Fetch or Wretch? Golden Globes 2017.

PLUNGING NECKLINES! 

...sorry, reflex. In case you missed it, there were about 50 of them last night. 

Let's get right to it, shall we? 

Fetch. 

Evan Rachel Wood. 

I will always be wild about a well-fitted suit or jumpsuit on a woman. She is slaying this and I want to borrow it. Mmkay, ERW? But leave that freaky robot personality at home. Thanks. 

Lily Collins

This isn't something I would choose, but she is wearing the hell out of it. I'm realizing that this "lots of lace, frippery, maybe-looks-like-someone's-drapes" trend is really kind of everywhere this year, so I'm embracing it. With bad head styling, this could've been dated and terrible. But it wasn't. 

Annette Bening

I mean she just looks damn good. 57 years old and, radiant, statuesque. Get it, girl. 

Emma Stone

Again, not something I would've chosen, but it works perfectly on an actress who's selling a movie-musical about a whimsical fantasy world. Emma Stone is just off-beat enough to pull this off. Though I'm not wild about the color. 

Janelle Monae

Okay, okay, I know, hot take. I just think this is SO FABULOUS and super fun. It's kooky, yes, but it's also perfectly styled and perfectly her. Even her toenails are black and white! Get outta here! I love it. It's okay to hate it. But I love it. 

Viola Davis

LOTS of canary yellow on the red carpet last night, but this was my favorite. This is the epitome of "BAM." Everything about Viola Davis makes me want to sit at her feet and learn her ways, but this look is particularly powerful. You can't miss her, and thank God. 

Reese Witherspoon

Certainly not as striking as Viola, but this is a case study in doing it right. Every single detail - hair, makeup, jewelry, the fit of the dress - is perfectly tuned. Werk that old Hollywood glam, Reese! 

Natalie Portman

The last of the bright yellows, Natalie serves up some serious Jackie Kennedy realness. And who doesn't need that? Also, SHE'S PREGNANT. So, yeah. She wins. 

Naomie Harris

Just plan gorgeousness. Doesn't get any better. Not in love with the plunging neckline proportionally, but everything else is pretty freakin' on point. 

Honorable Mention Fetch: 

Mandy Moore

It's pretty fabulous, don't get me wrong. That neckline is just a SKOSH too wide and too deep for me. I don't know what it is, but it's making my eyes bleed. Everything else is so lovely - 70's vibes with the hair, the dress, the makeup...could also be that I have a pre-existing prejudice against Mandy because in the early aughts she BUGGED SO MUCH. 

Sarah Paulson

Dressing like the award she eventually won. It's not my favorite dress I've seen her in, but I love this lady too much to leave her out. Get it, Sarah Paulson, you fabulous creature. You earned it.

...but enough with the pretty. Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here today to discuss the 

Wretch. 

Anna Kendrick

Oh, Anna Kendrick, how I wish you had not worn this. This dress, along with some unfortunate posing, gives the illusion that Anna is a mannequin who was assembled incorrectly. Her legs are facing square to the camera, her torso is turned to the side, and her head is facing back at us. Third graders across the country should study this photo as one of those Magic Eye images. This was so close to being good, but just...wasn't. 

Nicole Kidman

Shhhh. Nobody scare her. Everyone stand still. Nicole? (I'll handle it, she spooks easily.) Nicole, honey? Hey, it's okay, girl! It's okay. Shhhhh. I've got ya. I'm just gonna walk you over here into this limo and send you home, and when you wake up, this will all seem like a bad dream. 

Really, though, WHAT is happening. Free association with this dress: glitter baby shredder saloon STOP IT WITH THE NAKED DRESSES. 

Priyanka Chopra

8 pounds of makeup, a dress that is going to cause millions of "Is Priyanka Chopra pregnant" searches, and squished boobs. Girl, ya done missed the mark. 

SJP

I can't talk about this for reasons of loyalty, but for the sake of impartiality I had to include it. Anyway, next. 

Sophie Turner

Sad boobs. Right? Wasn't that your first thought? Asymmetry + droopy lines = sad. I cannot wait for this sheer dress trend to die. Why won't it die?? It's like the Hydra in Hercules - we manage to wrangle one sheer dress and three more pop up in its place. 

Sofia Vergara

Anna Chlumsky

I have a running theory that Anna Chlumsky has offended every gay man in Hollywood somehow, because I have yet to see her show up to an awards show looking her best. Everything about this, from the slick ponytail down to the chunky black peep-toes, is so terribly unfortunate. But I was always taught to say something nice instead of something mean, so...the color goes really well with the plants in the background? 

Blake Lively

I see where she was trying to go, but this is such an aging look. She looks like Elizabeth Taylor: The Later Years. You can do better than that, Blake. 

Carly Steel

I have absolutely no idea who this is, but WOW WOW WOW. Wow. I liked free association last time, so let's try it again: 

Bump-it, snake-neck, babyheads, mother of the bride. 

Fun! 

Felicity Jones

Just so I'm clear, are those ruffles at the top and on the sleeves sewn on/not real? I think so. And the ones at the bottom that look like sad little black palm trees. TOO MUCH. When did Toddlers and Tiaras become a design motif? BOWS! FRILLS! LACE! SMILE AT THE CAMERA HONEY! NOD YOUR HEAD! NOW DO A POUTY FACE AND WAG YOUR FINGER AT THE JUDGES! 

Chrissy Metz

Let me be clear RIGHT upfront that this has nothing to do with Chrissy and everything to do with Christian Siriano, who designed this look. Listen, I gotta give it up for my boy Christian Siriano, who I LOVE: he has taken on the clients that other designers are too snooty for. When Leslie Jones complained that no high-level designer had offered her any gowns for the Ghostbusters premiere, Christian Siriano stepped up and designed for her. He loves "non-traditional" body types. But this is a design failure. Instead of highlighting Chrissy's assets, Christian made her look like a frumpy purple rectangle. Disappointing. 

UPDATE: It seems that, though this was billed as a Christian Siriano, it wasn't. Apparently he'd designed two custom gowns for her, and she chose to wear another designer's dress at the last minute. Whew. That's a relief. Sorry, Christian! Your track record is still sparkling. 

...and now for the very WORST. Worst worst worst. Worst. Can't even believe it happened. 

THE WRETCHEST OF THEM ALL...

CUBA GOODING, JR.! 

What what WHAT ARE YOU DOING. 

Is that your son's suit? 
Did you have a romp with someone and accidentally switched jackets with her in the backseat of the limo? 
Did you spill wine on your coat and had to trade with your doorman who is also a little person? 
Are you trying to raise awareness for some group of people whose clothes don't fit? 

Truly awful. 

But let's leave on a happy note, shall we? 

...close enough.

5 Shows I Started, 4 I Dropped

Jordan and I made the decision when we got married to opt out of having cable. We have Netflix, Hulu, and HBO, and we feel like we have access to everything we need to watch. Here in the age of instant streaming, it's easy for me to sit down in front of the computer and mindlessly watch something for hours. But I'm resolved not to do that this year, and I've been slowly paring down my television choices so that they're more intentional. 

Don't worry - I'm still watching The Bachelor. God help us. 

So, beginning with the shows I stopped watching: 

Narcos

Available on Netflix.

I don't have a grand explanation for this choice besides that season two of Narcos just didn't grab me in the same way that the first season did. S1 of this Netflix original was so compelling and watchable, albeit violent and sometimes a little upsetting. The acting was fantastic and, as someone who is only peripherally familiar with the story of Pablo Escobar, it was compelling and kept me on the edge of my seat. But S2E1 just didn't deliver. We watched an episode when the new season dropped and then genuinely forgot about it. Maybe we'll return sometime in 2017, but I doubt it. 

Bloodline

Available on Netflix.

This was another great, promising Netflix original whose second season just missed the mark. Bloodline, though, was different - I actively disliked this second season, rather than being just ambivalent about it, as with Narcos. SPOILERS AHEAD - At the end of S1, Danny Rayburn, arguably the most interesting character, is murdered by his siblings. S2 was so overwrought and dark as the remaining Rayburn children try to cover their crime - it was all drama furrowed brows and no substance. Pass.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians

I don't even know what channel this comes on. 

Well, I finally did it. As a latecomer to KUWTK (I started watching 2 years ago), this was easy to give up. I made a decision last year that I wasn't going to support anything to do with the Kardashian/West clan, including clicking on random Buzzfeed articles written about them or reading their tweets. I unfollowed them on Instagram, and this was the last piece of the puzzle. Because I can only vote with my choices, right? Either way, as the drama has gotten even more ridiculous than usual, I have never been happier to NOT be Keeping Up. 

unREAL

Available on Lifetime.

This was the most disappointing for me. unREAL was a brilliantly conceived show, designed as a mock-The Bachelor and created by a former assistant director of ABC's juggernaut reality series. While the first season was twisted, edgy, and definitely pushed the boundaries, the second season did all that and more, except with the first Black "suitor" (AKA bachelor) at the helm. SPOILERS AHEAD: the season ended with a police shootout between the Black contestant and his manager, who is also Black. unREAL may be a dark satire, but this was all too real and made viewers across the nation say, "Too soon." I appreciate what they were trying to do in the way of relevant and timely social commentary, but they had plenty of juicy subject matter (feminism, how women are treated in positions of power, what The Bachelor says about its viewers, what people are willing to do for fame) without dipping their toes into this particular pool. I'm not arguing those issues shouldn't be brought to light; I am arguing that dropping them in as a sensationalist plot point on a show about reality television is in poor taste. So sad to bid adieu to this show whose first season I was wild about. 

Moving on to shows I've picked up this year: 

Black Mirror

Available on Netflix.

Black Mirror and I have a complicated relationship. Unlike many Netflix shows, it's not binge-able. I watch one episode every two weeks or so. After turning the S1E1 off mid-episode because I was so horrified, I was reticent to give it another shot; I'm so glad I did. Since then, I've only watched two episodes - S3E1 starring Bryce Dallas Howard and S3E4, titled San Junipero. This cutting edge imagination of a not-too-distant future will pull you in, make you think, and challenge the way you see the world. Because it's a mini-series, you can watch each episode without having seen any before or after. It really is a beautifully shot, well-acted, INCREDIBLY written show. Give it a shot. 

Fargo

Available on Hulu.

And I've only seen one season. Jordan and I watched Billy Bob Thornton's season of this show on Hulu and were basically riveted to the television. An adaptation of the Coen brothers' movie of the same name, this show is show in film quality and you'll forget you're watching TV. I don't want to say too much in the way of describing it to save the fabulous plot for you, but trust me - this one's a must. 

Westworld

Available on HBO.

Okay okay, so I haven't technically started this one yet. But all my smartest friends are in love with it, and Jordan and I plan to start next week. So it kind of counts, right? 

Divorce

Available on HBO.

If you know anything about me, you know that SJP is my icon in all things. This new HBO show starring SJP and Thomas Hayden Church (who I remember best from George of the Jungle as Lyle - where are my 90's kids at?) explores the story of a couple navigating a divorce in all its stages; politeness, acceptance, revelation, honesty, catharsis, rage, ambivalence. I'm not totally sold on it, but I'm going to keep watching it because #SJP. I'll at least give it another season. 

This Is Us

Available on Hulu.

DAMN YOU, THIS IS US. I had a friend text me a few months back and insist that I start watching this show. I told her that I was giving up crappy TV for the most part, and she told me that was an unacceptable answer and I had to at least give it one episode. So did, and now I'm 100% in. This Is Us feels like one of those shows that is too good to be true and will lose its magic after the first season, but I'm going to be there to see it because I am TOTALLY HOOKED. I don't want to say too much, but watch the first episode all the way through and if you're not intrigued, I'll pay you $10. Plus we get to watch hottie HOT Milo Ventimiglia (Jess from Gilmore Girls) and the brilliant Sterling K. Brown (who wowed me in American Crime Story: The People vs. OJ Simpson).

---

SO.What about you? What TV have you bailed on, what are you still watching, and what are you looking to start? 

Gift Guide: For the Chef.

I thought it might be fun to suggest a few gifts for different kinds of people as we approach Christmas. To me, buying for someone who loves to be in the kitchen is not only simple, but really fun. There are so many gadgets and crazy kitchen tools at this point that you'll never run out of options. 

Most of these recommendations are smaller gifts, so I thought they'd group nicely together for kind of a bouquet of kitchen-related gifts! 

1. Food scraper

I use this almost every time I cook for anything from transferring chopped veggies to a pan to scraping the excess biscuit dough off of my cutting board; If you know someone without this, it's a must. Buy it here.   

2. Specialty salt

My mom gave all of us this heirloom salt from a family mine in West Virginia last year in our stockings. We've used it sparingly, so it's still around! Y'all, let me tell you - hand-mind salt just tastes better. It's so nice to have it around when you're hosting a dinner party or just feel like adding a depth of flavor to a weeknight meal. It really does make a difference. Buy it here. 

3. Cast iron skillet

Every cook needs a cast iron skillet. It's a kitchen non-negotiable. They cook evenly, go from your stovetop to your oven seamlessly, and last a lifetime. This 10.25 inch skillet from Lodge Cast Iron is available for $25 - and free shipping! Scoop it up here. 

4. Cheese board

Most people who love to cook also love to host. Having something pretty to put out on the countertop for a little pre-dinner nosh makes all the difference in the world. A polished, pretty cheese board, like this one from Williams Sonoma for $40, is a great gift and starts any party off right.

 5. Chef's knife

Context for this one: when Jordan and I got married, we forgot to register for knives. So for almost three years, I've been using his bachelor-pad knife set that couldn't cut through a sheet of paper. Can't count the number of times I've almost sliced off the tips of my fingers because I was pressing down so hard to chop a potato or an onion. Enter: my new best friend. 

Jordan was so precious and got me a "big girl" knife set for Christmas this year. GAME CHANGER. I immediately ran to the kitchen and chopped a potato - totally different experience. I barely applied pressure and was able to slice the potato so thinly that I could see through the slivers. If you know someone who's using a dated, awful knife set, I can guarantee this will bring them hours and hours of joy and satisfaction.

Happy hunting, friends! 

New York Trip 2016

Every once in a while, I get focused on writing social/entertainment commentary pieces and forget I can sometimes write a post about something totally personal! So here's one of those. 

We went to New York - from the Saturday after Thanksgiving to Wednesday of last week - and had a BALL. Jordan had some continuing education work to do up there, so I got to tag along with his practice. 

I've been fortunate to go to NY many times, but this trip was really different. Every other time I've been, it's been with family or with a group of some sort. This time, though, Jordan spent a lot of the day in his classes, so I had hours and hours to myself. 

It. Was. Heavenly. 

Not because I don't love Jordan, but because I had never gotten to explore the city on my own! Everyone is like this - left to your own devices, you can linger as long as you want in a store, spend as much time reading about something totally weird, and do things like...drive to Carrie's Brownstone and pay homage. 

Not that I did that. (I did that.) 

Our "Secret Single Self" behavior, if you will. 

So I got to do several new things: brunch at Sarabeth's, where I enjoyed 6 uninterrupted chapters of Hillbilly Elegy and lemon ricotta pancakes; wandering through Barney's; a cookie at Magnolia Bakery; writing in Central Park. 

This was also Jordan's first trip to NYC ever, so we did a few things that are NY staples! Here's an onslaught of low-quality iPhone pictures: 

SATURDAY: 

NY Public Library
Natural History Museum
Central Park
Cookshop (dinner)
Milkbar (dessert)

Highlights this day: Jordan's reaction to all things New York was pretty great. The museums/library are always spectacular no matter how many times I see them - beautiful architecture and content.

Dinner that night was at a restaurant in Chelsea called Cookshop, recommended to me by one of my very coolest friends. We sat down at our table and looked over to our right to find that Lea Michele of Glee fame was having dinner next to us. Welcome to New York! 

SUNDAY:

Pilgrimage to Carrie's Brownstone
Le Pain Quotidien (brunch)
Meatball Shop (lunch)
9/11 Memorial and One World Trade Center Observatory (more to come about that in a separate post)
Eataly (dinner)

This was the first morning I had to myself, and I lived. it. UP. I walked to Carrie's Brownstone, which was such a special experience for me as I am an ENORMOUS SJP fan and had never gotten to do this. There were a couple of other very timid fans who were there, so we all kind of quietly took each other's pictures and then went our separate ways. Very strange and wonderful kinship. 

We went to Eataly for dinner and Y'ALL. Holy WOW. It's basically a labyrinth of Italian food. The front part of the space is a specialty market which sells any Italian food you can imagine. They pull their own mozzarella in house. I was dying. We went to La Pizza and La Pasta, which, if you couldn't decipher from the name, serves house-made pasta and pizzas. I basically left my body. It was mind-blowing.  

SUNDAY:

Sarabeth's (brunch)
Walk through Central Park
Walked to and around Chelsea
Phantom of the Opera with the dental practice
Midnight pizza

Sarabeth's was a true delight. On Yelp, several people mentioned that the service was bad or that they were rushed out of their table. That may have been the case for them, but the service I received was second-to-none. These guys were so attentive, without hovering, and I had to ask for the check. I sat and read a ton of my book and just watched all the different kinds of people drift in and out. Heavenly. 

That night, Jordan's practice took everyone to see Phantom of the Opera! I am traditionally not a huge Andrew Lloyd Webber fan, but there is absolutely nothing like being in a theater on Broadway with a live orchestra in the pit. It is really electrifying. The performance was lovely, and, as an extra special cherry on top, the cast announced after curtain call that this was the 12,000th performance of that show. How insane is that?? 

TUESDAY:

Russ and Daughters (brunch) 
NBC Studio tour
Public (dinner with Emily and Kevin!)  

Per another great recommendation, we journeyed to Russ and Daughters, a famous Jewish deli-turned-restaurant, and had our minds blown. If you've never had a real New York bagel, you are missing out, my friend. They are just better. So for brunch, we had matzoh ball soup, latkes, cream cheese and lox and bagels, and raspberry blintzes for dessert. Please just kill me now 'cause I'm dead. 

Afterwards, it was pouring rain, so we decided to do an indoor activity: a tour of NBC studios. I highly recommend it if you ever get the chance. We weren't allowed to take pictures, but we got to tour Jimmy Fallon's studio, Seth Meyer's studio, and (my Holy Grail) the SNL studio. Y'ALL. It is SO MUCH SMALLER in person. So that's probably the only time I'll be in that room in my life. I soaked in every minute. 

The highlight of the trip was getting to have dinner with my great friend from high school, Emily, and her charming boyfriend, Kevin! There's nothing like being in a city full of strangers, only to cap the experience with a long, boozy, laughter-filled dinner with people you already know. 

And yes, I did wear those pants two nights in a row. Sue me, okay? It was New York and I needed to wear my ridiculous crushed velvet wide leg pants a lot of times. ;) 
 

Can't wait until next time! 

The Skimm.

If you don't know about this already, let me blow ya' mind. 

I'm going to list out a few problems, and you tell me if you identify with any of them. Are you: 

Constantly nodding and smiling when your co-workers discuss current events, when, in reality, you have no idea what they're talking about and hoping that no one asks you a follow-up question?
Overwhelmed and saddened by how depressing the evening news is?
Too busy to sit down and read a newspaper? 
Getting your news from Facebook, which has been proven to accidentally run as many fake news stories as real ones? 
Ambivalent about the goings-on of the world, but wish you knew just a little more? 

Mmhmm. I thought so. There's a solution to this. 

theSkimm. 

So a little personal background: 

I really like staying informed, but I'm not someone who reads the newspaper. I was feeling like a sorry excuse for an adult, because I'm also not a news junkie, nor do I follow political blogs or watch CNN at night. So this service, theSkimm, has really changed things for me. 

theSkimm is a newsletter specifically designed for millennial women. It was founded by these two cuties: 

Carly Zakin and Danielle Wesiberg. 

Carly and Danielle started their careers working as producers for NBC News and eventually collaborated to solve all of the above problems. They wanted to make news quick, accessible, and fun to read.

It's called "theSkimm" because it's just that: the equivalent of skimming a major newspaper and getting all the highlights. 

Some of my favorite things about this publication: 

1. It is delivered to my inbox by 7 AM every morning, so no matter how early I'm up, I can read it before I start my day in earnest. 
2. It is a pretty unbiased news source. It doesn't lean terribly left or terribly right. 
3. It reports on issues I care about: a solid mixture of pop culture, sports, and actual hard-hitting policy news. 
4. Their reporting is succinct and simply put. In fact, there are fun pop culture references scattered throughout each piece. 
5. If they're reporting on a complicated subject that I'll need a deeper understanding of an issue to grasp, they offer a link to a more in-depth explanation of said subject. 

Allow me to walk you through my Skimm from this morning with badly drawn footnotes: 

1. Cute and cheeky heading. 
2. Early delivery, as promised. 

3. They always tell us what they're doing while they were writing the next morning's post. This post, it happens to coincide with their advertiser. But other issues have featured "Skimm'd while marathoning Gilmore Girls" or "over a few bottles of wine." #relatable
4. They always feature a Quote of the Day. It usually doesn't pertain to anything else in the e-mail, but it's something culturally relevant and fun. Like this one. Thanks, Bob Dylan. 

Okay, so let's review how they report the news: 

5. They cite their sources. Throughout each section, you can click to find out more. 
6. They give you an introduction to the topic. On more complicated topics, they'll usually include a link that's titled, "Remind me?" and you can go back and read more about the issue.
7. Provides the most recent update. 
8. If you're too busy to even read a few paragraphs, if gives you the highlight in the section called "theSkimm."

This is only one of the four major stories they report on each day. The other stories discussed in today's issue were Philando Castile's murder trial, Facebook's recalibration of how it deems news stories "real" or not, and airstrikes in Aleppo. They also a few other short news blurbs. 

I'm just realizing that I failed to mention the VERY best part, which is that IT'S FO' FREE. FREE. NO MONEYS. 

Subscribe to theSkimm by clicking that photo below and never be clueless at the water cooler again. Being informed is sexy. So, you know, get informed. 

Fetch or Wretch: CMA Red Carpet.

The biggest night in country music, people! If you haven't already seen it, the best thing to come out of that awards show is this Beyonce/Dixie Chicks performance. If you grew up in the 90's, this will make you get up and dance. Trust. 

I shouldn't have led with that - the rest of this post will be a let-down. 

But, we press on. 

You guys know the drill, so let's just get down to it. BRING ON THE WHITE PEOPLE! 

Fetch. 

 

Nicole Kidman

Okay yes, this is a little too "on-the-nose" literal, but I think she's making it work. The color is beautiful on her, the fit is great, and poor Nicole has had a history of making bad head choices. Her head looks great here! Nicole found her some country music gays to floof up that hair. I'm proud of her. 

Kacey Musgraves

A few things. First of all, I'm probably being blinded by my love for Kacey Musgraves (who is super talented and you should listen to her stuff if you haven't already). Her whole schtick is to wear very "frou-frou" clothes and then sing songs about trailer parks. Traditionally, I loathe pickup skirts or tiered skirts like this, but I think I love it here because it's so exaggerated. She really does look like one of those Barbies shoved in the top of a birthday cake. She also has the best people in town doing her makeup, because she is actually poreless.

My only real complaint is that the bust is too full. It looks like she's trying to smuggle something into the venue in her bodice. Whatcha got in there, girl? Booze? Puppies? A few McDonald's cheeseburgers ('cause I sure would). 

Carrie Underwood, I GUESS. 

Country Music Barbie. My eyes are rolled all the way back in my head. Everything she wears is princess-y and neutral. Don't believe me? 

...right. So. As I was saying. 

Okay, okay, she looks pretty and the dress fits and her head styling looks great. But would some color KILL HER? I think not. 

Gymnasts! 

Laurie Hernandez, Simone Biles, Aly Raisman, Madison Kocian, and Gabby Douglas. 

Of course there are some basic things that could be fixed (don't love the length of Gabby's dress + a train; Laurie Hernandez is underdressed a bit), but overall, I think these ladies look great. They're having fun, they're stepping out - and you know what? They're athletes. They're not red carpet celebrities. So they get a more lenient hand in the judging process. Fetch! Fetch for all! 

Reba

Wouldja just look at 'er? She's so cute! Great job choosing something age-appropriate, flattering, and formal. Her hair and makeup look great - I would cosign on this look any day. Go, Reba!! And she's 61, so, you know. #werk 

...that pretty much does it for the good ones. The bad ones, I'm afraid, are much more worse. 

Wretch. 

Sharon Stone

Number one: Whatcha doin' at the CMA's, Sharon Stone??

Number two: Sharon here, only 3 years younger than Reba, opted for a very different route. Look, girl, we all know your brand is SEXY, but you have to know when to pump the brakes. It looks a little like you were pledging a sorority, got drugged, had half your head shaved in the car, then got shoved out of a limo in this dress. Sharon, do you need help? Blink twice if you're being held here against your will. 

Faith Hill

Ohhhhhhhhhh, Faith. 

It's been a long, slow descent ever since this moment: 

I really don't know what to say about this look because I can't figure out where to start. This is a perfect example of a Franken-dress (copyright Tom and Lorenzo) - it can't figure out what it wants to be. Sparkly! Sleek! Peplum! Shiny! Matte! And speaking of people who look like they're being held against their will...yikes. Faith, go home. Put on a mask. Sink into a bubble bath. Have Tim McGraw give you a shoulder rub. You need a day off. 

Miss America, Savvy Shields

... 

... 

...

Can't wear a pageant dress on the red carpet, Sav. Also, don't look behind you, but your dress is being slowly eaten by another dress. Run away, girl!!! 

Elle King

I AM I, DON QUIXOTE, THE LORD OF LA MANCHA!! 

But seriously. 

I have no idea who this person is, but she obviously slept in her Halloween costume from a few days ago. Part of me wants to give her credit for having the stones to wear this on the red carpet, but the other part of me is too busy recovering from the series of eye-twitches I collapsed into after seeing this combination of fringe and corset. I mean...you do you, sister. But for me, this one's a miss. 

Gretchen Wilson

I seem to remember this woman telling us in no uncertain terms that she "ain't no high class broad," and yet, somehow that still doesn't excuse wearing a t-shirt and leggings (maybe even tights, actually) to a black-tie event. 

Listen, Gretch: if you're invited somewhere thousands of people would kill to be, show a little respect. At the very least, put on some pants. You are officially the wretchest of them all.

That does it, people. May we all go forth and make good style choices. Amen.