Week 2.

"She's not a girl I would fight over."  - Jordan

That hits the nail on the head. I didn't connect with JoJo last season. I mean, sure, she's a nice girl - she seems very sweet, but they haven't made her compelling beyond the fact that she's really attractive. I feel about her the way I feel about Bernie Sanders: I don't want them to hold the title they're vying for, but they'd be fun to go bowling with. Except I'm not really even sure she'd be fun to go bowling with. Bernie Sanders would 100% be fun to bowl with. Bowling with Bernie should be a new feature in the campaign. 

Anyway. 

PART I: GROUP DATE. 

• Chris Harrison shows up to hand out the date card, where we find out that Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, and Robby are going on the date. 
• Evan's reaction to reading his own name on the group date: 

• Ali's reaction to Evan's reaction: 

• Me too, Ali. Me, too.
• Robby is WILDLY over-groomed. I read in Esquire over the weekend that a man should never have a perfectly groomed scruff, and I agree. Or at the very least, choose between a well-maintained scruff and 25 bottles of product in your hair. YA CAN'T HAVE BOTH, ROBBY. He's a pretty boy. 

Is this actually a sigh of relief or is he just trying to make his cheekbones pop? We'll never know. 

• Things are exploding for no reason. What is this, a Michael Bay movie? 
• BET SHE'S GONNA BE IN THE FIREMAN'S COSTUME annnnnnnd of course she is. Of COURSE she is. 

• So basically we're watching a porn? That's what this is? A rated G porn fantasy? Y'all. This can't be real. 
• As I've read many times before, the producers make suggestions, but the cast memebrs have to agree to go along with them. Which means that some producer said, "Hey JoJo, why don't we put you on a firetruck, naked, in some fireman's clothes Samantha Jones-style, and then you can come extinguish a burning lim-ferno?" 

• "Guys, I'm not comfortable with that," JoJo replied. "I have to at least be wearing a soaking wet white wife beater." 
• "...deal." 
• "Hot" is big for JoJo. This feels like watching Paris Hilton in the early aughts. 

• Daniel makes a masturbation joke. So...that happened.

• Lil' Wells can't hang and genuinely looks like he's about to die. Luckily, he gets some extra time with Joje.  

Back at the house...

• Are these guys seriously high-fiving about songwriting?? I mean I think songwriting is VERY cool, don't get me wrong, but it's not the same thing as watching sports.
• AND THERE'S CHOREOGRAPHY???? If I was JoJo and I saw this, I'd be feeling pretty bad about my chances. 
• I figured it out. They think they're on The Voice. That must be it. 

• I think I hate Jordan.
• This season is so extreme. Everything that's happening is to the nth degree. I mean, one minute these guys are fighting huge fires in 80 pounds of gear and the next minute we're songwriting. Even the stereotypes are extreme: The Canadian is lame. The erectile dysfunction guy is gay. The short guy has little man syndrome. Oy. 

Back on the date...

• ...because you don't know their names.
• Grant wins the Fireman Award because he's, you know, a fireman. 

• Grant!!!! Go Grant. I started out not liking you but I can't help it right now. You seem kind of selfless and sweet. 
• She is INTO THE KISSING. Holy cow. She really is about it unapologetically. 

• Jojo's conversation with Wells had such potential. I mean, maybe I'm mean, but I would've given Wells just a little tiny bit of a hard time before telling him how well he did and how proud of him I was. As one of my hilarious friends Darren said last night, "I'm already ready for next season when we watch Jordan and 25 lovely ladies." 
• Luke, like, has just a tiny bit of, like, a speech tic. 

• But JoJo doesn't seem to care.  

PART II - ONE-ON-ONE. 

• JTT has the next date. He's so sweet and nice, but this is SO BORING. 
• Doesn't stop our girl, though. The guy could have Zika virus and she'd still make out with them. 

• Oh, the two ass clowns are talking shit about everybody? In the future if you're trying to appear hardcore, maybe try not to match. 
• Also, did you both do meth before this shot? What are you TALKING about?? 

• ...what?!?! 
• But for real, what happened was probably that a producer said, "Chad, can you compare this group of guys to a protein shake?" And Chad said, "Sure, no problem!" And what came out was nonsense. 

• Back on the date, JoJo's talks about how she was ready to get engaged and it didn't work out. 
• JTT, being a sweet person who doesn't know how this show works, mistakes JoJo's willingness to open up about her past for her awareness that she's on a TV show that everyone's already seen. Inspired by her bravery, he admits to JoJo that he was ready to propose to his girlfriend and then found out she was cheating on him.
• Poor bastard. Rose. 

PART III - GROUP DATE. 

• Hot girl wears fireman suspenders. Hot girl talks about sports. DO YOU HAVE A BONER YET?? 

• ...I think he's not gonna even know that you were a quarterback. 

• Made me actually LOL. Jordan really BUGS. 
• You know the best way to woo a girl who almost got engaged but didn't? Fake proposals. 
• I genuinely feel bad for these guys on this silly challenge. If you take it too seriously, you look like such a fraud:

• If you take it too lightly, you look like a chump: 

• Chad refuses to propose on grounds that he's known this person for less than 24 hours. 
• HE CALLED HER NAGGY. That happened. Happened. 

• The saddest part is that Chad is the only one who's telling the truth. I mean, it's just a game and he should lighten up, but none of these guys have any ideas what qualities they like best in this girl who is almost a perfect stranger. He needs to be nicer, but he's actually right. 
• Let's just roll right through to the after party, because I'm bored by this Chad v. Alex conflict and of course JoJo is going to keep Chad around. 
• I actually have a friend who went to college with James T., and he said that James is a super nice and genuine guy. So I have decided to like James until he's proven guilty. 

• He killed it making JoJo cry with that note, but calling her the "most special woman alive" was a leeeeeetle much. Cool it off, brother. Take it slow.

• Are you kidding me that they put that tiny guy in a giant chair????
• Also Chad the villain gets made out with. But then again, JoJo more or less made out with everything that was standing still this episode, so that doesn't mean much. 
• James T. gets the rose, of course. Have we just stopped calling him James Taylor? Because you can't make me forget that easily, ABC.

PART IV - COCKTAIL PARTY.

• Chad walks in with JoJo and all the guys freak out. Detective Alex is on the case, asking Chad 1,000,000 questions. 

• The guys try to confront him about it. 
• Unsuccessful.

• The meat plate. I can't decide if I love this or hate this. Love that he's unapologetically eating fourteen portions of food, because I identify strongly with that. Okay yeah, I love this. I don't hate it. 
• Little does he know he's in for the meat sweats later. 
• Christian tries to take a bath with her and James Taylor is rolling the Bachelor Mansion. Maybe it's just too early in the season, but all of these guys are really putting me to sleep. 
• Can Daniel go home yet? To Transylvania? 
• Alex, honey...this just isn't your moment. You're the size of a mushroom and you need to just head home. 

• "Am I un-figure-out-able?" - William Butler Yeats. Oh, sorry - nope. Chad. 
• Then they try to confront Chad again. Doesn't work. Again. 
• Chad might suck, but his West Side Story reference complete with snapping choreography was impressive. He's totally been in a community theater production of that show. 
• Oh hey, Ali! Forgot you were here. Your shirt is too tight, brother. 

• Evan feels like he could "legitimately fall for this girl." No you don't. Are you crying?? Are you CRYING?? There's no crying in baseball!! 

• Somehow Alex's suit is too small. See how it buckles?? I don't understand how that happened. 

• Once again, I'm bored by this Alex/Chad altercation. Alex, I respect your motives, but you really aren't going to be able to defend yourself against someone who can do pull ups with your body weight attached. 
• I'm also too distracted by Chad's messy beardline to pay attention. I want to do a whole post on the bad fashion/facial hair of these contestants. They need makeovers. 

PART V - ROSE CEREMONY.

• We're doing a lot of Ben and Lauren talk this season. I can't really understand why she keeps bringing Ben up if he broke her heart so badly. Probably because this season has no plot aside from #meatChad.

• This next shot is absolutely brutal. Damn you, ABC, for putting these guys next to each other.  

• Pretty predictable as far as roses go: 

Roses: James Taylor, JTT, Wells, Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick (Santa), Vinny (haircut), Evan (COME ON), Chad (of course). 

Leaving: James S. (Silly Putty face), Will (mistake, he was cute), Brandon. 

Until next week when maybe we'll get an ounce of excitement because someone gets punched in the face, enjoy this still of Chad eating lunch meat at the rose ceremony. 

The Bachelorette: JoJo

If you're new to the block, this portion of my blog features weekly re-caps of the ABC classic, The Bachelorette. We got drive-by, bullet style commentary through the whole episode. Welcome. 

• We begin with the a dramatic and depressing montage of JoJo's failed relationship with Ben, which is supposed to make me feel bad for her, but it's hard to feel bad for someone wearing this: 

• She's quirky and fun, GET IT?! 
• He didn't love two people at once, honey. He never loved you. He was lying, no matter how pure his motives are. He's on a show. 
• One thing we can't deny is that her body is absolutely slammin'. Which is exactly what ABC wanted us to be thinking as they had her, bikini-clad, silhouetted in golden light walking down a beach. Subtle. 

• But she's also SUPER HOT, get it?!? 
• I'd be incredibly nervous too if I was wearing that outfit. Joje, I love ya, but I can't get down with a summer-weight romper and black suede open-toed booties. We're having a seasonally appropriate crisis, here. 

• Look how many women there are up there who've been The Bachelorette and are still in a relationship. Three. Know how many seasons there have been? 11. 

• Oh, here we go. I wonder how many horribly tragic backstories we'll have to listen to tonight? 
• Greg, you wear me out. DEFINITELY not as good looking as his picture leads you to believe.

• Apparently how attractive he is is completely dependent on how much of his forehead is facing us. 
• Jojo "lights my fire??" Come on, dude. Have some self-respect. 
• Jordan is a former pro QB? Hmmm.
• HE'S AARON ROGERS' LITTLE BROTHER?!!?!? Well that's really cool. 
• Oh, no. Except he's not smart. "Paying a toll" is what you do at a tollbooth, Jordan. 

• "Smart" doesn't really matter on this show, though. I have a hunch that Jordan is going to be one of the final two. Just calling it now. 
• We've made it through Tragic Story #1:  "I cared about work too much and lost the love of my life." Phew. We can do it, you guys. Stay strong. 
• Alex rides in on a Lil' Tykes motorbike. 

• My friend, you are too short for that motorcycle. I don't think your arms are supposed to be stick-straight.
• Okay jokes aside, the Marines are the real freakin' deal. 
• ...is that his twin?? 
• Oh. It actually is his twin. 
• James...I can't really talk about you. You're pretty odd. Moving on. But his mom calling in the middle of his interview made me LOL. 
• I WAS A PASTOR FOR YEARS. Y'ALL. I LITERALLY SAID THIS IN MY CONTESTANT OVERVIEW. 

• Anyone?? ANYONE?? Come on. That is amazing. 
• "Pumping  up my guys and getting them excited." AND I SAID HE WAS GAY. I AM BRILLIANT. Evan, go home and get a boyf. 
• Ari is the best one by a mile so far. 
• CHRISTIAN! My boy. I love this guy. Look at that smile - I just think he's the bee's knees. Tragic Story #2: "My grandparents were bigots and I raised my brothers." 

• Good looking and a nerd?? Sign me up. 
• "100% country boys" do not have undercuts. That is not something they have. You're confused.

Nope. 

• Military vet - Tragic Story #3: "I've had bigger problems in my life than this stupid ass show."

PART I: JOJO MEETS THE GUYS.

• This is what we call a cinderella story, girl. You're looking a little better this time around. 

• If you're a long-time fan of this franchise, you know that the first person out of the limo is always "spouse material." And who's first out of the limo? 

Like I said. One of the final two. 

• Wanna know who was first out of the limo on Ben's season? Lauren "The Bee" B. And look how well that went. 
• Their meeting was perfect. Watch him win the show. 
• Also, JoJo's nervous tic is telling the guys how good they look. Let's keep a tally. 

• Jonathan Taylor Thomas exits the limo. 

• Grant. Grant, you're lame. 

• This was actually one of my favorite meetings, though. Because:  

• Dead.

• I fear Alex won't last very long. He's not tall enough for her - she always gravitates toward the tallies. Ben was a big'un. 
• I like Will. I like goofy. I think he's cute and sweet.

• Ugh. CHAD. Who comes at a woman hands-first?? 

• Chad likes himself so much. SO much. I have different feelings about Chad. 
• ALI!! I love him so much. 
• James Taylor rolls in playin' the guitar. It was pretty cute. I guess. "You're way more prettier than on TV," wasn't the best line I've ever heard, but whatever. 

• ...did this guy really just make an "Asian guys have small penises" joke?? Within 2 minutes of meeting this girl? 

• ...I bet you're wrong. I bet you DO take off your clothes. 'Cause I'm pretty sure that naked guy at the end is you, my friend. 
• That guy is right, there are definitely two categories of guys here. It's almost like they've done the hard work for her. There are like four quality guys and 20 idiots. 
• Okay enough of the limo. Let's get to the actual party. 
• Nope, I lied. 

• Y'all. He got out of the limo and said, "Oh my God bless America." He might as well have gotten out and said, "Well shiitake mushrooms, you are just so fudging beautiful, gosh dangit! Also, I'm for dudes." 
• A capella, unicorns, blah blah blah. Christian is adorable on his motorcycle, even though typically I'm not a moto fan. But he sure did make it look awesome. 
• Okay NOW let's get to the party.

• ...but like, literally. A few. Like three. That's it.

PART II: Cocktail party. 

• Evan said "Oh my God bless America." AGAIN. Wow. Wow. WOW. 

• Well now you look like JTT. 
• So all the guys are nervous except for Jordan. Although he was tickling her back in a creepy way the entire time they were talking. Well, I say "creepy." Really I just mean that I personally would be put off by someone invading my personal space during our first conversation. 

• So they're portraying Jordan to be the only non-idiot on this show. This happened: 

• Then this happened: 

• First impression rose is now down between Jordan and whatever other guy makes a shred of a good impression with her. 

• Falling RIGHT into his trap. 

• ...what?!?!? 

• "Have you been paying attention to ANYTHING, YOU STUPID IDIOT?! DON'T YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT THIS VIRAL VIDEO?? I'M A GROWN MAN AND I KNOW ABOUT. GOD KAREN YOU'RE SO STUPID."
• Here is a little tour de disaster: 

• Okay so she likes James, Ali, Luke, and Jord. Jordan, I mean. And Chad, despite all the brain cells I KNOW are telling her to get outta here. 
• Aaaaand first impression rose goes to: Jordan. As predicted. I would be proud of myself for crushing the game, but honestly, this season is like softball after softball. When there are only a handful of quality guys, making predictions gets easier and easier. 

PART III: Rose Ceremony. 

• Oh, Lord. We're adding Jake freakin' Pavelka to the mix? 
• I can't really comment on this, because I didn't watch this show at the time that Jake was on. But I know that he chose some chick named Vienna and then it imploded horrible. It was supposed to be one of the worst, most cringe-worthy moments of this entire show's history - they ended up screaming at each other in an interview with Chris Harrison. 
• And, as usual, this is just clickbait. He's here to give her advice. This is so stupid. 
• I HATE YOU, ABC, LET'S JUST MOVE ON.

Roses: Luke, Wells, James P., Grant, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Christian (YAY!), Chad (EW!), Alex, Chase, Robby, Vampire Brandon, James F., Ali, Will (despite that awkward kiss), James S., Vinny (despite the bangs), Nick B., Evan (despite the fact that he bats for the other team), James Taylor, and Daniel (because RATINGS!!!). 

See ya: Coley, Jake, Jonathan (the kilt), Peter (don't even know who that is). 

• DAWN IS BREAKING. It is daytime. No wonder these guys are trashed - they've been drinking LITERALLY all night long. 

• I think Luke and Jordan are going far. 
• I think this season is going to be boring. 
• I don't care. I'm here for you. That's just the kind of blogger I am.  

See you next week, Bachelor Nation. 

Contestant rundown.

Let's just get down to business, shall we? In case you want to follow along, let me cite my source. 

ALEX

Alex is 25. TWENTY. FIVE. These people are looking for their spouses at 25. I mean, so was I...25 just seems so young all of a sudden. Anyway, Alex is a marine. He has tattoos. He's also 5'7''. He looks manic and I don't like it. 

ALI

Ali here is 27. He's a bartender. He is 5'8''. He listed Midnight in Paris as one of his favorite movies, which would have made him my favorite if he wasn't such a liar. His other choices were Her and Dumb and Dumber. Ali, no one lists all three of those movies together. Dumb and Dumber was your only real answer. To get the other two you asked your college-age sister who's majoring in film studies.

BRANDON

I have to be honest and tell you guys that initially I just skipped this picture because vampire Brandon doesn't do it for me. But then I saw that he'd listed "Hipster" as his occupation, so I had to keep reading. He, too, listed Her as one of his top three favorite movies. Is ScarJo getting a cut of this or something?? Did Joaquin Phoenix call all these guys while on some crazy crack bender and threaten to stab them all to death unless they mentioned one of his movies? Brandon, you're awful. You look like the kind of guy who's proud of his Adam's apple. 

CHAD

I had such high hopes for Chad. He's well over 6 feet. His jaw is very square and attractive. And THEN I read his bio. Chad, it turns out, is...very Chad. Chad made three "alright, alright, alright," McConaughey references in here. They were, and this is not an exaggeration, all included in the exact same response: "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright." The questions to which that was the answer? "Who do you admire most?" "Who would you trade lives with?" and "Who would you like to have lunch with?" Also, this guy is from Tulsa and is being billed as this season's villain. 

CHASE

Snore. 

CHRISTIAN

Christian, you look like a nice guy. Forget what I said about v-necks. You're making it work. Now I'm realizing what I was missing before. I really like that you listed "spoiling my grandchildren" as one of your bucket list items. Sadly, we probably won't get to know you very well unless you have a horribly tragic backstory, because this show is pretty racist and people of color never advance to the finals. I also notice you said you don't like women who are "high-maintenance and snobby." Buddy, I have to break it to you - JoJo lives in a McMansion in a VERY wealthy neighborhood in Dallas. She ain't your type. 

COLEY

Oh, Coley. Coley, Coley, Coley. Just go on home, now. Just go on home. You listed "Visit every US State" and "see the 7 wonders of the world" as life goals. Coley, those are the sweetest and most earnest goals I've ever heard. You're going to get crushed on this show. For all our sake, don't get out of the limo. 

DEREK

Okay, Derek. I see you. I like you. You look vaguely like Jonathan Taylor Thomas. You're a banker, you're over 6', you listed Star Wars and Field of Dreams as some of your favorite movies (though Star Wars isn't a movie, bro), and you said something smart in your bio. You're on my shortlist. You also seem like you could be very boring.

DANIEL

Daniel for sure shaves his chest. Daniel referred to his body as a "lambo," (that's right, a lowercase version of the nickname proper noun, Lamborghini) not once, but TWICE in his interview. Daniel says his biggest fear is that his girlfriend will "embarrass him at a restaurant." He lists "experienced" as an adjective that best describes him (bold, right?). Daniel deserves for a couple of people to play baseball with his head.  NEXT.

EVAN

Small-town evangelical preacher who thinks no one knows he's gay NEXT. 

GRANT

THAT is a square chin. Goodness gracious. I mean seriously, that's like an actual square. So listen, Grant is problematic for a couple of reasons: one, he hated on Harry Potter, and two, he listed "being a field agent for the FBI" as a dream career. Quick story: once, I brought a guy I was dating to dinner at my parents' house. When my dad asked him what his plans were after college, he expressed interest in three careers in totally different fields. After that dinner, the guy was henceforth known as "The Astronaut" by my dad, who said it was just as likely he'd be one of those as any of the other three things he'd listed. 

Grant = The Astronaut. 

JAKE

I happen to think that being a landscape architect is very cool. And it empirically IS very cool when some of his fellow contestants listed "hipster" as their actual occupation. But this is another guy who looks so sweet and eager  and is probably going to get mercilessly flattened on this show. The finale will cut to a shot of Jake wielding a half-drunk bottle of tequila and cursing Chris Harrison for ruining his life.

JAMES F.

I think this guy is the oldest of the lot. He's 34, has a good list of best qualities, mentions the Bible (the first so far to make a religious reference), but also has some tattoos he's having lasered off. WHATCHA GOT TO HIDE THERE, JIM? He also listed Les Miserables as one of his favorite movies - which one?? Uma or Anne? Liam Neeson or Hugh Jackman?? I NEED TO KNOW. I bet it's the one that came out in 2012. Sellout. 

JAMES S. 

I really just can't with this guy. He looks like he's made of silly putty. NEXT.

JAMES TAYLOR

No way. No. Way. He's also a singer-songwriter. He's also got the American flag and a bald eagle tattooed on his arm. James Taylor, go home. You're drunk. 

JONATHAN

Really, really unsure about that shirt, man. You have French cuffs on a short sleeved shirt?? Is it a button up that's actually made out of jersey?! What could possibly be the point of a shirt with that design? Are you going to a cocktail party then ripping off your suit jacket to race to a hot dog eating contest? Or maybe you have a job interview followed by a Buddy Holly impersonation? And I know you meant well, but your answer to "Who would you like to trade lives with?" being "A very poor person from a third-world country so I could see what it's like," ...oof. Mis-step. Mis-step with the shirt, too, in case that was unclear. Also, he's the guy in the kilt in the big picture above. Meaning he is going to really confuse me. 

JORDAN

Oooooo, I want to like you. I want to so bad. Your name is Jordan, so I want to. You gave a great interview. But...something is holding me back. It could be the "I pooted," look or the entire case of hair product you used before this photo was taken. 

LUKE

...didn't we already see this guy?? All these white guys with a strong jaw and over-waxed hair are starting to melt into each other in my head. I feel like this guy doesn't eat very often. 

NICK B.

This is an open judgment, but he looks a guy with an anger problem. Something about his half-smile paired with his bio which says things like, "I've never received a romantic gift...and I'm not sure why," leads me to believe that he is going to be one of the emotional trainwrecks and will probably bully JoJo in some way. I'm also 99% positive that this is the guy who's dressed as Santa in the cast photo above, so...WHOLE buncha issues there. 

NICK S. 

HOWDY DOODY! I LOVE YOUR WORK! Or, Ryan Seacrest's younger brother. Nick Seacrest. I mean obviously I can't really even talk about the bandada open collar short sleeved polo combo. It's an affront to my morals. As far as who he most admires, he lists "Don Draper and James Bond." As Dwight Schrute would say, those guys are "Unavailable, fictional, and overqualified." Nick Seacrest. You really are such a goober. At least wait until you get on the show to embarrass yourself. 

PETER

Right out of the gate, if I were Peter's stylist, I would recommend that he shave immediately. He would be so much cuter without that weird dirt-stache! Although he does use the word "Mesozoic" in his bio, so maybe there's hope for him yet. ...but probably not. 

ROBBY

Robby: cries easily, is one of the first to tell JoJo he loves her. Can't understand why everyone is so mean and why the guys can't just get along. Makes personalized Valentines for everyone in the house and gets really mad when a housemate eats his cereal without asking. Wait - sorry. Not mad, just disappointed. 

SAL

"What's the craziest thing you've ever done?" Sal's answer? "Egged a gym teacher's house in high school." Sal. Come on. I egged a gym TEACHER in high school. You gotta do better than that. You also listed your three favorite attributes as "Humor, dependability, and truthful." Well those words are not the same parts of speech, and that really bothers me, man. It's either "humor, dependability, and truthfulness," or "funny, dependable, truthful." COME ON, SAL, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME. 

VINNY

I'm not even going to make jokes here. I'm just going to report to you what he said, because that will be enough. Occupation? BARBER. BARBER. HE'S A BARBER. LOOK AT THOSE STRAIGHT ACROSS BANGS. THOSE ARE ON PURPOSE. Tattoos? "No, my mom would kill me." RED FLAG. Most embarrassing style you've rocked? "One time I bleached my tips like Justin Timberlake." OH I BET YOU DID. Anything you wouldn't do for love? "Use turkey meat." Ladies, Vinny. Vinny, ladies. 

WELLS

...Fargo wagon is a'comin' down the street...Music Man? Anyone? No? Well, anyway, despite Wells' extremely strange denim jacket with buttons a la every girl in the 90's, I actually really liked his bio. He's a radio DJ, he sounds smart, I guess. I don't know. It's moments like this, looking at a grown man in a jacket with flare all over it when I think to myself, "Why do I watch this show?"

WILL

SERIOUSLY though, we've seen him already, right??? NO?! Okay, so this is Will. He's a civil engineer (good), has a big side-body tattoo, and seems okay. I mean, this is pretty much the drill at this point: well-groomed, slightly edgy white boy says a couple of dumb things and wears a V-neck. Can we all go home now? There are only so many flavors of white boy. 

I feel better about the contestants this season than last, solely because keeping up with them is going to be much easier now that I actually know their faces. Although to be fair Chase/Jordan/Luke/Robby is all the same guy, so it'll take some getting used to. Let's all get ready to hate Chad and look forward to officially discovering which one of these guys is Santa. See you guys next week. 

Here we go again.

May 23rd. That's what we all have to look forward to. 

I have to tell you, I'm gonna Bach-cap. Of course. But I'm not gonna like it. 

Or at least, I think I'm not gonna like it. 

I don't know - something about JoJo being the leading lady has me feeling very blah blah blah about this season of The Bachelorette. I remember being very surprised at how many people in Bachelor Nation were #teamJoJo during Ben Higgins' season. Apparently, the production over at ABC was similarly surprised: 

Caila, lots of people's favorite contestant from last season, was originally offered the contract as The Bachelorette. She'd gotten a few episodes into filming when ABC ripped the rug out from under her and told her they were going with JoJo instead. Now poor Caila has a blog, but no show. Although, as I said many times, she's too good for this franchise and should take this as a sign to run away and never look back. 

Rumors are already circulating about all the drama that JoJo is causing, although let's be real - ABC probably started those rumors to get people interested in the show. Because if there's one lesson we should've learned from watching The Bachelor together, it's that you can trust ABC about as much as you can trust me alone in a room with an entire pizza. Read: you cannot. You cannot trust them. 

What we can look forward to are the following things: 

• JoJo's crazy brothers Hulk-ing out on some poor souls
• JoJo's crazy mom chugging champagne from the bottle 
• JoJo's crazy dad who may or may not be involved in the mob murdering anyone who wrongs her
• JoJo's crazy ex-boyfriend who will probably pop up and do something weird
• Some straight-forward, no-nonsense conversation (she loves that) 
• A lot of tall, dark, and handsome dudes (her type) 
• Lots of vocal fry
• Chris Harrison telling us this season will be "The most dramatic yet!" 
• Unicorn heads
• At least one guy who drinks too much on the first night
• Spray tans 
• Gratuitous shots of JoJo's slammin' bod
• Sequins
• Jorts 
• Texas-themed group dates

...okay, now I'm kind of excited. I just worked myself up thinking about it. 

More than anything, I'm excited to start spending our Tuesday mornings together again. I've had a nice off-season, but I think I'm going to start doing some drills to get my moves back. 

"SHE PICKED HIM?!?!" 

"WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EAT THEIR DINNER?!"

"CHRIS HARRISON, YOU LYING RAT!" 

Feels good. 

See you on May 23rd. 

Finale.

Well, people, it's over. Season 20 of The Bachelor is in the books, and I for one am both relieved and sad to see it go. 

I'm happy for Ben and Lauren, but really I'm most happy for myself, because #icalledit and #mybracket. I had Caila winning, but Lauren B. was my #2, so I'm feeling pret-ty pret-ty good about that (hey Larry David!). 

If you followed along with me on Twitter last night, I apologize in advance, because I am totally about to recycle some jokes. I'm not funny enough to come up with two separate sets. 

Sadly, Hulu has not posted the finale online yet (WHY?!?!?) so I'm not able to screengrab like I normally would. But that's okay, because we all saw it. Let's quick-and-dirty this business. 

FINALE. 

• We kick off with Harrison trying to convince us that Ben is going to get married on the after-show. Um, okay, Chris. Sure thing. Good thing you're not going to beat that joke to death OH WAIT YOU ARE. 
• Both families are standing by on the live set just in case their daughter gets married on national TV. Meaning one of those families is there live when their daughter gets dumped on national TV. 
• My friend Greg pointed out that if you paid attention, it was already obvious: JoJo's parents looked like they wanted to stab their eyeballs out, and Lauren's entire family was there basically bursting with excitement. 
• What do you think Lauren's dad thought as he sat there and watched an entire episode of what he already knows is his soon-to-be son in law making out with/telling another girl he loves her? Gotta be a proud moment as a father. 
• They also have Ben's hometown pastor on standby. This guy is an embarrassment to anyone of the cloth. He took their blood money to fly to LA and be on The Bachelor. What's the clerical equivalent of disbarred? Because that should happen.

"Okay, sir, if you can just stand there and leaf through the Bible...for fun, see if you can find a passage that absolves us for making this show." 

• We then get to watch Ben's family meet both women. Ben's dad seems like an incredibly nice lady (I meant lady), while Ben's mom is busting balls and breaking hearts. 

• I simply cannot deal with Lauren's vocal fry and upspeak. Everything she says sounds like a question? Her voice sounds like the oldest, rustiest door in the entire world opening at the speed of tectonic plates shifting. It's TORTUROUS. 
• Ben's parents are politely nonplussed by The Bee, but totally obsessed with JoJo. Probably because JoJo is falling all over herself with charming awkward sincerity to tell them how in love with Ben she is. 
• Somebody makes a joke about "too much cuddle time," which really means "too much sexy time," which really made me feel like I wanted to crawl into a wormhole and go back in time before I knew what this show was. 
• At this point there was a tornado warning in my area. Probably God's wrath at ABC. 
• We hear Ben talk about how he's just not sure "what life would look like with Lauren" because "they haven't faced any challenges together;" whereas he and JoJO have been through some "rough things." 

• We move to the individual date portion of the program, where he appears to be less into Lauren (less smiley, less enthusiastic). My theory about that was that he's more emotionally guarded with Lauren because he loves and respects her more, whereas he feels comfortable opening up completely to JoJo even if it risks breaking her heart. The stakes are just lower in that relationship.
• Their date is super generic and plain, so I'm skipping it. Just like ABC did. I feel like Lauren got maybe 4 cumulative minutes of air time last night. 
• On JoJo's date, things really get hairy. 
• Also, SO MANY JEAN SHORTS. Can we not?? They're practically pornographic. 
• JoJo makes the classic and fatal error of asking too many questions. 

• JoJo ends up on the bathroom floor with Ben behind closed doors, begging him to give her some sort of answer or clarity to hold onto, at which point he drops the bomb that he's also told Lauren he loves her. 
• This was where Lauren had it all tied up for me. Ben confessing that he loves her to JoJo told me it was going to be The Bee. 
• Being on the bathroom floor is supposed to be as bad as it gets. That assumes you are already at your lowest point. The fact that he found a way to make that situation worse is really impressive. 

• One of the things that REALLY bugged last night was that Ben was casually dropping, "Love you!"'s on his way out the door to both these women, like they'd been saying "I love you," for years. YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT, BEN.

• I don't think you can be in love with two people at once. I think he thinks he was, but it's really just not possible. And by testing out those feelings out loud, he kind of ruined JoJo's life. 
• We watch Ben meet up with Neil Lane, who has never looked more like a whispering serial killer, to pick out yet another giant stone in a diamond halo and pave band. THANKS FOR THE ORIGINALITY ABC. 
• I really do believe the reason the halo setting came back into popularity is 1/2 because of this show. 
• Ben admits to Neil that he actually doesn't even know who he's choosing a ring for. I mean, totally normal. Every guy's been through that, right? 
• Finally he chooses a...very...tasteful...square cut diamond...okay I hated it. I really did. And to be honest, the only time my certainty wavered was when I saw that ring. I can't believe he thought that looked like Lauren. That is totally a BroJo ring. 
• Both women get ready, and I have to say, JoJo's spray tan is SCREAMING at us at this point. Layered with that pale pink gown, it's basically like handing her a black light. 
• Lauren's dress is pretty, but a skosh too tight for my taste. Just in case anyone cared. 

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY. 

• ABC really missed an opportunity to make this the best of all time: 

• If only. 
• So JoJo is the first out of the helicopter, which always means that she's the one who's going home. 
• I'll tell you - in all my years of hate-watching this show, I have never seen it come down to two more quality people. Both Lauren and JoJo are great, smart, beautiful women. Which made it that much harder to watch JoJo get brutally dumped.
• ...which she did. 
• Ben went ahead and let JoJo tell him absolutely everything she's ever felt about him in her entire lifetime before he started talking. It was truly painful and really kind of dirty of him. 
• There was nothing quick or painless about that breakup. Between JoJo's long speech and Ben's incredibly harsh delivery, that was one of the most truly horrific breakups I've ever seen on this show.  

• THIS is why you don't say "I love you," to anyone. Because if you say it to one woman, you've already spoiled the ending. If you say it to both women, you've ruined someone's life, because to one of them, you're telling a lie. 
• JP Rosenbaum, a former finalist and current husband of Bachelorette Ashley Hebert, tweeted this gem: 

• SO true!! How have I never realized this before?! 
• JoJo calls Ben out as much as she can in the midst of being dumped with the tact of a wild animal. She handles herself well, but doesn't let him feel too good about himself, which I respect. 
• I really didn't expect America to fall so in love with JoJo. I was really surprised to see so much of the Twitter world rooting for her. 
• SO WHO DOES BEN CALL ON THE PHONE? Welp, it's Lauren's dad. Proving once again that you can never, EVER trust ABC, because the first time they teased that phone call, there was a woman on the other end. 
• Would've loved it if he'd spoken to both her parents and not just the dad because #patriarchy, but I love that he called. So thoughtful and precious. 
• His little air punch and 'WOOOO!' after he hung up with Lauren's dad was actually adorable. 
• And the whole proposal, top to bottom, was charming, genuine, and lovely. These two crazy kids love each other for real. 

• I wonder how much ABC paid Ben and Lauren to say, "You're my person!" Because "you're my person" came from ABC's Grey's Anatomy. Trick. Triiiiicky. 
• Also, "You're my person," was coined about a female friendship. So, you know, it's been totally bastardized by romantic relationships. But that's fine. THAT'S FINE. 

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE. 

• There's not too much to say here, so we'll just hit the highlights: 
• If Harrison tried one more time to convince me that this "pastor" was going to marry Lauren and Ben on TV, my eyeballs were going to start spontaneously bleeding. This was the most ridiculous and exhausting bit I have ever seen. 

• JoJo comes out and is very civil. She also looks completely gorgeous, while Ben is losing all the color in his face form nervousness and looks like a corpse. She handled herself really well, except that she was wearing a really awkward dress. 

• Harrison gets up and punks because JOJO IS THE NEXT BACHELORETTE which made me want to set my hair on fire. Not because I don't like Joje, but because Caila was clearly so deserving. BUT. What I think that means is that they offered it to Caila and she turned it down. Let me turn it over to myself here, from two weeks ago: 

View fullsize

• ...and she is too good for this show. 
• The Bee finally comes out wearing a dress that she looks naked underneath. She is also LOVING her hair and keeps tossing it over her shoulder. 
• They make googly eyes at each other until Harrison actually beats the damn horse to death and insists that Ben make a decision about whether or not he's gonna get married right then, to which he basically responds, "Oh, were you serious? No, dude." 
• Instead, he awkwardly re-proposes in front of Lauren's family?? ...so weird, Ben. SO weird. 
   

And that, ladies and germs, is the ballgame. It has been a pleasure walking through this season with you, if also a moral corruption. Of all the Bachelors, though, I have to hand it to Ben - he was a pretty fantastic one. Probably my favorite. Although if my dad were sitting here, he'd say, "He slept with three women in three days!! How can you say he's a good guy?!" It's Bachelor rules, Dad. It's not real-world rules. 

We'll see whether JoJo's season of The Bachelorette feels like it's worth Bach-capping, but for now, let's all savor this moment when our Mondays are free from guilt and go bathe our eyeballs in a stream of acid to cleanse them from all we've seen. 

Most importantly, remember this, children: 

She who wears a unicorn head, loses.