivia. This storyline is so deeply manufactured that it's painful to watch. We've seen Ben's total exasperation with Olivia for two weeks, and he's suddenly shocked that people have a problem with Olivia?? Right. No. 
  • Drunk Chris Harrison shows up, speaks Spanish, and announces that it's time for the rose ceremony, at which point Ben picks Olivia off for a private conversation.
  • I'M SORRY, WE DON'T GET TO SEE HOW THIS ENDS UP??? 

Dear ABC, 

I am so over you that I can't even see straight. I watched the teaser for next week. It looks dramatic. But you're manipulative and The Devil, so who even knows? 

I hate you, 
Mary Catherine and probably millions of other fans. 

Week 4.

Let me start by linking this, which is a 40 minute podcast I made my husband do with me about last week's episode of The Bach. I know what you're thinking - "I don't know MC's husband, why would I want to listen to this?" At the risk of inflating his ego, he's actually kind of hysterical. Trust me. 

NOW then. Let's get down to business. (If you didn't finish that line by singing, "To defeat the Huns!" then I'm through with you.) 

PART I - ONE-ON-ONE:

We start here: 

Charming.

  • The girls freak out about being schlepped to Las Vegas, International Capital of "Oh SNAP! I GOT MARRIED LAST NIGHT!?" Romantic, right?  
  • Even the great Britney Spears had a marriage that didn't last in Vegas. Although she now is a performer in residence there, so she came out on top of that deal. 
  • Haley and Emily freak out with excitement because they're headed back to their hometown, not realizing that the prospect of each of them getting a 1x1 DEFINITELY means that they're going to be the 2x1 date. Silly girls, Vegas is for ruthlessly tearing sisters apart. 
  • Lauren H. is adorable but her accent is getting a little obnoxious, no? (I am fully aware that my accent would cause people to feel the same way.) 
  • Ben H. gives the date card to JoJo, a dark horse who (in my bracket, at least) is going to go pretty far. 
  • Olivia rattles on for a while about how excited she is that she and Ben are soulmates. 

...I bet you aren't. Betcha ten bucks you go crazy later. 

  • The fact that Ben Higgins is pulling out all of these small planes and helicopters makes him one of the smoothest bachelors in history...
  • ...oh, right. Nevermind. Nice guy, though! 
  • Olivia continues to talk crazy. I'm not even going to deal with it at this moment because I feel like she's going to explode later in this episode, so we'll get to it. 
  • Except for this, which proves to me that Olivia came on this show in order to get famous and have a D-list celebrity career afterwards. She'll be hawking teeth whiteners on Instagram a la Tanner, Jade, and Ashley I. in NO TIME. I'll put $100 down right now that she ends up on Bachelor in Paradise.
  • Jojo and Ben sit on the couch and have real talk, which seems very normal and good. She admits that she's been cheated on by dirtbags, and Ben assures her that he is not a dirtbag. While awkwardly holding onto her arm. 
  • Wait, she ALREADY has the rose?? Is this the shortest 1x1 ever?? 
  • Okay...well, sure. He digs her. 
  • Fireworks, making out, blah blah blah. 
  • WAIT - Emily and Haley are both on the group date? Dadgum - I was so wrong! Okay - let's group date. 

PART II - GROUP DATE.

  • The girls are obviously going to perform in some sort of Vegas showcase, which, I'm not even going to lie, is 100% my dream date. 
  • ...except they're performing with puppets? OH. Nevermind. 

...not my dream.

  • The twins plan their dance talent and I bet they're going to look something like that emoji: 
  • God. Bless. Lauren. H. If she doesn't get the rose after this, I will be angry for her. 
  • Of COURSE my girl Jubilee plays the cello because she is a BAMF. 
  • ABC tries to convince us that Olivia has some sort of hidden talent that she's going to pull. I predict that Olivia's real talent is just going to be flopping around on the stage like a weirdo. 
  • I really can't deal with ANY of this. First of all, Olivia, if you keep pulling your face down to put eyeliner on your waterline, your skin is going to lose its elasticity in a hurry. Just a tip from me to you, girl. 
  • The girls all perform - twins are solid, Jubilee is the best, there is actually a girl who bounces on a pogo stick and catches food in her mouth. Come on, Chris Harrison. DRAW THE LINE. 
  • Olivia then proceeds to have a meltdown because she knows she looked like an idiot and thinks she lost control of how Ben perceives her...
  • ...while Amber continues to throw unnecessary shade. Every week, she shows a new and meaner side of herself. I really hope she goes home this week. I prefer crazy over mean any day.

(Making fun of Olivia.) 

  • Single Mom Amanda sounds EXACTLY like Emily Maynard of Bachelor seasons past. 
  • Caila and company try to get Ben's attention at the cocktail party, and Caila does a pretty dang good job. 
  • So in mine and Jordan's podcast, I said that Ben has 0% game. But Jordan said that Ben's game is acting like he has no game, which is the most successful game of all. And damn it, I think he's right. Because he talked to a girl WITH A PUPPET ON HIS HAND and then got kissed anyway. 
  • Cue Olivia making the classic girl mistake of over-explaining. Did you do something embarrassing? Okay. Just let it lie. It probably wasn't that big a deal. It's the same concept as having to explain why a joke is funny. If you have to follow up a joke with, "Get it?? Because ________," the joke is dead. Leave it alone. 

Yikes. 

  • Lauren B. has some one-on-one time with Ben and admits that she's having feelings that are so strong that she is uncomfortable. It's weird because I feel like someone called that this was going to happen...

OH RIGHT IT WAS ME.

  • Olivia comes back and wrecks time with Emily in the. most. awkward. way. 
  • But it doesn't matter, because Lauren B. is the ultimate fighting champion. 

PART III: ONE ON ONE: 

  • Okay, so now it's Becca's turn. She gets a giant dress box which I can only imagine is...CURVEBALL. A wedding gown. 
  • Never in one million years would I have ever put on a wedding gown before I got married. I don't think I'm very superstitious, but that just seems like really bad luck. 
  • My anxiety level was up even though I knew that they weren't actually getting married. Still - this show is crazy. 
  • FIX YOUR COLLAR FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. 
  • We then get to bear witness to an oddly sweet Vegas wedding ceremony, though you have to question the strength of a relationship where both parties agree to be married on The Bachelor.  But still. They seemed sweet. 
  • Also, I have to say...I don't know why, but I kind of don't like Becca. Am I alone here? There's something about her that really rubs me the wrong way. I think on Chris' season, I really thought she was a down-to-earth Cool Girl, but since she's doing her second stint on this show, she just feels a little...desperate? 
  • The pair travels from the wedding ceremony to a neon museum. 
  • Gah, Becca does have great hair though, doesn't she? 

Maybe she's born with it...

  • This is a first for Bachelor territory - I think Ben and Becca share an evangelical streak and have a sex talk. I do think that Ben will be wooed by this because he and Becca come from a place of similar beliefs. 
  • Y'all...I think he likes her a lot. And vice versa. 
  • Man oh man. I had Becca not making it to the top 2, but now I'm thinking she may win the show. UGH, MY BRACKET IS DOOMED. 

PART IV - SURPRISE 2X1 YESSSSS

  • OH MY GOSH I'M RIGHT HE'S GOING TO DO A 2X1. You guys. I am crushing the predictions. 
  • Come on now, did they have to dress alike?? 
  • Haley (the twin I think he'll send home) has pictures of her ex-boyfriend all. over. her room. 
  • And then Emily pulls a totally cutthroat move and tries to manipulate his choice by trashing her sister. 
  • Also, did she break her thumb??
  • BYE HALEY. I am scoring over and over again today, you guys. Just call me Cam Newton. 

PART V - ROSE CEREMONY

  • Sweet Jennifer AKA Perfect Stranger pulls Ben aside and talks to him for maybe the first time? 
  • Aaaaaand then Olivia steals him and officially FREAKS BEN OUT. 

This is a man who is close to vomiting. 

  • Just to twist the knife, Olivia finds JoJo and tells her that Ben told her he loved her. I have to say, I knew she would unravel, but I didn't think it would happen this soon.
  • And then makes a face that every single mean girl has made since the dawn of time. 

Bone chilling. 

  • I think that Ben is charmed (for now) by Jujubee's humility, but I think if she keeps this up week after week, he's going to tire of re-assuring her that she's awesome. They need to be able to talk about something other than her insecurities, because she is THE BEST. Calm down, Juj.
  • I feel like Ben wants to send Olivia home because he saw the crazy behind her eyes, but we all know that the production team wouldn't let that happen. Ratings, people. RATINGS. But I do bet that Amber is GONE. Let's watch: 

ROSES: JoJo, Lauren B., Becca, Emily, Amanda/Emily Maynard, Lauren H., Jubilee (YES), Caila, Jennifer, Leah, Olivia. 

ELIMINATED: Haley, Amber (NAILED IT), Rachel. 

Ben looks upset, but his harem is here to comfort him: 

Stay tuned for next week's show wherein Ben inevitably regrets letting the producers talk him into keeping Olivia, and where we get a week free from Amber's hatefulness. 

MC OUT.