DNR - JTI: To ACTUALLY Kill a Mockingbird

First, let me say, pardon the progress on the blog. I'm in the process of making it a little prettier. Hope you like the changes so far! 

Now, then. 

Dear Mockingbird Outside My Window in College circa 2010,
I honestly didn't know what mockingbirds were, apart of famous Southern literature. I didn't know that the reason you got that name is that you're a world-class imitator. I also didn't know that I hate mockingbirds until you decided to live in the tree outside my window. I hate you. I hate everything you are. I hate that you imitate a car alarm at 5 AM. Don't you know this is COLLEGE?? People are trying to sleep in and skip class. Beat it. DNR - JTI. 

Dear That Same Mockingbird,
Listen, chump. I wish I felt bad about waking up this morning at 4:43, snatching the glass of water from my nightstand, opening my window, and hurling said glass at you. But I don't. The only thing I'm sorry about is that I don't have better aim. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Mockingbird Outside My Window in Eutaw circa 2011,
Listen. I am a first-year teacher. I am trying to teach class every day. I am trying not to die. I am trying to grade lesson plans. You imitating garbage trucks all day, EVERY DAY is driving me to drink. You know what you should imitate? A mute. Or a mime. I'm sure any circus would happily oblige. Please leave and never come back. 

Dear Mockingbird Outside My Window in Homewood circa 2014,
Hi! I'm a newlywed. I'd like to have those adorable Nancy Meyers moments where my husband and I wake up in a room streaming with golden light and then drink coffee in bed while talking about our weekend plans. I can't have that. Do you know why? Because you're out there. Screaming at us. There's no golden light. There's no coffee in bed. There's me waking up with drool dried to my cheek and bags under my eyes so big you could store your groceries in them. BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP. BECAUSE OF YOU. SCREAMING. I feel like Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs. Except my lambs are MOCKINGBIRDS. 

Dear God,
Is this the same bird? Tell me the truth. Is this the same bird at every house? Are you trying to teach me a lesson in patience? Are you trying to show me how trivial my problems are if the biggest hurdle in my life is a mockingbird? I'm sorry I'm so ungrateful. 

Dear Cat Stuck in a Tree circa Two Nights Ago,
Jordan and I were casually sitting on our porch - having a cocktail, playing a card game. Your distressed meows were very concerning to us. We heard them over and over until it became clear that you really needed help. Did you see Jordan descend our porch steps? Did you hear him speaking in dulcet tones to try and coax you down? DID YOU SEE MY HEAD EXPLODE WHEN I REALIZED YOU WEREN'T A CAT, BUT A FREAKING MOCKINGBIRD??????? Did you hear me yell, "Oh HELL NO," so loudly that the neighbors across the street turned and looked? Could you still hear me yelling at you once I was inside? I hope so. Because there were a lot of swear words. You bastard. I could practically hear you laughing from the tree. 

Dear All Mockingbirds Ever,
You have been #1 on my hit list for quite some time, but your friend's cat-imitation antics the other night have pushed things over the edge. You've been protected in nature by the Law of Harper Lee, but NO MORE. I'm rallying everyone against you because I know you're not sweet little songbirds. You are full-sized demons living in tiny little bodies. I bet your heads can spin all the way around. Ms. Lee, God rest her soul, didn't write that book in the age of car alarms and other electronic nuisances. She didn't know what she was saying. 

DNR - JTI: TV Edition

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear Scandal,
We're breaking up. Well, we broke up, I should say. I tried to break up with you two years ago, but then the most recent season got added to Netflix on an afternoon when Jordan was out of town, so I binged you while I painted my nails. I haven't watched you in three weeks because you are mind-rottingly dumb. I'm sorry. Not even Kerry Washington's fabulous outwear could change my mind. It's not me, it's you. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Mad Men,
You were the best I ever had. I think about you all the time. Your costumes, your beautiful actors. I saw Joan's mean ex-husband in a show this week and refused to like him because I know who he really is. Please come back. Just one more episode. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Girls,
This season I hated every single one of your major protagonists. They were entitled, annoying, indecisive, rude, inappropriate, helpless, selfish, and narcissistic. But your finale? One of the best episodes of TV I've ever seen. Lena Dunham, you've still got it. I'll be back next season. Good work. DNR - JTI. 

Dear 19 Kids and Counting,
I miss you. OBVIOUSLY I don't support The Duggars' anti-gay attitudes, or their arguably anti-feminist attitudes, or any of the other not-so-savory things. And OBVIOUSLY I am repulsed by the wildly creepy Josh Duggar (YIKES - that guy. Yeesh.). But I miss having a show on TV where there was good, solid, old-timey family fun. I miss watching you guys make 45 hashbrown casseroles together and eat them all. I miss watching the girls get ready by using chemically dangerous amounts of Aussie Sprunch Spray. I miss Cousin Amy showing up and scandalizing everyone with her bare kneecaps. You guys were the best. Sorry about your bad luck. DNR - JTI.

Dear Grey's Anatomy,
Back in 2005, I was a sophomore in high school, and you premiered. The show was so good that even my dad watched the first season, which was New York Times acclaimed. Eleven years later, I can't quit you. I just can't. It's too nostalgic for me to quit. I want to. Oh, boy do I want to. But I'll be here until Ellen Pompeo leaves/dies tragically or the show ends - whichever comes first. All the characters that I love, save a few, have died of shark attack/alien invasion/hospital gunman/exploding head (or some other insane event). But I'm holding on with the OG, Meredith Grey. I hate that I love you. DNR - JTI.

Dear The Sopranos,
Jordan and I are going to start watching you because we need a quality show to watch together. I'm sorry I fell asleep during your first episode. It's not an indication of how much I care about you. I was just really, really tired. DNR - JTI.

Dear Narcos and Bloodline,
Season 2. STAT. Get on it. Hurry it up. DNR - JTI.  

Dear Saturday Night Live,
The last few episodes have been really awkward and/or bad. Peter Dinklage? An hour full of awkwardness. Russell Crowe? An hour full of bad.  (That "Bear me a son!" sketch was particularly cringe-worthy.) And I really had high hopes for Julia Louis-Dreyfus, but there were only a couple of sketches that really made me LOL. One of them wasn't a sketch at all, really - it was Nick Jonas. That guy is just a hoot. ...oh he wasn't trying to be funny while singing? Welp. He was. Turns out he's not that great a performer. Come ON, SNL! You have a great cast. You can do better than this. Been a great season up to this slump, though. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,
I am yours forever. Please never leave me, because we are two of a kind. 

DNR - JTI: Traffic Edition.

Dear Pedestrians Crossing the Street,
Listen, I get it. I don't always cross at a crosswalk, either. Usually I just run like a terrified rodent across the road at whatever place I see the opportunity. Notice how I said "run?" This is my problem with you people: unless you are elderly or otherwise impaired, if you're crossing the road NOT at a crosswalk, I better see some hustle. I want to see that brisk jog that says, "I'm not jogging for speed, I'm jogging out of appreciation." No leisurely strolls across the road. No. Hop along or get outta here. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Truck Parked in Front of Me,
You have a "Make America Great Again: JAIL HILLARY!" bumper sticker on your 1965 Ford pickup. And yet, when I got out of my car, you were kind to me and complimented me on my parallel parking. I don't like complicated. Be one thing. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Drivers Who Wait Until the Last Second to Merge When a Lane Closes,
We see you. We ALL see you. We know you saw that "RIGHT LANE CLOSED" sign just like we did, miles back. And yet, here you are, trying to shove your car through my life -- trying to break in line, really -- right at the front of the pack. Well, NOT TODAY. I mean, I might let you in, but I'm going to hate you the whole time. I have no grace to give you on this subject. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Guy Who Drove Up Beside Me Yesterday,
I don't really even know what to say, here. You caught me sending a text while driving, and you held up a sign that you'd obviously pre-written. In big, black letters I read, "PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN!" I wonder how many times you've gotten the chance to use that sign today. I feel convicted, violated, embarrassed, and angry at you. But you were right. Maybe get a hobby, though. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Interstate Drivers,
The left lane is not for setting your cruise control. The left lane is for fast driving and passing. Not for cruising. For passing. Don't cruise in it. Just pass in it. Please. I'm begging you. DNR - JTI.

Dear State Trooper,
A friend of yours, also a Trooper, told me once that we can all safely go 10 mph over the speed limit without being pulled over. This rule has worked for me so far. Thanks for the tip. You're the best! DNR - JTI. 

Dear Dad,
Remember when I was 15 and you paid me $20 to help you with a case you were working on? You said you were representing a client who had some traffic violations, and that you needed to know what the fine and punishments were for reckless driving in each county in Alabama. Remember that? Well it took me another decade, but I finally figured out that there was no client. You just wanted me to know that if I go 20 mph over the speed limit, I'm going to owe the government $2,500 and may get my license taken away. That was crafty. I still haven't forgotten. One day, I will also trick my own children, assuming cars will still be driven by humans when my kids are 15. We could all be robots by then. DNR - JTI. 

DNR - JTI: Facebook Edition

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear People Who Use Facebook In Place of Going to the Doctor,
I recently saw a status - a status that inspired this entire post, actually - that read, "Doubled over in pain. Uncontrollable stomach cramping for 5 hours. Any ideas??" I do have an idea: go to the emergency room. There, you will find scores of trained professionals who have attended years of schooling to be able to answer just such a question. Conversely, on Facebook, you will find a lot of people who have the same access to WebMD that you do, in addition to a lot of people who believe themselves to be doctors, but are not. If it's attention you're looking for, just go ahead and post a picture of a puppy or baby orangutan or something like that. People LOVE that stuff. I know I'd certainly enjoy it more. DNR - JTI. And go to the doctor. 

Dear People Who Are Outraged and/or Disgusted About Something,
It seems to me that in most problems can be solved with a couple of deep breaths and some more information. In many cases, if I'm outraged, I find that it's because I don't have all the facts. Whenever I've done more research, or talked to someone more informed than I am, I usually get a lot cooler-headed and am so thankful I didn't do anything rash, like post something on the Internet, about whatever it was. I know, I know, getting more information and just breathing deeply won't work for everyone. But try it. See how it feels. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,
Every single video you post is a delight. Melissa McCarthy doing "Colors of the Wind" was a highlight of my week. It even made my husband laugh out loud. Keep doing you. DNR - JTI. 

Dear People Who Start Their Posts With, "I usually don't post stuff like this...",

DNR - JTI. 
 

Dear Some of My Former Students Who Post Things That Would Make R. Kelly Blush,
Don't you remember the whole lesson I did on how the Internet is forever?? I am about to private message you with the fire of a thousand suns. You're better than that. DNR - JTI. And then quit it.

Dear Social Media,
Thank you, sincerely, for not being around when I myself was a youth. Livejournal contains plenty of emotionally overwrought entries from 14-year-old me, but the idea that I could have (and would have) posted 1,000 selfies of my awkwardly parted hair and general middle school-ness gives me goosies. Bless the hearts of the children who are coming of age in front of a screen. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Every 20 Year Old Girl Posting Pictures of College,
You have no idea how much fun the time you're living in is. Adulthood has its own awesome things, like never having take another final again, getting married, and making money. But after you graduate? You don't get to go to formals once a quarter. No swaps. No fraternity parties in the basement. No getting covered in beer. It's only wedding receptions from here on out, and while those are really fun, it's the only big occasion to dress up anymore. LIVE IT UP, KIDS. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Everyone,
Please forgive me for the thousands of Facebook etiquette laws I have inevitably breached. I'm sure lots of you are so glad that there's an "Unfollow" button, though those people probably won't even be reading this post, because, you know...they unfollowed. I am a lot. It's true. I bet you could do a whole DNR - JTI just for me. You guys are great. DNR - JTI. 

DNR- JTI.

Do Not Respond, Just Take It. 

Dear Twitter,
I come to hang out with you to see all my friends and celebrities I wish were my friends be quippy and brilliant in fewer than 140 characters. I do NOT come to you to have that feed interrupted by the trailer for the newest scary movie Lights Out. Do not show me this. I am now scared and alone in my house. This is unfair. Stay in your lane. 

Dear Jordan,
Thank you for your morbid curiosity that led you to also watch this trailer, but one of us has got to be the one who says "no" to these things. Thank you for narrating what's happening in the trailer as it unfolds so that it's less scary for us both: "Oh. So, okay. So they're gonna turn the lights out and then that thing is gonna be there. Aaaaand there it is. Light on, no thing. Lights out, the thing. Okay. I get it. And now it'll probably get closer to the camera. Yep, yep, it's closer. Okay. That's fine. I was expecting that. Okay." I love you so much and you are the best. 

Dear YouTube Suggestions Section,
The fact that in your suggestions was not only the trailer for this movie, after we clicked on it, after we saw it on Twitter, but also the SHORT FILM THIS MOVIE WAS INSPIRED BY, is not cool. Because OBVIOUSLY we're gonna click on that, too. I have not screamed out loud at a movie or trailer in...maybe ever, actually. But the end of that short film? Screamed. Blew Jordan's eardrums out. Scarred for life. Your fault. Pay for my therapy. 

Dear Children/Villains/Ghouls in Lights Out,
How will you ever recover from having been so scary?? Do you have that moment where you think someone is sneaking up behind you and then feel guilty because you personally have caused that moment for millions of viewers? I hope you lose sleep over this. I hope you accidentally catch your reflection in the mirror and it scares you because you remember how scary you were in that movie one time. I hope there's some kind of support group that Linda Blair founded for you people. 

Dear Random Lamp in my Living Room,
I'm sorry I almost attacked you last night because I thought your shadow was some sort of paranormal presence, even though I don't believe in that stuff. ...mostly. Blame all of the aforementioned sources of angst for that. Don't hate me. Love you. 

Dear Alarm System,
Thank you for providing me with the comfort of knowing that anyone who would ever try to break into our house would not only be immediately apprehended, but also immediately deafened by the sound you produce when you are set off. Thank you for making sure we don't die of carbon monoxide poisoning or a fire or flood. Could you also include a feature for ghost detection? I think it would sell big. Think about it. 

Dear The Office,
Have you ever heard of a thundershirt? You know, those compression jackets you put on dogs to calm them down when there's a bad storm? That's what you do for me. Especially after seeing something scary. I can always count on you, The Office. You're the third person in my marriage. Well, fourth. Me, Jordan, Jordan's beard, and you. Gonna need you later tonight when I turn the lights off and get scared again. 

Dear Ghosts, 
I am a nice lady and I'll give you whatever you want in exchange for not scaring me. I'm a good baker. Interested? Let's negotiate. 

DNR - JTI.

As always, credit where it's due to Mollie Erickson who invented DNR - JTI on her much funnier blog, found here. 

Dear Mother Nature, 
I feel like I've been pretty cool about this whole "real winter" thing you do in the mountains. I've lived with 3 or 4 months of totally grey skies and not complained too much. But you gave me spring, girl. Ya gave me SPRING. Flowers and warm weather and meals on the front porch. I put all our sweaters into a giant trunk. And then the temperature dropped 30 degrees. There were actually snowflakes yesterday. NOT COOL. Get right. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Ladies at Pure Barre,
I'm coming to see you today for the first time, and I'm really nervous. I don't know how to "tuck." I don't have barre clothes. I do not have a ballerina body. Please go easy on me and my big athletic thighs. I feel like it's the first day of middle school all over again. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Steven Spielberg,
Over the weekend, my husband suggested that we watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Now, I'm all for a classic movie, so I settled right in. Little did I know that this movie would drag on FOR THE LENGTH OF A BIBLE and only be compelling in the last 15 minutes. And don't even get me started on how Richard Dreyfuss just BAILS ON HIS FAMILY and joins the aliens. What the hell?! No. No, Steve. Swing and a miss. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Tom Hanks the Dog, 
You are seriously the best. Your ears are soft, you're fun to hang out with, and you seem to really like me. Your beard is such a people-pleaser. I freakin' love you so much. DNR - JTI. (But you wouldn't have responded anyway.) 

Dear Ninja Coffeemaker,
Thanks for turning me from a one-cup-a-day person into a four-cups-a-day person with your convenience and deliciousness. You really brighten my morning and, though I know the crash is coming, the caffeine high is so great while it lasts. Keep doing you. DNR - JTI. 

Dear Jordan,
I'm sorry we haven't had groceries in our house for the last few days. I convinced myself that I could cook meals out of scraps/whatever we had in our pantry, zombie apocalypse style. And yet, all we ended up doing was ordering out. It was wasteful, but you were really patient and a good sport about eating pizza last night. And today for lunch. In your lunchbox. Spoiler alert. I love you! DNR - JTI.