5 Things: Questions for Donald Trump

Dear Sir, 

Gotta be honest, I thought this whole thing was a joke. I really did. For months, I would giggle at the thought of First Lady Melania Trump (still giggling, actually), and the idea of you and your wig being inaugurated. "Yeah, right," I thought to myself. 

Then you won a whole bunch of delegates and that makes me uncomfortable. 

Not because I think you've got a chance at winning (you don't), but because there are so many people in this country who believe you do. That's unsettling to me. The idea that people think that you're the next face of America, based purely on what they've seen of you this election cycle, is troubling. 

So here on this beautiful Friday morning, I'd like to ask a few things. 

1. What is up with you putting so much stock into this whole "short-fingered vulgarian" thing? 

Granted, it's a hell of an insult. I love when the pen is mightier than the sword, because this 30-year old joke has really gotten under your skin. They're just words, Donald. I feel like you'd be a proponent of the "sticks and stones" model of dealing with criticism, especially given that you don't seem to take other people's sensitivity or feelings to heart when speaking yourself. You got real real defensive about it last night, even going so far as to say that "Nobody has ever hit my hands. I've never heard of this one." 

Uh oh! No. We know you've heard of it! That's why you're upset! 

Are your feelings genuinely hurt? Is that why you thought it appropriate to make a joke about your penis in a presidential debate on national television? 

Though, of course I understand your tactic - really trying to carve out a name for yourself. George Washington, "The Father of our Country;" Abraham Lincoln, "Honest Abe;" Donald Trump, "Doesn't Have a Small Penis." Got it. It really seems like it would stand the test of time. Clever, Donald. And, as always, classy. 

2. How long does it take to do your hair every day? 

I'm really asking. Personally, I love to do my hair. It's one of my favorite morning rituals. I never leave the house (unless I'm working out, of course) without a curling iron having touched my hair. So I'm genuinely curious about your method. 

Is it: brush, swoop, spray? Or maybe: comb, spray, swoop, spray? My last guess would be: tease, comb, smooth, spray, swoop, spray. One of those has got to be right. 

Surely there's a YouTube tutorial somewhere on Donald's hair. Oh, wow. THERE IS.  Amazing. This girl even nailed the way-too-light-undereye-concealer. A real pro, this one. 

3. Melania is an immigrant. Does that make it awkward at the dinner table when you say really xenophobic things? 

Les miserables.

Les miserables.

Melania was born in Slovenia and immigrated to the United States. So I have to wonder whether, when the dinner party guests are gone and you guys are behind closed doors, she just lets you have it. It must be pretty frustrating for her to hear you talk about immigrants with such vitriol - whether we're talking about Mexican immigrants or Syrian refugees - same overall level of intolerance. 

Although if I were Melania, I gotta say, I'd be equally upset about pretty much everything you said in this interview, which is, in a word, grotesque and horrifying. ...that was two words, I know. I couldn't help it. 

But neither can you, it seems. 

4. Do you know that the verb "disavow" should almost always be followed with an object? 

...because you keep saying "I disavow" by itself. You have to disavow something or someone for that sentence to work. And you kind of keep doing it. 

To be fair, you did include an object in the debate last night. You said, "I disavow the Klu Klux Klan." 

"Huh," I thought. "He threw an extra 'l' in the word, 'Ku.' Most of the people I've heard do that are school-aged children who are learning about the group for the first time and are having trouble pronouncing it. Admittedly, it's a clunky group name. It was a slip of the tongue. I'll cut him some slack." 

But see, then you did it again. A second time, in a row, almost immediately after the first time. Which leads me to believe that you actually think the name of the group is "Klu" Klux Klan. Which is wrong. It's upsetting to me. 

But not as upsetting as the fact that it took you longer than exactly zero seconds to "disavow" a terrorist organization who killed black people for sport. It's less upsetting than that. 

5. Are you kidding me? 

I mean it. I'm not asking ironically. 

My great hope is that this is all the most elaborate political joke of all time; that somehow that insane conspiracy theory that the Clintons paid you to run in order to give them a leg up is true. 

That we aren't living in a time in America when people believe that a bigoted, bullying, sexist, xenophobe, pretending to tout Christian values, should be President of the United States. Because what was it that Jesus said? Oh yeah. "BUILD ME A WALL!" 

I want to believe in my country more than that, sir. I want to believe that you're just kidding around. That, while this has certainly gone too far, has certainly embarrassed an entire nation of people, you are running the longest and best Jim Halpert-style prank that anyone has ever seen. 

This is my hope. This is my prayer. 

Don't get me wrong, sir. I don't think you'll ever be President. There are too many people on both sides of the aisle who DISAVOW! your antics and barely take the time to acknowledge you as a serious candidate. When you have two former political rivals like our current President and Mitt Romney coming out to condemn you, people have to figure that you don't really have a shot. 

Plus, my dad says you won't win, and he's pretty much always right. 

I alternate between rage and jovial dismissal when it comes to you, Mr. Trump. I go back and forth between being the embodiment of SMH and rolling my eyes. One minute, you're making me reach for a tub of ice cream to stress-eat; the next, I remember you are a clown from the circus. 

Here's the thing, Don. Can I call you Don? I know if you actually were ever to read this note, you'd probably say that I was hysterical or that it must be "that time of the month" for me, or make fun of my nose (get in line, pal), or tell me that I'm only a 5 on a scale of 10. You'd dig up pictures of me as an ugly middle-schooler and talk about my lack of fashion sense. You'd slam my 7th grade perm. That seems to be how you handle crisis or criticism.

Joke's on you, because there's nothing my husband likes better than a woman with a sense of humor whose nose used to be nicknamed "The Antler." So:

The thing is, we can't have someone like you running the country, because when it comes right down to it, you're just mean. It's amazing to me that someone so wealthy can act so cheap.

You seem to not love being presented with facts or having to combat them, so here are some facts in a clip that I know you won't like, but is something that people need to see over and over until the election. 

Here's to you, Mr. Drumpf. Stop talking about your penis, and stop being such a dick.

(Sorry to my grandparents who I know will not love the fact that I just used the word "dick." It was in service of a joke. You guys understand.) 

Oscar Gowns: Fetch or Wretch?

The year I lived in Memphis, my friend Andy and I devised a ratings system called "Fetch or Wretch?" "Fetch," obviously, was derived from the classic film Mean Girls, and is the highest of compliments in the world of fashion. "Wretch," on the other hand, I think is pretty self-explanatory. 

That year at the Oscar party we went to, he and I dressed up as glorified Joan Rivers clones and interviewed/judged all the celebs on a makeshift red carpet: 

Obviously, we were very fetch (but also intentionally tacky, just like Joan.) 

Obviously, we were very fetch (but also intentionally tacky, just like Joan.) 

Being that I love fashion and that I love awards shows, I thought I'd run down my list for Fetch or Wretch: Oscars 2016. 

Let's start with the good, in no particular order.

FETCH: SAOIRSE RONAN.

Saoirse (I had to attempt that spelling about 4 times) was nominated for Best Actress alongside some real heavy hitters last night for Brooklyn, where she plays an Irish immigrant to America. This dress is the epitome of right gown, right wearer, and right venue. And, as a little nod to her Irish role in the film, it's emerald green. My only tiny gripe here is that the skirt is sheer, which I'm sick to death of. But otherwise, perfectly fitted, perfectly styled, and if you look at any close-ups of her face, her makeup is FLAWLESS. 

2. FETCH: LADY GAGA.

Say what you will about the meat-dress-wearing, arriving-in-an-egg pop star, but she knows how to nail it when it counts. I think this partnership with Tony Bennett has done her some good in terms of knowing when to class it up. Her hair and jewelry choices are exactly right. The fit on the bodice is not my favorite (in fact, in almost every photo but this one, it's downright awful) and it's doing weird things for her boobs. Overall, the look is striking and classic, but still different enough to be quintessentially Gaga. And we all know I love a jumpsuit. 

...doesn't hurt that her man candy is in a perfectly fitting tux, himself. 

3. ROONEY MARA. 

I realize this one will be widely disputed. I am not in love with her weird topknot, but I think this is such a perfect look for her. Rooney Mara always goes for severe ice-princess on the red carpet, and she usually nails it. This dress, though not something I would wear, is the definition of Rooney Mara at an awards show - and because it's perfectly fitted and styled well (for her particular aesthetic), I love it. 

4. CATE BLANCHETT. 

I know, I know. Another controversial pick. But y'all, LOOK AT THE FIT OF THIS DRESS. Cate Blanchett is such a queen when it comes to style and posing on a red carpet, and this is just another entry in her reign of fabulousness. Though the details on this dress kind of grate on my nerves (like a hundred butterflies just landed on her simultaneously?), the color is lovely, the neckline is plunging without being vulgar, her head looks great, and the fit is literally flawless. As with most things, a little confidence in something unusual goes a long way. 

5. NAOMI WATTS.

Miss Naomi was not up for any major awards, but she still brought the thunder without being too attention-seeking. The color, the beading, the fit, and the styling are all near-perfect in this look. She managed to nail it without taking attention away from award nominees, which is an art form all unto itself. 

Honorable mention: Chrissy Teigan, who SLAYED us with her fabulous pregnant self. But she couldn't make my list because I am so sick to death of this naked dress trend WHEN WILL IT END. 

Now, let's get to the struggle bus. 

WRETCH. 

1. Kate Winslet. 

GIRL. What. Are you doing. This looks like the Titanic sank, you got up on that door, pulled a seal out of the ocean, clubbed it to death, skinned it, and wore it last night. Almost everything about this is bad, from the straight neckline to the fit to the scuba-suit weirdness to the loose and beachy hair when it should've been up. The skirt is puddling. The accessories are bad. I really can't say enough. It was a swing and a miss. But we love you, Kate. Do better next time. 

2. BRIE LARSON. 

Another choice that I know will be controversial. All I can see when I look at that party-streamer skirt is Paris Hilton circa 2002. The half-back hair looks far too casual (Jordan says when women wear their hair half-back it looks like Legolas) and needed more height, the belt is huge and clunky...I really was disappointed by this look, especially since she was picked to (and did) win. I'll give her some credit for fit - the bodice is beautifully tailored to her and the color is right, but the skirt and the details of the look overall make her a WRETCH. I genuinely feel like people are loving this look purely because she is absolutely glowing with happiness and it's distorting their judgment. Congrats on your win, Brie. Now send that dress back to the early 2000's where it belongs. 

3. OLIVIA WILDE. 

"Woof." That was me out loud when I saw this gown for the first time. At a quick glance, this isn't terribly offensive - a light colored, well-fitted gown. But the longer you look at it, the more problematic it becomes. While Cate Blanchett did a plunging neckline without being vulgar, this is a neckline that tipped the vulgar scales all the way over. Put simply, it's just too much cleavage. Olivia Wilde has lots of very square features, namely that fabulous jawline, but that means that whatever she chooses to wear doesn't need to further accentuate the squareness of her face. This neckline is rectangular, her choker cuts her neck in half and creates more squareness, and her hair is pulled all the way back, making her head a (you guessed it) square. She needed to soften this gown up - hair down, no choker, and this might have been a win. 

4. JENNIFER LAWRENCE. 

I. AM. SO. SICK. OF. SHEER. LACE. 

I can't wait for this freaking trend to die. I know J Law has a contractual obligation to wear Dior, this look aged her about 20 years. It is SO deeply matronly while still somehow being super-sexual. I hate the tiered skirt, I hate the skin-toned underlay that makes her look naked, I hate the visible black boning in the bodice, I hate everything. Good for her for the hair color and the lack of sparkly accessories (which would've pushed this from just plain bad to stripper), but this is a HARD miss for me. Wretch. 100%. 

5. RACHEL MCADAMS.

Dear Rachel McAdams, 

Every girl in America wants to be you. You have a face like a damn painting. Your hair is like gold spun by woodland creatures. You are an American ideal. But if you think that in all of fashion-world, in all the design houses, that this was the right gown for you, then fire your stylist. The color is great, but that's about it. If you're going to wear something loose-fitting and body-skimming, the fit better be absolutely perfect. And perfect it is not.

And if you can't afford a steamer, you can borrow mine, Rachel. Those wrinkles from sitting down in the limo on the way there are half of why you are decidedly WRETCH. 

See you tomorrow for Bach-capping, ladies and germs. Get ready for SEX ISLAND. 

 

DNR - JTI: Other People's Submissions

As usual, credit for this idea goes to the fab Mollie Erickson. 

Last night, one of my best friends sent me a message with a Do Not Respond - Just Take It from her day, which inspired me to solicit them from my family and whoever was at the top of my text message pile. 

The results were pretty entertaining. We'll start with the one that inspired them all. 

From Ginny Tyler Meadows: 

Dear Lady at Belk in the pantyhose section, 
Thank you for keeping me from buying the ankle-bunching hose you claimed would embarrass my grandmother at church on Sunday. My budget of as close to $10 as possible seemed tricky, but you understand that my struggle is real. Your teaching me how to test the multitude of hose colors by sticking my hand in the samples kept me from looking like I was having a race identity problem as I interview for pharmacy residencies. I appreciate hearing about your niece who may be in college somewhere in Alabama studying something like pharmacy, but I really do need to be going. Yes, I am pretending not to hear you asking about my potential salary and why I'm not working for CVS. Hopefully, I will not rip these and have to come back. DNR - JTI. 

From April McAnnally:

Dear Joanna Gaines,
I know you love your family ('cause who wouldn't - they are precious) and you think Chip is darling ('cause he is) and you are living your dream on HGTV, but seriously. Now you have a furniture line, custom paint colors, a Magnolia Store, and a book coming out. You also have perfectly shiny hair cascading down your back at all times. Could ya just slow down? You're making the rest of us feel bad. DNR - JTI. 

From Katie Glenn:  

Dear People who Talk About Millennials and How Terrible We Are,
Literally every generation ever has always thought the subsequent generations were shit. Even Socrates talked about the generation following his. You're exhausting us and your points are generally terrible. DNR - JTI. 

From Parker McAnnally: 

Dear Birds Outside My House at 3 AM, 
Please stop yelling. That streetlight is not the sun. I will shake you out of your tree if you continue in your ways. We can peacefully coexist, but not if you sing me your song in the middle of the night. I'll see you in the morning when it's time for you to be loud. DNR - JTI.

From Sid McAnnally: 

Dear Lady Grantham,
I love my wife, and to prove it, I've worn my teeth down through years of your cow-eyed, stage whispered, "Oh, Robert's" and "Poor Edith's." Enough. Please accept my goodbye in advance of your March departure. DNR - JTI. 

From Victoria Harr: 

Dear Backseat Drivers,
No, I do not want to know 42 facts about hydroplaning, the impact high beams have on traffic signs, and the exact speed I should go when there are emergency personnel on the shoulder. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Quietly. DNR - JTI. 

A couple of my own: 

Dear Misting Spray in the Produce Section,
I love everything about you. I love when the thunder sound comes on to warn us that the mist is imminent. Other shoppers may decide to come back later, but I will always stick around. I love watching that water spray float through the air and onto my vegetables, giving them the air of "fresh from the farm." It feels like a ride at Disney World that I didn't even have to pay for. I think you're magical. Don't ever change. DNR - JTI.

Dear Approx. 10-year-old Boy in Said Produce Section Loudly Singing the Praises of Spinach,
I find you to be totally charming. The way your regular t-shirt completely overwhelms your skinny frame is completely endearing. I overheard you say that you "have a hard time with iceberg lettuce," and I get that. Spinach is much easier to eat. Also, thank you for loudly explaining to your mom that grocery stores often try to rip us off by placing the higher-priced items at eye-level. I hope that you always stay this delightfully nerdy, and that no one makes you feel like you should be anything else. You're my new favorite part of the grocery, even over the produce misters. DNR - JTI.

...and one more from my sweet dad: 

Dear Mary Catherine's Readers,
Can you believe this? Bachelor in one breath, insightful spiritual observation the next? In one person? I've been watching it for 27 years and I still don't have it figured out. And you should meet her mother. And brother. It took me too long to realize, the best play is: DNR - JTI.  

DNR - JTI: Pop Culture Edition.

If you've been following the blog for a few weeks now, you read this post where I explain the concept of "Do Not Respond - Just Take It." If you haven't been following the blog, I'm pretty sure you'll figure it out anyway. 

There's been so much in the pop culture world this past week that I need to rant about.

As always, all credit is due the brilliant Mollie Erickson whose idea I am shamelessly hijacking. 

Dear Kanye West, 
You must be how God feels about all of us. Just when God thinks it's finally safe to have faith in humanity again, we do something ridiculous and screw it up. You are not Picasso. You are not The Apostle Paul. You are not a genius. I have such unkind things to say about you, but I'll sum it up with PLEASE STOP TALKING. Every time you open your mouth, things get worse. I could cite a million examples, but it would take too long. Also, please, PLEASE stop designing clothes. We all know you're just ripping off the Derelicte campaign from Zoolander. DNR - JTI.  

Dear Taylor Swift, 
Honey, stop acknowledging Kanye West. Have you heard the parable of the frog and the scorpion? Mmmk, well let me sum it up for you: the frog ends up dead at the bottom of the pond pumped full of scorpion venom. I hope you've stopped giving him chances. The surest way to disappoint him and make him irrelevant is to stop acknowledging him. No one takes him seriously anyway. You're too good for that, girl. Hey, congrats on Album of the Year! DNR - JTI. 

Dear Stepdad Gary From "EW!" With Jimmy Fallon,
You are one of my favorite characters ever. You make me laugh every time. But especially in this week's episode. Thanks for being so lame and so funny. Can you teach me that popcorn song? DNR - JTI. 

Dear Pizza,
You have nothing to do with pop culture and everything to do with pop culture. Why do you have to be so delicious? Why do you have to be so bad for me? These are the things I contemplate while staring at the Domino's app on my phone, playing "Will I or won't I?" with myself. Every night. Can't you help me out and just disappear? If I have a spirit animal, I've always known it was Pizza Rat. DNR - JTI. 

Dear People who Post Photos of Abused Animals Online,
You make me reconsider having a Facebook account. I am too emotionally unstable to deal with seeing that kind of stuff. There should be a separate Facebook called "Disgracebook" where you can post all the inflammatory, upsetting stuff you want. But please - cut me and my very tender heart a break. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Leslie Jones,
My husband and I think you are hysterical. This highly inappropriate and highly hilarious speech had us both R O L L I N G on Valentine's Day when we caught up on SNL. Thanks for being the best. See you next week. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Mary Catherine,
This is officially your last social media post/tweet about Kanye. I'm cutting you off. He doesn't deserve it and you have better things to do with your time than go down the Google rabbit hole of offensive or insipid things Kanye has said/done this week. Spoiler alert: there are a million. DNR - JTI, girl. 

 

You Should Go and Love Yourself.

Happy Friday! 

My sweet husband finds himself short-handed at the office today, so I'm going in to help seat and greet patients. 

Last night's conversation:

Me: I'm worried I'm going to pull the wrong tooth on someone. 

Jordan: ...what exactly do you think I'm going to let you do? 

Anyway, in lieu of a 5 Things Friday, I thought I'd mix it up a little and post this cover my friend Landon and I recorded last week. For me, it's a rough vocal - I recorded it once and just left it alone. And although I can't personally endorse the Biebs, you guys, I really love this stinkin' song. 

Hope you enjoy! Do it up big this weekend and I'll see you on Monday for Jordan Says - our podcast.