Charleston and Kiawah Travel Guide, Pt I.

Well HELLO! 

Didja miss me? 

I missed you!

It feels like it's been much longer than a week and also much less than a week since I've written. Let me fill you in! 

Last Christmas, my parents gave us kids a trip as our big gift. My dad planned a week long trip starting in Asheville, then moving on to Charleston, heading to Kiawah Island, and then back to Asheville. We spent about two days in each place. It was easily one of the best trips I've ever taken - not only because the scenery, accommodations, and food were MIND-BLOWLINGLY GOOD, but because my whole family was present. Laughing with my family is one of the greatest things there is. 

So - let's kick things off when our trip began in Asheville: 

MONDAY: 

  • My mom and Parker's girlfriend, Emily, came to a Pure Barre class that I taught! So fun to have everyone there. 
  • We met up with the guys and went to Mayfel's in downtown Asheville.
  • After breakfast, we loaded up in the giant SUV my dad rented to accommodate all six of us (plus Tom Hanks, in this case) and drove to Max Patch, where it was THE MOST PERFECT DAY. 
  • Though we probably should've taken naps, we came home, had a cocktail, rallied, and got ready for our fantastic dinner at Limone's. I wish I had pictures, but, tragically, I do not. Just imagine it. 

TUESDAY. 

  • The next morning, we piled into the SUV and headed to Charleston. Arrived at our beautiful hotel, Zero George. If you have plans to visit Charleston anytime soon, I cannot recommend this hotel enough. It is the most charming place - everything about it is lovely. The hotel itself is beautiful - eye candy around every corner - the rooms are spacious and cozy, and the staff is incredibly attentive. I really can't say enough about it - it's a "can't miss" and is hands-down my favorite hotel of all time. 
  • We traipsed around Charleston for a bit - visited Battery Park, looked at the historic homes - came back, the girls put on our robes and enjoyed our champagne and cheese boards, courtesy of the hotel. I mean...are ya kiddin' me? I was basically pretending I was Beyonce at this point. 
  • Quickly dressed for dinner at Le Farfalle. Don't have any pictures from here, either, but this is a newer restaurant in Charleston (has only been open 9 weeks). It's a great, romantic setting - house-made pasta. Jordan had a squid ink dish, and I had the housemade spaghetti in butter sauce, pictured below. Both were delish. (Thanks to their website for these pics!)
  • We capped the evening with cocktails on the rooftop of The Restoration Hotel. So delicious and great service. I continued drinking my new favorite - grapefruit juice, Tito's, St. Germaine, and a splash of soda. To my immense disappointment, this drink already exists and is called a Greyhound. I'm still going to pretend I made it up. 
  • Arrived back at the hotel to discover turn-down service and chocolates had been deposited in our room as a late-night treat. 

WEDNESDAY.

  • Enjoyed a completely picturesque breakfast at the hotel. Zero George has lovely indoor and outdoor seating along with a breakfast that makes you feel like you've been teleported to France. I'm telling you, everything about this hotel is just drool-worthy. 

 

  • The kids decided we were up for a bike ride, so we rented bikes from the hotel and cruised around the city for about an hour. 
  • Had lunch at Chez Nous, a teeny tiny restaurant in Charleston that you can totally miss if you aren't looking for it. One of the best meals I've ever eaten, and I think everyone would agree. The restaurant itself is a tiny space, well-decorated and beautifully lit, and the (handwritten) menu is traditional French cuisine. The chefs create two options per course, so the quality is just out of this world. 
  • We basically staggered out, woozy with total delight, and tried to window shop. Ended up waving the white flag and returning the hotel for pre-dinner naps. 
  • I have no pictures of dinner - suffice it to say it was delicious. 
  • For dessert, we headed to Peninsula Grill (a famous and very old-school Charleston restaurant) for their iconic coconut cake. We had a slice for every two people - the girls drank champagne, the guys drank cognac, and we tried to act like adults but were really giddy and giggly. Dad had to keep us in line as we grew louder and louder. 
  • We came back to the hotel and played what has become a staple of family game night - a game I'd like to tell you about right now: 
  1. It's called Telephone Pictionary, and here's how you play. 
  2. Start with a stack of small sheets of paper - there should be one sheet for every player in your group. 
  3. On the top sheet of paper, you write a phrase. It can be anything - the more nonsensical, the better. For example, one of mine was, "Mom tries to wink" (we'd been trying to teach her how to wink on this trip to hilarious failure). 
  4. You then pass your entire stack, not just the top sheet, to the person to your left -- the person to your right passes their entire stack to you.
  5. The clock is set for one minute. You read the phrase on the top sheet, then move that sheet to the bottom of the pile. You then have one minute to draw a depiction of whatever that person's phrase was - in this case, Emily had to draw, "Mom tries to wink." You can't use words - only pictures. 
  6. After a minute, the whole stack gets passed again -- only this time, the next person has to write a description of the drawing they received. 
  7. And so on and so forth, until your stack makes it back to you. The best part is the end, where you get to reveal what you actually wrote and how convoluted and strange it got by the end. I can guarantee that you will die laughing every time. 
  • Part II tomorrow - we head to Kiawah! 

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*Puts on best Billy Mays/Informercial voice:*

ARE YOU SICK OF RECEIVING E-MAILS FROM LISTS YOU NEVER SIGNED UP FOR? 

IS YOUR INBOX CLUTTERED AND FULL OF GARBAGE? 

ARE YOU OVERWHELMED BY HOW MANY TIMES YOU CLICK "UNSUBSCRIBE"  A DAY? 

THEN I HAVE THE PRODUCT FOR YOU! 

But seriously, I do. 

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Unroll Me works like this: you give it third party access to your e-mail, and it scans every e-mail you've ever gotten. Every. Single. One. For me, since I got my Gmail account when I was 14, that was about 9,500 e-mails. (I'm a saver, not a deleter, okay? Shut up.) 

After it's scanned through them, Unroll Me identifies all of your "subscription" e-mails. All that means is that if the sender is an organization or company, rather than an individual, Unroll Me will recognize that. 

It then places all your subscription e-mails in alphabetical order and lets you decide what you'd like to do with them. You have three options for each: Add to Rollup, Unsubscribe, and Keep in Inbox.

(This is not from my Inbox, just a dummy image I found. I don't know James Willard, I'm afraid.) 

(This is not from my Inbox, just a dummy image I found. I don't know James Willard, I'm afraid.) 

Unsubscribe: If you tell Unroll Me to unsubscribe from a newsletter or listserv, you will NEVER HEAR FROM THAT PERSON/COMPANY AGAIN. It's the most magical thing of all time. To date, I have unsubscribed from 314 e-mails. 

...did you hear me? Three hundred and fourteen. Holy. COW. That's 314 e-mails that would've been in my inbox otherwise. 

Add to Rollup: If you choose this option, Unroll Me adds that particular e-mail to a daily newsletter you receive in your inbox. All your "Rollup" e-mails will come to you in one, nice, neat package - instead of in seven separate e-mails like they would have before. You can see all the headlines of the e-mails right away instead of clicking on them individually. It's aesthetically and organizationally delightful. (Below is my newsletter from yesterday.) 

Keep in Inbox: This option allows you to keep those e-mail in your inbox just as you would any other e-mail. For example - I like to keep my notifications from any doctor's office or bank in my inbox, rather than adding it to my daily rollup. I use my daily rollup for things like retail - that way, nothing gets missed! 

"But Mary Catherine, what happens when I inevitably get signed up for new e-mail subscriptions??" 

Glad you asked. 

You will notice, inside my perfectly drawn red circle, that at the top of each day's rollup, Unroll Me provides a new list of e-mails it has recognized as "subscription" e-mails. Every day, you get the opportunity to go back in and choose what you'd like to do with the new e-mails you're getting - unsubscribe, keep them in your inbox, or add them to your rollup. 

It is the most satisfying thing. It's like the technological equivalent of this GIF:

...did I mention the whole 314 e-mails thing yet? I did? Okay. Just checking. 314 e-mails is a lot of e-mails, people. 

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Disclaimer: This post is not in any way sponsored by Unroll.Me; all opinions are my own. 

Grease. Or, Not Washing My Hair Every Day.

Man, oh man, have I had an embarrassment of riches this week. First, Jordan took over the blog with his epic rafting/Deliverance taleand now my precious friend Mary Frances is taking over to tell a slightly less adventurous, but equally as harrowing, tale. I bet most women who read this blog will relate: the process of training your hair to not be washed every day. 

Since the pictures of her in this blog post are...we'll say "less than flattering," I pulled some pictures from her website so you can see how adorable she is (and how adorable her dog, Porter, is. I mean, COME ON with that). 

Mary Frances is a jewelry designer whose studio is in West Asheville (visit her incredible website here). Jordan and I met she and her boyfriend, Hobbs, at church one Sunday. Since then, Fran (as she's called by the cool kids) and I have bonded through our three-times-a-week Pure Barre dates. One day a couple of weeks ago, a few of the PB girls were discussing hair care regimens. I'll let her take it from here. 

-------

I wash my hair every day, or at least every time I shower. Apparently it’s not good for your hair. At my last haircut, the stylist gave me a big “shame on you” speech about how I shouldn’t. What.Ever. Sometimes I skip a day, but honestly, it’s rare. Unless I’m camping or without access to a shower, these locks get shampooed almost every single day. I have pretty thick hair, or so I think, so you’d think it wouldn't get greasy easily - well, you’d be wrong.

For a while now (okay, like, a week), Mary Catherine and a friend at Pure Barre have been telling me that they wash their hair just a couple times a week. So, I decided to try it. I washed my hair the night before “Day 1” began.

Day 1. 

7:30 AM - Hear alarm go off. Look at the clock and realize it’s too late to get up, get dressed, pour coffee, feed the dog, take said dog to daycare, and get to Pure Barre by the 8:30 class. Look at PB app and see Mary Catherine is teaching the 9:45 class. Book it and roll back over.

9:40AM - Get to Pure Barre.

10:00AM - In the middle of plank position, remember what MC and I had talked about last week. Decide today’s the day I’m going to try it - I won't wash my hair every day this week. I figure, I’ve got nothing to do this week, so why not? I mean, let’s be real, I work for myself, usually from home - who do I have to impress?

12:00PM- Take a shower post-PB. Stand there wondering what the heck I’m supposed to do in here if I can’t wash my hair. Wash my body twice for good measure.

12:46PM - Text MC asking what she suggests I do in the shower since I can’t wash my hair. She tells me to stand there unmoving and then buy dry shampoo.

4:40PM - Feel my hair that I decided to air dry and notice that it’s still not dry. Text MC again.

5:00PM - Pick up dog from daycare and discover that he somehow has gotten some poop on his back. Remember that Porter only shampoos his hair when he gets groomed, which is only every 6 weeks, and his hair is angel soft. Thinking more and more about how that stylist may have been right. Consider bathing Porter when we get home to remove said poop. Remember that we just moved into an apartment that is mostly carpeted and decide against it. 

5:15PM - Get home and use baby wipes leftover from my niece’s visit a few weeks ago to wipe away poop (it was just a tiny bit, I swear!). Decide beyond a doubt that Porter will not sleep in the bed with me tonight.

10:50PM - Look at hair one more time in the mirror. Decide that tomorrow, I'll dry my hair post-shower rather than air dry and see if it makes a difference.

11:00PM -Throw hair on top of my head. Snug with Porter in bed.

Day 2. Woof. 

7:30AM - Wake up raring to go. Snug the pup one last time before getting up and dressed for the 8:30 PB class.

7:45AM - Check hair in the mirror. Notice “cute” top knot from previous night has turned into a top knot mullet. Take hair down to brush + redo for PB and see large crease in hair a few inches from my forehead. Cringe. Throw hair back up in top knot.

8:45AM - Midway through plank, remember I’m not allowed to wash my hair in my post-workout shower. Cringe again.

10:00AM - Go to “Luke’s” with Mary Catherine.

11:00AM - Get home, ready to shower.

11:25AM - Lay on the floor with Porter remembering that he only washes his hair every 6 weeks. Try to convince myself that this is actually a good idea. 

11:45AM - Turn the shower on and get a little sad remembering that I’m not allowed to wash my hair again. Consider doing it anyway because #yolo.

11:47AM - Get in shower and decide against the shampoo. Stand under the water wondering, once again, how people who don’t wash their hair every day waste the appropriate amount of time in the shower.

11:52AM - Get out. Kidding - I stood, unmoving, under the hot water for at least 10 minutes.

12:15PM - Begin drying hair. Get halfway through and realize that it’s not drying. Oh, right. Grease. Throw it back up in a top knot, half dry and all.

12:17PM - Notice hat in the corner of room and decide that should I choose to go in public today, that hat will most certainly be on my head.

12:30PM - Consider buying dry shampoo. Forget and go to work.

12:45PM - Get to work and remember I forgot the hat. Hope I don’t see anyone I know today.

4:45PM - Feel face and realize that not only is my hair greasy, but somehow my face is as well. Remember I washed my face in the shower this morning. Consider if it’s possible that grease from hair has traveled.

5:30PM - Get home, see roommate, hope she doesn’t notice the greaseball on top of my head.

10:15PM - Examine hair one last time before confirming that tomorrow will be the day I stop this nonsense. Remember that dry shampoo was supposed to be a key element in this experiment. Forget about it and go to bed.

 

Day 3 - Shampoo Day. Holler. 

7:30AM - Wake up, look in mirror, see greasy top knot mullet, and wonder if it’s weird to shower before a workout class. Decide that yes, that would most certainly be weird.     

8:30AM - Get to Pure Barre. Sit next to a woman who tell me she just ate a donut before class. Make a mental note to be this woman’s friend.

9:15AM - In the middle of plank (when apparently I do all my serious life-contemplation) remember that today I get to wash my hair. Smile. Then fall out of plank and go back to my huffing and puffing until class ends.

10:00AM - Race home. Take a quick pic of my greasy hair for all you dear readers.

10:02AM - Jump in the shower. Wash, rinse, repeat* for approximately 20 minutes while dancing and singing aloud to Leon Bridges, confirming that this is 100% worth a second noise violation from my overly finicky downstairs neighbor.

*I understand the whole wash rinse repeat thing is a huge marketing ploy to get oblivious consumers to use up their shampoo supply quicker therefore having to buy it more often. #what.ever. I am their ideal consumer.

10:15AM - Brush hair and realize it still feels a little greasy. Understand that it may take a few days of going back to my wasteful hair-washing-every-day routine for said hair to lose all grease.

11:58AM - Finish writing blog post and come to the conclusion that washing my hair only a few times a week is not the life for me. I'll leave it to the rest of Asheville’s hippie population. Though maybe next time I’ll actually buy the dry shampoo. 

The end. 

A Miracle Product for Dogs.

Our sweet little puppy has a bit of an anxiety problem these days. 

If you've ever met Tom Hanks, you know he is the chillest and the illest. At this point, we have probably taken a few dozen different pictures of him asleep in various positions, locations, and places in our house. If we're here, he is mostly cool as a cucumber. 

Recently, though, I've started working a bit more (hey, Pure Barre! Woo hoo!) and because of that, both Jordan and I have been spending more time away from our house. Last year, TH went from being kept in a crate while we were gone to having full reign of the house. He does really well with that - doesn't chew up or destroy anything - but we have noticed that he's started chewing hot spots into his poor little legs. He'll start chewing these hot spots while we're gone, but these days he keeps chewing on them even when we're home.  

We called our vet to ask her advice, and she recommended a product that they actually use in the vet's office. 

Enter: Comfort Zone. 

Comfort Zone is a diffuser that releases a pheromone they call Adaptil. Adaptil mimics the Dog Appeasing Pheromone (DAP) that nursing moms release to calm their puppies. To use it, you simply plug it in. The rest is done for you. The scent is imperceptible to humans, but I am here to TESTIFY that it works for dogs. 

No joke - literally within minutes of plugging these diffusers in, Tom Hanks had a noticeably calmer demeanor. We have not seen or heard him scratching, chewing, or restlessly gnawing at his paws or hot spots - not even once - since we plugged these in. I am completely bowled over by these results. We have two downstairs - one in our bedroom and one in the dining room. Probably overkill, since they work for up to 500 square feet. One cartridge works for 30 days, and the plug-ins are good for up to 6 months. 

Mere minutes after the diffuser was plugged in.

Mere minutes after the diffuser was plugged in.

My disclaimer is that TH is already a pretty calm dog - he just needed a little push over the edge into Chill Town while we were gone. If your dog struggles with aggression or behavioral issues, this may not be the product you're looking for. 

But if your dog is skittish toward, barks at noises outside, or has separation anxiety (like our little fella), this may be a life-saver. 

I ordered mine on Amazon at this link

Thanks, Comfort Zone! We love you! 

This post is not sponsored - it's just that good a product. 

My First Camping Trip, Part I.

I SURVIVED. 

Big, bold headline to start. 

I am also VERY thankful that I had not seen Deliverance prior to this trip. Although I did immediately come home and stream it on Netflix, which was probably a poor choice for future camping trips. 

You may have read last Friday that I was striking out with Jordan, Parker (my brother) and Emily (his girlfriend) on my first-ever camping trip. So much fun, so many stories. So I'll give you a play-by-play of the weekend. 

  • We depart about two hours late because Jordan had a work emergency. 
  • As we're driving, it starts to rain. So we're late and it's raining, and because we're late, we have no idea whether or not there will actually be a campsite, since you can't reserve them in advance. 
  • Jordan is a little flustered and misses our turn, so we end up driving about 4 hours instead of what would've been 3. 
  • Off to a good start.
  • Jordan had planned to arrive around 4 so that we had plenty of daylight to "make camp," which is a thing outdoorsy people say to mean "put up a tent and build a fire." 
  • Instead, we have about 10 minutes of low-level daylight left when we get to the site at about 8 PM, so Jordan deftly assembles the tent with a little help from me, then gets to work on the fire. 
  • I start to gather firewood (small sticks, medium stick, and larger logs, as I'm instructed) and immediately discover two woodland creatures living by our campsite: a giant frog and a teeny tiny garter snake. 
  • Instead of losing it re: seeing a snake, I cover my total panic by stating, "SNAKE," in a very loud, clear voice. I knew upon seeing it that it was a garter snake, but it was still two tiny, shiny eyes staring at me from within the bowels of a dead tree stump. 
  • I pick up a log and five GIANT daddy longlegs crawl off of it. 
  • I also discover with horror that the last people to use the campsite decided to use the facilities, i.e. POOP, in the middle of the dirt road leading to where we pitched our tent. 
  • Human. Poop. 
  • Their toilet paper, which also should have been disposed of, is sitting in a crumpled pile next to the HUMAN POOP. 
  • We avoid it all weekend. 
  • Jordan grabs his headlamp and starts a fire using the few scraps of wood that I gathered (and dry, because it also rained while we were driving out there - yikes).
  • Because it is SO DARK, he also has to turn the headlights of the Jeep on in order to have something to see by. 
Why yes, it was dark as hell. 

Why yes, it was dark as hell. 

  • Having never been camping before, I was trying to talk myself out of being freaked out. The dark is not my favorite thing, particularly unfamiliar dark. Add "outdoor" to the unfamiliar darkness, and it's basically my own special little horror movie. 
  • To keep myself from being scared, I nervously chatter to Jordan. "Wow. This fire is impressive. Seriously! How did you learn to do that? Well, you're good at it. I feel so protected! Also, cute shirt. Did I get you that shirt? I can't remember. Blue looks good on you, though. You should wear more blue. I love you! What are you thinking about?? Do you miss Tom Hanks?" 
  • #myhusbandisasaint
  • Eventually, we got the fire going. I remembered that I actually know how to make/stoke a fire from my childhood home's wood burning fireplace, so I help Jordan and actually do a pretty damn good job taking our fire from small to medium. 
Look at me go! 

Look at me go! 

  • Parker and Emily were driving in from Nashville, so Jordan and I had a couple of hours to ourselves, we decided to make dinner using the MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat) we bought. 
  • I had a penne with marinara, Jordan had something called Chili Mac. ...mmm. 
  • I am sad to report that Jordan's was absolutely better than mine. Like, not even close. Mine tasted like what I would imagine shards of fiberglass soaked in unseasoned water would taste like. 
  • Jordan's, though the name was MUCH grosser, tasted like what I expected - not great, but definitely not terrible. He shared with me. 
  • Emily and P rolled in at about 10:45 and we got the party ROLLING! 
They were in color in person.

They were in color in person.

  • They'd already eaten, so we toured them around the campsite (included the HUMAN POOP), they set up their tent, and we cooked some marshmallows. 
  • After some catching up and giggles, we all headed to bed to get good rest for the day ahead. 
  • We piled into our tents. Jordan's and my tent is mesh at the top, so we could see the stars We could also see the moon, which happened to be a full one that night and VERY bright. 
  • I felt stupid complaining about it, but the moon was so bright that it was as though a giant lamp was being held over my face as I slept. While Jordan slept peacefully, I flipped around in the tent all night like a fish.
  • I started with my head in one direction, then flipped so my head was at Jordan's feet to try to find some SHADE FROM THE MOON (yep, that's a real thing). 
  • At one point in the night, we hear a gunshot in the distance. I am convinced that someone is going to come shoot us to death and that I will wake up to a crazy mountain man's face grinning wildly through the mesh ceiling before he puts me out of my misery. 
  • The murderer does not show up, though several trucks drive by around 3 AM. With each passing car, I shoot up straight in my sleeping back and prepare for battle. 
  • They keep driving. 
  • I jam up my shoulder a little bit trying to sleep on my side, but it's worth it. I finally fall into a deep sleep for three hours or so, until we were all gently awoken by the sweet sounds of the crow:
  • Jordan and I got up a little ahead of P and E and got "ready" for the day. That entailed wiping down with some baby wipes, changing clothes, and brushing our teeth over the little river flowing behind our campsite. 
  • Once I was able to see everything in the daylight, I started to really appreciate where we were. Though the night had been a little sleepless, the area we had chosen was gorgeous and secluded, and it started to be exciting that we were really fending for ourselves out here.
  • Jordan got started on coffee while I started setting things out for breakfast burritos. 
  • When Parker did wake up (last, of course), he immediately asked for a marshmallow. And so his trail name was born = MARSHMALLOW. 
  • Once the whole gang was up and moving, Emily and I started preparing the potatoes and sausage for our burritos, while Parker started what would become an hours-long odyssey to start a fire with a fire-starter he'd bought at an outdoor store.
  • For anyone going on any future group camping trips, I can't recommend our breakfast highly enough. Let me just include this recipe really quick: 

One-Skillet Breakfast Burritos - AKA Camp Food: 

1 package of Andouille sausage
Carton of eggs
1 ziplock bag of chopped peppers and onions
2 russet potatoes
Salt and pepper to taste
Cheddar cheese
Small tortillas

Crumble and cook the sausage while chopping the potatoes into consistent pieces. Add the potatoes to the sausage mixture and let them soften. Crack 6 eggs right into the pan and scramble the mixture together. When you're ready to serve, add chopped peppers and onions. Lay tortillas on a flat surface, scoop the sausage mixture in, and top with cheese which will melt upon sprinkling. PERFECT camping meal! 

  • Then we sat around, drinking coffee/tea and and hanging out for a while as Parker continued to work on starting a fire.  
  • Jordan made him what's called a "featherstick," and is supposed to be helpful. 
  • It turns out, starting a fire without a lighter is pretty challenging. 
  • I snuck off to go to the bathroom, i.e. tee tee in the woods, and was of course, immediately caught by a passing car. #classic 
  • After our breakfast pans were cleaned, we finished the coffee and started getting ready to go rafting on the Ocoee. 
  • We piled in the car and drove to Ducktown, which was about 15 minutes from our site. Ducktown is exactly as you would picture it: very small, very rural, lots of ducks.
  • (Just kidding about the ducks.) 
  • We get AMPED for rafting - I am the only one on our trip who's never been, and I am extremely excited. 
Emily, I know you're going to kill me, but this picture is way too funny not to share. 

Emily, I know you're going to kill me, but this picture is way too funny not to share. 

  • We get geared up - vests, helmets, and paddles - and board the bus for our river adventure. 

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2! Spoiler alert: 

 

 

 

 

Emmy 2016: Fetch or Wretch?

It's that time of the week. Let's recap a night full of, as Amy Poehler once put it, the rat-faced people of television! 

Can I just say something before we start? I saw this headline today: "Amy Schumer Shut Down the Sexist Question, 'Who are you wearing?' Once and For All!" 

Mmkay. 

First of all, what Amy actually said was who she was wearing, she just happened to make a joke about how she was also wearing an OB tampon. #classicamy 

It really bothers me that the question, "Who are you wearing?" is being deemed as sexist. Y'all, these celebrities don't own any of these clothes. These gowns were loaned or were custom-made for them by design houses as a means of promotion. When Kerry Washington steps on the red carpet looking FIERCE AS HELL (we'll get to that in a minute), she's a walking advertisement for Brandon Maxwell. It's not sexist to ask women what designer has created the look they're wearing - it IS sexist to ONLY ask them about that. 

Whew. I feel better. Okay. Let's get to judgin'. 

FETCH. 

1. Felicity Huffman

Girl, I don't know whatcha man is wearing, but you look great. This is simple, understated, well-fitted - hair and makeup are on point. I also love her, which never hurts. 

2. Padma Lakshmi

I mean, it's Padma in a skin-tight, slinky, silver, sequined gown. Do I really need to say more? Fit is fabulous and she looks super striking. 

3. Priyanka Chopra

The actual definition of "feeling myself." Priyanka is such a knockout 100% of the time, but everything about this look makes me want to applaud. That color on her is to die for, and she clearly  l o v e s  how she looks in it, which makes it that much better. She was twirling all night, including when she came out on stage to present an award. You go, Priyanka. 

4. Kristen Bell

Beautiful. My only quibble here is that the makeup could've been a touch more punchy, just so everything wasn't quite so beige, but that dress is SUPER fabulous and really unusual. I love that all four dresses featured so far are totally different, which just goes to show - it's not about fitting into a mold, it's about finding what works for you. 

5. Emilia Clarke

That fit. WOW. She looks like she was poured into that dress, and I mean that in the best way. Totally beautiful. Again, could've punched up the makeup, but I love that she kept her hair back so that all you see is dressdressdress. 

6. Kate McKinnon

Jordan's girlfriend Kate doesn't always get it right, but she really nailed it last night. Sure, there are some minor fit issues around her waist, but overall, that dress reads as lovely. She is glowing, which, once again, makes a huge difference. And she won! Love her so. 

7. Tina Fey

So really I have a couple of bones to pick here, but I loooooove this color and love that Tina knows what works: her tiny, not-a-real-human waist is showcased. It does read as a little "bathing suit cover-up" if you're not careful...man, I don't know anymore. I may have just talked myself out of this being Fetch. Let's move on. 

8. Sarah Paulson

I waffled a little on this, but ultimately, this dress is pretty spectacular. The craftsmanship of the dress alone is pretty incredible, but when you pair it with Sarah Paulson, who I find to be particularly fabulous, it really sings. Perfect color on her. Not completely in love with the plunging neckline, but whatever. More than anything, this was a great night for her because DAMN did she ever deserve that win. If you haven't seen American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson, you need to RUN, not walk, to your computer and start. It's worth every second, and its cast (rightly) cleaned house last night. Watching Marcia Clark get absolved on stage by Sarah Paulson was tear-jerking. 

Now, for a declaration.

The winner of the night: 

Kerry "Slay All Day" Washington!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the Fetchest of them all? KERRY KERRY KERRY. 

I mean, come ON, right?? Every angle, every photo, everyTHING about this look is so fierce it's almost hard to look at directly. I can't even form a full sentence so here are some fragments: pregnant. Glowing. Natural hair. Goddess. Perfect skin. Cutouts. Fit. 

She is not of this world and we are lucky to behold her. 

Le sigh. Soak up Kerry, because now it's time to rot your corneas with these MESSES. 

WRETCH. 

1. Sarah Hyland. 

Sarah's dress got caught in the limo door on the way here, so she borrowed a friend's workout leggings to make do. Really, though, it's pretty terrible. I understand the idea, but everything about it is aging and unflattering, from where the bodice hits her midsection to the two giant, floppy dog ears she's wearing as a skirt. It's not good, girl. Reconsider. 

2. Giuliana Rancic

Giuliana looks like a small mammal who got caught in a wind tunnel outside a bridal salon. She is tangled up in that tulle and she can't get out. SOMEBODY HELP. 

3. Sofia Vergara

I know I know, I said that thing about knowing what works, but y'all - it's just tired. She wears the same tight, bustier, corset-backed, ass-featuring dress to every event. Come on, Sofia. You're gorg. Find something else. 

5. Gabby Hoffman

This isn't really fair, but I can't get Gabby's character on Girls (has long underarm hair, takes baths in front of her brother) out of my head when looking at her. Know your audience, Gabby. This men's shirt is just not cutting it. 

6. Alia Shawkat

Oh - sorry! The barbeque is down the street. No, you're totally fine - happens all the time! You can leave your heels here and grab some flip flops from the basket at the back door. Thanks! 

7Michelle Dockery

Hot take, I know. Listen, the overall look is gorgeous. The level of formality is exactly right, she's perfectly accessorized, her head styling is on point. This is a personal preference. I reeeeeeeeeeally don't love tiered (or pick-up, for that matter) skirts. But what's bugging even more about this dress is the two little boob ruffles. Each breast looks like a hooded head. Not my thing. Sorry, Michelle. Love you though. 

8. Aziz Ansari

This is what you should look like at the end of the night, not the beginning. Not here for the tie-less look. Also, those pants are too tight. ...I feel bad, because I love Aziz so much, but it's true. 

And the Wretchest goes to...

Anna Chlumsky! 

*needle scratch*

Um...what?? 

My Girl has been playing dress up in her grandmother's trunk. Tonight, she's wearing a brocade quilt she found. The little ring of elastic around the hem of the skirt was her favorite touch, because she did that herself with her own sewing machine. It says, "I'm here to look classy, but if I need to drop at low at the after-party, this skirt gives me the freedom to do so." 

Wince. 

You know JLD personally, right?? Take some style tips from her. And ask her what her skincare regimen is because THA BITCH DOESN'T AGE.