Week 6.

Okay so last week's episode began with the battle of Corinne vs. Taylor. This week is also beginning that way. CAN TAYLOR LEAVE ALREADY? 

PART -I (Also known as last week's pre-rose ceremony): 

• Oh RIGHT I forgot that crazy ass Taylor let those swamp people rub oil on her and now we have to find out why. 

• Man she's walkin' with a purpose, huh? Looks like me when someone says, "Pizza!" 

• Taylor interrupts Corinne and Nick's meal and, like the weasel he is, Nick leaves his current date to go hang out with another girl.

• ...I don't think he's really concerned with whether you're taking this anymore, Taylor. Thankfully, the option for you to take or not to take this has  been removed from the table! 

• ...wait, that's it?? We STILL DON'T KNOW WHY SHE GOT RUBBED DOWN? She didn't even put a hex on him or anything?! 
• RIP Taylor. You were really annoying and now you're trying to make yourself a martyr to get rid of Corinne. 

PART I: Rose ceremony. 

• Harrison comes in and drops the bomb: NO COCKTAIL PARTY FOR YOU. 

• Dolphinshark knows she's headed home. 
• So: Josephine, Jasmine, and Jamie are gone, maybe? 

• VANESSA. WHO WEARS A BRA WITH A SPAGHETTI STRAP DRESS. 
• Good grief, someone please call the fashion police. 
• I'm so distracted by that flagrant bra that I'm not even paying attention. Okay who went home? 
• Josephine, Dolphinshark (NOOOOO!), and Jaime? 
• Wow Jasmine is STILL HERE. They have had exactly 0 meaningful conversations that we've gotten to see. WTF.
• At least Josephine can get back to her cats.
• It was beautiful while it lasted, Dolphinshark. We loved you the most. CUE THE SARAH MCLACHLAN. 

Masterfully done by Darren Kusmirek.

PART II - One-on-one. 

• Did these girls not get the memo from that last haunted house date?? DON'T WEAR JEANS AND WHITE TOPS. Everyone does that. 

• You fools look like you're in a girl band. 
• But Rachel, my queen, looks perfect. 
• Okay. Kristina gets the date. Interesting, interesting. 

• I think that Kristina interests Nick not because she's multifaceted, but actually he enjoys congratulating himself that he'd be interested in a multifaceted girl. I mean LOOK at how smug he is. 
• "She has a sister in Russia. Does that make me look cool or WHAT??" 

• WAIT. 
• STOP. 
• Is he wearing a Livestrong bracelet?!?! 

Meanwhile, back at the Marriott: 

• ABC, this is low, even for you. You plant a "nanny" to give Corinne even more storyline?? 

• Oh no she's really doing things for her. Oh no oh no. 
• WHY WOULD ABC THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE AN OLDER BLACK WOMAN SERVE A YOUNG SPOILED WHITE GIRL?! Have you no idea how this looks, you idiots?? 

• My husband literally took one look at this and said, "Oh, GOD. No WAY." 
• Dear ABC,
  This was very bad. You are stupid and, as usual, at least vaguely racist. This time it wasn't even vague.
  Sincerely, Everyone. 

Back on the date...

• Kristina tells Nick, no exaggeration, one of the most gut-wrenching stories I've ever heard. 
• Okay this Kristina stuff is absolutely the heaviest and most inspiring thing I've ever heard on this show. Holy HELL. 

• I was kind of crying through this whole thing. 

• Yes, would be. But you won't be, because you'll cut her loose in 2 weeks because she's too complicated for you. 
• RUN, KRISTINA. 

PART III - Group date. 

• Man they are really covering a lot of ground tonight! I'm here for it. 
• Okay y'all I have a hot take. 

• I don't like Vanessa. 

• I don't know!! I just don't care for her. She's a little too much. I think she'll reveal more of her hand and you'll agree with me eventually.
• This group date is just them all getting hammered. 

• ...while you creepily stand in the bushes and watch?? 

• Sometimes I like to remember what these folks do in the real world: 

• HahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah ya were. And now? You're playin' drunk volleyball for a weasel.
• Also why is everyone's bathing suit so weird and complicated? Danielle's was woven by a spider and Corinne's has 85 extra straps. 

• Then, the most amazing thing happens.
• All the women start to melt down because they're drunk enough to objectively realize how stupid this. 

• I totally totally totally totally totally agree with you, Rachel. Why the hell are these grown women playing volleyball "for" him?? This was so indecent and antifeminist. 
• This was so ridiculous. Everyone's wasted, you forced them to play volleyball while you watched like the creepy next door neighbor, and now they're all realizing how dumb that was. 
• I love this so much. This was stupid and it just blew up in his face. 

Later, at the afterparty...

• First of all, let's just assume everyone had a nice long nap. Because #probably. You can't daydrink like that without consequences, people. 
• Rachel has fabulous clothes. I want to switch wardrobes with her. 
• She tells Nick that it was almost curtains for him today, and he's all, "But please don't go home, that would make me sad."

• "Which is why I'm having...gas pains." Is probably how that sentence ended. 
• Anyway, the real drama is that Jasmine has officially come unhinged and she is DONE WITH THIS. 
• Everybody wave goodbye as she spirals into her doom!

• Nick and Jasmine finally get some alone time together and she is primed. Ready. Jasmine did NOT have a nap earlier. 

• Uh oh. Here come the tears. 

• Oh, no.
• Oh, NO. We went from tears to her miming choking him not once but THRICE.
• Oh that was extremely hard to watch. 
• Gah is this whole episode supposed to make me feel so damn uncomfortable? Where is the frippery?? Where are the fun, stupid dates?! 
• Anyway, as I said earlier, bye Jasmine!

PART IV: Two-on-one. 

• One thing I'll say about Nick is that he is not kidding around. We've already lost four girls in one episode and it looks like we're at least due to lose one more. 
• Okay. Tits vs. Whits. 

• What is gonna happen??? I think Tits is definitely headed to Sex Island (AKA Fantasy Suites). 
• Tits is adorable and we don't know a single damn thing about Whitney. 
• That is some VERY intense contouring for a day at the beach. 

• He keeps rubbing her leg in this upsetting way:

• Here's how this conversation goes: 
  Him: How are you feeling? 
  Her: Fine I guess but this whole thing is super weird but I'm gonna pretend it isn't. 
  Him: *Pretends to listen while groping her leg*
  Her: So...yeah. 
  Him: Totally. 
  AND SCENE! 
• Then he goes to visit Tits' part of the island.

• She's talking, but he's thinking: 

• So after 5 minutes with Tits he's like, "Okay yeah bye Whitney." 

• ...but still Tits doesn't have a rose?? Weird. 
• Then Nick 'n' Tits have some din din. 

• ...what?? So you're love adjacent adjacent? 
• What's the matter with him? Does he feel like he wants to send her home? Because he's acting constipated.

• I mean it might as well have been as simple as that. 
• Him: What flavors of ice cream do you like? 
  Her: Vanilla. Butter pecan. 
  Him: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. 
  Her: What about you?
  Him: Superman with sprinkles BYE.

• He is absolutely a stone cold psycho for letting her get through this whole conversation and still OBVIOUSLY about to send her home. 
• This is terrible. 

• AT LEAST PUT THE ROSE DOWN WHILE YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH HER.
• ASSHAT
• Then he goes back looking for some comfort. 

• "I just really want to be honest with you guys and tell you that I'm basically fearful for every single relationship. I'm worried that it's going to work out with none of you. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Anyway, good talk." 
• Sorry your life is so tough, Nicholas. Maybe stop throwing away quality girls and act less like a sewer rat. 
• Although obviously #teamRachel forever, though I can't decide if that means I'd rather her win or I'd rather her escape with her life. 
• He knocked out a whole MESS of girls tonight: 

At least we have this to look forward to next week:

• In the meantime, please bow your heads for a moment of silence.
• 🎶 I will remember youuuuuuuu 🎶 

Week 5.

• I'm gonna go on record as saying that I hope that Taylor gets her ass handed to her. Corinne is an 8-car pileup but Taylor is annoying as hell. 

PART -I: Rose Ceremony AKA Taylor and Corinne Showdown: 

• THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M F-CKING TALKING ABOUT, YOU DUMB BITCH. 
• Oh my gosh Corinne is the hero of this season. 
• The other girls discuss the massacre that's taking place:

• Or, written phonetically: "Azzhee end uhda day? We're owall heah for the same reason." 
• How is Dolphinshark one of the most entertaining girls on this show and we've barely gotten to know her?? 
• Corinne has turned this entire argument on its ear by coming out from behind and punching Taylor in the head with DARK HORSE DEBATE SKILLS. 

• What an amazing display of manipulation. 
• And then she drops THE BIG ONE: 

• If Corinne can pull this off and get Taylor eliminated, I am going to bow at the feet of the most successful Bachelor villain of all time. Because she will have convinced Nick to kick someone of the show by basically using her boobies.  
• Okay, rose ceremony.
• I bet Sweet Sarah is going home. I'm going to be so sad! I love her! 
• WHO IS WHITNEY???? 

• Why did Chris Harrison insist that they have this rose ceremony in the arctic?? Every time someone speaks their breath looks like they're in the water at the end of Titanic. 

• Spoiler alert: she does let go. 
• If they cut to Taylor one more freakin' time and she has that stupid look on her face. Will someone just punch her in the head and get it over with?? 

• Dophinshark keeps advancing! Man what a curveball! 
• KEEP SARAH YOU IDIOT.
• UGH I KNEW IT. 

• She's precious and that was a mistake, but whatever. He's a dumb dumb so it's not a surprise. 
• And they're headed to New Orleans. Or, as Nick pronounces it, "Norr-land."

PART I: One-on-one. 

• Part of me thinks this season is so good because Chris Harrison knew he had a lot of making up to do from last season. I mean Joje was fine or whatever but that season was boring and full of guys who were probably gay. This season has Corinne, haunted houses, and Dolphinshark. I really feel spoiled. 
• Date card:

• ...is it terrible that I'm shocked Hoxie knew how to pronounce "beignet" correctly?? 
• Rachel's self-perception is about as warped as Kanye's, except in the reverse direction. She doesn't think she's nearly as good as she is. Why are you still here, Rachel? You are SO too good for this. 
• Okay yeah seriously though this is a great date. 
• Okay wow this is a REALLY good date. 
• THIS IS VERY CUTE. 

• But REALLY. This is the best date I've ever seen on The Bachelor. And it's not just because of the activities. It's because Rachel is the highest quality person to have EVER BEEN ON THIS STUPID SHOW. 
• I'm having a hard time with it because I hate him so much.
• Rachel has it bagged. The end. The show is over. 
• The Dinner No One Eats date takes place in a warehouse where Mardi Gras floats are stored, AKA my actual nightmare. 

• They're already talking about meeting each other's families. 
• He is smiling like an idiot. Y'all. She's gotta win. 
• The drunker he gets the spittier his "s" gets.

• Like they genuinely look like they've fallen in love. 

• I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I'll marry her, Nick!!! 

• Aaaaaaaaand THAT'S THE SHOW! Tune in next season for Vanessa as The Bachelorette!! 
• Just kidding. Kinda.

PART II: Group date. 

• Tits McGee looks very different without makeup. 
• Wait wait wait there are three girls wearing white shirts and jeans/jean shorts? 

• They're all trying not to stand next to each other hahahahahaha.

• That's our Hoxie! 
• We meet "Boo," the caretaker of this old and creepy house, who was apparently hired from the local theater company 'cause his acting is about as good as Taylor's: 

• Second time I've gotten to use this GIF this season: 

• We are also introduced to Tall Danielle's bralette which I find to be very poorly styled: 

Meanwhile, back at the hotel: 

• Oh my gosh I COULD NOT LOVE HER MORE.
• Can we just name all the things she ordered from room service??

1. Caesar salad.
2. Wings.
3. "Cheese pasta" AKA mac and cheese.
4. A giant steak.
5. Mashed potatoes. 
6. Creme brulee. 
7. A giant slice of some kind of chocolate cake with raspberry sauce. 
8. Bread pudding? Maybe? Something else, though, for sure. 

• And Taylor prepares for the date by doing...this? 

• "I'm just going to meditate here in front of the mirror." Normal. 

Back at the "haunted' "mansion:

• You guys I'm gonna be really honest, this date bored me to tears. The only significant part was that Hoxie told him she loved him and he acted like a toenail. 

• By some miracle, Tall and Boring Danielle gets the rose. THE END GET ME OUTTA THIS CHEESY ASS TOURIST TRAP. 

PART III: Two-on-one. 

• So....um, this whole date feels vaguely racist? 

• Yeah this is about as authentic as that time Angela dressed up as Voodoo Mama Juju.

• Corinne gets a little alone time with Nick and tells him that Taylor called her stupid. 
• Taylor get alone time with Nick and defends herself by insisting that Corinne IS stupid. 

• But it's cool. 

• Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. If you're gonna call someone crazy, you better know that you've got the guy in your pocket first. Otherwise...

• So wait...he dumped her, hugged her, she walked off, then he left with Corinne on a boat?? 
• YEESSSSSSS, THIS SEASON - YES!!!
• Wait...what is happening? 
• A mental health counselor is letting a hired ABC cast of "voodoo tribe members" rub her down with baby oil? 
• Girl if you weren't awful before, now we know you have bad enough judgment to let the producers convince you to do this shit. Off with your head. 

'Til next week, my little cheese pastas. 

Week 4.

First things first - thanks so much to Andy Garden for taking over last week. I knew he'd kill it and he did. Okay, so I think we'll see Jasmine head home tonight. Otherwise, I don't know. It will probably be the Corinne show. 

PART -I: LAST WEEK.

• A classic issue. 
• Meanwhile Corinne is...unconcerned:

• We get some deliciousness courtesy of Canadian Vanessa:

• And Nick is rendered speechless as a result of this sound logic and normal reaction.
• Everybody needs to worry less about Corinne. Corinne has made an impact. Corinne will take care of Corinne. ...or maybe Corinne's nanny, Raquel, will. 
• Sweet Sarah and Dr. Ruth decide to confront Corinne about the fact that she's a walking hellscape, which leads to this amazing Bachelor moment:

...

...

...

• What these girls are failing to understand is that Corinne does not care. She is unaffected by the real world. Consequences have no meaning to her. This is probably a girl who squeezes toothpaste from the middle of the tube. She probably takes more than one bite to eat a Dorito. SOME PEOPLE JUST WANNA WATCH THE WORLD BURN. 

PART II, I GUESS? Rose ceremony. 

• Chris Harrison tries to "talk some sense into Nick" AKA pretend that he's not maniacally rubbing his hands together with glee every time Corinne opens her mouth, and Corinne aggressively scratches her eye:

Some other thoughts on this rose ceremony:

• Christen, you're totally going home tonight. 
• Taylor's high pony is reeeeeeeeealllllllllly bugging. I love ya girl, but that Ariana Grande hair has to go. 
• WHOA Jamie with the curveball straightened hair! 
• Hoxie (AKA Raven) is kept around. Hmm.
• DAMMIT I had Jasmine leaving tonight. Rats.
• Brittany...who are you???? 
• Me (AKA Josephine) gets a rose. 
• OBVIOUSLY CORINNE IS GETTING A ROSE. Duh. Why the suspense? We've all seen the previews where Taylor is fighting with her. 
• Bye Christa. Christen. Or something. 
• Ooooooo the finger chewing while crying is tough for me. I want to feel bad for you but I no longer do.

• I genuinely love Corinne. She is batshit crazy and I am here for it. There's absolutely nothing redeemable about her and it's pretty rare that you get a villain that is 100% disgusting. 

PART II - One on one.

• Chris Harrison is so savage. "You will literally be going around the world...but first,  A CAMPING TRIP IN THE BACKYARD! PACK YOUR BAGS!!!!"
• Can you imagine being on a plane with The Bachelor contestants?? Gah. My dream. 

• Nick's mom has a) veneers, and b) the same haircut as all those guys last season. 

• YOU AND ME BOTH, POPS. 
• McGee, Tits gets the date. I think she's gonna turn out to be good and boring. Maybe I'm wrong! I'm judging her based on appearance and what we've been allowed to see at this point, which is a lot of giggling. 

• Nick, please don't act like you had girls to make out with when you were in high school. At the LIBRARY of all places. Those poor books. 
• Nothin' like trying to kiss a guy with a big finger full of icing. 

• REALLY, ABC??? 
• "She's an ex." Oh yeah. I bet she was just coincidentally in that coffee shop. This is not a very good "surprised" face. 

• Poor McGee has to sit through this totally stilted conversation, but makes the most out of it. 

• Then they go have a "conversation" on a "hillside."

• They probably left all their garbage. 

• Cocktail dress means we get to see McGee's Tits! 
• Y'all she looks so uncomfortable. 

• McGee is going to either win the show or make it to the final three and then get dumped for "not opening up enough." 
• Listening to McGee's vocal fry is like listening to a record scratch for a straight hour. 
• BUT SERIOUSLY WITH THE BOOBS I think they went to a concert or something but I can't be sure because I was too distracted. 

PART III - Group date. 

• Anytime you see a group date wide shot, it's basically a microcosm of what's happening in fashion with basic white girls everywhere. This season: Ripped jeans. HIgh waisted. Capes. Crop tops.

• The way midwesterners pronounce the word "milk." really bugs me. "Melk." So gross and weird. Although I know the way I pronounce everything bothers everyone, so #withdrawn. 
• Sweet Sarah is so excited about any and everything. 
• I would actually be so excited for this date. 
• HIS JEANS ARE RIPPED?!?!?! I didn't think it was possible for me to hate him more but I do. 

• "I think some of the women are going to have to show him how it's done." ...

• So the bisexual girl gets in there and handles the teats. 
• This is really just too damn much. 
• Then this happens: 

• But she does. 

• And yet...who's winning in this situation?? 
• Corinne then describes herself as corn:

• Is it sick that that actually made me want corn?? Girlfriend is a hell of a salesman.
• Nick if anything has ever made you feel like you don't deserve love this book from special needs students should. 

• Meanwhile, Corinne opens the floor for questions and Sweet Sarah has had enough: 

• Corinne responds by gaslighting the shit out of everyone: 

• Michael Jordan. 
• Abe Lincoln. 
• CORINNE.

h/t my friend Darren Kusmerik who did this because it is f-cking brilliant. 

• "And I almost had to go to the hospital for it."
• Dear Chris Harrison,

The Russian gets the rose.

PART IV: One-on-one.

• I feel like Hoxie is going home.

...

• Also WHERE did Nick get his height??
• Let's just go ahead and get straight to it: 

• I've never in my lahf heard a story like that. Hoxie gets the rose. Mostly because I think Nick fears for his life. What is happening. 

PART V - Cocktail party

• Okay BUT REALLY WITH THE BOOBS

• Drunk Corinne, while pounding chicken nuggets, is completely overwhelming me with Bachelor joy. 

• Then Taylor decides to talk to Corinne. Or maybe it was the other way around but I can't stand Taylor or her high ponytail or anything about how involved she is in this situation at this point: 

• The upspeak y'all. THE UPSPEAK. 
• I just feel? Like you don't have the emotional intelligence? To enter into a healthy relationship? 
• I wouldn't be sorry if Corinne socked her. Or maybe we should just get Hoxie out here to take Taylor out back and stiletto her to death. 

And this is where I leave you. 

See you next week? For more of this terrible show? Hopefully Taylor can explain everything to us? 

Week 3.

Greetings Bach-Cap Nation,

Writing this guest post feels like I’m coming full circle: I wouldn’t even be watching Bachelor if it weren’t for Mary Catherine. I only started watching during JoJo’s Bachelorette season and I had no idea it could be this good. 

God help us.

Come, accept this rose, and join me for what promises to be the most EXPLOSIVE episode of The Bachelor ever.

• Alright. Preview. We're recapping Liz the Doula who HAS A SECRET that she's totally keeping on the DL by bringing it up at every possible moment.

PICTURED: LIZ'S SECRET MANAGEMENT SYSTEM

• Omg y'all, like, they met at Jade and Tanner's WEDDING and like totally had sexxxxxxxxx omg
• My favorite part of this story was that she got dumped in front of a Cold Stone Creamery.

LIKE IT, LOVE IT, GOTTA HAVE IT

• And now we get to see the AFTERMATH.

PART I: The Aftermath

• Ok, so part of me thinks Nick has had sex with multiple people on previous seasons of this very show, so people really shouldn't be surprised--they knew what they were getting into. But then, I can also see where I'd be upset if I were a contestant here.
• Brianna the Travel Nurse (who's somehow still here) with a grade-A teeth suck.
• "If you have a question, please ask me! I'm an open book." Nick's gonna be holding office hours in the candlelit alcove if you wanna swing by. He'll have free Dunkin'! He values your feedback!

CURRENTLY HANGING IN BACHELOR MANSION

• We see Vanessa, then Astrid getting time with Nick. Side note: no one named Astrid is gonna win The Bachelor. You gotta be a Lauren C to win this game.
• I have no idea who some of these people are.
• So far, everyone's reacting normally like a regular adult human person. So obviously it's time to check in on Crazy Town and see what Corinne's up to.
• "I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm" *THROWS ROBE TO THE FLOOR*

• Her eyes are not the eyes of a sane person. They just aren't.
• Everything's going on swimmingly at Bachelor Mansion. Meanwhile, somewhere near the service entrance, BLACK BOX OVER CORINNE'S BOOBS. She comes out to see Nick in just an overcoat and they walk to a giant red beanbag.
• Nick: "I'm very attracted to Corinne" as she is literally spraying whipped cream on her boobs.

Never forget that her "guilty pleasure" is Frasier. Frasier!

• I hate her so much. I really can't talk about the whipped cream any more so let's just skip to:

PART II: The Rose Ceremony

• Corinne sleeps through the rose ceremony.

• Crazyface aka Josephine gets a rose and I do not know why.
• Dolphinshark gets a rose and says, "move bitches," as she goes to get it. I love her so much.

QUEEN.

• Last rose. Prediction: Jasmine.
• NAILED IT.
• No longer with us: Hailey (aka no underwear), some blonde, Corinne's confidante. Corinne's gonna be pissed when she wakes up.
• Hailey tries to throw shade at Corinne for being gross but come on, Hailey, you introduced yourself by saying you weren't wearing underwear and later said you were your best self that day.
• Summary: no huge surprises.

PART III: Group Date I: Party Like It's 1999

• This group date randomly involves the Backstreet Boys. We've got Christen aka Jane the Virgin, Danielle L aka T. McGee, Raven aka Hoxie, Jasmine, some forgettable characters like Sarah, aaaaaaand ... Corinne.
• Jane is more excited than the rest. Backstreet's BACK, y'all.

• Side note: Backstreet > N*Sync. I won't take it back.
• But really this is a weird date.
• Sarah (who?): "Twelve-year-old me is so excited." Exactly.
• Corinne appears to be having an, ahem, acne problem on the upper chest. Whipped cream will do that to ya.
• The Backstreet Boys are starting a residency at PLANET HOLLYWOOD in Vegas. Applebee's must have already booked 98 Degrees.

PICTURED: NICK LACHEY WITH MEMBERS OF FEDERAL WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

• T. McGee is really getting into the 90s Britney look with her tied-up top and she's crushing it.
• Meanwhile, Corinne looks like a drugged penguin. Who is sitting on a folding chair in the corner.
• Corinne: "I'm not a crybaby when the attention's not on me, that's not me, I mean, no."

• TIME TO GO TO PLANET HOLLYWOOD!
• T. McGee gets the win and her reward is a slow dance with Nick (Viall, not Lachey) to an a capella version of I Want it That Way.
• Worst prize ever, but earlier T. told us that the Backstreet Boys are her favorite band. Not used to be. Are. Also, liberal use of the term "band."

PICTURED: DISAPPOINTMENT. ALSO PICTURED: ACNE

• Jasmine: "Every day, it's Corinne, Corinne, Corinne. I'm sick of talking about Corinne." Girl, me too.

HOW WE ALL FEEL.

PART IV: One-on-One Date

• YES. VANESSA.

• But first, more Corinne. We learn that her nanny Raquel makes "cheese pasta" like no one else. Is that... mac n cheese? Or some other type of cheese pasta? This is also someone who refers to choreography as "planned dancing."

• Nick takes Vanessa on a zero-G plane, which is sometimes termed the Vomit Comet. We already know where this is gonna end from the preview.

• A picture is worth 1,000 words. Oh, Vanessa. Sweet, sweet Vanessa.
• But we recover. To wrap up the date and get #vulnerable, Nick takes Vanessa to the tallest building in LA, which also had a cameo in Independence Day (1996).

STILL LESS EXPLOSIVE THAN VANESSA

• To lighten the mood, Vanessa tells Nick about the day of her grandfather's funeral.
• Apparently, she got a red rose in the car on the way to the funeral and roses make her think of that day, so this entire show is basically an unending nightmare of flashbacks for her.

"DO YOU WANNA PLAY A GAME?"

• She gets the rose, obv. Vanessa can really see herself falling for Nick, but the previews tell us that poolside tribulations are yet to come.

PART V: Group Date II: #fitness

• Commercial break note: I could not care less about this upcoming island of misfit toys group date. Rachel is the only redeeming thing here. And Dolphinshark. Always Dolphinshark.
• We open with Nick running laps on a track because #sports
• Some former Olympians run up and are immediately identified with excitement despite there being no way anyone would be able to do that. One is a shot putter. It's a very dated crew.

BASICALLY.

• Oh my god, this date is awful. The women are NOT prepared. Except, of course, for Noseballs. Girl's got like 6 sports bras on.
• Dolphinshark: "Nick always gets the silver medal, so I hope maybe he'll get the gold today"

• Dominique sees the writing on the wall early. "Always overlooked. Always overlooked."
• Side note: I couldn't remember who Dominique was and just wrote ??? as a placeholder until her name popped up.
• Astrid wins the grand prize, hot tub time with Nick, but she's so boring that the producers focus on Dominique, who has gotten zero screen time so far and is obviously about to go home.
• Back at Bachelor Mansion, Dominique decides to press it. Surprise: he's not interested. Next stop: tears in the back of the limo.
• No one reacts AT ALL when Nick tells them Dominique is gone.

PICTURED: DOMINIQUE

• Dolphinshark lies down with Nick on a giant printout of his face and I love her so much.
• The rose goes to Rachel (yay!).
• Prediction: Your final three are T. McGee, Rachel, and Vanessa. Rachel is your next Bachelorette.

PART VI: Perfect Storm Pool Party

• There are only EIGHT minutes left in this episode and I am DRAINED. It will not end.
• Dolphinshark, increasingly the muse of this show, previews the pool party: "these girls are really horny and I don't know how this is gonna work." Me either, Dolphinshark. Me either.
• Nick joins Corinne in a bouncy castle: "what are we doing?" Uhh... bouncing?
• Oh, jk, gross public sexy time is happening in the bouncy castle because Corinne.
• Dolphinshark proclaims this the worst pool party she's ever been to, which is saying something. Girl knows her way around a pool.
• Corinne is shown sleeping because that's the new Chad eating meat.
• HOXIE INTERVENTION TIME: "Corinne is 24 and has a nanny."

SHE MAKES GREAT CHEESE PASTA

• Hoxie drops truth left and right re: Corinne. Remember last week when she said that maybe that's the reason he's on The Bachelor for the 4th time?
• Hoxie: "She doesn't even know how to clean a spoon."

• Vanessa confronts Nick about his bouncy castle trysts with Corinne.
• "Are you looking for a wife? Or are you looking for someone to ---- around with?"

END OF THE EPISODE. BOOM.

• They packed A LOT into those last 8 minutes. Wow.
• Next week looks like the Corinne Confrontation this entire season has been building toward. Is Nick here for the right reasons? We'll find out.
• Spoiler: probably not but it'll be great TV.

Y'all, if you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me! So much happened this week. I'm glad I got to spend it with you. Til next time!

The Bachelor, Premiere.

I am so glad it's Snake. 

Seriously, can you imagine watching the show if it had been anyone else?? Like Chad?! 

Luke is so dreamy, so strapping, so...Luke. He's the best. I love him and I'm genuinely rooting for him. Don't you think he'll be a great husb--

HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE?!

Damn. Okay, jokes aside, I guess it's time to acknowledge that this ass-hat is actually running the show this year.

I don't have a bracket, but can we all just agree that we've ALL already lost because we're gonna watch Rick skulk around and bite his bottom lip and be generally terrible?

 I can just picture him now...probably in an extra room he calls his "study," oiling himself up in the mirror and flexing his pecs, considering Chris Harrison's offer. "I think I'll do it. I think America needs more of this." 

Secretly he's all, 

And I'm all, 

Oh, good. It's starting. Chris Harrison is already telling me how "controversial" and "exciting" this is going to be. 

PART I: The torture begins.

 "THE UNPRECEDENTED SEASON PREMIERE OF THE BACHELOR" Um yeah that's what premiere means. First. Unprecedented. Ya ding dong.

• Already with the gratuitous shirtless scenes. 
• NAKED?!?!?! Oh my gosh this idiot.

• Cool man purse. I bet he calls it a satchel. 

• HE HAD FROSTED TIPS. NO WORSE HE HAD BLONDE HAIR. HE IS THE WORST. 

• Also has everyone forgotten Rick's super weird family from Andi's hometown date?? 'Cause they were, how you say, not good. 
• Y'ALL HE LOVES HIMSELF SO MUCH.
• I'm calling it now - Rick is gonna end up with Rick. 

• Now, three former Bachelors attempt to redeem the jerk. 

For you non-superfans/sane people, from left to right: Professional Virgin Sean Lowe, happily married to the woman he proposed to; Farmer Chris Soules, broke up with the woman he proposed to; 90's Dad Ben Higgins, engaged to the woman he proposed to. And yes, I know it's "to whom he proposed." It's 4 in the morning as I'm writing this. Deal.

• They're being kind of brutal on him...

• Oh man I missed that farmer giggle. Come back to us, Chris Soules. I'd watch your season AGAIN (as boring as it was) if it'll save me from Rick. 
• Although Chris did give us this...

• I feel like Ben HATES him. He keeps saying something nice and then totally invalidating it. "Yeah, I mean I love guacamole - I can just see how some people wouldn't like it because it has the texture of mucous and is kind of lumpy and turns brown really fast. But I mean, like I said, I personally love it." 

PART II - The mini-intro's. 

• Well as least now I know how to pronounce Rick's last name. Rhymes with "vile." 
• ...I don't even need to make a joke here, right? 
• Yeah Josephine looks exactly what I said - Ashley Tisdale and Lauren whatever-her-name-is. 

+

=

• Y'all this Southern girl NO NO NO NO NO. She pronounces her long "i's" like "ah." "Bahble," instead of Bible. "Lahfe," not life. For the record, this is country. Not Southern. They are different. 
• Corinne I think is going to be the one who tries to kiss him. 
• Not even hot girls look cool rollerblading. 

PART III : LIMO. 

• Oh snap, who's gonna be first out of the limo. This one is always a very specific choice that producers make. They want this girl to be "wife material." Two seasons in a row the girl who was chosen was the first out of the limo.
• Annnnnnd it's....
• BOOOOOOOBS!

• Sorry, it just flew out of my mouth.

• She's wearing a wedding gown. Subtle.

• TOO GOOD FOR THIS SHOW, RUN AWAY, RACHEL!!! 

• Fangirl.

• All these girls keep saying something about what a butthole he is. 

• Ida Marie NO. SHEER HOSE AND STRIPPER SHOES?! Only Mariah Carey is allowed to do that. 

• WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW. 

• WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWWWWW.

• Oh this is a SURPRISE to you, is it Chris?? I bet. I bet you didn't have anything to do with that at all, you sneaky rat bastard. 
• Vanessa you're beautiful and smart RUN AWAY. And you're giving me Julia Roberts realness. 
• The country girl is teaching him an Arkansas pig call that I will not even bother to mention because #yikes. 
• I'm gonna go ahead and say that if you pull something out of your nose and/or mention your own balls that you're going home:

• Come on Ashley Tisdale! 

• ...oh. 
• Then, this happens: 

• Yikes. She said "dolphinately," but she's a shark. That can't be good.
• By the way, ABC closed captioning - thanks for clearing the "wiener" and the "dolphinately" pun up for me by explaining what they really meant. I don't know if I would've gotten it otherwise. 
• Oh wait...she thinks she's a dolphin. Oh my gosh. She's a shark. Oh my gosh this is amazing. She's definitely not going home tonight. Seriously. That's amazing. She legit thinks she is a freaking dolphin.
• ...that's it? That seems...underwhelming.
• Rachel is so freakin' charming. 
• But then there's BOOBS.

• First impression rose...hmm...the girl with a giant brain of the girl with giant babyheads coming out of her dress? 
• Okay I need to take a brief break from The Bachelor to say that this commercial in the middle absolutely terrified me. 

• Did anyone else see that?? It's so scary!!  

• Corinne is standing out as our early villain. But I don't think she's going to be here long enough to be a true bad guy - time will tell.  
• He honestly seems disappointed by this group of women. We are too, Nick. Don't worry. 

• "She actually asked first." I've never heard anyone say that. They usually just get up and go. 
• Ooo Jasmine, you dressed to match the couch. 
• WE HAVE OUR FIRST CRIER. 
• Let's all remember, lest we judge, that this episode is filmed until 4 AM and all these girls have been drinking since 9. 
• Corinne is hypothesizing that Shark must be fat if she's wearing that costume. Charming.
• AND ONE'S IN THE POOL. 

• At least he's being honest. 
• "If we're supposed to cross paths again we would." What is this, Serendpity? 
• That conversation was much more awkward than I thought it was going to be. 
• I think he's gonna give the first impression rose to Rachel. I think he's trying to rehab his image and he'll pick the smart, brilliant girl over the girl whose boobs he can see. 
• I feel like he probably wants to get a beer with Shark, but not marry Shark.
• NAILED IT

• Yeah Rachel is absolutely adorable in every SINGLE way. #toogoodforthisshow

Part something, rose ceremony

• The big questions are: Is Shark going home? And
• Is Jade's BFF going home? 
• I'm gonna vote no and no. 
• Also I'm just sayin'...if a guy ever said, "Is she gonna base her decision on something that happened nine months ago?" like this Liz character just did, we'd be burning him at the stake. "Is he gonna base his decision about whether or not to pursue me on the fact that I slept with him and never called and then only decided to come on this show after I saw him on TV??" 
• Watching this episode is like being an adult chaperone at a middle school lock-in. It's mostly harmless, there's some light making out, and then lots of people get slap-happy and start crying. 
• Tits is definitely getting a rose. Like the first rose. 
• ...I think I'm gonna call her Tits. Is that bad? That's bad. Okay let's call her...McGee. 
• Therrrre she goes. 

• Corinne OF COURSE got one. 
• Raven got one? Come on. 
• Sarah the jogger is delightful to me. I really like her. 
• YAY ASHLEY TISDALE. 
• Hailey with an "i" is pulling no punches: 

• GIANT BACK TATTOO ON LIZ.

• Also wow I called everything and I feel good. 
• ...no. No. I don't. I feel bad. Because that means I've watched this show 8,000,000 times. 
• It's daylight. These poor girls have been up all night. 

Roses: Almost everyone. 
Eliminated: Olivia, Lauren, Angela, Briana

• As for the season preview, let me leave you with this and say, STRAP IN boys and girls. It's gonna be good. 

You can't write this. 

'Til next week.