5 Reasons Camping Terrifies Me.

First, some context. 

This weekend, Jordan and I are headed to the east Tennessee to camp for two nights and white water raft on the Ocoee. We're meeting my brother Parker and his girlfriend, Emily, and I am jumping out of my skin with excitement to see them. 

But I'm a little scared, people. I have been camping exactly once. I was about 11 years old, and it rained so hard and so long that night that our tents collapsed in on themselves. 

So, as you can imagine, it was a real pleasure of a trip. 

I am definitely not the kind of person who imagines the worst-case scenarios (HAHAHA yes I am), so don't worry, I haven't thought of everything that could go wrong. 

Ladies and gentlemen, in no particular order, my camping fears. 

1. I (or others) get eaten by a wild animal. 

Just like this scene from The Parent Trap in which Meredith gets eaten by this lizard. 

Guess what? We live in the woods. And bears are particularly active this year. And we're gonna have a bunch of food. Out. On the ground. Guess where we're sleeping? Also on the ground. I'm going to get mauled by a bear. Don't we need some kind of whistle? Horn? Spaceship? Something? 

2. Creatures bite me all night long. 

Now listen, I take pride in not being scream-y and girl-y about bugs (except ticks and roaches). I don't lose it when I see a spider - I just help it back outside where it belongs.

But y'all, mosquitoes LOVE ME. As in, once I went out in workout leggings that were mesh in the back. I put bug spray all over my body except on the backs of my legs, because, what mosquito is going to bite THROUGH mesh? None, right?? Wrong. I got 13 bites in a the half hour I was outside. 

I'm basically going to be The Mummy at the end of the movie. #mynightmare. 

3. No sleep. 

Let me confess something to you that I'm ashamed to admit: I have become a pretty finicky sleeper. 

I wish this wasn't true, but it is. Also, I think I just officially realized that I am O L D.

I like the house to be 70 degrees, I need exactly the right pillows, and a sound machine needs to be on. I know. I hate myself a little bit. 

But in the woods, you don't have a sound machine. You hear every snapping twig and hooting owl and scooting bug and grumbling bear and slithering 35-foot snake. And, you know, you're sleeping on the ground. Although Jordan did get some sleeping pads. Maybe I'll take some Tylenol PM? But then what happens if I'm too asleep and don't hear the werewolves approaching me? And then I'm too groggy to wake up and run away? 

Thanks a lot, Tylenol PM. 

4. Murderers. 

I mean, you had to be waiting for this one, right? I'm pretty much 1,000% positive that we will get murdered. I think that's a totally reasonable fear. 

Jordan does carry a large knife on camping trips, though, so maybe that'll help. Maybe he can Mick Dundee the scary meth-head who lives in the woods and is going to come kill us and eat our bones. 

5. We run out of s'mores. 

The most grave and terrifying fear of all. Unlike Toby, who is widely regarded as THE WORST, I will never say, "No more s'mores." Never. 

Jordan made a grocery run earlier this week, which was super kind and awesome, but also means that he got normal amounts of food. For s'mores, he got 4 Hershey's bars, a bag of marshmallows, and a box of graham crackers. That's right right amount of food, except you need about 7 more Hershey's bars. I'll go get them. 

I know I know I KNOW everything is actually going to be fine and it's going to be really fun. I'm just being stupid. I don't want to end up like those Naked and Afraid contestants shivering alone in the woods and fighting off mountain lions while night-vision cameras watch impartially. 

OH MY GOSH DO NOT GOOGLE NAKED AND AFRAID GIFS. Don't. Do not. Do not do it. There is porn in there. WHY?!? I MEANT THE TV SHOW!!! People are disgusting! 

Okay. Anyway, I'm going to wrap up this blog post in which I basically word vomited all over you and say that I'll report back first thing Monday with a full report of how our weekend went. 

Who knows? I might have turned a real Outdoor Girl. But probably not. 

Hope Jordan remembers to bring my faux fur and my air conditioned tent. #beverlyhillswhatathrill

Fetch or Wretch: VMA Red Carpet

My dear friend Andy Garden and I used to play this game when we lived in the same city. We'd all congregate at someone's house to watch an awards show red carpet, and Andy I would deem (and by "deem," I mean "scream at the TV") the looks "fetch" (h/t Mean Girls) or "wretch." "Fetch," obviously, was the a look we loved, "wretch" was...well, you get it. 

This list was never about the body in the dress, but about whether the dress was an absolute trainwreck of a choice. And it's the VMA's, so there are bound to be some. 

I recognized some obvious characters, but lots of this this red carpet was one long, sad question: "Who ARE these kids?!" 

...is 27 the new 87? 'Cause I'm feelin' old, friends. 

Let's take a walk. 

Fetch. 

1. Beyoncé

...obviously. It almost didn't matter what she wore last night because the level of slayage was so high. Although I am sick to DEATH of this sheer dress "check out my underwear" trend and want it to die in a fire, if we have to look at it, this is a pretty fabulous execution. I love the feathery collar (stacked sky high and reminiscent of Victorian couture), I love the color, I love it all. Beyoncé is not about practicality in this dress. She's telling you to bow down. Which you should. 

2. Justine Skye

"Who?" I know. Exactly. I seriously feel like Jack Skellington when he goes to Christmastown. "What's this?? What's this??" ...anyone? No? 

Well anyway, I really love this freakin' jacket. LOOK at it! It has a life of its own. Great shoe choice. She's clearly having fun with it, and that's the point of the VMA's red carpet. 

3. Hailee Steinfeld

Hailee is channeling Kylie Jenner, who wore a similar Balmain look to something I'm not going to look up because I'm trying not to #keepupwiththekardashians these days: 

It's well done, I guess, but it's just so basic. Remember when Lady Gaga showed up in a freakin' egg?? Those were the days. Where's all the theater gone? 

Similarly, remember when the Kardashians hadn't taken over the fashion industry and influenced people to wear barely-there, naked dresses and Balmain? I do. I do. 

AND YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN. 

4. Britney Spears

Again - basic. BUT. With Britney, sometimes "basic" is a great thing. Sister knows that all eyes are on her with the release of her newest album, Glory, and she's playing it smart. No weirdo outfits, no risks - simple, body-con, black pumps, killer hair. I know it's boring, okay? I know. But #leavebritneyalone because she looks great, even if it could've been a more exciting look. 

4. Hailey Baldwin

Hailey is also representing the second alternative spelling of "Haley" in this post. Good for you, girls. Plant those flags. 

In what is now becoming a pattern of looks that I can't really fully get behind but have to because the others are so SO bad, this is just polished enough to be on this side of the list. It's tailored, it's beautiful, the head styling is really nice, and I really wish the pants were opaque. 

Is it so much to ask that I don't have to look at the panties of every celebrity who steps outside? Somebody get her a beach towel to wrap around her waist. 

5. Stella Maxwell

I have no idea who this person is, but I have nothing but respect for this outfit choice. Is it crazy? Sure it is. But this is the Video Music Awards, site of such legendary moments as Britney and Madonna making out, Lady Gaga and the meat dress, Kanye beginning the Taylor and Kanye feud, Miley twerking all over Robin Thicke. It's where Beyoncé announced she was pregnant. CAN WE GET A LITTLE DRAMA?

Of COURSE this outfit is insane. And yes, the top makes her boobs look like the eyes of a chameleon. But it's dramatic, bold, and risky - exactly what the VMA red carpet should be. And it's well-styled to boot. Stella may have just won the night in my book. 

6. Nicki Minaj

To be honest, I passed over this look the first time. The amount of cleavage was off-putting at first. But the more I look at it, the more I realize that this is actually a good look for Nicki. Great color, styled well...I mean, I feel like I've already made my point about the sheer/naked dress movement, so I wouldn't be redundant, but I'll give this a solid B. 

...and that does it for "Looks That Didn't Make Me Violently Ill." 

Let's get down and dirty with the not-so-good. 

Wretch. 

1. Naomi Campbell

Would have been a slam dunk, except that I'm way too distracted by whether Naomi Campbell's Naomi Campbell is about to make an appearance. We couldn't have moved that slit over just a BIT?? I mean, I guess I did ask for dramatic looks, but damn.

2. The Guy From The Fault In Our Stars

A case study in what happens when you make an average white guy feel cool. Overkill, my man. Get some sewing scissors, snip those threads off your pants, and go home to think about your choices. 

3. Whoever These People Are

This is a joke, right? Where's Ashton Kutcher? 

This looks like one of those lists featuring the worst Wal Mart family photos of all time. To just say it out loud so we can all bask in the ridiculousness, this woman, arguably in her third trimester of pregnancy, has elected to wear no shirt and boob jewelry to a nationally televised red carpet event. 

Listen, I fully plan to turn into Jabba the Hutt when I'm pregnant and eat literally anything that crosses my path, so let me first say that this girl looks like a million bucks. But like...shirt. Shirt. Just put a shirt on. Somebody gave you some bad advice, girl. 

3. Goth Barbie

I didn't think the sheer dress trend could get any worse, but this is both sheer AND crotch-centric. And doesn't have a lining in the top. So...yep. That really happened. 

4. Baddie Winkle

Had not had the pleasure of meeting Ms. Winkle until this moment, but apparently she's an 88 year old "American Internet Personality." So there's that. 

Ms. Winkle, if I may - it seems that you have been misguided by an evil stylist and/or a mischievous grandchild. Might I suggest you call Dame Helen Mirren and get some tips from her? I feel like she could point you in the right direction. Because we can see your winkle. 

Respectfully,
My Eyeballs. 

5. Dascha Polanco

Daya! No! You're beautiful and you can do better than this. Let's hook you up with Christian Siriano, who has done a beautiful job dressing some of your colleagues from OITNB. Love you!! 

6. ...ugh. 

He looks like he just got finished painting a house and she looks like she just got out of the shower. Can't even with these two. Actually cannot. Let's stop giving them what they want and talk about something else. 

7. Nick Jonas

Nicky Nicky Jo Jo. Ya got rick rack on your jacket, my man. Take it to Hobby Lobby and have them do something about that. 

And that concludes our red carpet report! Hope everyone has a great Monday - sorry for the damage these outfits inevitably caused to your brains first thing on a weekday. We should all go wash our eyeballs in one of those sinks they have in science labs for when you get a chemical burn in your retinas. See you tomorrow. 

5 Things: YouTube Videos to Make You LOL.

Because, don't we all need a great belly laugh going into the weekend? 

Here we go: 

1. Insane Man Impersonates Insane Dog

I'd encourage you to watch this one several times because it only gets better. First you'll watch the guy, then you'll watch his wife (who has clearly been through this kind of shit before, as she is very stoic and thinking something like, "Damn it, Ray. Come on." Then you'll watch it five more times, wondering what made this man think, "Yeah, I'm just gonna go for it." 

2. Billy On The Street

If y'all haven't discovered Billy On The Street, allow me to introduce you. You, meet Billy Eichner, hysterical (and very scream-y) comic who appeared on Parks and Rec and now stars in the Hulu original Difficult People (which is HYSTERICAL and you should be watching it). Every single episode of Billy on the Street is solid gold, but this is one of my favorites. I especially like the guy who is like, "No, I'm cool," when offered the opportunity to sing with AMY FREAKING POEHLER. 

3. Jurassic Park Melodica

I won't say anything about this ahead of time except to say that if this doesn't make you laugh, I want you to send me a text message and I'm going to drive to your house afterwards to check your pulse. 

4. Gladys calls Ellen

Nothing will warm your heart like Ellen talking to this old, kind of batty lady. She is really just a really, really funny phone call wherein Ellen basically entertains a 5-minute phone call with a TRULY hilarious woman. This is one of my all-time favorite YouTube videos. "I love Jesus but I drink a little." Come on. 

5. Back Home Ballers

This #girlpower SNL video is just real, real good. Anyone who has ever gone off to school then come home for a holiday break understands this one. You're going to laugh and you're going to be signing it all day. #bowlsbowlsalltypesofbowls

"All of the sudden" and Other Mis-used Phrases

When I planned my blog posts for this week, I had no idea yesterday would be such a big day in the world of Mary Catherine's blog. Thank you guys again for all you did to make my Letter to Middle School Girls see enough traffic that the HuffPo editors featured it on the front page. Still kind of surreal. 

That being said, I thought long and hard about whether I should scrap this post and write a new one, as I might have some new followers who are reading my blog for the first time. 

And I said to myself, "Self? What are we gonna do here?" 

Ultimately, I decided to press on and post it anyway. Although I am definitely aware that there's pretty much nothing less likable than a person who corrects your grammar. Jordan tells me regularly that no one cares about this stuff as much as I do, because, and I quote, "English is just not as important as science." 

...I know. I know. Let's just pretend he didn't say that. 

So this one goes out to all my nerds. Walk with me down this road of things that make me want to pull out my hair: 

1. "All of the sudden."

This is actually one that probably every second person in this country uses. The phrase is "all of A sudden," as there is no such thing as "the sudden." That'd be referring to one specific, singular "sudden," which doesn't make much sense if you think about it. (I can already see my husband rolling his eyes.) 

2. "For all intensive purposes." 

So if I'm being totally honest, I said this until about my junior year in college, at which point my friend Wes said, "Um...say that again?" It was horrible and embarrassing, but I haven't mis-pronounced it since. "For all intents and purposes," is the correct one here, which, once again, just makes sense. 

3. "Case and point." 

Listen up all you lawyers. It's actually "Case in point," and is usually used when someone is telling a story that also serves to prove whatever point it is they're making. Take the following story, for example: 

"...and THEN - you guys won't believe it. And THEN he says to me, he says, 'Why are you talking about the rules of the English language all of the sudden? Nobody cares about that. Science is way more important.' I mean, CASE IN POINT, am I right??" 

(I'm right.) 

4. "Nip it in the butt."

Please don't nip anyone's butt. "Nip it in the bud," is what people mean to say - the idea being that if you catch something early on (AKA, "the bud," an early stage), it's easier to handle. Only nip butts if you have written consent. 

5. "I could care less."

Could you?? Could you? I bet that's not what you mean. The correct phrase is, "I COULDN'T care less." If you "could care less," that means you still care a little. Example: 

"English is stupid and science rules." 
"Well, you're a giant goober and I couldn't care less about your opinion on this subject." 

6. "Irregardless." 

This one isn't a phrase, but it does bug. "Regardless" is what people mean to say, but they accidentally double-negative themselves into submission by adding the "ir" at the beginning. I think "irregardless," if it were a word, would translate to "without without regard." And now I'm officially confused. 

7. "Getting off scotch free." 

Gonna be honest, had to look this one up. I know it was "scot(t) free," but I thought it might be spelled like my last name, and I also had no idea where this came from. Turns out. the correct spelling is "scot free" - "scot" is derived from an old Swedish word for "taxes" (skatt), and was popularized by Ralph Waldo Emerson. WHO KNEW?! 

8. "Should of." 

Should have. I feel this one needs no further explanation. Example: 

"Jordan should have been nicer to me because grammar and idioms are important parts of life and now I'm just going to stop correcting him and let him flail around and look foolish."

9. "Less than" vs. "fewer." 

This one is particularly nerdy, but it will make you feel super smart. "Less" is used to refer to something amorphous or unfixed, whereas "fewer" is used when talking about a specific number of things. Example: 

"Jordan, I got fewer than ten likes on this blog post because people think I'm a prissy pain in the ass." 
"That's ten more than I thought you'd get. People probably like you a lot less now." 

10. "Runner-ups" or "sister-in-laws." 

Last one, I promise. So the correct usage here would be "runners-up" and "sisters-in-law." The way to make that work is always to pluralize the noun instead of pluralizing the entire phrase - you're talking about your sisters, not your laws. 

Remember that Gilmore Girls episode where Lorelai finds out that the plural of "cul-de-sac" is "culs-de-sac?" Mmhmm, I do. Because "cul" means "bottom." Right?! It's SO good! Fascinating! Anyone? Anyone?? 

Welp, I wanna go watch Gilmore Girls now and try to pretend like I still have friends after writing this post. 

XO. 

5 Things You Would Never Expect about Me

Here at 5 Things Friday, we strive to bring you collections of interesting information, facts, lists, and recommendations. Despite the fact that this blog I run this blog, I don't do a lot of talking about just me. It's usually Jordan and me, or The Bachelor and me, or the kitchen and me. Today, though, 5 Things are going be facts about yours truly. 

1. When I was 8, I went to New York and auditioned for a Broadway agent. 

I have always loved to sing, and on a big trip to NYC in 3rd grade, part of the gig was that I got to meet with talent agency. I had no idea what I was doing, so I sang her Gavroche's excerpt from Little People in Les Miserables. 

For you non-theater weirdos, Gavroche is a boy, and that little ditty is about 5 lines long. So...there's that. She was probably like, "Who the hell is this person??" I'm sure most people sang gender-appropriate, full songs. 

She told me my accent was way too strong and that I would probably not do very well unless I hired a dialect coach to get rid of it. So here I am, Broadway contract-less, but Southern accent strong. #rolltide 

2. I am pretty unathletic, except when it comes to disc golf. 

It's very possible that this was an anomaly, but I'm choosing to believe I have a gift. 

This most recent trip to Tulsa (where my parents now live), Jordan convinced everyone to play disc golf. I was REALLY not looking forward to it. I threw my first disc, and...it went the direction I wanted it to go. And it just kept happening. It was freakish, but I wasn't challenging whatever disc golf gods were on my side that day. 

So if you play disc golf with me, watch out. I'm profoundly not terrible and I might just beat you. 

3. Loose hair is #1 on my list of things that gross me out.  

This has actually always been the case. My mom tells me stories of having to make sure there weren't loose strings on any of my clothing or shoes when I was younger because it bothered me so much. 

My freshman year in college, every time I would take a shower, there'd be a fresh clump of someone's hair in the shower drain (this is making me gag to even type). Or, better yet, someone would clean out the shower drain and then slap the hairball ON THE WALL OF THE SHOWER WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DOES THAT. 

If I or anyone else finds a hair in their food, that's pretty much game over. Hairballs in movies, that scene in The Ring where Naomi Watts chokes on a long string of hair...I actually can't keep typing this because I'm going to throw up. You get the point. 

And the good Lord saw fit to give me a dog that sheds as much as two dogs put together - maybe this is a boot camp for my inevitable long, dark haired future children. I just can't. I don't wanna. Please don't make me. 

4. I once got the worst spray tan anyone has ever gotten. 

I should've known when I walked into the studio and the walls and windows were sticky and dripping wet with old spray tan solution. She had me put duct tape on the bottoms of my feet to avoid getting slimed. It was like a Saw movie. I was half-expecting that weird masked figure to pop up and be like, "YOUR VANITY HAS RUINED YOUR LIFE. NOW YOU MUST DRINK TANNING SOLUTION IN ORDER TO LIVE." 

Anyway, here's what ended up happening. 

Yep. Real. I sat in a bathtub full of baking soda for two hours, to no avail. I ended up having to go to the event like this, and at one point I was standing under a black light by accident. My WHOLE BODY glowed. It was...special. And awful. 

5. I am a little bit claustrophobic because Parker used to sit on my head. 

Here is a picture of my brother and me. See how much taller and bigger he is? 

Mmmkay. Well, when we were little (he was normal-sized then, but I'm using the photo above to make my story sound more dramatic), he used to throw a blanket on my head and sit on me. My arms, legs, everything was trapped, and I couldn't get out. For four to five harrowing seconds, I thought I would die. Then he would move and everything would return to completely fine. 

To this day, I can't sleep with both arms and both legs under the covers. I had to have at least one limb free to move. If I'm under a blanket on the couch, for example, and Jordan comes to sit down sweetly next to me, if he sits on my blanket by mistake and traps my limbs underneath, I am panicked until I can free myself. Only then can I actually enjoy his company. Otherwise, I basically feel like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. In the coffin. MY NIGHTMARE. 

Well, this took a really neurotic turn, didn't it? But I'm committing to it. Hope you enjoy this stroll down Mary Catherine Belongs In The Loony Bin Road. Have a great weekend, friends!